Just the Funny Parts

by Nell Scovell

  “Well,” he said. “There’s nothing to be learned from that.”

  I gasped audibly.

  Instantly, I knew Rob was right, not just about this situation, but about most situations in Hollywood. Like Los Angeles itself, the entertainment business is built on shifting ground. Each experience is unique, shaped by personalities, emotions, timing and, for all we know, the stars. There’s no code to crack. There’s no paradigm to follow. Instead, the system operates on gambler’s reinforcement where intermittent success becomes a motivator.

  Studies show that if a rat presses a lever and randomly receives a food pellet tied to that action, the rat will keep pressing that lever all day long. This time. No, this time. Maybe, this time. Please, this time. What about this time? Yes! Whoo! Now again. Pressing the lever may lead to insanity, but how else are you gonna get a pellet? So the rat spends his day in a nice cage with some water to sip. It’s really not that much different from a writers’ room. And lever-pressing isn’t the worst job in the world—sure beats maze running. I can even picture two old rats sitting around, telling stories: “Remember the time three food pellets came out in a row? Man, that was something.”

  This mentality explains why Irv still longed for “one more shot.” The flip side of the depressing “Nobody knows anything” is the far more optimistic and Jewish-y, “You never know . . .” That’s why I continue to churn out scripts. I expect nothing, hope for something, and am delighted when my efforts are rewarded.

  There’s opportunity in confusion and Hollywood has a lot of opportunity. Even after three decades, I truly don’t understand how the system works. But I do know that the only paradigm for success is to keep looking for a paradigm for success.

  In 2014, after some furious lever-pressing, a nice fat pellet popped out and I went back on a sitcom staff for the first time in almost two decades. Big Bang Theory cocreator Bill Prady came up with a brilliant way to reboot The Muppet Show, making Miss Piggy a talk show host and shooting the series documentary-style. Like everyone with a soul, I grew up loving Jim Henson’s creations and swooned at the chance to add to the Muppets canon. I joined the series as a Co-Executive Producer.

  My first week on the show, I approached Bill Barretta, the Muppets’ wildly gifted producer/director/performer who voices Pepe the King Prawn, Rowlf the dog, and the Swedish Chef (among many others). I had an idea, but it required one small, curly piece of information.

  “Bill,” I said. “Does Miss Piggy have a tail?”

  “Huh,” he said unsure. “I guess.” Then he grew more confident. “Yes. She’s a pig. She must.”

  “But we’ve never seen it?” I asked.

  “Not that I know of,” he said.

  “Could we see it?” I asked.

  “I don’t see why not,” he said, flashing a mischievous smile.

  I set off to develop a story I was dying to write. It began with Miss Piggy on the red carpet, posing for photographers. Suddenly, she experiences the pig equivalent of Janet Jackson’s “nip slip” and her tail pops out. The newspapers plaster the embarrassing photo on the front page.

  Prop from “A Tail of Two Piggies”

  Use of the New York Post courtesy of NYP Holdings, Inc

  Normally confident, Piggy is embarrassed by the mishap. She’s not some tail-flashing, barnyard animal. She explains her discomfort to her costumer Uncle Deadly.

  MISS PIGGY

  My whole life, I’ve tried to cover

  the fact that I’m a . . .

  (drops voice)

  pig.

  UNCLE DEADLY

  (a beat; then)

  You are aware that your name is Miss Piggy?

  The issue, Piggy explains, is that her fans see her “as a lady, not a pig.”

  Piggy plans to publicly apologize for the incident until a “family values” group starts body shaming her and picketing the show. The protest backfires when Piggy wakes up to our culture’s double standards.

  MISS PIGGY

  What’s so offensive about my tail?

  Look around.

  PIGGY STARTS POINTING OUT MUPPETS AND THEIR TAILS.

  MISS PIGGY (CONT’D)

  Fozzie’s tail is out. Bobo’s, too.

  And Yolanda’s. Or is that okay because

  hers is long and thin?

  YOLANDA

  Thanks for noticing.

  KERMIT

  Piggy, I see your point but it’ll blow

  over a lot faster if you just apologize.

  MISS PIGGY

  I refuse. I’ve been hiding for too long.

  (takes off sunglasses)

  The fact is, I grunt and snort and have a

  tail. That is who I am. I’m a lady and a pig!

  And it’s time the world caught up with me!

  “A Tail of Two Piggies,” which I cowrote with Steve Rudnick, was a joy to produce. Watching Eric Jacobson perform Miss Piggy was a master class in both puppeteering and acting. There’s an obvious irony that a human man plays a female pig, but Eric takes the responsibility seriously. At one point, he came over to me on set, uncertain how to play the line, “I’m a lady and a pig.”

  I explained that I saw this as a moment of self-actualization rooted in my own experience.

  “All my life, I hated it when people called me a ‘female writer,’ ” I said. “I wanted to be perceived as just a writer. The world saw me as my gender and I saw myself as my accomplishments. But as I’ve aged, I’ve embraced my identity more. Now I’m happy stating, ‘I’m a woman and a writer.’ That’s who I am. And I want Piggy to stop denying who she is, too. I want her to realize that her pigginess is part of what makes her special.”

  Eric understood and delivered the line beautifully. He also added a great gag to button the scene. As Piggy becomes radicalized, she declares, “I’m off to change the world!” She starts to exit in one direction then, a beat later, does a 180.

  “The world is that way,” she says, scurrying off.

  The Muppets was cancelled after a partial season. It’s a long story so let’s just say there were too many Swedish Chefs in the kitchen. I took a break from TV to edit Option B, written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. The project was a sobering look at how to face adversity and build resilience. Sheryl shared the overwhelming grief that she and her family felt after her extraordinary husband Dave Goldberg died suddenly at 47. She also shared her determination to recapture meaning and joy. The book could not have been a bigger tonal departure from writing for the Muppets. Like Piggy, I pulled a total 180: “The world is that way.”

  I have no idea what the future holds for me, which is both exciting and frightening. Irv once told me that his biggest regret was that he stopped writing at around age fifty. He urged me to keep being creative with one caveat.

  “Promise me, honey,” he said to me in the hospital, “that you won’t take any project that your heart isn’t in.”

  I promised him that I wouldn’t.

  Irv died the next day. I think he would want me to recount his last joke. That same visit, the hospital phone rang and I answered. The kitchen needed Irv’s lunch order. I passed along their questions:

  “Any allergies?”

  He shook his head.

  “Any dislikes?”

  “George Bush,” he replied loudly and without hesitation. I held the phone up so he could hear the hospital worker laughing on the other end.

  I hated leaving his side that day, but Irv was tired. The next day, I called to see if I could come back. Irv said he didn’t feel up for a visit.

  “I love you,” I said.

  “I love you, too,” he replied.

  I miss Irv and wish I’d met him twenty years earlier. I think often of his advice to work only on projects that my heart is in. Sheryl said something similar in her commencement address at Barnard. She urged each graduate to “try and find a job that matters to you and matters to others. It’s a luxury to combine passion and contribution. It’s also a clear path to hap
piness.”

  Sheryl definitely wrote those sentences herself, because I didn’t know this principle was true until after we worked together on Lean In. Combining passion and mission is a clear path to happiness. Nothing is more satisfying than having a positive impact on people’s lives.

  This realization also helps explain why I love writing jokes. On a much smaller scale, laughter is a sign of impact. That impact may be fleeting. A laugh may be over in the wink of a president’s eye. But for me, that moment is bliss.

  Thirty years after I broke into Hollywood, I’m still pressing that lever hoping for a pellet. In an ideal world, I’d get to direct another movie. Or maybe I’ll create and run another show. I just want one more shot.

  And then one more shot after that.

  And then . . .

  THE END

  Job Timeline*

  1987

  It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, freelance episode, unshot

  Nov 1987–Jan 1988

  The Wilton North Report, FOX

  March–May 1988

  The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, CBS

  March–May 1988

  The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, CBS

  Funny Girls, pilot for Disney New Writers program, unshot

  Reunions, feature, cowritten with A. Scott Berg, FOX, unshot

  June 1989–Mar 90

  Newhart, story editor

  It Was One of Us, spec movie cowritten with Claire Scovell LaZebnik

  Jody Hartman and the News, Act 3 (Norman Lear), unshot

  June 1990

  The Simpsons, freelance episode (“One Fish Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish”)

  June 1990–Nov 1990

  Late Night with David Letterman

  1990

  Three Girls and a Genii, pilot, unshot

  Jan 1991

  Princesses, consultant on pilot, CBS

  Feb 1991–1993

  Coach, Co-Producer, Producer, ABC

  Sibs, freelance episode, shot but unaired

  1992

  Mighty Ducks punch up

  1993–1994

  Murphy Brown, Supervising Producer

  Fred and Frieda, spec movie, unsold

  1993

  The Critic, freelance episode, “A little Deb Will Do Ya”

  1994

  Brillstein two script deal

  1994

  Brillstein two script deal

  The Good Stuff, pilot, ABC, unshot

  Nebraska, pilot for Christine Taylor, unshot

  The Bags, spec movie with Joel Hodgson, unsold

  1995

  Space Ghost: Coast to Coast with Joel Hodgson, freelance episode, TBS

  Pandora’s Box, movie treatment, Turner Animation

  1995–1996

  20th Century Fox overall deal/TV pilots

  Microserfs sitcom pitch with Douglas Coupland

  The Love Lab, unshot

  Prudy and Judy, WB

  Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, with Joel Hodgson, Karey Kirkpatrick, Disney

  The TV Wheel, writer, HBO

  George of the Jungle, rewrite with Joel Hodgson, Disney

  Jan 1996

  Rudy Summers born

  April 1996–1997

  Sabrina the Teenage Witch, creator, Executive Producer, ABC

  1997

  Paul Sorvino project, rewrite, showrunner, ABC

  Teen Angel, consultant, ABC

  Times Like These, (live-action Jetsons) WB, unshot

  May 1998

  Dexter Summers born

  Providence, Consulting Producer, CBS

  Trust Me, spec pilot developed for Hugh Laurie, unshot

  1998–1999

  Nellie Bly, The Wonderful World of Disney, unshot

  1999

  Hayley Wagner Star, writer, director, producer, Showtime

  2000

  The War Next Door, three freelance episodes, USA

  Hidden Celebrity Webcam (web series), creator

  2001

  Princess and the Pauper, cable movie, unshot

  2001–2002

  Charmed, Co-Executive Producer, WB

  2002

  Honor, pilot, Spelling Television, CBS, unshot

  Split Second, pilot rewrite, Lifetime, unshot

  2002–2003

  Honor, pilot, Spelling Television, CBS, unshot

  2002–2003

  Presidio Med, Consulting Producer, CBS

  2003

  Without A Clue, pilot, CBS

  McCloud, updated for Brett Butler, USA, unshot

  Jealous Type, spec movie sold to Dimension, unshot

  Behind Bars, pilot, FOX, unshot

  2004

  Monk, two freelance episodes, USA

  The Rich Girl, pilot, CBS, unshot

  2005

  Same As It Never Was (became Hello Sister, Goodbye Life), ABC Family

  Girl in the Curl, rewrite movie, cowritten with Andrew Hill Newman, Paramount, unshot

  2006

  Untitled Marley Shelton Pilot with Bruce Helford, unshot

  2006

  Split Decision, spec movie, unshot

  Untitled Marley Shelton Pilot with Bruce Helford, unshot

  2006–2007

  NCIS, Consulting Producer, CBS

  2007

  It Was One of Us, Director, Lifetime

  2008

  Monk, freelance episode, USA

  Mercury Rising, hourlong pilot, ABC, unshot

  Sheriff, half-hour pilot, CBS, unshot

  2009

  Dance Lessons, cable movie rewrite, Lifetime, unshot

  81st Annual Academy Awards Red Carpet preshow, ABC

  2010

  Man Up, half-hour pilot, ABC, unshot

  2010–2012

  Warehouse 13, Co-Executive Producer, Syfy

  2011

  Backstabber, spec movie cowritten with Tim Carvell, unsold

  F8 with Mark Zuckerberg and Andy Samberg, opening sketch

  2012

  Lean In (book), Sheryl Sandberg

  2013

  Lean in (movie), Sony, unshot

  Mac and Celerie, spec half-hour pilot, unsold

  Last Gasp, spec drama pilot, unsold

  Meet the Morales, spec animation pilot, unsold

  2014

  Awkward, director, episode

  Win/Win web series, director

  The Kennedy Center Honors, writer

  2015–2016

  The Muppets, Co-Executive Producer, ABC

  2015

  Bette Midler, “It’s the Girls!” tour, writer

  2016

  Option B, edited book written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

  Mystery Science Theater 3000, “Carnival Magic,” writer

  The Wand Percent, pilot, Disney Channel, unshot

  2017

  Trophy Sister, pilot, CBS

  Acknowledgments

  Sheryl Sandberg gave me a seat on her rocket ship and changed my life forever. I could not be more grateful for her friendship and all the opportunities that our working together has provided. You’d think that after collaborating with someone closely for seven years, you’d get accustomed to how they think and act, but Sheryl’s kindness, generosity, and brilliance still amaze me.

  Editor Jessica Sindler was lovely and patient throughout this long process. Her guidance was invaluable. I am indebted to Julia Cheiffetz for being the first to believe in this project. And a boatload of thanks to the steady stewardship of Lynn Grady, as well as Ben Steinberg, Kendra Newton, Kell Wilson, Kelly Rudolph, Jeanne Reina, Beth Silfin, Andrea Molitor, Suet Chong, Alivia Lopez, and the rest of the team at Dey Street.

  Lacy Lynch was a delight to work with and so much more than an agent. She was a partner, and I depended on her advice, sense of humor, and judgment in all matters, both creative and practical. She encouraged me and challenged me in the best possible ways. Miller/Dupree super agent Jan Miller was this book’s fairy godmother. She should write her own book. I bet she’d get
a good deal.

  Jill Twiss was my first reader and has seen sentences no human should have to read. Her thoughtful and funny feedback made every chapter better. I met Lewis Friedman in 2014 and he instantly became one of my most trusted friends. Since he hadn’t heard all my stories, he proved to be an important and insightful reader. Rachel Dry is funny and wise and was there at the beginning. Laura Zigman is wise and funny and was there at the end.

  Years ago, I told Barry Kemp that I was thinking of writing a memoir. He tapped his fingers against his lips and said, “You should call it ‘Just the Funny Parts.’ ” I know a good pitch when I hear it.

  Alex Isley designed the cover. He is an artistic genius, as well as one of the kindest and funniest people I know. I cherish our long friendship. Robert Trachtenberg deeply understands comedy and is as good a writer as he is a photographer. I’m lucky that he shot the cover and author photo. Kurt Anderson and Anne Kreamer deserve a special thank-you for being there from the proposal to the cover selection. They were my heroes before they were my friends.

  Most of my friends are writers and I leaned heavily on them. Many are mentioned in the book so I won’t double up. Some deserved to be mentioned but there wasn’t space. Lots of love and thanks to: Scott Alexander, Beth Armogida, Neena Beber, Aimee Bell, David Dreyer, Quentin Hardy, Jenny Jaffe, David Kamp, Larry Karaszewksi, Leah Krinsky, Nell Minow, Kay Oyegun, Tony Rogers, Erin Gloria Ryan, Krista Vernoff, Jessica Yellin, and James Andrew Miller, who is as brilliant as he is supportive. And heaps of gratitude to nonwriter pals Hannah Zackson, Carol Krol, Anthea Liontos, David Shaw, Ashley Zandy, Aileen Boyle, Reade Fahs, Gina Wangrycht, and Rachel Klayman for invaluable input.