I Heart Vegas

by Lindsey Kelk

  ‘I can assure you I am full-trained, ma’am.’ He winked at me. Not helping. ‘Eight months’ professional flying and no fatalities.’

  Eight months?

  ‘Hey, as long as he’s never crashed it, right?’ Jenny rested a hand on my shoulder. ‘It’s fine.’

  ‘I didn’t say I’ve never crashed one, just no fatalities,’ Cody said, laughing heartily. ‘Now, let’s get you ladies strapped in.’

  Sweet Jesus, this was how I was going to die.

  ‘Uh, Angela?’ He pointed at me. I raised my hand obediently, much to Sadie’s amusement. ‘You were the heaviest, so you’re in the back.’

  Always a delight to hear.

  ‘And then Jenny? You’re in with Angela. Sadie, you’re in the front with me.’

  I chose to ignore his gooey expression and just hoped he was still able to keep this thing in the air with an erection. Sadie flashed him a smile and did this annoying little thing with her shoulders. It wasn’t quite a shrug, it wasn’t quite a shimmy, but it successfully displayed her boobs to full effect and simultaneously pissed me off.

  Once we were inside, we were issued with headsets and microphones and informed this was how our pilot, bloody Cody, would communicate with us and how we would communicate with each other. I made a bet with myself as to how many pop culture references Tom Cruise would get in during the journey. I hoped for Airplane!, anticipated Top Gun. I was never terribly keen on being fastened into anything, so allowing a man who made jokes about crashing helicopters to strap me into a helicopter immediately before he flew it over a canyon did not make me feel good. I’d been so excited at the idea of the trip and then so annoyed with Jenny, I hadn’t really thought about the reality of buzzing around the skies feeling like shit. I’d never been in a helicopter before. I was a good flier, after my second drink, but this was something very different. Plane plus a gin and tonic equals a happy Angela. Helicopter plus several pints of vodka the night before equals a very unhappy, incredibly nauseous Angela.

  As soon as we were in the air, it became a me-against-the-world fight not to puke. And I was not going to lose. I’d done all the public puking I had any interest in doing. In fact, not vomming outside my own bathroom was going to be one of my New Year’s Resolutions. Along with not being deported, getting an iPhone like the rest of the world and always having some kitchen towel. We never seemed to have kitchen towel. Something that would have come in incredibly handy at that precise second as the helicopter lurched forward, as did the contents of my stomach.

  ‘You OK?’ Jenny asked.

  ‘Do I look OK?’ I replied.

  She pulled an ‘ooh, handbags’ face and settled back into her seat, staring out of the side of the helicopter. I tried to do the same, to gaze out onto the natural wonder of the desert, the golden crevices beneath us. But all I could think was, what a silly place to bury Megatron, there are all these natural giants’ steps he could use to escape. It was testament to just how shit I felt that my brain couldn’t accept that Transformerswas not a documentary. And so while we flew around one of the world’s natural wonders in our own private helicopter, while Jenny and Sadie oohed and ahhed, while the pilot played the theme music from Top Gun, I closed my eyes, rested my forehead against the cool glass and patiently waited to land with my eyes closed.

  It took another fifteen minutes before I had the balls to look out of the window. It really was beautiful. All the colours of a Bloomingdale’s autumn catalogue – brown, gold, bronze, tan and deep, deep reds, highlighted with a little green here, a ribbon of blue there. Clearly I had been friends with Jenny for too long.

  ‘Hey, are you OK really?’

  She gave me a nudge and a concerned look. But the concern felt fake and the nudge just made me retch. Again. Right, enough was enough.

  ‘No,’ I snapped. ‘I’m not OK. Are you OK?’

  ‘I’m fine?’ She looked at me as though I’d gone crazy. Charlie Sheen crazy.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Uh, guys, you know we can hear you, right?’ Sadie’s voice crackled through our headphones.

  Unfortunately for Sadie and Cody, I didn’t give two shits.

  ‘Nothing you want to tell me?’

  ‘No?’

  ‘Really, Angela, we can hear every word.’

  ‘Piss off, Sadie. Nothing?’

  ‘Nuh-uh.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘OK, then. Jesus.’ She turned back to the view and took her phone out of her bag to read a new message. A message I could quite clearly see was from Jeff.

  ‘Give me that phone.’ My arm shot out entirely of its own accord and grabbed for Jenny’s iPhone, but she was not giving it up.

  ‘Uh, ladies.’ Cody’s voice piped up in my headphones. ‘It’s usually best not to fight in a helicopter.’

  ‘Get off me, you psycho.’ Jenny gave as good as she got, struggling against her seatbelt to bash me on the top of the head with the phone. Double insult. Before she could get in a really good swipe, I turned away, slapping my hands in the air as though I was doing the doggie paddle. Except, instead of water, I was doing it in Jenny’s face. It was only fair that she try to defend herself. It was just unfortunate that defending herself redirected my slaps into the back of Cody’s head.

  ‘Holy shit!’ he yelled. ‘This stops or I’m turning this bird around.’

  Just like my dad on the way to Alton Towers. He’d never do it.

  ‘What is wrong with you?’ Jenny shoved her phone deep into the bottom of her bag. ‘Seriously? Are you drunk right now?’

  ‘I know you shagged Jeff,’ I bellowed at the top of my voice, right into my mic. ‘I know you did, all right?’

  The feedback shrieked through our headsets before I’d even finished screeching: Sadie and Jenny scrambled to protect their ears. Cody visibly clenched every part of his body and the helicopter swerved and dropped ever so slightly. But ever so slightly was just enough to push my poor stomach over the edge. Before I could grab for a sick bag, before I could hold back my hair, I puked all over Jenny’s shoes. Thank God they were closed-toe.

  Not nearly soon enough we were on the ground, just by the edge of the Grand Canyon, and I was curled up, head on knees, happy to be on solid ground. Jenny, on the other hand, was not so happy.

  ‘Jesus, Angela?’ she yelled. ‘These are Tory Burch.’

  It was never a good sign when she raised her voice at me.

  ‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. I wasn’t sorry. I was pissed off.

  ‘You thought that was a good time to talk about this? In a fucking helicopter?’

  ‘Not especially,’ I admitted. ‘But you didn’t seem very chatty earlier when you were merrily telling me nothing was wrong.’

  ‘So I wasn’t ready to talk about it.’ She threw her arms up in the air, blocking out the sun. Even her silhouette was furious. ‘I don’t have to tell you everything that happens in my life. I don’t actually have to tell you shit.’

  ‘That’s nice.’ My sensible voice told me she was just lashing out because she was hurt. My mean voice told me she was a right old bitch who needed a good slap. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Don’t start with that tone, seriously.’ She kicked a rock over the edge of the cliff. I took it as a warning and shuffled back a little. ‘Don’t start judging me. I’m sorry my life isn’t as perfect as yours, but sometimes things don’t go according to plan.’

  ‘Are you kidding me?’ If I’d had a goat, he’d definitely have been got. ‘You’re telling me things don’t go according to plan? As if this is news to me?’

  ‘Whatever – you know all this shit is going to work out for you.’ She was shouting far too loudly for Cody’s liking. It was interfering with his staring at Sadie as if she were a chocolate-coated FA Cup trophy. ‘Alex is going to ride in on his white horse at the last minute and marry your ass so he doesn’t have to do his own laundry, and everything is going to be OK.’

  ‘I don’t do his laundry.’ In fact, he di
d mine. I was scared of the laundrette. ‘And you know that’s not going to happen.’

  ‘No, I know you’re pretending it’s not going to happen.’ Jenny dropped to the floor in front of me. ‘Because you’re scared he’s going to say no if you ask.’

  I hated when your friends could read your mind. ‘No, I just want to stay here on my own terms,’ I lied. Well, half lied. ‘I’m not saying I don’t want to marry Alex. I just don’t want it this way. The visa or the marriage.’

  ‘Then have fun back in England. I’m sure it’s missed you.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s that bothered,’ I sniffed. ‘There hasn’t been a Facebook campaign or anything.’

  She punched me in the arm. Hard. ‘Angela, stop being an asshat about this and just do it. At least you know what you want.’

  And so at last we got down to it.

  ‘And you don’t?’

  Jenny breathed out loudly and tucked her hands up inside the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

  ‘Maybe not.’

  I didn’t quite dare hug her – we were very, very close to the edge of a cliff – so instead, I pushed my foot out until it was touching her toes. The puke damage seemed minimal, so I didn’t think I was putting my Converse at risk.

  ‘Surely you’re not going to throw everything with Sigge away over a one-night-stand?’

  She stared at the ground, picking up loose stones and putting them back down again. Interesting answer.

  ‘Are things with Sigge not good?’

  ‘Things are fine. Great.’ She still didn’t look at me.

  ‘Then …’ It took me far too long to work it out. ‘It wasn’t a one-night-stand?’

  At first she didn’t move at all. And then, very slowly, she shook her head.

  ‘And it hasn’t just been in Vegas?’

  More shaking.

  ‘Oh shit, Jenny.’ No time for fear of hurtling to my death now. I pushed myself onto my knees and crawled over to my friend. Under her hair, her face was streaming with tears. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘Because I know I’m stupid.’ Her voice was raw and scratchy already. ‘It’s so stupid. Things are going so well, and now this. But I can’t stop it. I want to but I can’t. And I didn’t want you to think I was awful.’

  Whereas this way, I just thought I was awful.

  ‘Jenny, you can tell me anything. All that stuff I said to you the other night? About telling you everything? That works both ways. I will never ever judge you.’

  She looked up disbelievingly.

  ‘All right, I will never, ever be anything but supportive,’ I corrected myself. ‘I may occasionally judge a little bit, but that’s because I’m an arsehole. Judging will be silent, support will be vocal. Always. I am always here for you. Even if I’m in England. You’ll just have to Skype me in.’

  ‘I just don’t know what to do.’ She lay back in the dirt and stared up at the clear skies. Wrinkling my nose at the dust and muck, I did the same. Solidarity, sister. ‘Sigge is awesome. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated, and, you know, I can see a future there. We have so much fun together, and I know he’s really into this, but it’s just … Jeff. You know?’

  ‘How did it happen?’ I asked, half closing my eyes. She was actually on to something with this lying-down malarkey; my stomach settled and the deafening buzz in my head quieted itself to a low hum. Except that as soon as I didn’t feel sick, I realized how badly I needed a wee. ‘Only if you want to talk about it.’

  ‘Remember that time he showed up at my apartment?’ she started. Of course she wanted to talk about it. ‘When I’d just met Sigge?’

  ‘That was months ago. It’s been going on since then?’

  ‘No. No, he came over to talk.’ I heard the air quotes in her voice. ‘But I told him to go fuck himself and was all super-proud of myself for walking away. But then about a month later, he called and said he wanted to get things in a good place with us before he got married.’

  Her voice faltered a little on the last word, and I reached out to hold her hand. After an accidental boob graze, I finally found her fingers.

  ‘And I was really happy with Sigge by then – I felt like I’d be OK. So I said sure, figured I’d get some closure and make him buy me a really nice, really expensive dinner, but I guess we never made it to dinner. It was so weird. One drink and it was just happening. I couldn’t believe it.’

  Having witnessed a booze-fuelled Jenny and Jeff reunion show first-hand, I could believe it.

  ‘But as soon as it was done, I felt horrible, like I just wanted out, but he said there were still feelings, and there are still feelings, but I have feelings for Sigge too. And he hasn’t cancelled the wedding. I mean, he’s here on his bachelor party, for God’s sake.’

  I thought back to the happy times when I only had a visa to worry about.

  ‘So, what, you thought you’d come out here and change his mind?’ I asked. ‘Convince him not to go through with it?’

  ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. When I saw you last week, on Bedford? I’d been at his place. Your place – God, I don’t know how you didn’t bust me. He said he wanted me to break up with Sigge, then he’d call off the wedding. I said if he called off the wedding, I’d break up with Sigge. So we’re kind of at a stalemate.’

  ‘Do you want him to call off the wedding?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said. Then laughed. Then started to cry. ‘I want someone else to make the decision for me. If he gets married, it’s over. For good.’

  Jenny rolled over, dusting my face with Fekkai-scented curls and crap from the floor, and shoved her head under my chin. Nothing like a floor-snuggle between friends.

  ‘I miss living with you, Angie,’ she whined. ‘This wouldn’t be happening if you were home. This stuff never happened when you were there.’

  ‘This exact stuff happened when I was there,’ I replied. ‘I mean, literally this. I think you have to decide what you want. You can’t let Jeff decide for you. And if things aren’t right with Sigge, Jeff or no Jeff, you should break that off.’

  ‘But they are right,’ Jenny sighed. ‘I know it sounds stupid, but I am in love with him. When Jeff isn’t around, my brain flicks a switch and he doesn’t exist. And all I want is to raise little Vikings in the suburbs with Sigge. He makes me really happy. Honestly. What do I do?’

  I knew she wasn’t lying, but I just didn’t have an answer. I’d never been in a situation where I was in love with two people. I’d been in a situation where I was sleeping with two people, and I couldn’t even cope with that. Throwing big fat feelings into the mix did not sound like fun.

  ‘You genuinely couldn’t choose between them?’

  ‘When I think about losing Sigge, it makes me feel sick and sad. When I think about losing Jeff, it just seems impossible. Like, my brain just won’t even acknowledge that it’s possible. That we’re inevitable.’

  ‘But does he make you happy?’

  ‘No.’ She paused. ‘But I love him.’

  ‘Bugger.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  She sniffed loudly. ‘Maybe I should just throw myself in the canyon. Oprah isn’t on TV any more, I saw the last Harry Potter movie. What is there to live for?’

  I tried really hard to think of something helpful. ‘We still haven’t seen the last Twilightfilm?’

  ‘I read the book. They all die.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘No. Dumbass.’

  And then she started crying again. With nothing better to contribute, I joined in.

  ‘So, your friends? They’re like, together, right?’ Cody whispered far too loudly to Sadie. ‘The scene earlier – lovers’ tiff?’ Apparently the roar of the helicopter blades made him both deaf and stupid.

  ‘Just dumb,’ Sadie replied with reluctant affection. ‘They’re just real dumb.’

  I faired considerably better on the return leg of the flight and spent most of it idly patting Jenny’s hand, staring out at the Hoover Dam
and wondering if it wouldn’t just be easier if Jenny and I married each other. All to the tune of ‘Take My Breath Away’. Jenny’s dilemma made mine seem so much simpler. I loved someone. He loved me. I didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want me to leave.

  ‘You know, if you just tell him you’re all out of options, I bet Alex will suggest the marriage thing anyway,’ Jenny said, displaying worrying evidence of her mind-reading skills once again. ‘I’m just saying.’

  ‘I did say I’d see him later.’ I gave her a tiny shrug. ‘I suppose I do have to talk to him about what’s happening. With the job and stuff. See what he says.’

  ‘It’s not a bad thing, you know,’ she smiled. ‘A man you love wanting to marry you. Regardless of the motivation. Anyway, would you marry someone you didn’t love just because they needed a visa? I sure as hell wouldn’t.’

  ‘Probably,’ I nodded back. ‘I’m not very good at saying no. Terribly polite.’

  Jenny laughed in agreement. ‘Remind me of that the next time I need a favour.’

  ‘Because me waitressing at your cocktail party wasn’t enough fun?’ I shuddered at the memory of peeling sweaty latex from cold skin.

  ‘Actually, yeah,’ Jenny said, shuddering at the memory full stop. ‘We’re good.’

  ‘Thought so.’

  I said goodbye to the rivers and rocks and wild horses as Cody announced we were ten minutes from landing and, more importantly, ten minutes from a toilet. All the natural majesty the earth had to offer couldn’t compare with how badly I needed a wee.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Jenny let me use her phone to call Alex on the understanding that I was not allowed to spend the entirety of our last night in Vegas ‘macking on my man’. Given that I didn’t really know what macking meant, first I made the promise and then I made the call.

  ‘Hello?’ He answered on the third ring.

  When a number I didn’t know called me, I stared at my phone until it went away and then ignored the little voicemail icon on the screen until the number beside it was in double figures. Alex, however, had a debilitating phobia of voicemail and almost always answered his phone. Given his previous life as the village bike, this occasionally led to some very awkward conversations at three a.m. on a Saturday morning. Honestly, who keeps a booty call number in their phone for two years? Not that I’d ever had a booty call number to keep in my phone in my entire life, but still. I thought it was weird.