by Lee Wardlow
His parents gave him no choice. He was eighteen. He could make his own decisions in life, Josh had told him. He shook his head. Ben was privileged. He was told he’d be cut off if didn’t go to school. He thought he would come home after graduation and try to make things better with Kai. He never did.
Ben knew he had a daughter. He had gotten in touch with Josh because he had no one else to ask. Maybe it was time to tell them the truth since Ben never had.
This thing with Sophie had done things to Josh. It made him think about things that were right and wrong in his life. Things he would have and could have done differently. He saw Ben the other day from a distance. He saw him, saw the recognition in his eyes. Saw him turn away and wondered about him.
Was his life filled with regret? Did he know he had a grandson now? A beautiful baby boy that Josh adored. A child named after him.
He looked at his own life. Every life had regrets even his which was so good he should be on his knees every night thanking God. Everyone wanted a little something different, would do something just a little differently to make things a little better but he had a good life. Please don’t take her from me, he repeated.
He wondered how soon they would know something? It felt like forever since the nurse had taken Sophie back. A door opened and automatically he looked up. The same nurse who had called Sophie’s name looked at him.
“Mr. Russack. Sophie has changed her mind. Could you come with me please? I’ll take you to her.”
A sense of dread felt like lead in his belly. He stood and walked to her. She smiled at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes. The news wasn’t good. Sophie needed him.
He followed her down the hall with his head low. Sophie needed him. The words kept repeating in his head. He had to be strong for her.
**
Sophie
She walked to the door and was greeted by the nurse who led her down the hall to a room where she was to undress, waist up, just like at the Imaging Center.
“We’re starting with an ultrasound then we’re doing the biopsy. The doctor will explain everything before the biopsy.”
Sophie undressed and stuffed her things into the locker just like she did for the diagnostic mammogram. She slipped into the hospital gown that she could have wrapped around herself twice. Then, she locked the door with the key hanging from the coiled key ring holder before she slipped that onto her wrist.
Wishing she had Josh come back with her now, Sophie stepped out into the hall. “Ready?” The nurse asked her. She nodded. This woman was probably close to her age. She touched Sophie’s elbow, “It will be fine,” she promised. “You’re in good hands today.”
Sophie smiled at her, but her stomach felt terrible like a herd of buffalos were stampeding through her guts. She was led to a room where she laid flat on her back while a tech gathered images of her offending breast just like a baby ultrasound. She had seen enough of these recently. She stared at the ceiling tiles like she did when Doctor Ben did the pap smear except no heartthrobs were plastered on the ceiling here.
She counted them and wanted to ask if the tech saw anything, but she knew that the oncologist doing her biopsy would explain everything to her when they were done here.
“I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” Sophie asked her.
“I just wanted to know if you were doing okay?” The tech responded.
“I am,” she replied.
Then her mind traveled back to her wedding to Josh. They were going to have a party this year but, so much was going on with Hannah and Heath’s wedding. Then the birth of the babies. They talked about it but decided to wait for number twenty-five, an important milestone in their life. Now Sophie wondered if she would even see it?
Josh had been great when she told him she was pregnant. He was older than her. Four months, to be exact. They were six weeks from graduating high school. Barely eighteen. They waited to tell their parents until after graduation.
She remembered the first months of living with her parents and how awkward it was at times. Josh worked hard for a lumber company in town for the first five years of their marriage. Then Josh’s dad, Brad offered him the money to start their landscaping business. They had two kids and needed a way to support their family that also gave them the freedom of raising their children without daycare. Josh had paid back his father’s money plus interest.
Their wedding, was simple on the back lawn of his parent’s home on a cool, fall day. Their mothers wanted Father Paddy, the priest of their church to marry them but Catholic priests are only able to marry in the church. Sophie and Josh struggled with the whole idea of being forced to have a wedding inside the actual church. Father Paddy advised their parents to leave them alone. In the end, they settled on a non-denominational pastor from a church in a nearby town. Sophie thought Father Paddy assumed like everyone else, the marriage would never make it.
That was probably the start of their separation from the church. She didn’t know that it was good for them. They did manage to get the kids both baptized. Heath had made his first communion. Ally had not. Probably, their mother’s attending mass every Sunday is why Heath made his. They just never forced Ally to go with their grandmothers. She didn’t know how she was feeling about that now.
Sophie still had the dress that she wore to marry Josh, tucked away in a box somewhere in the top of her closet. A sheath style dress, in pale yellow that did nothing to hide her growing baby bump. Although, then, they weren’t called a bump. They didn’t have gender reveal parties. They didn’t have sprinkles for the second babies. They only had one shower for the first baby.
Sophie felt a tear roll into her hair, but she couldn’t move to wipe it away. Josh had looked so handsome in his black suit, with white shirt and tie. His mother had insisted that he dress up. He had just wanted to wear dress pants and a polo shirt.
She hadn’t cared what Josh what wore to their wedding. Sophie was marrying the love of her life. Everyone said they wouldn’t last but she and Josh knew that they would.
Here, she was worried about being alone with Josh for the first time in their married life and everything was working out just as he had promised. She turned her head away, so the tech wouldn’t see her silly, tears.
“We’re all done. I’ll take you to Doctor Roberts. She’s doing your biopsy.”
Sophie sat up. “Thank you,” she replied.
She could finally wipe away the tears that were staining her cheeks. Memories seemed to be crowding her head now that things in her life, seemed so fragile. She walked down a short, hallway and took a seat in the doctor’s office where she waited. Then they could get this show on the road.
Her leg crossed one over the other, the crossed leg was bouncing faster than usual. Her nerves were on edge as she waited. Her thoughts went to Josh again. She was just this nervous on their wedding day too. He was not.
They had known they would get married someday, after college when they were settled in their careers. He knew what he wanted to do, she did not. They had always been that way, Josh confident and directed. Sophie confident and a little scattered. Josh always reassuring her that everything would be fine, even then and it always was. Somehow, things just worked out for them.
She worked in the local grocery store while he worked at Miller’s Lumber. They sometimes only saw each other for a few hours each week while she was pregnant. They were saving money like crazy, so they could get their own apartment.
Her parents weren’t like Kai’s. Her mom didn’t make snide remarks not that they weren’t disappointed, they weren’t going to college. They even offered to do what Kai’s were doing so they could both attend local community college, but they told them no. They would make it somehow and they had. Josh’s parents were just as great and supportive of them too.
Besides Micki and Kai, Josh was her best friend. She really meant that about him. When Richard left Micki, it was a huge shock to them all because the three couples had been close. She had seen him a week or so
ago. Richard was a miserable man now. He missed his family and he missed his sons.
Only his oldest saw him outside of the family scene. Richard refused to come to the house to pick up the boys even though Micki offered to meet him with the five younger kids, so he wouldn’t run into her new husband, John Overly. Richard wouldn’t even agree to that. He was just lost without Micki and found it easier to not see any of them.
He realized too late what he had given up. Sophie had seen this a few times now and she didn’t like it. She realized how lucky she was even though at times she gave Josh a hard, time, he took it in stride. He pushed back when he needed to put her in her place, but they had a rock, solid marriage. Besides being her best friend, she was crazy about him and had been since she was kid.
She turned when the door opened. The doctor stopped by the chair where she was sitting and shook Sophie’s hand. “I’m Doctor Roberts. Nice to meet you, Sophie. We usually don’t bombard the patient with ultrasounds and biopsies in one day but Doctor Hillard and the radiologist who read your diagnostic, Doctor Simpson, thought it important to get you moving quickly.”
“It’s cancer, isn’t it.”
She sat behind her desk. “I don’t sugar coat things, Sophie. From what I’ve seen so far, I’m afraid so. I won’t know more about your cancer like what stage or what kind until I get the results back from your biopsy.”
She nodded. “Could my husband come back with me?” Sophie’s hands were trembling now. She thought she could do this, even when the cancer diagnosis was confirmed. She thought she was strong enough to handle this part alone, but she wasn’t. She was falling apart, and she needed Josh.
The doctor handed her a tissue. “I’ll give you a moment while I have my nurse get your husband. Then we’ll get started on your biopsy.”
Sophie appreciated her compassion and her kindness. She was shredding the tissue in her hands unable to do anything but stare at it falling apart in her hands like she was doing inside.
“Sophie,” he said her name.
She stood and gazed at him through tear filled eyes. “Josh.”
He opened his arms to her. “I know baby. I saw your doctor in the hall. She told me.”
She was grateful she didn’t have to say the words. She laid her head against his chest and his arms held her strong. “You’ll be all, right.” She didn’t know if he was trying to convince himself or her.
His voice washed over her, calming her like he always did but this was different. This was cancer. This was something they had no control over. This wasn’t like getting pregnant with Heath at eighteen because they didn’t have a condom handy then making the decision to not go to college because they were sure they could make something of themselves without an education.
This wasn’t working their butts off until they were bone weary, saving money to start their own business and achieving that success. This wasn’t laying out the goals they wanted in life and having dreams they wanted to achieve. Determining what they needed to do to reach them, eliminating the obstacles and making sacrifices for their children until they got what they wanted.
Cancer had its own agenda. She had no control over it. Sophie had to rely on doctors to make the best decisions for her to eliminate the disease growing inside her because she didn’t understand what was happening to her. Not really.
Sophie didn’t like the feeling of being out of control. At this moment, she hated her own body because she felt like it was betraying her.
After the biopsy which included a small incision in her breast where tissue from the lump was excised and a titanium marker was put in its place, so the doctors could always find it, she left The Cancer Center with Josh.
The results would be available in three to five days, she was told by Madge, Doctor Roberts’ nurse. She had got her from the waiting room. Got Josh for her. Reassured her that she was in good hands. She would be scheduling an appointment with Sophie for further discussion about treating her cancer once the results came in. She was her main point of contact going forward for all her needs. She wanted Sophie to be comfortable with her.
In the car, they were both quiet. Sophie stared at the lines on the highway passing her by; mesmerizing her. Her mind was a complete blank. Where before, memories were distracting her now she was just numb.
“You okay, Sophie?”
“I have cancer, Josh. How can I be okay?” She sounded defeated and a little snippy. “I’m sorry,” she told him.
She knew her attitude was part of beating this thing invading her body but right now, she just felt like curling up in a ball and giving up. She leaned on the window. The coolness caused her eyes to close.
“Get your Sophie back,” he declared. “You’re going to need it.”
She frowned and turned to look at him. “What does that mean?”
He glanced at her quickly. Then he looked at the road. “All the things that I love about you that make you Sophie. Your spunk. The fighter in you that allowed me to make Russack Landscaping a success even when we were both too tired to go on.”
She gazed out the window trying not to cry while she listened to him listing all the things that made him love her.
“The ability to push through even when the pain is bad.”
She laughed at Josh. “You’re talking about me giving birth to Heath.”
“I am. You were hurting so much. You just wanted to quit. I know you were tired and he was big.”
“He had a big head,” she agreed.
“Like me.”
She gazed at him. “Like you.”
“I held your hand. You squeezed it so hard I thought you had broken my knuckles.” A tear rolled down Sophie’s cheek at his words. “This will be no different. I’m hiring a manager to work with me so when I’m not there he can take over.”
“What?” She didn’t understand where this was coming from.
“You heard me. I don’t want to be tied to the crew or the office, while you go through this. We can afford it and you know it. He or she will go with the crews or manage where they are from the office, so I can be where I need to be supporting you.”
“How did you know I would need this?”
He shook his head at her. “I was just preparing in case. I won’t let anything happen to you Sophie.”
She reached over and laid her hand on his leg. “You might not have a choice, Josh.”
She could see his hands on the wheel tighten until his knuckles were turning white. “You will not think of anything but getting better.” Josh glanced at her quickly. “Do you hear me?”
She nodded. Then she removed her hand from his leg, so she could wipe her tears away.
Chapter 5
Sophie
Telling her parents about the cancer was harder than telling anyone else. Sophie had an older brother too. She was the baby of the family. She was everyone’s little girl. Her Daddy’s Princess. Her brother’s little sis. She asked her mother if they could have dinner together Friday night. She even invited Ross and his wife over.
Her brother Ross had three kids, all boys. He needed a girl to spoil so, as he had spoiled her, Ross spoiled Ally. Sophie loved watching her brother with her daughter. It reminded her of her relationship with him.
“Are you sure about this, Sophie? Maybe you should have waited until you know more about what is going on?” Josh was setting the table for dinner.
“No, let’s get this over with. If they see me, they will know something is wrong. I invited Kai, Roman, Heath and Hannah too. We’ll get this out in the open at once. I’ll tell Micki tomorrow. We’re having lunch together at the diner.”
He went to the stove where she stirred a pot. He kissed the top of her head then went to the silverware drawer. He glanced over his shoulder. “What about Ally?”
“I’m skyping with her tonight. Our usual Friday night mom and daughter deal before she goes to bed,” she explained. “I’ll tell her then.”
He nodded. There was nothing else to say. He wal
ked by Sophie his big hands full of silverware, “You already told Kai, didn’t you.”
She glanced over her shoulder at Josh. Their eyes met. “This morning on the phone.”
Two days down, possibly three to go until they knew how bad this was going to be for Sophie. “I expected you would.”
**
Josh let everyone in the house while Sophie was still trying to finish their dinner with Kai’s help. The Garin’s had arrived a little bit early. Sophie watched her hand, the slight tremble that just wouldn’t go away. It had started the moment the radiologist met her in the lobby. She was convinced it was cancer even though Doctor Simpson told her they didn’t like to be presumptuous.
Her parents, his parents were saying hello to Josh then Roman and Kai. Little Alexander who was still trying to toddle on his own, both sets of grandparents cooed over him.
When Kai and Roman arrived earlier, she was used to just walking in the front door. It was good that Sophie had told Kai ahead of time. The two of them were emotional, when they saw each other so it gave them a chance to get it together before the others started arriving.
“You look like you aren’t sleeping son, what’s wrong?” Sophie heard his dad ask. She glanced at Kai for a moment before turning back to the stove.
“Just restless,” he replied. Josh patted his father’s back. They greeted Sophie thinking this was just her being her and wanting the family together. She had been this way, since Ally left home, and Hannah and Heath had moved into their own apartment thirty minutes away clinging to the rest of them because she missed her kids.
She tried to be upbeat. She gazed at Josh wanting him to smile. She knew he couldn’t, not until they knew what they were facing. He mouthed the words, I love you and she responded in kind.
This isn’t how they expected their empty nest years to go. He promised to chase her naked around the house. Not take care of her while her hair fell out while she puked from chemo treatments. That didn’t even begin to cover all the possible side effects.
