The Rupa Book of Laughter Omnibus & Funny Side Up (2 in 1)

by Ruskin Bond

  The books are presented to me with a flourish, with a request, or rather order, that I have them reviewed in Outlook, India Today and the New York Times. I promise to do my best and place the books reverently in the most prominent place in my sitting room. As soon as he leaves, I take them down and put them out of sight; they will make good door-stops. But he is too crafty this old General. Suddenly he is back in the room.

  'I forgot to autograph them for you,' he says, taking out his fountain pen.

  For a few seconds I am at a loss. Then little Gautam appears in the doorway.

  'Gautam!' I scold. 'Why did you take those books down from the shelf?' and I retrieve them quickly and hold them out for his autograph. Perhaps his signature will be worth something.

  Now I can't use his books as door-stops. He is bound to pop in again, expecting to see them prominently displayed.

  A strange thing is human vanity. We all succumb to it from time to time.

  I was pleased when the boy from the ration-shop asked me for one of my books. At last, a reader! I presented him with a large format children's book. Lots of pages, good strong paper.

  Two or three days later, when I was passing his shop, I noticed a pile of paper bags on the counter. They had all been made from the pages of my book! The boy's father was even then filling one of the bags with channa for one of his customers.

  'And what do you require, sir?' he asked me.

  Two rupees worth of peanuts,' I said.

  He filled a bag with peanuts and handed them to me. Humbly, I walked away with two pages of my book neatly pasted together to hold peanuts.

  I gave the peanuts to Gautam and told him what had happened to the book.

  He was quite philosophical about it.

  'I suppose the world needs peanuts more than it needs books,' he said.

  I couldn't argue with that. Gautam's worldly wisdom and advice is always on a par with Mr Dick's in David Copperfield.

  We strolled into the sitting room and I surveyed my shelves of books. The General's memoirs immediately caught my eye. I took the two large volumes down from the shelf. Gautam noticed the wicked glint in my eyes.

  'What are you going to do?' he asked.

  'Come,' I said. 'We are going to make paper bags.'

  25

  SONG FOR A BEETLE IN A GOLDFISH BOWL

  A beetle fell into the goldfish bowl,

  Hey-ho!

  The beetle began to struggle and roll,

  Ho-hum!

  The window was open, the moon shone bright,

  The crickets were singing with all their might,

  But a blundering beetle had muddled his flight

  And here he was now, in a watery plight,

  Having given the goldfish a terrible fright,

  Ho-hum, hey-ho!

  The beetle swam left, the beetle swam right,

  Hum-ho!

  Along came myself—I said, 'Lord, what a sight!

  That poor old beetle will drown tonight.

  Ho-hum.

  A beetle is just an insect, I hear,

  But what if I fell in a vat full of beer?

  I'd be brewed to light lager if no one came near—

  (It happened I'm told, to a man in Tangier)—

  Ho-hum, ho-hum.'

  With my finger and thumb

  The beetle I seized,

  The goldfish looked pleased,

  The window was open, the moon shone bright,

  I thrust the beetle far out in the night,

  And he bumbled away in a staggering flight,

  Ho-hum, hey-ho,

  Good night!

  26

  ODDS AND ENDS

  'Laugh and be fat, sir.'

  Ben Jonson

  'Light suppers make long lives.'

  Granny

  'Don't let your tongue cut your throat.'

  Granny

  'If you don't have courage, have strong legs.'

  Uncle Ken

  Avoid long speeches. The less a man knows, the longer he takes to tell it.

  Try loving your enemies. If nothing else, you'll confuse them.

  Adventure is when a child crawls across the floor, grabs the leg of a chair, and stands up for the first time.

  'If you cannot win, make the fellow ahead of you exert himself to the utmost!'

  Uncle Ken

  'You will sometimes be punished when you do not deserve it. Before giving vent to your indignation, reflect on how often you have deserved punishment without receiving it.'

  Anon

  They always come so quickly—those turning points in life—and always down a lane we are not watching.

  'God gave us our faces. We gave ourselves our expressions.'

  Granny

  Bad times are good times to prepare for better times.

  Gautam is always polite. One day a visitor who had a very large nose came to see us. We told Gautam not to say anything about his enormous nose. The visitor arrived, Gautam stared at him, smiled, and then turning to me, said, 'Dada, what a pretty little nose he has!'

  'Be sparing of speech, and things will come right of themselves.'

  Lao-Tsze

  'Honour thy food, receive it thankfully, eat it contentedly, never hold it in contempt.'

  Manu

  'There is skill in all things, even in scrambling an egg.'

  Granny

  The electricity bill has been going up ever since I started telling the children ghost stories at night. Siddharth, Shrishti and Gautam insist on sleeping with all the lights on. This results in moths flying in through the open windows.

  The other night I swallowed a moth.

  'What did it taste like?' asked Gautam.

  'Chocolate,' I said.

  He doesn't believe me.

  'Step out lightly, step out brightly, and luck will come your way.'

  Uncle Ken

  'A merry heart does more good than any medicine.'

  Granny

  Chart your own course through life. What the stars foretell is strictly for astrologers.