Living on Hope Street

by Demet Divaroren

  ‘I doubt he told you to put them in your school bag.’ Her top lip ticked.

  I zipped my bag, shoved a bunch of crayons in my pocket.

  ‘Go ask him,’ I said, walking off.

  ‘Kane! Do not walk away!’

  ‘Watch me.’ I waved and walked outside towards home, my bag heavy with Sam’s colours.

  Angie coming to my house. Her voice upset on telephone. I clean house, wait for her in front yard. Ziya inside and he make music in lounge room. My rainbow bird give my life colour after Mr Aslan die. I sip coffee in fincan and touch Mr Aslan’s tespih. It have thirty green beads on the string. I count them coz it help me relax to touch the beads that have his finger mark. ‘Ahhh, Mr Aslan, you go, leave me alone in this country.’ I sip coffee and it sweet like chocolate. ‘Remember how you hug me and kiss me and say let’s go Australia, canım. Oh, how I love when you say to me canım, my soul. You say Australia modern country, they have good doctor, good hospital. You speak truth, Mr Aslan. This country be good to us, it have many faces, just look this street! Australia give us full stomach, house for hard work but it take away much too.’

  When Mr Aslan and me hear about Australia from someone in our village, we go to city to get information from employment ajans. It take one hour to go there in bus. The ajans show us Australia magazine with picture of kangaroo and koala. Kangaroo carry baby outside stomach and I cry when I see this. I carry my babies inside and I not give them life. Mr Aslan he hold my hand and the woman bring me water and I say I’m good and we look at pictures of field and factory with better jobs. When we go home we not sure what to do coz Australia very far from our family, but my heart hurt for my babies and I scared to have children in the village, so far from hospital.

  I come here and have Meryem. I give her life but pain too. Then she give me Ada and take her away. When I take börek last week I go with hope. Ada she see me from window but I not have courage to stay. I run away like child! Ah, my stupid head! How I think they will come to me if I get scared to even knock on door?

  African girl Gugu walk past. I smile and she wave and go her house. She very smart, make me laugh when I talk with her yesterday. I take them cake and her mum hold my hand and squeeze with smile like sunshine. I want to cry when I see this. They new to Australia and I see in her eyes the same fear and sadness I have when I first come here.

  In first month in Melbourne, me and Mr Aslan stay in hostel in Footscray with many people. No one know English, everyone look to each other, smile small. Some people cry coz they not have words. One day Mr Aslan say let’s go for walk, find garden – oh, how he miss flowers! We go but we not know streets, how to read sign. We scared we get lost and no one find us in this big country coz we not have English. So I rip material from my dress and tie to trees and pole so we find way back home. It take us two hour to find park but we sit next to rose and lake and see bride take photo and think we lucky to be in country with clean road and beautiful park! We learn the streets, we learn the factories, we learn the work but I never learn to understand Meryem. The words she say to me when we fight, they bleed inside me every day.

  Mr Aslan’s karanfil flowers wave to me. He plant next to my babies’ roses. He wish them good morning every day, sometimes write poem for carnations. He say to me, words are the love that make flowers grow. When they hear nice word, their inside get happy and they open their petal to say they love too. Oh, how it hurt my skin to not hear Ada voice, to say to her how much I love her, to watch her grow. So many times I want to go her school but my legs not take me. I not want cause trouble.

  Angie walking quick to my house. Hayırdır inşallah, hope everything good! She come to porch crying and she hug me like Meryem when she have problem with children at school and I not know how to help her. I not understand teacher when she speak, not know what Meryem need.

  ‘What happen?’ Her back very skinny, have lots of bones. ‘Come inside. Hadi.’

  We sit on couch and I put water from jug on coffee table. ‘What’s wrong? Something happen to boys?’

  She shake head, she sip water, hold cup with good hand.

  ‘Oh. Thank Allah.’

  ‘I’m a bad mum, Mrs Aslan.’

  ‘You? No no no, you good, Angie. You heart beautiful. You love you children—’

  ‘Love’s not enough.’ She sip more water. ‘It’s not enough to try and protect them.’

  She speak true and it make my hand shake coz I think of past. ‘You don’t understand anything, Mum!’ Meryem scream to me how many time. ‘You don’t understand me!’ I try protect her more when her dad die but this make everything worse.

  ‘I’ve upset you,’ Angie say and wipe her cheeks. ‘I’m sorry, didn’t mean to—’

  ‘No, no, please, tell me why you upset.’ I wipe my face with tissue and hold her hand. ‘Hadi.’

  ‘Kane’s gone and robbed the school.’

  ‘What this mean, “rob”?’

  ‘Stealing, he took things from school that weren’t his!’ She blow her nose. ‘I just got back from a meeting with his coordinator. He’s done it before, stolen something small, a few paperclips. He got a warning and promised me he wouldn’t do it again. It’s not just his stealing; he has an attitude problem at school.’

  ‘“Attitude”, what this mean?’

  ‘He is rude to teachers, breaks rules, doesn’t listen. It’s like he’s two different people. I know he has a temper, you know, he gets angry and I don’t blame him, he has been through hell and that’s half my fault but I don’t want to lose him. He’s a good boy. He’s not like his father.’

  In her eyes there is love and fear.

  ‘Kane good, Angie, he have kind heart.’

  ‘Yes, and I know he took those things to help me—’

  ‘What he steal?’

  ‘Paper, paints, brushes, all for Sam so he can start art therapy. But that doesn’t make the stealing right. I was finding the money.’

  ‘Hmm. Kane growing, changing, he becoming man. You need to listen. I not listen. I not hear. I not understand my daughter because her world was different from me … but you have same language, you listen, Angie.’

  ‘What happened between you and Meryem?’

  ‘I … it long story. Things become hard when Mr Aslan die … I alone, she fourteen, upset, angry … she never happy with me. Always embarrass from me …’ My breathing hurt. ‘Anyway, this no important now. Tell me, what Kane’s teacher say?’

  She breathe deep. ‘They want to send him to an alternative program for the remainder of the term; they call it a Teaching Space. They wanted to wait until next term but I insisted he start straight away and they’ve made an exception for him. He starts next week. He’ll be there four days and go to his normal school for one day. He doesn’t want to go but it’s his last chance or they’ll expel … kick him out of school.’

  ‘Ouffff. This not good. But maybe this program be good for him.’

  ‘He has no other choice.’

  I touch her hand. ‘I make you nice Turkish coffee, we drink and think how we fix problem.’

  She smile. ‘Maybe you can read my coffee cup again? Tell me if that fish is swimming around. I need a job. The agency has nothing.’

  ‘The agency stupid. Tsk! You work hard!’

  ‘Do you think there might be something at your workplace?’

  I hug her. ‘You no worry, we find answer. I make you coffee sweet so we see sweet things in cup.’ I smile, go kitchen. I wish life this easy. I wish answers be in the bottom of coffee cup.

  Kane made Mum really mad today and she took away the paints he said he bought for me. She said they weren’t ours and we should never take something that belonged to others. I said it was all my fault coz I wouldn’t paint with Mrs Fuller at school and Mum said no baby, this has nothing to do with you, Kane should have known better. Kane looked away and Mum sent me outside to play but I listened from the porch.

  Kane punched the table and the spoon jiggled and Mum told him to stop i
t. He said he didn’t want to go to special school; it was for losers. He said he had better things to do, like get fit to protect us, wasn’t that enough?

  Kane is strong. Yesterday he took me to the park at the end of the street to show me how he was gonna get muscles. He lied on the grass and put his legs on the bench and did sit-ups till I counted to a hundred and sweat made circles on his T-shirt. I lied down next to him to try but my legs wouldn’t stay on the bench like his. Kane has brown hair on his legs but it isn’t long like Dad’s.

  Kane is the strongest brother in the world and now he’s in trouble coz of me. I wish I was a turtle so I could hide inside and never come out. Maybe then the bad things would stop and good things would happen. Kane wouldn’t get in trouble and Mum would be happier. Maybe Mr Bailey’s wife wouldn’t have died and Sunshine would come to visit.

  Kane was in his room. I took him hot milk with sugar coz he didn’t buy honey when he went to the shops. When I opened the door he was punching his bed. His face was red and sweaty. ‘Kane?’

  He stopped. ‘Hey, bud.’ His chest was moving very fast.

  ‘Are you still mad?’

  ‘Not anymore.’ He sat on the floor and crossed his legs. ‘Is that for me?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  He took the drink and sipped it. ‘Mmm. It’s yum. It’s good for my bones too. You’re a great trainer, bud, even better than Splinter. With your help my muscles will be bigger than this house.’

  I sat next to him. ‘I want muscles too so I can be a strong doctor and make people feel better.’

  He messed up my hair and sipped the milk. ‘You’ll be the best doctor. But you don’t need muscles for that. You make us feel better every day.’

  I put my head on his shoulder. ‘Mum said it’s bad to steal. Are you bad now?’

  He put the drink down. ‘Sometimes when we’ve got no choice we do shit that’s not good.’

  ‘Is that why Dad hits Mum?’

  His chest moved fast again and he put his hands on his face. ‘I don’t know, bud,’ he said and wiped his eyes. ‘But what Dad does to Mum, to us, is not okay. And as long as I’m here he’ll never hurt us.’

  He put his head on mine and his hand on my shoulder and it made me feel safe like we were floating away in the house in Up.

  My backpack was heavy and dug into my shoulder. I took it off and carried it down Grandma’s street. It was so stuffed it wouldn’t even close. I had to hold it upright and put my hand over the top like a peasant. I’d packed it in a hurry after Mum’s slap. She planted it on my face so hard I bit my cheek. The taste of blood made me feel queasy but nearly everything made me want to vomit after Julie’s party. The world spun for two days and I couldn’t get out of bed. My brain was dehydrated. ‘It’s scientifically proven that the brain shrinks when you are drunk.’ Ms Santos’ voice haunted me in and out of sleep. Judging by my headache, I didn’t think I had any brain cells left. When I came out of my half-coma on day three, Mum looked like she’d been crying for a week. Her nose and cheeks were red and used tissues were scattered all over the lounge.

  ‘What’s going on, Ada? I don’t understand.’

  I slumped on the couch, my head messed up. Words got stuck in my throat.

  ‘Are you … are you a lesbian, kızım?’

  She made the word lesbian sound filthy and it made my head scream. ‘I don’t know, okay? It was only a kiss.’

  ‘Is this healthy, what you are doing? I’m worried about you. A few weeks ago you were kissing a boy and now—’

  ‘So what? Is it against the law? Get off my back!’

  ‘I’m trying to understand—’

  ‘Don’t, okay? You should have tried with Dad but it’s too late for that.’

  ‘How dare you!’ She got up. Her top was crumpled and her grey pants had a coffee stain on them. ‘You know it wasn’t my fault. He chose someone else. What did you want me to do, beg him?’

  ‘You could have loved him.’ The words were like acid and I couldn’t stop. ‘Slept in the same bed with him. That’s why he left. I heard him say it! You didn’t have an issue sleeping with him before you were married!’

  ‘Shut your mouth!’ She slapped me then and the force of it paralysed me for a few seconds. She huffed and puffed like she’d run a marathon and covered her mouth with her hand but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything. Especially not Mum, who was about to faint when I ran past her after I packed my backpack. She didn’t try to stop me.

  It was getting dark and I carried my bag up Grandma’s porch. I stood in front of the door, not sure what to do. What if I wasn’t welcome? There was no way in hell I was going to Dad’s and putting up with his wife’s pity. Grandma’s was the only place Mum wouldn’t find me. If she bothered to look.

  I knocked on the door. There was shuffling and the outside light came on. Moths gathered over my head and I shooed them away. My heart raced and the door creaked open.

  ‘Heeee!’ Grandma half choked. ‘A … Ada?’ She waved her hands and tears filled her eyes. They were round just like Mum’s.

  ‘Hi, Grandma.’

  ‘Allahım …’ she whispered, looking towards the sky. ‘Allahım şükürler olsun!’ She opened her arms and pulled me towards her large breasts. ‘Ada!’

  She smelled the same, like detergent and rose oil, and I hugged her back. She kissed my face and wiped my tears and her fingers touched the tips of mine.

  A door slammed shut and she looked at the neighbour’s house. A guy with spiky hair walked outside with a rubbish bag.

  ‘Kane! Kane! This my torun, eh … my granddaughter!’

  He flicked his chin up and looked at me like I was trash. Who was he to look at me like that? He had no right to judge anybody, living in that dump!

  Grandma looked behind me. ‘Where … ahhh … you mum—’

  ‘I ran away from home.’

  Her face dropped and she put a hand on her chest. She opened the door wider, backing into the house. ‘Eh, hadi, gel içeri!’ she said. ‘Is cold!’

  ‘Mrs Aslan!’ A cute kid ran out of Kane’s house. He was barefoot and had fiery orange hair.

  ‘My Sam!’ Grandma poked her head outside, waving. ‘This my granddaughter, Ada!’

  He gave me a floppy wave and I smiled and waved back. ‘Nice to meet you, Sam.’ He watched us go inside. She closed the door and I walked down the hall of the house that Mum hated after Granddad died. His picture was on top of the TV. He had a thin moustache and a smile that made you want to smile back.

  A light bulb dangled from the ceiling, making the room orange.

  ‘Sit, sit,’ Grandma said, waving me towards the couch.

  The TV was on and Mum’s favourite dizi was playing in the background. Sultan Süleyman and Hürrem were hugging on screen. She wore a blue gown that shone in the candlelight. She seduced her way out of the harem and into his heart. She had the boobs and the smarts to do it. It made me happy to imagine Mum sitting all alone on the couch, having no one but these stupid dizis for company.

  I sat down as Hürrem kissed Süleyman goodbye and walked down a dark, dimly lit corridor.

  She have fire eyes like Meryem.

  They go small when she smile. My inside happy, my heart beat beat beat like butterfly but my words they not come out. My torun come to me after seven years and I not find one word! I want to hug her, to not let go, but my legs not move.

  ‘I ah …’ I scared. Maybe Ada hate me like Meryem and she here coz she desperate?

  ‘Is it okay if I stay here for a bit?’ She bite lip. She sit on couch and I sit opposite.

  ‘Tabii, kızım, this you home! Ahh … how you remember where I live? You small when you come here.’ My heart open with hope! Maybe Meryem bring Ada here one day, maybe like me, she want to talk, to say sorry but she not have courage to come to door—

  ‘I followed you that day you brought the börek …’

  I put hand on my face. ‘I … ah … I was sick, my blood pressure go down … or I wa
nt to stay but …’

  She put hand in her hair. It short, very messy but it not matter. This fashion now. She change so much. Her body become like woman.

  ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me at school?’

  I breathe deep, get tissue, wipe eyes. Try to explain to her. ‘I watch you from far. If I see you behind Meryem back, you mum get more angry. I didn’t want you and you mum to have trouble coz of me.’

  She laugh but it sound angry. ‘Mum’s crazy.’

  I sit on couch next to her and I scared coz I think maybe she not know Turkish? Maybe I never understand granddaughter properly with this too fast English?

  Ada hold my hand. ‘I don’t believe anything Mum’s said about you! She’s a liar.’

  ‘Don’t say this. She you mum.’ I not know how Meryem be as mum now, how she talk, hug, love. ‘Whatever she say she have good reason. I hurt her.’

  ‘I know, but she made mistakes, she hurt you too.’

  Yes. We make mistake but who make biggest one? Me or her? When Meryem eighteen, she sneak out of house and go to boyfriend. He Turkish. His mum catch her in bed with son. She call me and say is this how you teach daughter? Huh? To spread legs before marriage? I feel like someone throw ice on my body! This only few years after Mr Aslan die. I strict with Meryem coz I scared people will talk. We have no man in house and people have long tongue to gossip. Instead of giving support to Meryem, I be her enemy, force her to marry boy, force family to accept her, to save honour.

  ‘It’s okay.’ Ada hold my hand. Wipe my cheek.

  ‘How much you mum explain to you?’

  ‘Everything.’

  ‘Everything?’

  ‘Yeah, about Dad and sex—’

  ‘She very open. We not this open in past.’ My face go red but I not stop talking. Time change, world change. ‘Honour, shame, these very important words in past. I have no husband, Ada, people look to me like I dirty. People stupid. Cahil. I not know English word.’

  ‘Ignorant.’