His Black Wings

by Astrid Yrigollen

  “It’s not full of anything Dekker, you are such a child. He went out there, clearly not trying to hide it. Perhaps we are misjudging Mr. Lowood, but I have to say I am curious to what he will say.”

  “Yes, I feel the same way. So then, when do we go?” Dekker said, quickly forgetting his childhood superstitions.

  “We don’t, he has a return ticket for the day after tomorrow and should be arriving sometime in the evening.”

  “Then should we wait, or should we be present at Westwind when he arrives?”

  “It might disturb him to know that we found the family skeletons, but I am concerned about Claren.”

  “As am I.” Dekker said.

  “I am not sure then.” Horace said.

  “What we can do is arrive early at Westwind but hide out, somewhere near the house. After a time, perhaps when we think that they have had their chance to talk it out, we can pop in. Just to make sure everything is all right.” Dekker said.

  “I think that might be the only way, so I agree.” The two men shook hands.

  “We’ll have to ride out there, without a carriage you know.” Horace added apprehensively.

  “Well if we want to be inconspicuous we will. I see no problem with that unless you are still afraid of horses?” Horace did not say anything.

  “What the deuce! You still can’t ride a horse on your own?”

  “Can I ride behind you then?” Horace asked sheepishly. Dekker’s face flushed red.

  “You know I only ride on horses with ladies Horace, ladies.” Horace remained silent, a pleading look on his face.

  “All right but do not touch me, wear a helmet or something because if you fall off I am not going to try and stop you.” Dekker relented as he raised his now empty glass high to order another drink.

  Facing the truth

  Fredrick was on his last train back to Hartsford. He had made the long hike to the mines in Desolation. Walking around the entrance that he assumed was the mine he had been born in, he noted that it had been boarded up. He had never seen the complex from this side before. Being born in the mines he had only known it from underneath, then later when he escaped, the tunnel had opened up far away from the facility. The primitive electric fences had been deactivated long ago which made it easy for him to make his way through onto the compound. He had tried to find the exit that had been dug by his father years ago, but his memory was vague and he was not prepared for the tears that perpetually clouded his vision as he walked through the abandoned area.

  Fredrick did not enter into the mines themselves. He had a nagging fear that it would not be safe if he went down in to them again. He instead, walked around the abandoned buildings and old laboratories. Barren, nothing green grew in this area, loose dirt, rocks and gravel were the only things that could be seen for miles around. He could almost hear the cries of the miners that had been dwelling below, the cries carried by the lonely wind. Reflecting on the pain that had been caused here, he knew that none of this was Claren’s fault. At one time he had thought about having her killed, so much was his anger and hate. But knowing her, her sweetness and gentle manner, he knew that she possessed none of the greed that her grandfather did. Sitting down in the dirt, Fredrick spent several hours watching the orange haze of the sun blaze against the sky. He realized that it was time to move on and leave his hate behind and go forth with Etrigan and Claren. It served no purpose to carry such venom in ones heart, infecting anyone who got close to him. Fredrick said his sorrowful goodbyes to all the silent dead who lay below his feet and had gone straight back to Hartsford.

  ****

  Claren had neither eaten nor left her room since Horace and Dekker had left. She had not spoken to Etrigan either, not really knowing how to handle his feelings of mistrust for her. She felt like she could only follow his example and wait for his father to return to Westwind. Mrs. Whitby was exasperated and confused at Claren’s behavior.

  “Why won’t you eat Miss?” Claren lay on her bed under her covers still in her nightgown.

  “I’m not really hungry Mrs. Whitby.” She answered weakly.

  Mrs. Whitby set the tray of food down on Claren’s writing desk and went over to sit by the young girl.

  “Someone needs to tell me what is going on here Miss. Don’t tell me the young master has finally rubbed his ways off on you? You don’t eat, you aren’t leaving your rooms.” Claren said nothing but stared at the fireplace that had been lit. Hints of spring were in the air, the smell of sweet flowers beginning to blossom but the air still had a chill to it.

  “Are you fighting again with the young master? Is that it? You can’t let the lad vex you so, you need to eat to keep your strength up for fighting!” When Claren did not answer, Mrs. Whitby stood up, her temper reddening her white cheeks.

  “This has become a house of secrets it has. Master Lowood has been gone for days, you have been depressed and won’t eat.”

  “Who’s depressed and not eating?” Mr. Lowood said in a happy voice from the hallway. Claren quickly sat upright suddenly feeling the same fear she had of him months ago. The door to Etrigan’s room opened violently as the dark young man entered the hallway.

  “Father.” Fredrick was taken aback by Etrigan’s sudden wild and unkempt appearance. He was not used to his son walking about in the day time, especially with the help here. Fredrick had no idea what torment his son had been going through these last few days. Etrigan had been fighting the voices that said Claren betrayed him, but knowing that it was not her fault. Thinking that perhaps his life would have been different if her grandfather had never sold lives for profit. Etrigan raged high up in the tower, at the injustices that had been dealt to his family. But when the moon rose high, and he stood on the roof leaning against a stone gargoyle, he could see Claren’s face before him. He heard her cries at midnight and yearned to go to her, to hold her. Deep in his heart something stirred.

  “Father, I need to talk to you, alone.” Etrigan said in low voice.

  “Yes, of course, come into the library then.” Fredrick cast a worried look at Claren who looked pallid and frail in her bed.

  “Claren, it’s nice to see you again.” Fredrick’s words seemed to sputter as he realized the stricken look on her face was caused by him. He followed Etrigan down the hallway in to the library where he sensed his son’s mood.

  “What is going on here Etrigan? Why does Claren look so?”

  “You would know better than I Father.”

  “What the deuce is that supposed to mean?”

  “Who is Claren really? To you, to me? Why did you really bring her here, a Maidstone?” Fredrick Lowood sighed feeling the weight of his past sins. He knew before he could forgive himself he would have to seek forgiveness and understanding from his son and from Claren.

  He removed his coat and sat down in his chair.

  “Bring Claren in here please, this involves her as well.” Etrigan called out to her from the hallway, not wanting to face her after the last few days of silence. Claren came in to the library and sat down while Etrigan remained standing.

  “Are you well Claren? You look ill.”

  “I am well Sir.” She answered quietly. He nodded not believing her.

  “Today is the day that I reveal everything to you both. From this day forward there will be no more secrets.”

  Fredrick Lowood went on to tell both his son and Claren of his childhood in the mines, how his parents had been brought to the mines and of his escape and his marriage to Etrigan’s mother, Emrah. As the sun set down behind the trees, he continued telling them his loss of his position, his first child and his wife.

  “I had started life out in bitterness. With Emrah, I finally realized that life could be sweet, it could be happy again. Of course Emrah and Etrigan were my life, so when she died and left us, the old bitterness crept back in. I began to blame Maidstone for everything that had ever gone wrong in my life. In short I wanted revenge, revenge on your family Claren, then on you.” Etrigan glanced a
t Claren, feeling the weight of his father’s cruel words. He wanted to reach out to her not wanting her to hear anymore.

  “I think I understand Father, but maybe we can continue this discussion at another time. As you see yourself, Claren is not well, and this conversation is not doing anything more to make her any better.” Etrigan had thought deeply upon Horace Bitwater’s account. He trusted the young man and felt that there could be truth to the account. Etrigan only needed confirmation from his father which he now received. Now that this thing lay bare and exposed like a festered wound, Etrigan did not know how to contain it, how to heal it as he so wished to do. He wanted desperately to go back to the way things were before his father went away, before Horace had come with his awful tale.

  “You don’t understand Etrigan. While you yourself bore the sins of your father and of Claren’s family on your back, you never had hate for others in your heart like I have. I hated Claren’s family and I wanted to see them dead.” Claren winced at his harsh statement. Anyone who would have known her parents would have, for they were kind people. A thought like a crawling snake slowly entered in to Claren’s mind and she gripped the fabric of her robe tightly.

  “Did you have anything to do with my mother and father dying?” Claren asked afraid.

  “No! That I did not do Claren. I swear to you I didn’t. After everything, the planning and scheming, I turned out to be a coward, I wanted to hate you Claren and I tried. But after your parents died, it made me look at you differently. I grew to know you and your kindness and understanding. I often marveled at how such a person as yourself could have come from the line you did.”

  “I cannot speak for my grandfather because I did not know him well, but my parents were good people.” Claren said passionately, feeling a lump in her throat rise painfully.

  “I am so sorry Claren. When I saw all the good that you had done just by being here, I knew I was the one in the wrong. You have brought my son out into the daylight, you have made him smile and laugh and you have given him friends. When I saw my son with you, Bitwater and Peterson, laughing, talking just as any young man would, my heart was lifted and I knew that I could no longer keep you here under false pretenses. I grew to love you Claren.” Fredrick felt his son bristle but did not look at him.

  “I grew to love you as my daughter. I can never apologize for the wicked reasoning in my heart to bring pain to you, but I can offer to try to make it up to you by deeds.” Claren bowed her head and sobbed quietly. She had always wondered at the coldness that would suddenly appear in Mr. Lowood’s attitude with her. She wondered if those were the times that he remembered her family and then hated her. How could she continue to live in a house like that, knowing that he had hated her and her family. Claren knew somewhere in her heart that it was true, her family deserved to be hated and would have been hated by more people if the ugly truth had ever come out, but her grandfather had done a good job of covering up his sinful deeds by good ones.

  “Please stay with us Claren. Forgive this foolish old man, do say you will stay.”

  “Father, I think it is a lot to ask Claren to stay, now that she barely knows the truth. I myself am having a hard time dealing with it.” Etrigan’s words stung Claren’s heart. She had to consider his feelings towards her now.

  Did he blame her as well?

  “Thank you, for finally telling me the truth. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you did Sir, even though my parents, nor I did these vile things to your family. I cannot apologize enough for what my grandfather did to you and your family.” Claren stood up and faced Etrigan. Her legs felt weak from not eating or sleeping.

  “Etrigan, I am so sorry you have had to live your life away from everyone else because of your wings. But please know this, I have never seen your wings, only you as a person. I have not been paid to be your companion here and your father always told me that I could leave whenever I wanted to, but after I met you I did not want to leave, even when you were being mean to me. I know that you may never be able to forgive me Etrigan and I am sorry for that too. After I met you everything in my life changed and now even if I leave, you will be with me. I now carry you in here, with me forever.” Claren took Etrigan’s hand in her own and brought it to the middle of her chest where her heart was. She could not continue her words without sobbing. There was so much more she wanted to tell him. How he made her feel, in her heart. She saw the confused look on Etrigan’s face and slowly let go of his hand.

  “I need to rest for awhile.” Claren said leaving the room.

  When father and son were alone in the room, Etrigan questioned his father about Claren.

  “I understand why you did the things you did, but now what are we to do?” Etrigan asked. His father rubbed his aching forehead.

  “We wait to see what she wants. I meant what I said, all my feelings of hate and revenge are gone. I know it seems so absurd to make such a claim, especially after years of hate, but I feel somehow lighter, happier, now that I have given myself permission to let go. I want Claren to be happy. I can send her abroad to live on her own and I can take care of her financial needs. Or she can remain here with us.”

  “All your feelings of revenge are gone, just like that are they?” Etrigan said in mild disbelief.

  “It’s been a process Etrigan, it has not been “just like that”. Since I first took Claren in to live with me, I have struggled with these feelings. That is why I finally realized that I needed to put these demons to rest, these demons that have taken up residence in me when your mother died. I went back to the mines where I was born and apologized to my dead parents for not further seeking revenge.”

  “You went back to the mines? That’s where you were?” His father nodded.

  “Yes, and while I was there I remembered what my father told me as he lay dying. He told me to let go of my hate. For me not to have revenge in my heart.” Etrigan looked out the window seeing the darkness cover the green hills far behind his home.

  “I had listened to him for a little while and while I did, I found happiness, but at the first sign of trouble I let it right back in to my life. I was weak and lacked character. What a wretched man I must be to try to punish a young girl for something that had nothing to do with her.”

  “Father, you are right about Claren, she is gentle and forgiving but I think she will need time to grasp everything. She may be frightened of you now.” Fredrick lowered his head and looked down at his hands.

  “I have never been so ashamed in my life but I want her to know that I wish her no harm and whatever she decides, to leave or stay that is fine.”

  “I want her to stay.” Etrigan said.

  “You are not angry, now that you know who she is, who her family is?”

  “No, she is not her family. She did not throw you in that mine for money. At first I thought perhaps I should be loyal, to the men who you say died in those mines, to my grandparents, to you. But these last few days I could not come to terms with hating someone for something they themselves did not do. If my own grandfather told you to let go of your hate, that means he would want me to forgive and forget as well. Claren brings good to our lives, and I would like her to stay.”

  “You have grown so much Etrigan, thank you for your understanding and not being overly angry with this old man. As for Claren, I can see you have grown quite fond of her, but if she leaves, that would be her decision to make.”

  “No, I’ll talk to her and make her see…” Etrigan said in a determined voice.

  “We can only share our feelings with someone my son, but we cannot force them. Claren seemed to be trying to tell you something about her feelings towards you just now but you were silent.”

  “I didn’t understand her gesture, what she meant. I know that my heart stirs when I think of her dating or even looking at other men, that I want to be with her protecting her, making her happy.”

  “You didn’t understand her gesture? From all the books you have read, you didn’t know she was tellin
g you she loves you? And by your actions and thoughts you love her.”A stunned silence was all Etrigan could manage but he instantly knew it was true. The scales had been lifted from his eyes and he knew that he loved Claren.

  “Sir, a young gentleman is in the foyer wanting to see you.” Mrs. Whitby had knocked while opening the library door with a loud creaking sound.

  “Is it Mr. Bitwater or Mr. Peterson?” Etrigan asked Mrs. Whitby directly. She smiled inwardly that he was addressing her himself.

  “No Sir, it’s a Mr. Wandsworth.” She answered and left to go back down stairs.

  “Just what I need! Why the devil would he be here?” Fredrick asked out loud. Fredrick hurried downstairs to meet Kurten. Etrigan followed slowly but remained hidden still reeling from his revelation. He saw Kurten and recognized him as the young man who he had told to leave.

  This was the man that had tried to hurt Claren! How did his father know him?