The Child's Secret

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘Kiss me, Sam,’ Laura whispered. When he didn’t respond, she pulled him closer until their lips were almost touching.

  Heat rose through Sam’s body and he took a leap of faith. He kissed her with such force that their teeth knocked together and they stumbled back against the wall. Laura wrapped her arms tightly around him as he lifted her off her feet. He kissed her deeply, and then desperately, as he tried to hold on to the pureness of his desire for her, unsullied by memories or the fears that had begun to flock around him. Fear of what Laura was offering him, fear of wanting too much, of loving too deeply and of living in constant terror of losing it. But it was that last thought that taunted him as they both stopped for air, and he was peeling her arms from his neck and pushing her away before either of them realized what was happening.

  ‘I’m sorry, Laura,’ he gasped. ‘I can’t do this.’

  She blinked as if his words were a slap across the face. She pressed her hand briefly over her mouth, holding tight the memory of their kiss and then said, ‘I can’t change your mind, can I?’

  Sam was backing away, slowly shaking his head. ‘I hurt Anna and that was bad enough. I can’t risk doing the same to you. I won’t do it.’

  Laura didn’t look convinced, which must have made what she said next all the more difficult. ‘OK, Sam. If I have to, then I’ll respect your wishes, but can you do one thing for me? Will you stay in touch with Selina? She’s a lovely lady and she’ll be heartbroken if …’ She glanced towards the holdall waiting by the door. ‘When you leave.’

  ‘I know she will,’ Sam said. ‘I’ll try.’

  Laura pursed her lips as if to say more, but there was nothing left to say. Sam wasn’t the only one who had an urge to flee, and a second later she was rushing through the door and stumbling blindly down the stairs. She was about to open the main door when Sam caught up to her. When he put his hand over hers, she didn’t turn around nor did she pull away.

  Resting his head on hers, Sam whispered into her ear, ‘If anyone could have given me a reason to come back into the world of the living then it would have been you. Actually, for a while it was, but I can’t do this, Laura. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I love you, Sam,’ she said.

  When his only reply was silence, Laura pulled the door open and ran out of his life.

  ‘You bloody fool!’

  Sam didn’t turn towards the sound of Selina’s voice until he had watched Laura disappear out of sight. He closed the door. ‘I know.’

  The fury in Selina’s eyes rooted Sam to the spot. ‘Do you have any idea what you’ve just thrown away?’ she demanded.

  ‘Yes, a wife and family,’ he said flatly. ‘But they’re not mine, Selina. I don’t want that.’

  ‘Them,’ she corrected. ‘They’re people, Sam. People with warm hearts and open arms.’

  Sam shook his head. ‘Don’t you get it yet? Hasn’t what’s happened over recent weeks, if not months, been proof enough that I am not the kind of man everyone wants me to be? He doesn’t exist any more, Selina. He’s gone, and all I want now is to be left alone. Is that too much to ask, woman?’

  ‘I don’t suppose I have much choice, do I?’

  ‘I’m going upstairs to get my things,’ he said, and at long last Sam had the courage of his convictions.

  Selina pinched her lips but it didn’t still the tremble in her voice. ‘Don’t do this, Sam. Did you not hear what Laura’s just said to you? She loves you, for God’s sake!’

  ‘And what happens next, Selina? We start a relationship? I slip into Finn’s shoes while he’s still cooling in his grave?’

  ‘I thought he was cremated.’

  Sam glared at her, or at least gave it his best shot, knowing how much he was already hurting her. ‘Laura and Jasmine have been through a traumatic experience, in fact they’re still going through it, and take it from me, they won’t really know how they feel for a very long time yet.’

  ‘You think I don’t know that?’

  ‘Of course you do, which is why I’m asking, no, begging you, Selina. Stop wasting your breath trying to convince me to stay. If you want to help, then help Laura. Interfere in her life.’

  Selina’s laugh was hollow. ‘She doesn’t need me telling her what to do any more, Sam. Did you not look at her? Laura’s taking control of her own life although it must have taken such a lot for her to come here. And this is how you repay her bravery.’

  ‘Don’t blame me for this! I never once suggested I could offer more than I already have. After the debacle with Anna, I made damn sure I didn’t.’

  ‘You didn’t have to, Sam. I could see it and so could Laura.’

  ‘See what?’

  Her voice softened, but she hadn’t given up the fight. ‘The potential,’ she said. ‘You could make each other so happy if only you weren’t so determined to keep everyone trapped in their own individual miseries.’

  ‘Stop it, Selina, please. Haven’t I enough guilt on my shoulders already?’

  ‘Haven’t we all,’ she muttered.

  The two stood facing each other, neither willing to back down and more especially, neither willing to end what could be their last conversation. It was only when Sam felt angry tears stinging his eyes that he was forced into action. He was sick and tired of hurting.

  ‘I’ll bring Jasper down in a minute,’ he told her before bolting up the stairs and grabbing his holdall.

  It took only one trip to put his belongings in the car and then a final trip to collect Jasper. Sam took one last look around the apartment which appeared only marginally less lived-in than it had earlier. He picked up Ruby’s shoebox which held all but one of the one thousand cranes and, as he left, he wondered if there was magic in the air. He could recall quite clearly what he had written on the underside of the forest green paper that was now nesting deep inside the trunk of the Allerton Oak. What he might never know was if his wishes would be realized.

  I wish Laura the strength and courage to love someone who will give her the love she deserves in return.

  I wish Jasmine the strength and courage to remember how to be a child again, to leave the shadows behind and bring sunshine into the lives of the people who love her.

  And I wish Selina the courage and strength to continue to interfere in Laura’s life so she can have the surrogate family she craves.

  ‘At least I tried,’ he told himself. ‘There’s no more I can do.’

  When Sam led Jasper downstairs, he found Selina waiting for him. She had a carrier bag in her hand.

  ‘Some bits and pieces for your journey,’ she told him.

  Along with containers of food and a flask, there was another bottle which took Sam by surprise. ‘Bleach?’

  Selina sniffed the air. ‘There’s no knowing what kind of hovel you’ll end up in, so make sure you give it a good clean as soon as you get there.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘I know this is where we’re supposed to make our peace and I’m supposed to wish you well, but I still think you’re a bloody fool.’

  ‘Aye, I know, but this way I stay a sane one.’

  ‘You will phone, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll even phone tonight to let you know where I’ve ended up.’

  The conversation stalled. Everything had been said except goodbye. ‘You will keep an eye on Laura for me, won’t you?’ he asked. ‘I know it’s asking a lot but you have so much in common and besides, without me around, you’ll need someone to fuss over. The world lost out by not making you a mum.’

  Tears were starting to brim in Selina’s eyes which she concealed by grabbing hold of him and giving him a fierce hug. ‘I’m going to miss you, Sam.’

  After peeling himself from her arms, Sam crouched down to see to Jasper. ‘And you be a good boy for Selina,’ he said, spending just enough time stroking the dog for Selina to dry her eyes.

  ‘Now stay, Jasper,’ he said before straightening up.

  The pup looked confused as he watched Sam open th
e front door. The brooding sky had turned slate grey but the rain was still holding off for the time being at least.

  ‘Wait!’ Selina said when he took that first step over the threshold. ‘I need to tell you something.’ There was panic in her eyes and she spoke urgently. ‘I never told you the whole truth about my life with Alf and if I don’t say it now, I never will, not to anyone.’

  ‘Say what, Selina?’

  ‘Some people believe in wishes, Sam,’ she said, glancing at the shoebox tucked under his arm, ‘but some of us learn the hard way that we have to do the dirty work ourselves. I was the kind of person who, when I cooked a chicken, didn’t keep the wishbone, I served it to my husband in the hope he’d choke on it. Not that he did, of course, he was virtually indestructible.’

  Selina began wringing her hands as she continued with her speech. ‘The night of the accident we were driving home from a family wedding and my darling husband was accusing me of flirting with my brother-in-law of all people. As he drove, he took great pleasure in telling me what he was going to do to me when we got home. I was sitting next to him with one arm wrapped around our unborn child, our little boy, while he told me how I didn’t deserve to be a mother. Maybe he was right,’ she said with a sigh. She was looking at Sam, watching for his reaction as she bared her soul. ‘What kind of mother chooses to end her son’s life and that of his parents there and then rather than …? Well, I’ll never know if either of us would have survived the beating my husband had in store for me, will I?’

  ‘You caused the accident?’

  She nodded. ‘Like I said, Sam, for good or bad, sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands.’

  ‘Did the police know?’ he asked, thinking of the file Harper had been poring over.

  ‘They knew what Alf was like because my neighbours called them out often enough. Not that they did anything – it was a domestic matter as far as they were concerned and I was too scared to press charges. Judging by the questions DCI Harper was asking, I’m sure the police had their suspicions about the cause of the accident at the time but they didn’t pursue it.’

  ‘How could they when they had already failed you?’ Sam took a step closer to kiss Selina’s forehead then said, ‘You are one gutsy lady.’

  Selina snorted. ‘To do what I did? No, Sam, I was simply ruthless.’

  ‘I mean to have lived with that knowledge for all this time. And for the record, you weren’t ruthless. You were backed into a corner and you stood up to a mindless thug the only way you knew how.’

  ‘There could have been other ways, but that’s my guilt and my burden. Do you understand now why I can’t sympathize when you tell me how you feel responsible for Ruby’s death? Life is unpredictable and you can’t take responsibility for the things you couldn’t have foreseen. I, on the other hand, knew exactly what would happen when I pulled on the steering wheel and drove us down an embankment. The only thing I didn’t foresee was that I would survive. You have the luxury of being able to forgive yourself one day, whereas what I did was unforgiveable. Think hard on that, Sam.’

  And with that, Selina ushered Sam down the steps. ‘I only told you that because you’re leaving, so go on, sod off,’ she said with the kind of false bravado that had helped her through the last fifty years. ‘Live a good life, Sam.’

  Sam was still in shock as he drove away from the house and he didn’t give a thought to where he was heading next, but wherever it was, he knew the motorway would get him there by the fastest route. He had to get away from the people he had come too close to caring about, but his heart wouldn’t be released so easily. He found himself imagining what it must have been like for Selina to reach the point of despair where she saw death as her only escape. He couldn’t imagine how she had dealt with the aftermath, the relief of escaping a cruel husband only to face the devastation of losing her unborn son and the possibility of ever conceiving another.

  She was right: his own guilt was nothing compared to hers, but Sam had played his part in Ruby’s death and he wouldn’t be convinced otherwise. Words couldn’t stop him from torturing himself, time certainly hadn’t eased his conscience and neither would he want it to. He deserved the pain. And if it was a hurdle that didn’t exist, as Kirsten would have him believe, then why did it hurt so much every time he hit it?

  In the mood to torment himself further, Sam turned his thoughts to Laura. This was a new beginning for her too and he hoped she would make the right choices. Would she become fiercely independent like Selina or would she find someone new? After Sam’s cruel rejection, her confidence would surely be dented. What if she never trusted another man again? What if she fell for another charmer like Finn who would ultimately let her down? The very thought made him feel sick to the stomach but Selina had been right. Laura was in control of her own destiny now, not him.

  A motorway sign flashed past. He was already approaching the junction for the M6, at which point he would have to decide whether to travel north or south. Was it time to head back towards Scotland or should he continue to put more distance between his old life and his new? Whichever way he chose, it would be a fresh start, and he thought about the imaginary chest at the back of his mind where he would lock away his memories again … but some were refusing to return to the darkness. Somewhere between the grey tarmac and the leaden skies on the horizon, an image of Ruby’s face appeared. She looked like thunder.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he remembered asking. They were on their way back from a shopping trip. He had dropped Kirsten off at the bakery where she worked and had asked Ruby if she wanted to sit up front, but his daughter, who would have been eleven at the time, remained on the back seat, her arms folded across her chest.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said.

  ‘Come on, it’s just you and me now. Tell.’

  They had stopped at a junction and Ruby continued to sit in stony silence.

  ‘Don’t you like your new uniform? Is that it?’ In his rear-view mirror he saw her shrug. ‘I thought you couldn’t wait to start high school?’

  Just before she turned her head to look out of the window, he thought he saw tears brimming in her eyes. ‘Don’t want to go.’

  Sam had suspected as much. The traffic lights changed and, as he drove off, he said, ‘I know it must feel daunting. You’re going from being a big girl in a little school to a wee lass in a big one. It’ll take a while to get used to it, but you will, I promise. In no time at all you’ll be all grown-up, feeling sorry for all those new starters and wondering where the time went.’

  ‘But I don’t want to grow up,’ she said as she turned back to her dad.

  ‘So you want to spend the rest of your life being bossed around by me and Mum?’

  ‘Don’t mind,’ she muttered.

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘Can I remind you of that, Ruby, the next time you tell me to stop nagging?’ When she didn’t reply, he tried a different approach. ‘I had you down as being your own boss, running your own business like Mum.’

  ‘I don’t want to be a baker, stuck in a hot kitchen all day covered in flour.’

  Sam could have asked her outright what she did want to do, but when Ruby was in a certain frame of mind, asking a direct question rarely received a direct answer. He gave her time to ask herself the question.

  ‘I want to be a tour guide. I want to spend all my time outdoors, come rain or shine, with a crowd of tourists hanging onto my every word. Not one of those boring ones carrying a flag and pointing out all the obvious stuff – I want to make it fun. I want to get everyone involved and excited so that even if they’re shivering cold and wet they won’t want the tour to end.’

  ‘A bit like what I do,’ Sam said.

  ‘Not at all,’ she said, shocked that her dad could make such an assumption. ‘I’ll be getting people interested in history.’

  ‘Oh, I see. Yes, that’s completely different from my tours around the estate.’

  ‘OK, maybe a bit like what you do,’ she conceded.

&n
bsp; ‘But different.’

  She nodded. ‘You keep telling me I should work to my strengths and it’s not my fault that the thing I’m good at is talking to people. Just like you.’

  Sam tightened his grip on the steering wheel as this latest memory played out in his mind. At any moment he expected to feel the full force of the hurdle he was about to ram into. He braced himself for the impact but it didn’t come. He was being reminded not only of the man he had once been, but the man his daughter had seen. People were his strength; being around them, talking to them, taking an interest in their lives. His training had been in horticulture, his expertise lay in flora and fauna – but his job satisfaction came from sharing his love of nature with people.

  Rubbing his chest, Sam glanced at the next motorway sign. The junction for the M6 was only a mile away and he still hadn’t decided. He wondered what he might do if he did turn northwards. Would he go back to Edinburgh? He still had family and friends there who would welcome him with open arms, even Kirsten; perhaps especially her, and an apology to his ex-wife was well overdue. When Ruby had died, she had turned to him, expecting to see a reflection of her own grief, but instead he had put up a wall. By isolating himself he had isolated her too.

  If he were to head south, then Sam would be re-establishing his isolation. He would learn from his mistakes, though – he wouldn’t let anyone sneak into his heart again. He would cut himself off completely.

  The car indicator clicked rhythmically as Sam turned onto the slip road which would quickly give him the choice of two opposing directions. North or south? He still didn’t know. The gnawing sensation in the pit of his stomach was still there, but so was the residual warmth left by Ruby’s memory. He summoned an image of her face. He was out of practice and it took so much effort that he drove past the northbound exit before he knew it. The tension building in his body made him feel sick and his mouth watered as he fought the urge to vomit.