Suffocate

by Xavier Neal

  Not exactly true. But true enough.

  “Have you thought about just asking him?” Another sarcastic scowl comes across my face and he snaps, “I get enough of that bitchy look from the gorgeous mocha ice cream cone I married. I don’t need it from you too.”

  With a scrunched face I fuss, “Why? Why describe her that way?”

  “For that reaction.”

  Dickhead. See why I don’t talk to him.

  “Seriously though.” He clears his throat. “After that shit Maxx and I went through in the beginning, and in the middle...then again a little later on...I’m just saying don’t assume anything. Especially because what we assume tends to be the worst. Do yourself a favor, swing by his place and let him know how you’re feeling. Talk it out. Don’t wallow in your own self-doubt.”

  On a heavy sigh I lean back in my seat. “How’d you get that smart?”

  “Oprah.”

  “Really?”

  “No genius. You,” he yawns and shuts his eyes. “Now if you’ll excuse me. There’s two hours of sleep that has my name tattooed on it.”

  Having the first sip of my coffee I redirect my attention to the front door.

  I know Kellar is right, but something deep inside is telling me that he’s wrong. That whatever it is that’s got Stuart running two different temperatures is much worse than I am imagining. What do you think?

  Chapter 21

  Stuart

  Sealing another box with clear tape, I’m surprised to hear a knock on my door. I stand and toss the tape on the kitchen table quickly hustling to answer it.

  Lord have mercy on my soul. I can’t take another visit from my parents today.

  When I open the door I’m shocked to see Luke standing there in his pair of dark blue scrubs. Playfully I say, “Quickie before work Nurse Man?” The moment he scowls I widen the door for him to come in. “Now’s not a good time Luke.”

  “We really need to talk,” he insists as I shut the door behind him. “We really need to—are those boxes?”

  I fight the urge to snap with sarcasm in my foul mood. “Yes.”

  “Why do you have boxes?” My mouth opens when cuts me off again. “Are you moving to another apartment?”

  “Technically yes.”

  “What the hell do you mean technically yes?” I try to respond when he snaps again, “Are you leaving the city?” My mouth drops when he continues, “The state? The country?”

  “Would it kill you to shut up for a second so I can fucking answer?” I bitterly bite.

  Offended, Luke purses his lips together making me feel like an even bigger dick than I already felt.

  Shit. This isn’t going to end well at all.

  My hands scrub my face. “I’m sorry. I just—”

  The frantic knock on my door causes us both to turn our attention at it.

  Seriously? I’ve lived here for almost a year and this is the most fucking attention the damn thing has received in one day. This is not Heaven’s door. No need to keep knocking.

  I hold up a hand to retreat to answer the door, disgusted by what’s on the other side. Not opening my door all the way I shake my head. “Now’s not a good time Sara.”

  “It’s never a good time for you.”

  “In things that involve you, this is true, but now is really not a good time.”

  “Why?” She smugly smirks. “Because your boyfriend’s in there and you don’t want me to see?” Without waiting for further invitation she shoves hard against the door and barges in. “Ding. Ding. Ding. Looks like I was right. I mean I knew I was going to be right, but damn it feels good to be right.”

  Luke looks confused and concerned as he glances over her.

  Today she chooses to wear a form fitting dress that reveals her baby bump clearly? This feels like a set up.

  “Who are you?” Luke’s voice breaks.

  “The mother of his future child. And you must be his butt pirate partner,” her remark forces my hands to grip the back of my neck in an attempt to control my anger.

  In a sharp gasp he questions, “Excuse me?”

  “Don’t like the language? Maybe you shouldn’t suck cock in your sex life then,” she sneers.

  Harshly I snap, “Sara!”

  “Oh fuck off,” she chomps back at me. “You broke the contract—”

  “What contract?” He tries to innocently ask.

  “Luke and I are just friends—”

  “Now we’re just friends?” Luke whispers hurt.

  Oh this gonna be so much worse than I saw it going in my head. I should’ve told him yesterday when I had the chance.

  “Save the bullshit.” Sara waves her hand on my face. “I’ve got fucking proof!”

  “What?” I bellow.

  “I should go,” Luke says shaking his head as he tries to walk past me. Instinctively I reach out to stop him. Yanking his arm away he says coldly, “Don’t fucking touch me.”

  “Luke—”

  “Don’t call after him,” Sara bosses me around and pulls my attention back to her instead of my front door that just slammed.

  “What the fuck is your problem!”

  “You!” She screams back. “You are my problem! You climbed between my legs and ruined my life! I have been counting down the fucking minutes until I could do the same to you because guess what Stuart Ducane, when you make choices you only think about your fucking self!”

  “That’s not fucking true!”

  “Obviously it is! All you had to do was not fuck any dude until your son was born! That’s all you had to do! Keep your goddamn cock unused for a few months and I would willingly share joint custody with you! I would keep your dark closet secret from your parents! I wouldn’t tell the world that you would rather take it up the ass than put it in a pussy! But no! No! You couldn’t just keep it on lock for the sake of your own life and everyone else’s because you are a selfish bastard who only cares about you!”

  “I care about other people!”

  “But always Stuart Ducane first! That’s why you came to my door that night. It wasn’t really to see if I was settling in okay. It was because Stuart needed somewhere to go to forget his problems, damn who was gonna have to live with the aftermath of it all. Well you selfish prick, it’s over for you. Your boyfriend just dumped you, your parents are in town for me to see the look on their face when I tell them their son is a raging queer, and our son is now my son.” Sara pulls out an envelope from her purse and shoves it against my chest. “You can keep this one. I’ve got the files saved on my computer and a flash drive. In just a little less than a day the entire world is going to know your filthy fag secret.” My jaw clenches tightly as I feel my lungs constrict. Backing up towards my front door she evilly smiles. “Nice to see your life upside down. Make sure you tell C.J. he’ll be hearing from my lawyer first thing in the morning.”

  She slams the door behind her at the same time I tear the envelope open seeing a picture of me kissing Luke from this morning on his doorstep. From when I let my guilt push me into a careless choice. Livid I toss the photo at the front door and bury my face in my hands.

  My life is completely fucking over. And I deserve it.

  Chapter 22

  Luke

  The sound of pouring rain is making the difficulty of paperwork even harder.

  No it has nothing to do with the fact that Stuart isn’t who I thought he was. At all.

  “Nurse Hart,” Doctor Sheldon calls out rounding the corner.

  Oh God. Not now.

  “Dr. Sheldon.”

  “Pleasure to see you,” he says flashing his blindingly white smile.

  Bet those are fake too.

  I offer a smile in return.

  “So I was thinking. I have two tickets to the Opera next weekend and a little birdy told me you happen
ed to be off.”

  I’m shooting the bird when I find out who it is.

  My lips fold tightly together, so he continues. “I think we should go together. Grab dinner before. A drink after. What do you say?”

  “Doctor Sheldon, you’re needed in surgery.” the overhead announces.

  “Guess you gotta go,” my voice tries not to sound victorious.

  “I do. But think about it...” he strolls away.

  On an annoyed grunt, I return to the paperwork. Clicking my pen relentlessly, Charlotte suddenly appears next to me. “I don’t think it’s the pen.”

  I roll my eyes and try to concentrate back on the paper.

  “Did Dr. Sheldon just ask you out again?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you going to go?”

  “No.”

  “Wanna talk about why you’re going mad man on then pen?”

  “No.”

  “You sure?” she pushes.

  “I’m sure.”

  “But—”

  “Drop it.”

  “But—”

  “I said drop it!” I snap putting the chart down loudly. Her eyes widen and I quickly try to redeem myself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night. And I had a huge fight with my...with someone...and with the rain I know we’re going to be flooded because for some reason when it rains people think the roads are meant to speed on.”

  Never fails. Rainy nights are busier than icy nights. What do you mean how much ice do we see? Can you not pick apart my sentence right now?

  “Incoming,” Charlotte tosses her head as the ambulance pulls up rushing someone in. Before I have time to respond, the sight of the patient causes my body to freeze blinking away the disbelief.

  “Come on.” She elbows me to pick up the pace knowing they’re going to want us.

  As quickly as I can I swipe my phone open, push two buttons, and fly off behind her to do my job.

  Chapter 23

  Stuart

  The pounding on my door causes me to wince as I lift my beer back to my lips.

  I don’t give a shit if my building is on fucking fire. I’m not answering the door any more today. Maybe never again. I’ll just stay in my apartment and drink myself to death. Don’t do that. Don’t call me over dramatic. Fuck you for that.

  Suddenly there’s a rattling against the door knob and I know who it is since there’s only one person with my spare.

  C.J. rushes in with Erin behind him, the panic on both their faces alarming, but not enough to drag me out of how I’m feeling. “Why didn’t you pick up your fucking phone?”

  “I’m not really in the mood to talk to fucking people, let alone see them. So if you could just let yourselves back the fuck out that would be appreciated,” I snidely remark tipping my beer at them before taking a swig.

  “There’s an emergency!” Erin shrieks. Looking at her un-phased she yells again, “With the family!”

  “Well it’s not with you because you’re here yelling in my fucking face—”

  “Don’t curse at my girl,” C.J. protectively says. I roll my eyes and mock him, which forces him to ask, “How many beers have you had?”

  “Three,” I answer before shrugging. “And whatever was left in my whiskey bottle.”

  “Bro!” C.J. snaps at me. “Why the fuck—”

  “No!” I yell pointing my bottle neck at him. “I have had enough of everyone up my ass today! So explain why the fuck you’re here or get out!”

  Surprised C.J.’s mouth goes agape. Erin immediately fills in, “I’m gonna go against my natural instinct of chewing you the fuck out and say get up and get your shoes on. Luke sent me a text.”

  The mention of his name has my full attention even if it doesn’t deserve too. “That said what?”

  “Just our code.”

  “Code?” I sound skeptical.

  “When Luke started working as a nurse he decided it would be best if he decided on a short code to send out if it was family in the ER, so we could drop what we were doing to get there.”

  “What’s the code?”

  “Heart NJ.”

  “You heart New Jersey?”

  “You’re a moron,” Erin snips. “Heart for Hart, N and J for our parents. The people who let anyone into our home and be family, with welcoming arms. Something Luke has kept up since they died. Now get your shit together and let’s go.”

  Nodding I put the beer down and look at C.J. who has a fire in his eyes that I’ve only seen a couple times before. Not in the mood to talk to him about what happened I push past him, grab my shoes, and follow them to the car.

  The ride over is filled with nothing but silence creating for an even thicker amount of tension. As soon we we’re parked and heading towards the doors to the ER section, Erin says, “I don’t understand. Maxx and Logan are fine. The Kid is fine. Tony’s fine and Lex is in Jersey.”

  “See.”

  “Shut up.” She waves me off. “We’re all okay, so who the hell could it be?”

  “Maybe it’s him,” C.J.’s suggestion causes my body to tense up.

  “He was fine when I saw him earlier,” I admit and Erin shoots me a small wink making C.J. wary.

  In a low mumble he questions, “You saw him earlier?” I nod. “Alone?”

  “The first time.”

  “What do you mean the first time?” his voice tries to remain calm.

  Maxx quickly waddles over with both Kellars at her side. “What the hell?”

  “I don’t know.” Erin shrugs. “But you know he wouldn’t type that on accident.”

  “I’m kind of freaked out,” the Kid mutters sliding his hands in his jeans.

  “What do we do?” Maxx questions concerned.

  “We wait.” Erin sighs, pointing to the seats.

  “If I sit down, I’m not getting back up,” Maxx fusses.

  “Are one of you Stuart Ducane?” the Nurse behind the counter pipes up.

  With my stomach now in my throat, I step forward. “Yes ma’am.”

  “Your son was relocated to the NICU.”

  “Son?!” They croak behind me.

  In a trembling voice I whisper, “The N—N—NICU?”

  “The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Your wife—”

  “WIFE!” They shriek and I run a hand through my hair.

  “Not my wife,” I correct her politely.

  “She was in a car accident and is in the ER. If you follow Nurse Trina to the left, she can take you to see your son and give you an overview of the situation you are facing,” she calmly states.

  Somehow I nod and drift towards the woman she instructed for me to, the voices of the family I love so faint, I’m not sure if they’re actually talking or I’m imagining.

  “Mr. Ducane?” My head nods and she tries to offer me a sympathetic smile. “Can you follow me this way please?” The two of us head towards the back through a set of doors and down a fairly empty hallway, “Your wife—”

  “Friend,” I correct her.

  Even that’s wrong, but now’s not the time to correct that.

  “Was in a violent car accident. The police will be speaking with you shortly, but to my understanding one driver was texting and ran a red light causing a collision. Your friend’s vehicle spun and had contact with a power line starting a fire.” My knees start to wobble and she dips to catch me before I hit the ground. “Whoa there. She’s in the ER, but because of the accident they had to perform an emergency surgery to remove the baby to give it a chance.”

  “And...and is my son...is my son,” the words get caught in my throat as we step into the elevator.

  “He’s about 35 weeks. That’s premature and right on the cusp of potential problems. At the moment he’s stabilized and you’re allowed to see him, but you wil
l be asked to scrub up first and will be limited in the amount of time you can be with him. Do you understand?”

  Her words flow into my ears but don’t settle. Feeling the liquor burn it’s way up my esophagus I swallow it back down with the fear that my life wasn’t actually over before, but is now.

  Following her directions, she walks me through the hand washing process before leading me to my son. The second I lay eyes on him in his protective casing my knees buckle and the nurse catches me again.

  “Whoa there,” she softly says. “Careful.”

  My shaky hands land on the outside of his current home, tears silently dripping from my eyes. Politely she states, “I’m going to leave you alone with him for a moment. Alright?”

  I nod having lost all capability to speak as I stare onto the last bit of hope I have at ever being less selfish. With a trembling jaw, I continue to let the tears leak out of me trying to keep my sobs silent. On a sniffle I shut my eyes and begin a silent prayer to save my son and his mother.

  This might be too much to ask you, but can you pray or light a candle or kiss a lucky penny for us too?

  Chapter 24

  Luke

  Finally having a break, I rush to the waiting room where I see my family gathered and the one face missing that should be. Upon sight they all start loudly fussing at me at once forcing the woman behind the desk to shh them.

  “Do not shh me,” my sister snaps.

  “Ignore her Delores, she’s in shock,” I insist and the woman on the phone returns to her conversation.

  Erin gives me a sassy look and in exchange receives my parental one. Backing down she folds her arms and whispers, “She could have asked nicely.”

  “You’re yelling in her office. She doesn’t have to ask nicely,” I inform her sitting down in the room beside them.

  “What the fuck is happening?”Kellar says leaning forward.

  “Mouth,” the Kid mumbles. When he receives a glare in return he shrugs. “I guess you get a pass considering the circumstances.”

  “What exactly are the circumstances?” my sister pushes again. “He’s got a wife?”

  “He doesn’t have a wife,” C.J. speaks up.