Mine to Fear

by Janeal Falor

  “Yet, where would I be?”

  I sigh and shake my head.

  “No, I mean it,” he persists. “Where would I be? What type of person would I be like?”

  I can't help it. I sit up and give him a wry grin. “You'd be ornerier than an old man.”

  He laughs. “Not just that, but I'd not respect women like they deserve.”

  “Plus, Serena would have never met Zade and would be under the control of some horrid warlock, and Cynthia would never have shown so many Chardonians she could do magic in the first place. She may have even been caught doing magic and been sacrificed and had all memories of her erased by those she cared about.”

  “Exactly,” he says. The tone of his voice becomes more serious and deeper. “And I wouldn't have met you.”

  My heart flutters. My stomach becomes light, giddy. Is this what falling in love feels like?

  We lean closer to each other. And closer. Are we going to kiss? I want to kiss him. I want to know what it feels like to have a man's lips pressed against mine. To feel my heart soar higher than the clouds.

  Is this what falling in love feels like? Sunshine in my chest, lighting to a fire at the thought of a kiss and roaring into a heated passion as our lips meet? This is more than I ever hoped I would feel. I pull Jack closer, not wanting the moment to end.

  There are footsteps before I even have time to register them. Someone is coming. Cynthia appears. Drat this place and it not having any privacy.

  “I'm, uh, interrupting I think,” Cynthia says. “I'll just go.”

  She's gone before I have a chance to tell her to stay. It's just as well. I probably wouldn't have said it anyway, despite all the politeness my mother drilled into me because the last thing I want right now is someone else around. Even if the mood is already gone. We've both pulled back. No finding out what it's like to kiss him. At least not right now.

  It's just as well. Kissing a man is serious business. If I'm going to kiss him, I want to make sure it's what we both really want. Though it's hard to think that right here and now with us both leaning back in toward each other. With the way he's gazing at my lips like they are the most important object in all the world.

  Forget thinking about things. I want that kiss.

  I stand, and he does so as well, only I move the few paces to him, put a hand on each side of his face, and kiss him. It happens so fast, I almost don't believe I actually did it. But his lips are pressed to mine and mine to his. His arms wrap around me, pulling me in closer.

  I never knew a kiss could feel like this. Warm and good, with the flutters from earlier racing up and down my entire body. I never want it to end. And it doesn't. It just goes on with burning heat.

  Someone clears their throat. We yank apart with sudden coldness. It grows even colder when I see who interrupted us. Chadwick.

  “Um…hi.” Most awkward moment. Ever. “How can I help you?”

  He glances at Jack, no, more like a glare, and then looks back at me. “I just wanted to make sure you’re well after everything that happened. But I can see I shouldn't have come. I'll talk to you later.”

  He turns to leave. I call after him, “Chadwick, wait.”

  But he's already gone.

  “I should be going as well,” Jack says.

  Oh lovely, now he's upset too. I'd rather kiss more than deal with two ornery men. But Jack's already gone as well. Everything feels all twisted up. Wrong. Why can't things be simple? Love is hard. Anything is easier than romance. All I know anymore is that Jack's right. Helping the Chardonian people is the best thing I could be doing.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  The natural spring running through what we've turned into the kitchen has icy cold water. Katherine scrubs pots next to me. She returned just this morning and is already helping with chores. She doesn't even have to be doing any since she's only visiting and doesn't live here, yet she's jumped in to help anyway. If only it was as easy to get the people who are supposed to help to do so. Not that they don't. Most of them are pretty good, but a few stubborn ones don't seem to understand what we provide for them.

  “Only three more to go,” Katherine says, heaving the large pot to me to dry off.

  “So, tell me a little bit about this Charles you brought with you.”

  Her cheeks instantly redden.

  There's a blush if I ever saw one. “I knew it. How did you two meet?”

  She sombers, the red leaving her cheeks and making them look whiter under the torchlight. “I ran away from home and met him on the streets. He saved me from a fate worse than death.”

  “Dare I ask what that fate might have been?”

  “Marrying a wretched old man who smelled rancid.” She shivers.

  I put a hand on her shoulder. “I'm glad you found him.”

  She gives me a soft grin then hands me another pot. We quickly finish up the last of the dishes and put them away. We walk toward the main cavern.

  A girl of about nineteen, just older than me, says, “Hello, Waverly.”

  “Are you doing well today?”

  “Grand. Cynthia just showed me a hex that knocks warlocks asleep.”

  “That one is useful. Can I introduce you to my friend, Katherine?” I nod in her direction.

  The girl's face goes blank. “I'm sorry. I don't see anyone here but you.”

  They start to walk away, but I stop her. “You can't just walk away from someone like that.”

  “There's no one here but you, and I thought we were done with our conversation.”

  “But I just introduced you to Katherine.”

  Her gaze scans over her very briefly, so quick I almost missed it. “She's less than a shadow, not worth noticing.”

  She storms off. I move to go after her, but Katherine grabs my arm. “Don't. It's not worth it.”

  “It is. They shouldn't treat you like that. Not after all you're doing to pitch in and help.”

  “No, they shouldn't. But there's a lot of things that shouldn't be. Besides, being less than a shadow has its advantages.”

  Still, she shouldn't be treated that way. But I guess after dealing with so many bad things, it's hard to believe in the good. At least I assume that's what's holding them back because there's no other reason for them to ignore Katherine so thoroughly, especially when she's only trying to help.

  “They'll come around,” I say. “It took a while with me. They probably just need more time with you as well.”

  “I wish they would. There's so much more help I could offer if I knew they would trust it.”

  I give her a quick squeeze. “I know. Why don't I introduce you to our leader? He was gone last time you visited. He should be happier to see you.”

  I take her to find him, asking around where he is to discover he's outside. We find him, back to us, sitting on a fallen tree trunk.

  “Jack,” I say. “I have someone I'd like you to meet.”

  He stands and turns, but before I can say anything, he drops the piece of wood he was whittling and stares at Katherine. She stares back, face pale between her inked lines.

  “Do you know Katherine?”

  Still, neither say anything.

  After another moment, Jack finally says, “This is my sister. The one I told you about.”

  “Katherine?”

  “It's true,” she replies and then says to him, “What are you doing here?”

  “Trying to help. Trying to make amends for the way I treated you growing up. Can you ever forgive me?”

  Her brows knit together like she's lost. “I didn't expect to ever see you again. And if I did, I didn't expect you to recognize me like this.” She motions to her face and bald head.

  “Your image is engrained into my memory. I could never forget someone I so cruelly mistreated.”

  “When did you decide that it was cruel? You used to think it was normal.”

  “After I came to work for Councilman Daniel. I began to see that even though he was a councilman, he treated ever
yone with respect, including his wife. It made me wonder if I was taught wrong all those years. If I mistreated you for no purpose. Then I met Waverly. She quickly convinced me that women are of much greater worth than I ever knew.”

  The silence that follows is only broken by the chirping of a bird.

  “It's not an easy thing to forgive,” Katherine finally says.

  “I understand. I will work to earn your forgiveness the best I can.”

  She steps closer to him. “You already have it.”

  I can't help but smile as I watch the two reunite.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Jack should be rounding everyone up for a meeting any minute now. Jack, Katherine's brother. I wouldn’t have guessed it, though I don't think either of them would have either. At least some hopeful things are coming out of all this mess.

  I flash a mirror spell out, a reflective silver that smooths out before me, shinier than a real mirror but just as effective. I run a second spell, which turns out a bright red, to brush through my hair. The long locks are stubborn but probably only because I so badly want them to behave.

  Once my hair's done, I bite my lips, reddening them, and then add the faintest bit of a spell to my eyelids. A faint white one that shimmers in the light. Not that there's much light here in the cave. There's the echo of footsteps approaching.

  I zip my mirror away and stand. Nerves flutter through me like firework spells. I've never been so affected by a warlock before. Who knew it would be a Chardonian warlock that would be the one to do it?

  The echoes are closer now. I take a deep breath, hold it, and slightly part my lips. The steps turn the corner.

  “Expecting someone else?” Cynthia says.

  I let out the breath in a huff and zip the glitter off my eyelids. That was going a bit far anyway, especially for someone like Jack. “Of course not.”

  She laughs. “I'm sure you weren't. Jack sent me to get you.”

  “Oh.”

  “Don't sound so deflated. He got trapped into a conversation with Theodore. I'm certain he would much rather have come for you himself.”

  Heat tickles my cheeks. “It's just a meeting.”

  “Where you two will pretend it's all about business, while the rest of us wonder when you'll finally just kiss. I swear, the tension between you two almost needs to be dealt with as much as this war.”

  I can't help but giggle, not mentioning we have kissed. Oh lands, have we kissed. “My, you've sure grown up since meeting Lukas.”

  “And you're about to grow up just as much.”

  I laugh harder before sobering. “It's hard to think about a relationship with everything else going on.”

  “Trust me, I know. But I think we all need extra love while the world is so bleak.”

  The thought turns me silent. Maybe, just maybe, she could be right.

  “We should go. A certain someone will turn grumpy if we don't show up soon, and we both know when he turns grumpy, you turn grumpy.”

  I chuckle. “You have a point.”

  We head out of the room and into the large cavern to meet with all the people. Its large space isn't covered even a quarter of the way with people. The people here are eager and willing to help, but it's just not enough.

  We hurry from the room to a smaller cavern where we leaders meet. Jack is there. I can't help but blush remembering everything Cynthia said about him.

  “We need more people. This group isn't enough. Not if we're going to save people from the power plants.” Frustration bubbles in me. “There has to be something we can do.”

  Cynthia stands. “There is. I will go around the country and find more people loyal to our cause.”

  “You can't,” Serena says, jumping to her feet as well. “It's too dangerous.”

  “What do you think I've been doing for the last several months?”

  Serena looks to me. I shrug. “I agree that it is dangerous, but we're running out of options. We either give up now or give it everything we have now because that's what it's going to take.”

  The silence that encompasses us is heavy, wrought with the unknown of what's to come. We're barely surviving this rebellion. I don't want anything bad to come of anyone, but without more help, it will be a lost cause.

  “You're correct,” Serena says. “And I'm coming with you.”

  “You needn't risk you're life too,” Cynthia counters.

  “We’ve seen how the people react to both of us. It will be more effective if I come with you than if you go alone.”

  “I can't argue with that,” Cynthia says. “And it will be good to have a sister with me.”

  “It's settled then,” I say, trying not to think on how Zade would react to this all. Maybe he'd surprise me and be in support. If anything, he'd insist on going with them, but I can't afford that luxury, not to mention all the people I'd scare off. “But you two had both better stay safe. Don't you dare take any more risks than you absolutely have to.”

  Cynthia shrugs. Of course she won't be able to guarantee that.

  “We won't,” Serena says, solidifying the fact that Cynthia needs her as much as she needs to go with Cynthia.

  “I think we need more than just who you two can gather,” I say. “I think we need someone to go gather those we've sent back into society. Someone they'll trust to know it's time to come back and fight.”

  “I'll go,” Chadwick says.

  “Or I can,” Theodore says. “I should not only be a familiar face, but a familiar countryman.”

  As much as I want to send Chadwick, Theodore has a point. Besides, I can't decide why, exactly, it is that I want to send Chadwick, and I need to be sure it's for the good of the people. “Theodore, I think you'd be the best fit for the job.”

  “Thank you. I will send back as many warlocks as I can to help.”

  “We should pack our things and move out before the day is over,” Cynthia says.

  I grab Serena and Cynthia with one arm and pull them into a group hug. “I will miss you both so much.”

  “And we'll miss you,” Serena says.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  It's quiet without Cynthia to share a room with. Or what passes for our room in any case. It's quieter still when I help at practice. Without Cynthia and Serena, nothing is the same.

  The week moves slowly. Training others. Helping with chores around the place. An uneventful trip for food. Everything falls into place, as long as it's contained within our own little world.

  I stare at the target my group of trainees are trying to hit, and it blurs into mush. There's no excitement around. No fun. Nothing but everyone taking a deep breath in the hopes that soon we will win this war.

  I shake myself out of it. I can't ignore those who need my help as much as I'm tired and ready for a break. As much as I wish my friends were back, with all the help we desperately need.

  I walk down the line of girls and one warlock. He didn't have anywhere to go, so he stayed here when most others were sent back into society. He doesn't need much encouragement. He hits his target every time with a different type of spell.

  The next girl is doing all right. I give her a few pointers, which she quickly takes. The next in line is Phyllis. She's standing, staring at the target like I was doing only moments before. Hopefully, her thoughts are more pleasant than mine, but judging by the frown on her face, it's unlikely.

  “How are you doing?” I ask her.

  She glances up at me before looking back at her target. “I'm fine.”

  I move a little closer and lower my voice. “Are you sure? Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Anything I can help you with?”

  She mumbles something I can't make out.

  “What was that?”

  She shakes her head. “I don't know that I like practicing magic. It feels…wrong.”

  “Wrong how? Maybe we just need to adjust the way you're doing something.”

  “I don't think that's it.”

  “What do you think it
is, then?”

  She lets out a long breath. “I know what you all say, and I know what I've seen all of you do, but magic is meant for warlocks. Men. Not someone like me.”

  “You're worth more than you think. You can do this. I know you can.”

  She says nothing, her mouth making a thin line.

  “Why don't you show me a spell? Nothing fancy, just a burst of pure magic?” Not only will it help me gauge how she's doing with her spell casting, but the color of light might give me a better indication of her mood.

  She holds up her hand like she's getting ready to cast a spell, only nothing happens. A moment later, she drops her hand. “I'm sorry. I just can't do it.”

  I put a hand on her shoulder. “That's all right. We can try again later.” Though I think we'd better not take her on any fights. Not if she can't bring herself to do even a simple spell here.

  “Do you really think we can do it?” she asks.

  “Do what?”

  “Win the war against the Grand Chancellor?”

  Though I'm questioning it myself, I don't dare say anything of the sort to her. “Of course we can.”

  “What will happen to us if we can't? Will we be tarnished?”

  I look at her, really look. I can't sugar coat it any more than I already have. She's been punished before, and she knows what this country is like better than I do. Why else would she have spied on Serena instead of befriending her? I know she would have been tarnished if she hadn't told on Serena to Stephen. She's faced it before and came out better than she went in. She can do it again.

  “I'm afraid being tarnished would be the least of our worries if we lose,” I say. “But honestly, I don't know exactly what will happen to us.”

  She nods, more solemn than when I first started talking to her. “If you don't mind, I think I'm done practicing for the day.”

  “Of course,” I reply. “Please let me know if there's anything you want to talk about.”

  She nods, but the way she presses her lips together makes me wonder if she really will.

  After she leaves, I continue helping the others for another hour. Finally, I release them all, and Tawny goes with them to hopefully do something relaxing. I can't bring myself to move. After talking to Phyllis, I'm feeling extra downtrodden.