Aardvarks to Planet X

by Chris Troman

what it could be.

  Then a slender finger moved across the page, and rested where the blank squares were. "Placated" whispered Daphne. Doug followed the arm up, to stare at that knowing smile. As their eyes met she continued, "an eight letter word to appease." "I know, thanks" and smiling at this invasion of his moment, he filled in the clue. Then turned the page, to read the headline on the next article.

  Tougher sentences proposed on violent crime. "Good idea" Doug mumbled to himself, but he was dragged back from his private thoughts. Daphne looked stern faced, as she proceeded to give her views on forgiveness and rehabilitation. "People just don't understand how; if these poor souls were just shown an ounce of trust, they could lead good and decent lives." "Just like the one I've got stowed in the brig", snapped back Doug. "I'd tell you what he's done, but it might put you off the inflight meal." Daphne seemed hurt by this remark, "well some sort of surgery or drugs." She trailed, off aware that a rift had opened between them. Then turning gruffly away, Doug decided to get a nap.

  He drifted off surprisingly quick; perhaps it was the calm after the storm. But with a feeling of weightlessness, he found he was drifting through a field of barley. Then he noticed a distinct hint of orange blossom. Over in the distance he became aware of an orange grove, which he was now floating through. His eyes were drawn up to the beams of sunlight, as they pierced the trees. When he focused on the fluffy clouds, which seemed to be always there. One was in the shape of a lamppost, then yet another was a little like a pony.

  It opened up in a brilliance of light to reveal a figure, which Doug was floating up towards. Daphne was floating in the clouds, as a cherub with a coquettish smile. As she hummed that tune he found so reminiscent. But then the smile faded, and she was trying to say something; through the tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Doug couldn’t make out the words; they kept fading in and out. Then "Oh Doug the captain's just said we're doomed." He was back in the real world, and for a split second wished he weren’t. But as the meaning of Daphne’s words sank in, he realised something was very wrong. "What did you say?" he tried to keep calm, and so through sobs Daphne explained. "We came back in to normal space too near a massive black hole. They're trying to break free but", and she broke in to tears completely.

  Doug leaned over, and held her tight as the sobbing subsided. He hadn't the heart to tell her the thought; that had just occurred to him. That if was a big black hole, they wouldn't be torn apart at the event horizon. It would be the singularity hidden beyond, that would get them. He looked up, and saw a lot of frightened people. Some obviously together, comforting one another in these final moments. Others just making their peace with the world, as best they could.

  Nuzzling next to him Daphne whispered, "Doug I don't want to die alone." Doug lifted her chin and tried to comfort her, "that's alright I'm here." But there was a look in her eyes. She meant something more, but couldn't voice it. Then her resolve overcame the moment, "I mean as man and wife."

  For some reason, this didn't strike Doug as odd. In fact now he thought about it, what she had just said was the most natural thing in the world. Glad now that he had not had to broach the question, Doug tenderly took her head in one hand. And in the madness of it all, whispered back. "I don't think the captain will have time to spare at the moment. He'll be a bit busy."

  Daphne was laughing through her tears. "Give me your ticket", he tenderly commanded. So with a little confusion on her face, Daphne handed over the document. Doug took out his pen, and crossed out the Ms and replaced it with Mrs. He then printed his name, signed and dated it.

  Looking back in to her tear stained brown eyes, he informed Daphne. "As an official of the federation security force, I notarise this document. You are now officially a wife. As there are no other Mr Mendips on this flight, you must be mine." Then as her eyes filled with fresh tears, they pressed lips for the eternity; that passes beyond the event horizon of a black hole.

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  Smokey Joe jnr.'s Anglo French phrase book for the weary space traveller who's lost his bibliophone.

  Extract from section 27 - conversing with space pirates

  Vous avez une cuillère à café = you have a teaspoon

  Calme votre grand battement pieds sac de viande, voulez-vous que nous être shot = quiet your big flapping feet meat bag, do you want us to be shot

  Maintenant, lorsque je vous pousser à vous détourner de lui, aucun point nous deux d'être abattu = now when I push you in you distract him, no point us both being shot

  Vous stupide imbécile J'allais juste l'assommer, maintenant nous n'avons pas un pilote, mes mains sont trop grandes pour les commandes = you stupid fool I was going to just knock him out, now we don't have a pilot, my hands are too big for the controls

  Si je souffler les portes lorsque le Captain's dans ici, je peux faire pour lui, mais lorsqu'il voit le mur cassé il va procéder avec prudence = if I blow the doors when the captain's in here I can do for him, but when he sees the broken wall he'll proceed with caution

  Donc, la meilleure chose à faire est d'aller à l'arrière sas et prendre son navire par derrière, je vais obtenir de lui pour me de verrouillage jusqu'juste parce que j'ai convaincu son équipage de mutinerie = so the best thing to do is go out the back airlock and take his ship from behind, I'll get him for locking me up just because I persuaded his crew to mutiny

  Votre pas davantage de dynamitage mon navire mates vous cretinous sot = your not blasting any more of my ship mates you cretinous fool

  Vous tromper que seuls les feuilles François pour piloter le navire = you fool that only leaves François to pilot the ship

  Pas si vite vous double Traitant Tas de junk = not so fast you double dealing pile of junk

  Où est François vous le scorbut chien = where is François you scurvy dog

  La dérive morts dans l'espace, quand j'ai trouvé qu'il avait été vendu à votre plan de traître = drifting dead in space, when I found he had sold out to your treacherous plan

  Vous inutile moron me jeter une ligne, si jamais je sortir de ce je vais déchirer votre tête = you useless moron throw me a line, if i ever get out of this I'll rip your head off

  If you have found this section helpful why not buy the full book from scrap publications of Mars

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  Log tables and slide rule for those bereft of calculators

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