by Amy Lillard
“Thank you again,” Tillie said.
This time he murmured, “You’re welcome.”
Since the time she had arrived, she had been thinking about leaving, and now that the time had come, all she could think about was finding a way to stay. But there was no excuse to stay. And she knew deep in her heart that all she wanted was to postpone the inevitable, to stall the reckoning.
“Are you ready?” Leah asked. “You don’t have a coat?”
Tillie shook her head. “Just a sweater.”
“Well it’s a good thing the heater in the car works. It’s not a long drive. You should be fine.” And she turned and started toward the door.
Tillie had no choice but to follow after her. And she could feel Levi behind her as they trailed down the porch to the car.
Tillie had watched hundreds of times as moms snapped and unsnapped their babies from their car seats, but it was still something of a mystery to her. She allowed Leah to get Emmy into the car seat base that held the carrier she had brought for her.
Then Levi put the bag of diapers in the back seat next to her and took the diaper bag from Tillie and placed that beside it.
Now is the time to get in the car.
Leah slipped into the driver seat, but Tillie had trouble getting her feet to work. Somehow she forced them to walk around the car. She opened the passenger side door, then she looked at Levi one last time and gave him a small smile. “I’ll see you at church,” he said.
“Jah,” Tillie said. “See you at church.”
* * *
Mamm was waiting for them on the porch when they arrived. Tillie figured she would swoop in on the baby first, but instead she wrapped Tillie in a warm embrace that brought tears to her eyes. She was sad to leave Levi’s; she was happy to be home. But like with everything else, that joy would be short-lived. Somehow she just knew it.
Mamm pulled away and wiped her own tears with the tail end of her apron. “Get inside, out of this cold,” she said, as if the cold was what had caused her tears in the first place.
Tillie nodded.
Leah grabbed the baby from the back seat of the car and carried her inside the house. She took her into the kitchen, which always seemed to be the warmest room, and set her, carrier seat and all, on the kitchen table.
“My word,” Mamm gasped.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” Leah said. “Of course, I know that I’m a little bit prejudiced, but I do believe she might be the most beautiful baby in the world.”
“Of course we should think our new baby is the most beautiful in the world,” Mamm said.
True to their predictions, Emmy had fallen asleep in the car and had snoozed all the way over to the house. Now that they had stopped, however, she wiggled around like she was about to wake up again.
“I think she might be getting hungry.” Tillie checked the clock over the sink. Jah, it was getting close to time for her afternoon snack.
“Let me get her for you.” Mamm moved to undo the buckles and straps on the baby carrier and lifted Emmy from inside. She fussed a bit and stretched, then looked at her grandmother. She studied Mamm for a minute, then let out a long wail.
Mamm chuckled and snuggled her nose in the crease of Emmy’s neck. “Mmmm, babies always smell so good,” Mamm murmured, the wistful words mixing with Emmy’s screams.
“I’ll let your mother feed you, then maybe we can get acquainted in a little bit, jah?” Mamm handed Emmy to Tillie, who still wore one of Levi’s old shirts and the bottom half of the dress that his wife had made for some reason or another.
“Land sakes, girl. What are you wearing?”
“I got lost in an ice storm,” Tillie said. She started to unbutton his shirt with one hand as she cradled the baby in the other. She settled down on the long bench in front of the table and pulled her baby close.
Mamm smiled. “You’re right, of course. But we do need to get you some proper clothes.”
Another week. She would have to stay at least another week, maybe a week after that. It wasn’t like she could go traveling around with the baby. And she was still a little sore. There was a reason why English people took six weeks off when they had a baby. It was a lot of work. But much longer than that and she knew she would have to admit to everyone that Melvin was not coming back, that he would not marry her, and that she would have to leave again. But until that time, she was holding on to hope with both hands.
“Wait till Dat sees her,” Mamm said.
Tillie loved her father, but he was a hard man. And she had broken rules. But she had seen the miracles a baby could perform without even trying, without lifting a finger. And she supposed this little girl would have her dawdi’s heart without even trying.
“I want to see Anna’s face.” Leah grinned. “And Gracie. They’re both going to be so excited.”
“As excited as you are?” Mamm asked. She slid into the bench next to Tillie and ran a finger over Emmy’s head as she ate. This would be a good time as any to talk to them about her future plans. But she wanted so to live in this moment and not worry about what was coming. She wanted to live each day between now and Christmas just for that day. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to stay. Not unless Melvin agreed. And since he hadn’t come after her, she figured he wouldn’t agree at all.
“Tomorrow,” Mamm said. “Tomorrow the roads should be good enough that everybody can come over.”
Another party, just what she didn’t want. No, that wasn’t exactly true. She wanted to spend time with her family, soaking it all in for safekeeping. Later, when she was back in Columbus and missing her family, she could remember these times and smile. But even though that’s what she wanted, it was still very overwhelming.
But the worst thought of all was that she would only have this week. After that she would have to face the reality of what was coming. Whether she wanted to or not.
* * *
Levi walked from the living room to the kitchen, looked around for a moment, then turned and walked back. He told himself he was checking on Puddles. The poor dog looked more miserable by the minute, and he figured it was only a matter of days, perhaps even hours, before she gave birth to those pups.
But the truth of the matter was he missed Tillie and Emmy.
His house seemed too big and too empty, and his footsteps seemed to echo when he wandered from room to room. Even with Mary gone he hadn’t done this. There was something lively about Tillie that seemed to light up everything when she was around. Maybe it was Emmy. He looked at the little fabric seat still sitting on the coffee table. He should have offered it to Tillie. He should take it to her right now.
He walked over to pick it up, then stopped himself. The police had said the roads were still pretty bad. And since most of them lived out where the roads weren’t paved, it was hard on the horse’s hooves to drag a carriage through the mud. He would have to wait. If the county held true to what they usually did, there would be graders out working on the roads probably no later than tomorrow. So maybe tomorrow afternoon he could take it to her.
Surely he could wait until then. Maybe Tuesday morning at the latest. He set the chair back down where it had previously been and walked back to the kitchen. How was it that Tillie had only been in his house for a couple of days, and yet she seemed to have left something in every room? Not necessarily her things. She had grabbed them all up when she left. But other things. Things that belonged to Emmy. Things Tillie had used for the baby. A burp cloth, a bib, a blanket, all these things were peppered throughout his house. More and more reminders that once again he had lost something special.
He shook his head at himself. He was making way more of this than he should. Regardless, he wanted to take the chair to her and maybe another bag of the diapers. He’d found one in the closet just after she left. It seemed Mary had things squirreled away all over. He supposed to her, not putting everything in the same place didn’t feel quite so much like overpreparing. But that was Mary. She was one of those preparing
kind of people. She bought spring fabric on sale in the summer and saved it until the next year. She said she was thrifty. He had always just smiled at her words. He wished now that he had told her she was. There were a lot of things that he wished he could tell Mary, and more than anything right now he wished he could talk to her about Tillie.
That had to be the strangest thought to ever come into his mind. But Tillie had done more than just crash into his life on the night of an ice storm. She had brought him back to the now and given him the chance to start healing.
He could barely admit it to himself; there was no way he could say it out loud to her. But he wished he could tell them both, Mary and Tillie, how having a stranger in his house the week before Christmas had changed everything for him.
A knock sounded at his door, so unexpected that he nearly jumped from his own skin.
Maybe the police again? But he hadn’t heard a car. Truth be known, he had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts he hadn’t been listening for things like cars. Surely the person who arrived had come by buggy. But if they had, maybe that meant the roads weren’t so bad after all. He crossed to the door and opened it.
“It’s about time.” Mims stomped her feet on the rug outside, wiped them twice, then stepped into the house. “It’s freezing out there.” She hustled over to the fire while Levi still stood with the door open, his mouth the same.
“Is that a bike?”
Mims turned and gave him an innocent smile. “Yes, I suppose it is.”
“Please tell me you borrowed it from your neighbor,” Levi said.
“Sure,” Mims said. “Let’s go with that. I borrowed it from the neighbor so I could come and visit my brother. I wanted to check on you from the storm.”
“I’m fine.” He held his arms out to his sides as if to say, See? Then the thought hit him: he might not be able to talk to Mary, but here was his sister. His best friend. “It hasn’t always been as quiet though.”
Mims raised a dark brow in a questioning manner. “Jah? You have puppies now?” She abandoned her warm fire and rushed to the kitchen. He watched her shoulders slump as she spied Puddles, still round with unborn puppies, lying by the potbellied stove.
“You know you’re going to take one,” Levi said.
“Not if she never has them.”
“I suppose she felt she needs to wait her turn.”
Mims whirled around and eyed him carefully. “Why are you talking in riddles, Levi?”
He had wanted somebody to talk to, and now that he had her, he didn’t seem to be able to find the words. Where did he start?
“Tillie Gingerich was here.” It seemed as good a place as any to begin.
Mims drew back in surprise. “What?” Then she rushed toward him, grabbed his hand, and dragged him over to the sofa. “Sit,” she said. “Sit down and tell me everything.”
Chapter Nineteen
By Wednesday he could take it no longer. After he had explained the entire weekend to his sister, Mims had squealed, then clapped her hands together as if it was the best news that she had ever received.
He wasn’t discounting the fact that it was indeed wonderful news, for Tillie and her baby. But having them around for that couple of days . . . It was as if something had shifted inside him.
Monday after Tillie had left, he started to pick up all the little wayward pieces of her visit, all the reminders that there had been a baby in the house. He washed a load of clothes and then regretted it since it was so cold outside. The items would freeze before they got dry, but he hung them up anyway. Then he ate his solitary supper, washed dishes, and checked on Puddles.
The poor dog still hadn’t given birth to her puppies, and before he went to bed, he checked on her. He made sure she was warm and hoped that soon she would whelp. She looked so miserable.
Tuesday was given to a litter of eleven pups, six of which looked exactly like their mother, speckled and mottled as if someone had spilled bleach on a regular dog. Two were solid black, one was black with brown paws, and yet another was white with black dots. The last one had a white face with a black nose, or half-black anyway, and a little white tail with a black tip on the end. He didn’t ever recall seeing something like that. Usually the dog had a black tail with a white tip, and he figured if she made it through, he would keep that one for sure.
Puddles looked more than relieved to have had the puppies. Though they couldn’t all eat at the same time. The poor dog had more puppies than teats. But she seemed to make sure they all were fed, and none seemed to be in any kind of danger. The rest of Tuesday passed uneventfully. Mims had come by the day before, so she skipped Tuesday.
He walked to the edge of the road and checked the mail. He cleaned the horse stalls, milked the cow, fed the chickens, left food out for the stray cats that came by, and otherwise sat around and waited. For something. He felt as if he were biding his time. Until what?
He had no idea.
And by Wednesday he’d had all he could take. He wanted to go see Emmy and Tillie. He needed to get out. He had been in the house for days—something he never thought would’ve bothered him before. But for some reason, today it felt so confining. He needed to get out, but he was almost down the driveway when he realized he needed some sort of reason to go to see Tillie. And that was where he was going. But he couldn’t just show up on her doorstep.
Couldn’t he?
He was reluctant to, anyway. So he turned the buggy around and headed back to the house. Leaving the horse hitched, he loped back up the steps and was inside in a flash. He made his way to the baby’s room and looked around for things to take. He grabbed the last bag of diapers and the little yellow bunny that he had placed in the cradle for Emmy.
It was new, and he was certain Mary had bought it for their baby. But he didn’t need it. And he thought that it would perhaps bring a little joy into Emmy’s life. When she was big enough to realize what it was, anyway. Those items in hand, he hustled back out the door and hopped into his buggy once more.
The weather had warmed up just enough that the road graders had gotten out and smoothed over some of the damage caused by the ice storm. Even so, it was slow going. Or maybe it just felt that way because he was anxious.
As he rode along, he bounced one foot even faster than the clip of the horse’s hooves. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. He just was. Surely he had cause to call on her today. Not just Emmy, but Tillie too. He wanted to make sure that they were okay, that they had settled in, that no other complications had arisen after she gotten back to her parents’ house.
And a part of him wanted to know how Melvin had taken the news.
Levi knew in his heart that it was no business of his, but it still plagued him.
Maybe because he knew what was at stake. Because if Melvin didn’t come back and live an Amish life, kneel before the congregation, and confess his sins, Tillie would be forced to leave as well. For some reason it just didn’t sound right to him. Nor did the thought of her marrying Melvin. But it was really none of his concern. And yet somehow he felt that it was. Maybe because he helped bring little Emmy into the world. He’d been there, and perhaps it should have been Melvin, even if the thought made his stomach plummet to the ground.
It was slow going down the hill on the road that led to the little valley where the Gingeriches lived. Their road hadn’t been traveled much since the storm and hadn’t been torn up like the main roads. But it was still a little worrisome, heading down that hill. Finally, Levi hopped down from his buggy and walked the horse the rest of the way to their destination.
The day was overcast, cloudy and a bit gloomy, but he was looking forward to the visit all the same. He was only about halfway down the hill when he saw someone in the yard. From this distance, it looked to be Jim, Tillie’s oldest brother. Levi knew that he worked with Abner there in the shop making sheds, playhouses, and the like. Most everyone who had a store in front of their house used a shed made by Abner Gingerich. Levi knew he sold the litt
le buildings to the English as well, and he had heard tell that Abner was contemplating getting into the playset business—wooden jungle gyms and the like.
He caught Jim’s gaze and waved. The man waved back and was soon joined by David, his younger brother, and Abner.
Jim grinned at Levi as he hobbled his horse and walked over to where the men stood. He could feel eyes watching him from the house and figured the ladies were inside checking out the new visitor. He approached the men first.
“We were wondering when you would show up,” David said. He shook Levi’s hand. And once again Levi wondered what had happened between him and his sister. David was a nice enough fellow. Never missed church. And he was handsome enough, Levi supposed. David had clear green eyes and sandy brown hair that always looked as if the sun was touching it. And a smile that seemed genuine enough.
But Levi bit back his questions and shook hands with Jim and Abner as well. “I wanted to give them time to settle in.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, though it wasn’t entirely the truth either.
Abner nodded toward the front door. “Go on in the house. I think she’ll be happy to see you.”
Levi nodded. “I’ll just let you get back to work, then.”
He started toward the house, and the door opened before he even got onto the porch.
“Levi Yoder,” Eunice greeted him. “It’s good to see you out today.”
He nodded. It felt good to be out.
Where did that come from? Wasn’t he the man who wanted to stay in his house until Christmas was over?
Just another miracle that a baby could perform without even lifting a finger.
“How’s Tillie and the baby?”
Eunice smiled. “Come see for yourself,” she said. “She and Libby are in the kitchen making candies. Maybe you can try one and have a cup of coffee.”
Levi nodded and took off his hat. He twirled it in his fingers a moment before placing it on the peg next to the door. Then he took off his coat and followed Eunice into the kitchen.
He wasn’t sure if it was a unique candy-making disaster or if every time Tillie stepped into the kitchen such a mess occurred. He looked at all the items scattered across the table. Powdered sugar, regular sugar, brown sugar, bags of nuts, sticks of butter, mixing bowls, mixing spoons, and various flavorings, including cocoa powder, which the lid was off of. In the midst of it all, Emmy sat in the car seat Leah had brought, content to be close to her mamm in the warm, warm kitchen.
