An Uncommon Family

by Christa Polkinhorn

  In the evening, Gloria and Anna went out to dinner. Relaxing with a glass of wine, Anna felt a little better. She loved Guadalajara and the exotic beauty of one of Mexico’s oldest cities, and she would be able to enjoy it more if it didn’t bring up painful memories of the past.

  “I’m still not sure meeting with Carmen is such a good idea,” she said, gazing across the street at one of the many beautifully lit cathedrals. “I guess I’m mainly worried that it’s going to be awkward.”

  “Don’t you think it would help you understand a little better what happened back then? It may be painful, but it’ll also be liberating. I just feel that if something like that happened to me, I would like to know why that man did what he did,” Gloria said.

  “I don’t know. Perhaps.”

  The following morning, Anna and Gloria walked along the street where Anna had spied on Nico’s family that fateful day. Seeing the small house with its neatly groomed front yard brought back a rush of memories. Anna’s heartbeat went into overdrive. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. Gloria knocked.

  Anna recognized the woman who opened the door right away. She had aged, but she was still attractive and slim, with pronounced facial features and penetrating dark eyes. Her long black hair was streaked with gray.

  Carmen invited them in and asked them to sit down. Gloria introduced Anna. Carmen observed Anna with a serious face but without malice. She gave Gloria a quick smile and asked if they wanted tea or coffee.

  “Coffee would be nice, thanks. What about you, Anna?”

  “Coffee is fine,” Anna said. “And may I have some water too, please?” Her mouth felt parched.

  “I have bottled water,” Carmen said.

  “Thank you.”

  “She seems nice enough,” Gloria whispered after Carmen left the room.

  Anna nodded. She was beginning to sweat and it wasn’t even hot.

  Carmen came back in with a bottle of water and two cups. As she was getting ready to go back into the kitchen to get the coffee, Gloria got up. “Let me help you.” Anna got up as well, but Gloria motioned her to sit down. “Just relax, I’ll help.”

  While waiting for the women to come back, Anna glanced around the living room. The house was modest, with plain furniture, a few pictures, a large TV, and a piano. It looked as if the family was doing okay. Anna wondered if Carmen had married again.

  After Gloria and Carmen came back in, carrying the coffee pot and a plate of cookies, they sat down. Carmen poured coffee and they all took a sip. There was an awkward silence for a while.

  Then Carmen faced Anna. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

  Anna was surprised that Carmen spoke English quite fluently. She took a deep breath. “I don’t know where to start. Perhaps I should’ve contacted you earlier, but I didn’t have the nerve. I didn’t know how much you knew or if you knew anything about me, about the marriage and everything.”

  “I didn’t know he married again.” Carmen spoke in a low sonorous voice. “I found out after his death, from the office.”

  Anna glanced at Gloria, who shook her head. “I didn’t say anything. It must have been Eduardo, his boss.”

  “Yes, Señor Morales told me,” Carmen said. “I was really shocked. But it wasn’t a total surprise, either. I knew Nicolas was involved with someone in the US, but I didn’t realize he went as far as marrying.” Carmen brushed her hand across her face.

  “You knew he was involved with someone? He told you?” Anna peered at the woman.

  Carmen nodded. “He wanted a divorce.”

  Anna’s heart stuttered, and she couldn’t help feeling a surge of elation at the news. Did that mean, perhaps, that Nico truly loved her, and did not just use her? “He wanted a divorce?”

  “Yes. When Nicolas and I got married, I already had two kids from a former relationship. I had gotten pregnant at a young age.

  “When I first met Nicolas, my boyfriend had just left me and I was desperate. Having children out of wedlock was a real blow to my family. They were ashamed of me and I felt abandoned and alone. At the time, I had a teaching job at the same school where Nicolas’s father taught English. That’s how I met Nicolas. He came by to pick up his father after work. I fell in love and I think he did, too.” Carmen’s voice trailed off and she gazed at Anna with her dark penetrating eyes. “You sure you want to hear all this?”

  “Yes, I do.” Anna spoke vehemently. “I want to know everything. I don’t know if you understand, but ever since I found out Nico was already married, I’ve been wondering who that man was I had lived with for all those years. When he died in that plane crash, I was deprived of ever knowing what had happened. I’ve lived with that uncertainty my whole life since.”

  “I know what you mean. When I heard that he had married again, I wanted to know who the woman was, but I didn’t dare to contact you. And I was angry, too. I was angry at you without knowing who you were.”

  Gloria, who had been quietly listening so far, cleared her throat. “If you want to talk about this in private, I can leave and pick Anna up later.”

  “I don’t mind you knowing,” Carmen said. “It’s all in the past now, anyway.”

  Anna shook her head. “It’s okay, Gloria. You were a friend of Nico’s. Unless you feel uncomfortable.”

  “No. I would like to know more, too. I liked Nicolas. We were all so shocked at the office when we found out.”

  Carmen continued in a low voice. “When Nicolas and I started dating, Nicolas’s mother was very ill with cancer and she soon died. It was a terrible tragedy. It was really hard on Nicolas and it almost killed his father. After she died, his father moved back to England. Nicolas was still in college and he was working as a draftsman’s assistant with an architectural company.

  “After his mother died and his father left, Nicolas was lonely and we became very close. The children and I became a kind of surrogate family for him.

  “But Nicolas wasn’t ready to settle down. He was a very ambitious young man. He wanted to get ahead in life. He had dreams of living in England or the United States. There were more possibilities there. All I wanted was for us to get married, and I did everything in my power to convince him. I pushed him too much and I came to regret it later on.”

  Carmen pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “We eventually did get married. After a few years, however, he became more and more dissatisfied. He felt trapped in a marriage with two kids. In his defense, I have to say that he loved my children and was a good father.”

  Anna remembered Nico’s love of children, but also his hesitation to have any of his own.

  “Then Nicolas received a scholarship to study architecture in New York,” Carmen continued in a low voice. “He had applied without telling me. He was afraid I would try to discourage him. If he was accepted, it would mean we would live apart for several years. We couldn’t have all lived in the United States. It would’ve been too expensive.

  “I was really upset that he did all this behind my back. But I knew that if I opposed him, I’d lose him for good. He promised it would only be for a few years. Once he had his architecture degree from the US, he would have so many more possibilities in Mexico as well, and we would be able to have a much better life.”

  Carmen shrugged. “I wanted to believe him, but I was heartbroken when he left. Somehow I felt that this was the beginning of the end of our relationship. At first, things went okay. He called regularly and came to visit whenever he had time to spare. He sent me money. I found out later that his father supported him financially.”

  “His father didn’t seem to know he was married,” Anna said.

  “Yes, that was another strange part of Nicolas’s life,” Carmen said. She took a deep breath. “When we got married, I wanted to invite Nicolas’s father to the wedding. But Nicolas claimed he had already invited him but his father wouldn’t be able to make it. I realized later that this was a lie. He never told his father.”

  “T
hat’s so strange,” Anna said. “Why wouldn’t Nico want his father to know? He came to our wedding,” Anna said, and regretted it instantly. This must hurt Carmen.

  Carmen, however, didn’t seem offended. “I’m not sure. But it seems to me that this was another sign that he wasn’t truly committed to the relationship.”

  “But why all the lies? Why was Nico such a coward? Why didn’t he tell me he was married? Why didn’t he ask you for a divorce if he wanted out of the marriage? I mean, what he did hurt us both more than a clean break.” Anna’s voice broke. Resentment and pain flooded her. It was as if the past, a past she had tried to bury for good, was getting ready to swallow her up.

  Carmen’s face darkened. “Well, his reason for not getting a divorce was more my fault than his. During one of his visits, he told me that he had fallen in love with someone else. He wanted to stay in the US and get a divorce. I was devastated. It was a very emotional time for both of us, as well as for the children.” Carmen hesitated. “It was also during this time that I got pregnant again.

  “Nicolas was confused. I knew he loved the children and, perhaps, he still loved me, too. At least I tried to convince myself he still loved me. And so I made a last attempt to keep him.” Carmen gave Anna a furtive glance, then looked down at her folded hands in her lap.

  “I seduced him. We were both raw and vulnerable and one night it happened. We both had too much to drink. I wasn’t using birth control and I hoped that if I got pregnant, he’d change his mind.”

  Anna thought about the birth certificate and realized that it was the time Nico and Carmen’s youngest boy was conceived, the one with the brilliant-blue eyes she had seen in the park on her last visit to Guadalajara.

  “A few months later, I realized I was pregnant, but of course it didn’t have the result I hoped for. When Nicolas was back on another business trip, I told him. He was furious. He yelled at me and accused me of tricking him. He really lost it; I’d never seen him that angry. He left and slammed the door, and I thought I’d never see him again.”

  “No wonder he was upset,” Anna said with a sneer. “He had been married to someone else for the past four years. He must have been afraid his whole string of deceptions would unravel and he would be exposed.”

  Carmen nodded. “Yes, I guess so. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do. But then two days later, Nicolas came back. He told me he would acknowledge the child and continue to help me support the children. However, he wanted a divorce. As far as he was concerned, our relationship was over.” Carmen lifted her hands in a gesture of resignation. “I was sad but also relieved. I knew I had lost him, but at least I wouldn’t be destitute. My salary as a teacher was hardly enough to support three children.”

  Anna felt increasingly sorry for the woman who must have suffered for years. She had always felt that she was the one betrayed, the one who was used by a man she had loved. But at least she and Nico had had a few good years together.

  “I found an envelope in Nico’s desk with photos of the child and Nico. It showed him holding the baby and smiling. He must have accepted and loved the boy,” Anna said.

  “Yes.” Carmen smiled. “After Nicolas—we named him after his father—was born, Nicolas came back and fell in love with the baby. He seemed really happy and he didn’t mention the divorce anymore. I began to hope again. Perhaps we still had a chance. At least Nicolas promised to always support me and visit whenever he was in Mexico. He wanted to have a part in his son’s life.”

  “Unbelievable,” Anna said, more to herself than to Carmen. “How did he ever think he could pull this off? I mean, one day, one of us would’ve found out. Well, I did find out.” She glanced at Carmen.

  “It happened when I visited Nico during one of his business trips.” Anna told Carmen how she had seen her and the children in the park, how she had followed them to their apartment, and how, after returning to New York City, she had found the same address on one of Nico’s papers. “It all came out, and then the plane crashed and I never saw Nico again.”

  Anna stared at her hands, struggling to keep her composure. The pain of that moment erupted anew. When she raised her head, Carmen looked at her with pain-filled eyes. For the first time, she felt a deep kinship with the woman who had been her rival.

  “He betrayed us both,” she said.

  Carmen nodded. They sat in silence for a while.

  “He loved you . . . more than he loved me.” Carmen turned to Anna. “During his last visit, before the plane crash, he told me that he could no longer live a lie. He had been more distant during that visit than before. Now I think it had something to do with you being with him in Guadalajara. Perhaps having us both around made him realize to whom he really belonged. Believe me; this is hard for me to admit.” Carmen peered at Anna.

  “And to be honest, I was worn out as well with the whole thing. It wasn’t good for any of us. The children only saw their father once in a while. They began to resent him. So finally, I told him I no longer cared. If he wanted to live with that woman in the US, he could do it. He could get a divorce.” Carmen waved her hand in front of her face, as if to chase away an insect.

  “He seemed relieved. He promised he would continue to support the children. He also said he would have to confess to you that he was married. And he was really worried about that.”

  Anna sighed. “By then, I already knew.”

  Carmen gave her a measuring look. “Would you have forgiven him?”

  Anna was quiet for a while. “I guess I would’ve . . . eventually.”

  At that moment, the door opened and a young man walked in. Anna’s heart thudded when she saw him. She inhaled sharply, thinking for a split second she was seeing a ghost. It was Nico, a younger version of him. He nodded at them.

  “This is Nicolas, my son,” Carmen said.

  “God, you look so much like your father.” It was all Anna could say. Her heart was beating fast. She gave Carmen a questioning look. “Does he . . . know?”

  Carmen nodded. “Yes, he knows. Nicolas, this is Anna, your father’s second wife . . . or first wife . . . I don’t know anymore.”

  A quick smile spread across Nicolas’s face. “I’m pleased to meet you.”

  “How could you be?” Anna blurted out. All of a sudden, the whole situation seemed ludicrous to her and she uttered a quick laugh. “I’m sorry,” she said, “it’s all just a little too much for me. I think I’m beginning to crack.” She turned to Nicolas. “I appreciate your kindness, but you couldn’t really be happy about this.”

  Nico shrugged. “Why should I be mad at you? It’s not your fault that my father was an asshole.”

  “Nicolas, please,” Carmen said.

  “For God’s sake, Mother, why don’t you finally admit it?”

  “Nicolas,” Anna said in an appeasing tone. “Your father made some terrible mistakes, but he had his good side, too. He was . . . weak, I guess. He was torn between two women. He loved them both . . . in his own way. He found himself in a situation and didn’t know how to get out of it.” Anna couldn’t believe herself. Here she was defending the man who had caused her so much pain.

  Nicolas’s reaction was swift. “I’m sick and tired of you women with your victim mentalities. It’s because you put up with crap like this that men get away with murder. I hope the jerk roasts in hell.” His dark-blue eyes flashed with anger.

  Anna was shocked at his fury. Carmen shook her head but didn’t say anything.

  Nicolas walked toward the door. Then he turned back and took a deep breath. “Forgive me, I don’t mean to be rude. And it’s true I’m pleased to meet you. I’m glad you came. Perhaps it will help my mother, too. Hasta luego.” Nicolas brushed a hand quickly through his hair, then left.

  Anna’s heart skipped a beat. It was the same gesture she still remembered from Nico. The three women looked at each other. “I hope he can forgive his father one day,” Anna said.

  Carmen nodded. “I hope so, too. You know, Nicolas was crazy about
his father. He was four years old when Nicolas died and he was devastated. He adored him, and when he found out the truth later on, he took it really hard.”

  Anna sighed. “Yes, I can understand that. All of a sudden, his idol became a human being with some serious flaws.”

  “It’s just hard to understand how Nicolas could live a double life for so long,” Gloria said. “He was such a straight arrow when it came to his work. He was kind and considerate, and always stood up for his fellow workers.”

  “It makes me wonder how we can ever truly know another person’s thoughts and feelings, even a person we are close to,” Anna said.

  Carmen lifted her hands in a gesture of helplessness. “I knew he was in love with someone else and I put up with it. I didn’t want to let go. I’m in part responsible for the whole mess, too. I helped him live a lie.”

  “Carmen, that’s nonsense. This is not your fault.” Anna spoke in a sharp tone. “Nicolas is right. Your son, I mean. We need to stop making excuses for him. He was wrong. He had his good side, too. I remember so well . . . but what he did was so wrong.”

  Gazing through the small airplane window on the flight to New York City, Anna remembered that it was this flight, twenty years before, that Nico didn’t survive. She felt uneasy, but the air was calm. People around her looked relaxed, and the flight attendant smiled at her when she served her the food.

  Anna spent a few days with Susan and George, visiting old haunts. The two were doing well and had a family with two children. Although it was at times painful to walk through her old neighborhood where she had once been so happy and so miserable, it also felt liberating.

  When Susan asked her about her trip to Mexico and if it had brought her anything, Anna said, “Yes. I found out something very important. I know now that Nico did love me and that he wanted to set things right. Unfortunately, he never had the chance to do so.” Anna took a deep breath. “I wish I had found out earlier. It may have made all the difference in my life. I may not have become so distrustful of other men and I may have trusted my own feelings more.” She waved her hand, as if chasing away an insect. “But it’s no use regretting the past. I have to move forward now.”