Polar Reaction

by Claire Thompson

  Brendan smiled back uncertainly. “Let's just hope Tuck is on the same page."

  "If he isn't, it'll be up to you to put him there."

  Jamie climbed out of Brendan's car. They were parked in the parking lot of Tuck's apartment building, Jamie's motorcycle safely stowed in the U-Haul they'd rented for the purpose. They had left early that morning and driven straight through, stopping only to use the bathroom, stretch their legs and grab a sandwich for the road.

  Jamie had called Tuck around seven thirty that evening to see when Tuck would be returning to Monterey. When Tuck told him he'd come home early and had wondered where Jamie was, Jamie had almost told him. Instead he said only, “I'll be home by nine. I'll tell you everything then."

  "Are you okay, Jamie?” The warmth and concern in Tuck's voice nearly melted Jamie on the spot, but he'd only answered that he was fine and couldn't wait to see Tuck.

  "Well, I'm at my place right now,” Tuck informed him. “Want me to head over to Carmel?"

  Jamie said no. He wanted Tuck to stay where he was. It would be better that way, given what Jamie had planned. Please God, don't let me fuck this up. Don't let them fuck it up.

  Tuck had the door open before Jamie could get out his key. He took Jamie into his arms, not even bothering to close the door. They held each other close.

  "I was worried, Jamie.” Tuck spoke softly into Jamie's hair. “When you weren't at work and then I didn't hear from you..."

  "I'm sorry, Tuck. I never meant to make you worry. I didn't realize you'd come home. I—I had somewhere I had to go."

  "It's okay. As long as you're okay. As long as we're still okay.” Tuck stepped back to look at him. Jamie saw the question in his dark, brooding eyes.

  "Oh, Tuck. We're definitely okay. We're better than okay."

  Tuck let out a deep breath. Jamie could feel his relief and felt bad for having made him worry.

  Jamie turned to shut the door behind him.

  "So are you going to tell me where you were?” Tuck's voice was light but Jamie sensed the tension still lingering.

  "I went to see Brendan."

  Tuck stared at him, a play of emotions washing over his face. Scowling, he demanded, “You what? Without me? Behind my back?"

  "Without you, yeah. Behind your back, no. I realized I had to see him alone. It wasn't something I'd planned out beforehand, but when you left it just came to me it was what I had to do."

  "Okay.” Tuck said the word slowly, clearly still trying to work through just what was going on. He walked toward a chair and sank into it, crossing his arms protectively over his chest.

  After hours in the car, Jamie didn't feel like sitting down. He paced in front of Tuck, determined to say what he had to say. “I love you, Tuck."

  Tuck tilted his head at this apparent non sequitur. “What?"

  "I said, I love you. I've never said it before. I wanted you to know that in no uncertain terms."

  Tuck frowned. “Sure you have. We say it every day."

  "No we don't. We say, ‘love you’ when we're saying goodbye. That's different."

  "I guess you're right."

  Jamie waited a beat, expecting, hoping Tuck would say it in return. Instead Tuck demanded, “Is this to do with Brendan? Did something happen I should know about? Don't fuck with me on this, Jamie. I swear to God."

  Now it was Jamie's turn to frown. This wasn't going how he expected. He tried again. “I'm not trying to fuck with you. Yes, something happened you should know about. But not the way you mean. I didn't go there with the intention of seducing him behind your back, or anything like that."

  Tuck gripped the arms of his chair and leaned forward, speaking earnestly. “I'm just confused, I guess, about why you felt you had to see Brendan without including me. I would have gone with you. Shit, I'm the one who wanted to contact him and you said to let it go."

  "You're right. This wasn't a premeditated thing.” Jamie paused, aware of the reproach in Tuck's words, trying to frame his thoughts. “Listen, what happened between us when we were stranded, it wasn't just about you and Brendan, or for that matter you and me. Maybe it started out that way, but it became about the three of us.

  "That said, it was always you in the middle. You were the driving force, the attraction that held Brendan and me together. I mean, face it. If it had been just Brendan and me stuck there, no way would this have happened. I never could have penetrated his het reserve. I wouldn't have had the nerve to even try.

  "And since we've been back, you've been the one pining for him. I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean, you're the one who couldn't let him go, who kept your love for him alive in your heart, while I was the supposedly sage one dispensing the wise advice to let him go."

  Tuck started to respond but Jamie cut him off, eager to get it all out there. “I was lying to myself, Tuck. I was lying to you. I hadn't let him go either. I'd only tried to push him out of my heart because I was afraid of what it might mean for you and me. I was afraid if he came back onto the scene, the dynamic would shift again from us to you and him, with me relegated to the sidelines.” He paused but forced himself to continue. “I guess I wanted you all to myself."

  "So what made you change your mind? Why not just let his memory die a natural death?"

  "You being gone. I had time to think. I realized I had to see him, face-to-face. At first I thought I was just going there to give him a piece of my mind. To demand who the fuck he thought he was to just disappear after what we'd shared. But when I got there, when I actually saw him, I realized I was fooling myself. I realized I was as in love with him as you are."

  "You saw him...” Tuck's voice was wistful and filled with longing.

  Jamie's heart constricted, a lingering fear of what he might be setting himself up for flaring again. He pushed it away, determined to move forward with his plan. If Tuck craved Brendan over him, it was better to know now and cut his losses, however much it hurt.

  He drew a deep breath and plunged on. “He's still in love with you, Tuck. He might be in love with me too. It's hard to know what he's really feeling and thinking at this point. But we definitely connected. I got some insight into him, into what makes him tick. He's been working through some pretty intense stuff about himself and who he is—you know, the kind of stuff most of us figure out in our teens or early twenties. Seems like he's just now getting to it."

  "So what now? So you connected, that's great. You say he's in love with us, both of us. We love him, but he's a thousand miles away. Where do we go from here?"

  Jamie closed his eyes, praying Tuck would be cool with what he was about to say. “He's here, Tuck. I brought him home with me. He's waiting to see you."

  Color rose in Tuck's cheeks and he sat up straight, his hands clenched at his sides. “He's here? Now? Jamie, why didn't you tell me?"

  "I wanted you to know first that I'd been there. That we'd connected on our own. That Brendan and I love each other, not because of you, or in spite of you, but as a part of what the three of us share. Or what we could share if we made the commitment."

  Tuck was standing, pacing now as nervously as Jamie had been a moment before. “He's here? Where is he? Is he in the lobby? Don't tell me you made him wait on the back of your motorcycle."

  "No, we drove down in his car, actually. We towed the motorcycle. He's down there probably going nuts by now. I didn't just want to spring him on you, unannounced."

  Tuck looked so nervous it would have been comical if the stakes weren't so high. Jamie moved toward him and took him into his arms. Tuck stood rather stiffly though at least he didn't pull away. Jamie kissed him lightly on the lips and dropped his arms, stepping back. “I did this for us, Tuck. Please say you understand."

  He held his breath, part of him wishing he'd never gone to Seattle, though he knew in his heart he would do it again. Finally Tuck spoke. “Jamie. I love you too. Don't ever doubt it. And thank you. Thanks for doing what I should have done."

  Jamie felt weak with re
lief. “I knew you'd understand.” He opened his arms and this time Tuck stepped into them, wrapping him in a tight embrace. Jamie disengaged this time, worried now about how Brendan must be feeling alone in the car. “He's waiting. Let me go get him. It'll be better that way."

  Tuck looked down at himself, stroked his stubbled cheek and ran his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, okay. Yeah.” He was wearing a rumpled button-down shirt and a pair of denim shorts, his long, muscular legs bare.

  Jamie laughed. “Don't worry, you look gorgeous. Touch of lipstick maybe, and you're good to go."

  "Ha ha. Get out of here."

  Jamie left the apartment, his heart tapping with nervous anticipation. Whatever happened next, it would be up to Tuck and Brendan.

  Tuck changed from shorts to jeans, mainly for something to do. It should have been me. I should have been the one to go to him. And yet he hadn't. He could claim it was because Jamie had been so convincing that they should let it go, but he'd be lying to himself. Jamie hadn't even been in the picture the first time Tuck had let Brendan slip away.

  After they'd connected that first time during the Blue Glacier Project, he'd sent a few oblique half-hearted emails, hinting at his longing without ever coming out directly and telling Brendan the truth about his feelings.

  When he'd had the great good luck of landing the polar research assignment, he'd blown it yet again, and would have lost Brendan for good if it hadn't been for the blizzard. It had taken Jamie, the youngest in years but perhaps the wisest or at least the most honest of the three, to confront Brendan and, hopefully, bring him back into their circle of love.

  There was a soft knock at the door. He moved toward it, wondering why Jamie would bother to knock. His heart was beating too fast, his mind still trying to process the fact he was going to see Brendan in the flesh after two months of dreaming and missing him.

  He opened the door and there Brendan stood, his blond, wavy hair flopping forward and curling over his ears, his gray green eyes wide. He was wearing a dark blue T-shirt beneath a khaki jacket, straight-legged black denim jeans hugging his legs and the sexy bulge at his crotch.

  Tuck's heart skipped a beat and then began a strong, steady thrum. He took a deep breath. “Brendan. Hi."

  "Hi.” Brendan stood uncertainly. Tuck wanted to move forward and take him into his arms, but for some reason his feet were rooted to the ground.

  Jamie would break the ice. Jamie would put them both at ease. Tuck peered around Brendan. “Where's Jamie?"

  "He, uh, he sent me up here alone.” Brendan looked sheepish and more anxious than ever. “Can I, uh, come in?"

  Alone. What the hell? How could Jamie abandon him at a time like this? He needed Jamie's moral support. He needed his wry sense of humor to get them over the initial awkward stage.

  Then it occurred to him what a show of trust it had been on Jamie's part to leave the two of them alone, without trying to insert himself into their reunion in any way. He knew Tuck's strong feelings for Brendan. He knew the risk he was taking. Love welled up like a bright, hot fire, warming Tuck's heart. He stepped back, gesturing Brendan into the room.

  Brendan entered and looked around the living room. Terracotta tile floors were scattered with brightly woven throw rugs. The sofa and two matching chairs were made from cherry wood and upholstered with overstuffed cushions of bright yellow. “This place is so you. Bright and colorful and full of light."

  "Thanks.” What was wrong with him? Brendan was here in the flesh at last. Why wasn't he grabbing him, kissing him, pushing him to the ground and tearing off his clothing? The man of his dreams had finally materialized like magic from the ether, and he couldn't seem to do anything but stare.

  "I'm glad to see you, Tuck.” Brendan spoke softly, not quite meeting Tuck's eye. Tuck opened his mouth to answer in kind but no words came. Brendan shifted, looking miserable. “Aren't you glad to see me?"

  Suddenly Tuck realized what his problem was. He was pissed off. He was furious! He swallowed, trying to get a grip on his feelings. “To tell you the truth, I don't know what I am. I've been thinking about this moment, or something like it, for so long, I guess it just doesn't seem real. I mean, here you are. Hurrah. Jamie tells me you've seen the light. Admitted your sexual feelings for other men, accepted who you are at last, blah blah."

  Brendan frowned, a line of consternation appearing between his eyes. “Blah, blah? Is that what this is to you, just a big bore? Do you have any idea the personal demons I've been grappling with over all this shit?"

  "Of course I do. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed. It took you two months to get here, and you wouldn't be here now if it weren't for Jamie, am I right? You'd still be sitting alone in your house in Seattle, wrestling with your demons and feeling sorry for yourself, while the two guys who fell in love with you tried to get over you as best they could. While they tried to reconcile the man they'd come to know over those few amazing, wonderful days with the closed-off, repressed jerk on the phone who claimed none of it mattered, none of it was real. Just a passing perversion shared by desperate men in desperate times. We were just supposed to accept that and go on with our lives, forgetting you ever existed."

  Brendan sat down heavily in a chair and stared at the floor. Tuck sat opposite him, aware he was being horrible, wishing he could undo it and start over. Brendan looked up slowly. His face was pale, his expression stricken.

  "You're right. About everything you said. I tried to deny it, both the import of what we'd shared, and my own feelings about it. I was a coward and a jackass. And it didn't just affect you. Because of my inability to face some truths, my ex-girlfriend got dragged back into things and I hurt her all over again.

  "I guess what they say is true—sometimes you have to smack up against a brick wall before you can admit it's time to change or die. For me the death was an emotional one. It's taken me this long to figure out I was killing myself by shutting off my true feelings and desires.

  "I've come to realize I've spent a lifetime ignoring whole chunks of myself. If feelings didn't fit in with my carefully constructed view of the world and my place in it, I just shut them down. I don't have anyone or anything to blame, unless you can blame a whole society and the way men are taught to look at and approach the world."

  Tuck thought one could indeed blame society for precisely that defect, but he said nothing, aware Brendan needed to talk without interruption. While he had had Jamie to work things through with over the last two months, he could only imagine how alone the self-contained Brendan must have felt.

  Brendan continued. “When we connected last summer, I knew there was something there. I knew it was more than just a spontaneous friendship between colleagues. Even then, though I could barely admit it to myself, much less anyone else, I had fallen for you. Then I got scared of my feelings and shut them down. Even so, when I saw you on the roster of research candidates for the polar project, my heart leapt.

  "But then during the project I reverted to my usual mindless, soulless M.O. I shut down and focused on work, telling myself the situation wasn't conducive to exploring any unresolved feelings I might have toward you. So I let it go. You and Jamie somehow broke through the barriers when we were stranded, but as soon as we were rescued, the old walls rose again, hemming me in.

  "I'm not sure if I would have found the courage to reach out to you and Jamie again, but then Jamie just appeared, like in a fairytale where if you wish hard enough, your dreams come true. I was at a point where I was finally ready to admit some hard truths and then, there he was, holding out his hand to me, offering me another chance."

  Brendan stood and stepped forward, reaching out his hand to Tuck. “I have no right to ask, but will you give me that chance as well? Let me try again? This time I won't walk away, Tuck, unless you want me to. I understand now what I gave up. It wasn't just your love, but a chance to finally be myself."

  Tuck's heart seemed to expand, pressing against the confines of his chest. He took Brendan's offered ha
nd, allowing the other man to pull him up. They moved into each other's arms and held one another tight. Tuck inhaled the other man's scent, reveling in his closeness, awe falling over him and washing away any remaining anger.

  They kissed, tentatively at first, then with more conviction, finally with a kind of desperation. Tuck pushed at Brendan's jacket and Brendan shrugged out of it, letting it fall.

  They sank together to the sofa, pulling at each other's clothing, their mouths hungrily seeking each other. “Tuck.” Brendan managed to infuse the word with such meaning—anguish, regret, longing, desire. He tugged hard at Tuck's shirt, jerking it open in a spray of buttons. “Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

  Tuck put his fingers to Brendan's lips. “It doesn't matter.” He reached for the hem of Brendan's shirt, dragging it up over his head. They sat bare-chested, face-to-face, drinking each other in.

  Brendan shook his tousled hair from his eyes. “I'm sorry, Tuck. For everything."

  "I know,” Tuck whispered. “But you're here now. Kiss me again.” It felt so right to hold Brendan, to taste him, to feel the press of his bone-hard erection. If only Jamie were there to share it with them. Jamie. Where was Jamie now? Tuck eased away from Brendan's kiss and stood, suddenly longing for Jamie with an almost physical ache.

  "Where's Jamie? He's not still down in the car, is he?"

  "No. He went home. Back to his place in Carmel. Said he was going to shower and rest."

  "Did he say we should come over?"

  "He didn't say. I think he was leaving it to us."

  They looked at each other. No discussion was needed. Tuck read Brendan's feelings on his face and was sure his were just as transparent. Of one accord, they stood. Brendan reached for his shirt.

  "I'll be right back.” Tuck hurried to his bedroom to grab a fresh shirt. He returned to the living room, pulling it over his head. “I picked a T-shirt this time, just in case you can't control yourself again."

  Brendan grinned. “Sorry. It's your fault for being so fucking hot."