The Child's Secret

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘Tomorrow?’

  Sam nodded.

  ‘And what about him?’ Selina asked. She was looking at Jasper who was sitting on the floor watching them. Sam’s training was finally paying off and when he had told the dog to sit, that was exactly what Jasper had done. He would wait there forever if Sam asked.

  ‘He’s a good dog,’ Sam said and then tried to ignore the sound of Jasper’s tail thumping against the floor. ‘He’ll keep you company and I don’t mind paying for a dog walker if it’s too much for you.’

  ‘There’s always Jasmine.’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’

  ‘Did she say why?’ Selina asked without needing to explain the shift of focus in their conversation.

  Sam continued to reorganize the food on his plate rather than eating it. ‘Laura doesn’t have to explain anything to me, Selina.’

  ‘Are you sure it was her choice, Sam?’ Selina said, more firmly this time.

  ‘Of course it was. She had options, didn’t she? If she wanted to leave then she could have done.’

  ‘Don’t you dare think it’s as easy as packing a bag and walking out, Sam McIntyre.’

  Sam played with his food, using his fork to create a long, winding path through his mashed potato. It would have been far easier to have left as soon as his bag was packed, without phoning Laura, without explaining to Selina, but he deserved to be punished by at least one of the people who had made the mistake of getting close to him.

  ‘You have no idea how hard it will be for her,’ Selina continued. ‘She’s spent years fighting to hold her marriage and her life together. It’s going to take a lot for her to admit defeat.’

  ‘But why, Selina? It’s not exactly her failure, it’s Finn’s.’

  ‘This isn’t about Finn. This is about her own battle to resurrect the person she used to be. She’s trying to remember what it’s like to have a free will and to take charge of her life again. She will do it, Sam, she has to – she has Jasmine to think of.’

  ‘What makes you think she isn’t thinking about Jasmine? She said it was because of her that she’s staying with Finn.’

  ‘She said that?’ There was a new note of concern in Selina’s voice. ‘But she was leaving for Jasmine’s sake. We all agreed the child would be better off away from Finn. Why would she change her mind?’

  ‘You tell me,’ Sam said sullenly. ‘Maybe it’s Laura’s turn to grant one of Jasmine’s wishes.’

  ‘No, I don’t like this, Sam. I don’t like it one bit.’

  Sam remained silent, not wanting to open up the conversation further. He had enough questions of his own – along with a gnawing fear that Laura and Jasmine still needed his help and that he shouldn’t abandon them.

  Selina held her tongue too, but only as long as her patience would allow, which wasn’t long at all.

  ‘It might be half a century ago, but I remember what it was like being in Laura’s position as if it were yesterday.’

  Giving up on his pretence to have an appetite, Sam pushed away his plate of food and waited for Selina to continue.

  ‘I could have left too, Sam,’ she said, ‘but it was as if I had stopped being a person in my own right. I was only an extension of my husband’s life and I couldn’t escape. I could pack my bags and leave, but while Alf was alive I was never going to be free. He wouldn’t have let me go without a fight and I knew if I tried to leave he would find me and then there would be hell to pay. Even when I was pregnant for the fourth time and managed to get beyond the third month, when my baby’s survival was in my hands as much as it was in Alf’s fists, I still didn’t have the courage to leave. As long as he was alive, we would always be in danger.’

  ‘I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you after the accident.’

  ‘I can remember coming around in hospital and being told that Alf had died. I could have hugged the poor doctor who thought she was delivering earth-shattering news. Even when she told me how I’d lost the baby and they’d had to perform an emergency hysterectomy, it didn’t diminish that feeling of pure elation. Of course, I was being pumped full of drugs at the time and it was only later, once I began to rediscover the person I had once been, that it hit me. I’d lost my babies, past, present and future and, in the end, Alf was right. It was all my fault.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re even saying that, Selina. You may have been browbeaten into believing that once, but you can’t think that now.’

  ‘Can’t I? I’m responsible for the life I went on to lead. It was my decision to close my heart and keep the world out, wasn’t it?’

  Sam’s only response was to clear away the food that had become as indigestible as the point his landlady was trying to make. ‘Do you want pudding?’ he asked.

  ‘I’d prefer a glass of whisky.’

  When he returned from the kitchen with two glasses, Selina had placed her shopping bag on her lap. She reached in and took out a clear plastic bag. ‘I found these in the wheelie bin,’ she said, lifting it up so Sam could see its contents.

  ‘That’s where they belong.’

  She reached in and grabbed a handful of origami cranes, their wings neatly folded. ‘There are nine hundred and ninety-nine of them by my reckoning.’

  ‘I’ll take your word for it.’ Sam took a sip of whisky and let it warm his throat as he swallowed. His heart meanwhile remained ice cold.

  ‘One more and you could have your heart’s desire,’ she said. ‘Just out of interest, what would you have wished for?’

  ‘I don’t believe in wishes.’

  ‘What would you wish for, Sam?’

  From the tone of her voice, Sam knew she wouldn’t relent. He shook his head. ‘I’d wish for the impossible.’

  ‘If I had a wish, then I think I’d ask for another go at the last fifty years. I’d already lost so much; my innocent babies together with my chances of ever being a mother, but I shouldn’t have kept on punishing myself. I didn’t have to give up my future happiness to prove how deeply I felt my loss.’

  ‘Very subtle,’ Sam muttered.

  ‘I wasn’t talking about you, Sam,’ Selina said.

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  Selina drained her glass in one gulp. ‘And I think Laura has made her decision under duress. She was determined not to give Finn another chance. Something’s happened and you have to find out what.’

  ‘I’m leaving tomorrow, Selina. It’s not my problem any more.’

  Selina glared at him. ‘You can’t leave her like this!’ she hissed.

  Sam glared back. ‘I can, and I am. Don’t you see—’

  ‘Well, if you won’t help her then I will.’ Selina stood up.

  ‘And do what? Go around and invite Finn to break one of your hips?’ Sam asked. This wasn’t the farewell dinner he’d had in mind and although he hated the idea of their last evening together ending with a row, he wouldn’t give in. ‘Leave them to their own fate. Leave us all to our own fate, Selina.’

  His landlady grabbed the plastic bag full of birds and rummaged inside until she found an unused square of paper. She slammed it down on the table. It was dark green with yellow flowers and a pure white underside. ‘I tell you what, Sam. Why don’t you make it anyway and wish that Laura and Jasmine survive the next few years with an abusive husband and father. At least then you can say you did something!’

  Sam jumped up so fast that his chair fell backwards, narrowly missing Jasper who yelped anyway. ‘Don’t you dare lay that guilt on me! This is the reason I have to go, Selina! I don’t want to be responsible for them. I won’t have them on my conscience, do you hear me?’

  40

  Police station: Wednesday 7 October 2015

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  Sam had stepped out into fresh air to find the light draining rapidly from what had been a very long day, and promised to be an equally long night until news came that Jasmine had been found safe and well, if that news came at all. He turned to see Laura e
merging from the gloom of the police station. Close behind, there was a police officer and Laura gestured to him, letting him know she wanted some time on her own with Sam.

  ‘Tell you what?’

  ‘About Ruby. Why didn’t you tell me she had died?’

  Sam exhaled and his whole body deflated. ‘So you think I took Jasmine too.’

  ‘If I believed that, Sam, then I wouldn’t have come down here to convince DCI Harper that you wouldn’t harm Jasmine. I understand now more than ever how you were only trying to protect her.’

  There was a chill in the air, and as the autumn wind wrapped around them, Sam wondered if Jasmine were exposed to the elements; cold, alone and abandoned. Laura didn’t move; she seemed not to feel the cold and the wisps of hair that had escaped her ponytail wrapped around her face, sticking to the fresh trail of tears on her cheeks.

  ‘I shouldn’t have been so quick to accept your decision yesterday,’ Sam said. ‘I should have done something.’

  He didn’t ask why Laura had decided to stay with Finn but she gave the answer willingly. ‘Finn said he would fight to keep custody of Jasmine if I left. I couldn’t risk that.’

  Sam was about to tell her that no court in the land would grant Finn custody of any child, but the argument was a moot point when the child in question was missing. ‘I’m going home to see if Selina’s back yet. Apparently the police haven’t been able to track her down.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Do you think they could be together?’

  The police officer who had been shadowing Laura was standing on the other side of the door and Sam couldn’t be sure if he could still hear them but he dropped his voice anyway. ‘I swear I don’t know, Laura. I can’t even explain why Jasmine’s footprints should be by the house. I never told her where I lived.’

  ‘She went to see Jasper according to her note,’ Laura said. ‘I don’t know how she knew where to go either but clearly she did. Do you think Selina might have got to Jasmine somehow and invited her over? Do you think she might have planned to take her?’

  ‘I can’t believe it, but it is possible, I suppose. Selina was as desperate as I was to get you and Jasmine away,’ Sam said before correcting himself. ‘More so, given that she wasn’t about to abandon you.’

  ‘I don’t blame you for not wanting to hang around, Sam. I’d put you in an impossible position, dragging you into this sorry mess and then pushing you away,’ she said, and sensing that neither of them wanted to trawl over the past when there were more pressing matters to deal with, she added, ‘I know Selina had an abusive marriage, but if she was trying to help us escape then why would she take Jasmine without at least telling me or you?’ She wrapped her empty arms around herself before adding, ‘If they are together, do you think … Is there any possibility that Selina would harm my baby?’

  ‘Selina’s a good person, Laura, and if Jasmine is with her then she’ll be safe. Selina cares a lot about you both.’

  ‘Then why would she put me through this!’

  ‘I wish I had an explanation but I’m sorry, I don’t,’ Sam said. He was momentarily distracted by his mobile ringing in the pocket of the grey sweats the police had kindly let him keep while they kept hold of his running gear. When he checked the number it was withheld. ‘I wonder if the press have my number. I don’t suppose it would take them long.’

  ‘The police are organizing a press conference now. They want me to make a plea for information and I think that’s when they’ll announce they’re looking for Selina too. It’s going to be hard to keep you out of the spotlight I’m afraid.’

  ‘And I’m sure Finn will make sure I stay there,’ Sam said as he ignored the short vibration on his phone that told him he had a voicemail message.

  ‘It might not come to that if you can track down Selina first. And hopefully Jasmine too.’

  There was desperation in Laura’s face as she looked to him for answers, but it wasn’t in his gift to give. ‘I’m sorry, Laura, I’ve told the police all I know. I’ll go home and change, then I’ll phone around Selina’s friends and after that I’ll scour every inch of the park in case Jasmine’s there.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what else to say. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘I want her back, Sam. I just want her back,’ Laura said, her voice breaking. She took a gulp of air and held it. When she spoke again, it was to beat herself up with her own words. ‘She’s been scared for such a long time. I knew that, I just didn’t want to see it. I was too busy convincing myself that I could be the buffer between Jasmine and her dad.’

  ‘I should have done more,’ Sam added.

  ‘No, don’t you dare blame yourself, Sam.’

  ‘It’s hard not to,’ Sam said, thinking of another little girl and the weight on his conscience.

  ‘I’m sorry … About Ruby, I mean. I can’t imagine … Oh, God, Sam, I don’t want to imagine what it might be like.’

  Sam wanted to reach out and take Laura in his arms, but he was being watched closely so instead he offered only words which were cold comfort to both of them. ‘And don’t you blame yourself either. If anyone is responsible for this, it’s Finn.’

  As Laura stood with the wind pushing against her, she didn’t sway; in fact she grew in substance. ‘Yes, it is, and even though it’s too late, I’m going home to do what I should have done a long time ago. I’m going to throw him out, Sam. I dread to think what the press will make of it, or the police for that matter, but I’m beyond caring.’ She laughed then. ‘Actually, what better time to do it than when I’ve got a police presence?’

  ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do,’ Sam said.

  It wasn’t until he was safely in a taxi cab on his way home that Sam listened to the message left on his mobile.

  ‘What have I done, Sam? Oh, dear Lord, what have I done?’ Selina cried out into thin air because Sam hadn’t had the good sense to answer his phone.

  41

  Wednesday 7 October 2015 – Early morning

  The first thing Jasmine noticed when she awoke was the hiss of rain hitting the window; the second was the knot in her stomach. It took only a moment to remember why it was there, and when she did, the knot tightened and she wanted to be sick.

  Slipping out of bed, Jasmine was torn between rushing into the bathroom to be sick and not wanting to leave the security of her bedroom at all. Home didn’t feel so safe any more. She had heard her mum and dad arguing the day before which proved she had been right to think that they were getting divorced – only it was much, much worse than she had feared. She had thought she would be living with her mum and spending some weekends with her dad like Keira did. She had never considered the possibility that it might be her mum leaving – without her.

  It was all because she hadn’t been able to make her wish properly. If only Sam hadn’t found her note and spoiled everything. She had been angry at Sam and had thrown the wish away, not because she had stopped believing in the tree but because she didn’t want to risk anyone else reading it, especially her dad who now had plans of bringing up his daughter on his own. It wasn’t what Jasmine wanted. It wasn’t what she had asked for at all!

  Jasmine had told the tree she didn’t want her parents to get divorced, but then she had thought about how horrible their life had become lately and especially how frightened she had been when her mum had had the accident. Jasmine hadn’t been there when it happened and while she didn’t want to believe that her dad could hurt her mum, Jasmine had heard enough and seen enough to know that was entirely possible. How many other knocks and bangs had her mum had and how many times had Jasmine been woken up by her dad staggering into the house in the middle of the night? She had often heard him talking to her mum in the next bedroom and although she couldn’t always make out what he was saying, the tone was enough and it terrified her. It must have terrified her mum too.

  When she wrote her note, she had been less concerned with saving her parents’ marriage than she was with what w
ould happen afterwards. She didn’t want to be like Keira. Her friend liked going to stay with her dad and his new family, but then Keira’s dad was really nice and he liked children, he must do because they had a new baby. Finn, on the other hand, didn’t like kids and he especially didn’t like her, at least not all the time. She was scared of spending time alone with him. She wouldn’t be hearing his ugly threats through a bedroom wall any more because he would be taking it out on her instead. And that was why her wish had been never to see her dad again after her parents got divorced. And the tree would have made it happen, if only …

  A wave of nausea crashed into Jasmine as she realized how much worse it was going to be if she had to live with her dad full time. Why did Sam have to find her note? And if he had read it, why wasn’t he helping like he said he would? Her mum couldn’t stand up to her dad on her own, but Sam could, and he could have helped them run away. Anything was better than pacing the floor waiting for her dad to come home, which is what her mum had done.

  Jasmine had been waiting too and had barely slept, but as far as she knew, her dad hadn’t come home. He would eventually, of course, and that thought was enough to send her rushing to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, she dry retched. Her hair fell forward and brushed the surface of the water until her mum came in and swept it over her shoulder and started rubbing her back.

  ‘Are you all right?’ she asked when Jasmine had pulled herself up and taken a sip of the glass of water waiting for her.

  ‘Think so.’

  ‘Will you be OK to go to school?’

  It was normally a tempting proposition to exaggerate her ailments and stay at home, but Jasmine had no desire to spend any more time than she had to waiting for that first sign that her dad was back. There was something in her mum’s voice that suggested she didn’t want her to do that either.

  ‘You’ll be here when I get back home, won’t you, Mum?’

  Not realizing Jasmine was frightened that her mum might leave for good, Laura said, ‘No, I’m going into work soon but I’ll be home at my usual time. Is that OK?’