She-Wolf I

by Gaëlle Bonnassieux

  “Let me rephrase that: what would you like to eat? Pizza? Seafood? Meat?”

  “I like everything,” I answered truthfully. “But I haven’t had seafood in a decade, so…”

  “Copy that! C’est parti!” Esthelle interrupted me.

  She grabbed us by the arm and dragged us alongside her. That unpredicted contact made the wolf irk, and I suddenly growled and let myself free. Whether I had vexed the young witch or not was of no importance to me: I didn’t like being surprised or touched. For my brain, physical contact was associated with violence. Roughly every time I had been touched, I had been hit. Obviously, that feeling had increased over my weeks in the street, and I needed to work on it. I couldn’t let myself jump at the throat of anyone who would hug me to say hello. Well, I could, but it would be a little bit too extra now wouldn’t it?

  Esthelle opened her eyes wide, but she was more surprised than scared. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I just… I don’t like to be touched, sorry,” I explained.

  “Oh yeah? What do you mean? You won’t like it if I do this?” She tapped on my arm with her finger for a good twenty seconds before I gave in and stepped away growling.

  “No, I don’t like it. Don’t ever do it again.”

  “All right. But let’s say I have to touch you for some important reason, like imagine you’ve lost a finger and I have to sew it back. Would it be ok for me to touch you or will you rip my head off?”

  Adélie’s tinkling laugh burst next to me, while I was staring at Esthelle with a look of mixed stupor and amusement. Stupidest question I had ever heard, truly.

  “Well, I’ll think about it so we’ll be ready when I lose a limb.” I answered.

  “It could happen anytime soon, imagine we’re at the restaurant and a waiter drops his huge butcher knife onto your hand, bam! No more arm.”

  “Nope, just no more hand,” I sighed smilingly. “But it is very unlikely something like that will ever happen so stop your bizarre thoughts and go and see which restaurants serve seafood.”

  “Yes ma’am!” And off she pranced.

  I immediately blamed myself for my stiff answer, even though she apparently didn’t take it the wrong way. But still, damn it. She was not mean at all, and she had even managed to make me smile. I hoped she would not hold it against me. I wasn’t exactly known for my tactfulness, and it often was a problem.

  Adélie realized that I was concerned and came up to me.“Don’t worry, it’s fine. Esthelle sometimes needs to be pulled back into line and you did so in the best way possible. We understand that your wolf self is not a fan of orders and authority, even though we witches would be more wont to take it the fun way rather than get angry. So, you definitely don’t need to worry.”

  “I get it. I’m sorry, I have some behavior issues I need to get through.”

  “Don’t apologize, it’s totally normal for you to be on edge. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to lose one’s pack, but I can probably guess that it’s not the funniest part of one’s life. You may not realize it yet, but I think you’re doing great.”

  “You haven’t seen me before our first encounter. I was a mess.”

  She kept quiet. I could see Esthelle in the distance waving and gesturing to tell us she’d found a restaurant. Adélie went towards her, and I followed. “Can I ask you a question?” she suddenly said.

  “You just did. But you may ask one more.”

  A smile took shape on her face. I liked speaking with her. She was all about calmness and serenity, unlike her sister. She’d always talk in this very serene voice; her gestures were never sudden and the look in her eyes was pragmatic. Maybe it was all due to her being older. I found her to be trustworthy, yet I dreaded the question she was about to ask me.

  “Were you happy, in your pack? Do you regret it? What did you do to get banished?”

  “I said only one more.”

  “Right, sorry. I’m just curious as to find out the reasons fate led you to us. You don’t have to answer.”

  For a moment, I didn’t. Her questions were totally appropriate, and deep down, I knew one of the witches would ask them, but I’d always hoped they wouldn’t. Because I wouldn’t be ready to answer, it was too soon, the wound was not totally closed yet. But Adélie deserved to know. She’d given me a job, a roof, company and comfort; the least I could do was to give her answers, even though it meant exposing the wound again.

  “I was not happy. I was just trying to survive,” I began with a lump in my throat, “and to forget all the bad sides of my life. If I was cast away, that was because my alpha didn’t like my mingling with other species, and especially because I’d always deny his authority as long as I possibly could. And even more importantly, I am a woman. Lots of lycanthropes think of women as mere birthing machines and maids. I wasn’t allowed to give my opinion, to go out whenever I wanted to, or to be friends with shapeshifters or vampires…” I paused for a second not to get overwhelmed and sighed. “I don’t regret not having a pack anymore. I mean it’s tough and I still have trouble getting accustomed to the solitude my mind feels, but I’d rather bear it than receive any mistreatment. What’s painful is that I couldn’t take those I loved with me. My grandmother and two teenagers are still down there, and I haven’t heard from them since I was forced out. They might even be dead by now; they were probably killed for helping me escape…”

  Adélie’s wrinkle-free face was all about shock. She wasn’t expecting this. Yeah, well, I wasn’t expecting this life either. Yet I’d gone through it, she could survive my answer.

  We walked a few seconds in the midst of the ambient babel. Esthelle was already sitting at a table and seemed hypnotized by the menu. No time to spare right? That was some girl. Lola and her might have gotten along just fine. Adélie grazed my forearm and I jolted. I stopped walking and she took her hand off me. Dear me, she’d just wanted to comfort me. I definitely had a screw loose.

  “I’m so very sad to hear it. I haven’t met neither your grandmother nor your young friends, but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that they’re probably as brave as you. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, they’ll manage. And I’m positive they’re not dead.”

  I nodded along. I neither could nor would speak. She knew what to say to comfort others. Obviously, I wasn’t naïve enough to believe her or to hope that my friends and family were still alive, but I was grateful to her for motivating me to keep faith. Hell yeah, they were brave. They would never let themselves be pushed around, and William wasn’t cruel enough to kill kids. I had to have hope, otherwise I’d go insane. Adélie had allowed that fragile seed of hope to grow. I was lucky to have found her, and Esthelle, too. Her mischief, wit and fiery temper were lifting my spirits. And would you believe that when we finally got to the restaurant and the waiter had seated us, she nearly threw the menu at us and said loudly: “Come on ladies, I’m starving, so pick something to eat!”

  Rolling my eyes at her, I took a peak at the menu. There was so much choice! Mussels and French fries, salmon and wild rice, catfish and vegetables; it looked way too refined for a beach-restaurant. Adélie encouraged me to take more than just one dish, so I decided to go with the mussels and fries, as well as lobster and oysters. I binged on the peanuts while waiting even though I was not especially hungry. I needed to find my old body back and make for that time I spent eating garbage.

  “Madelyne?” Adélie called out.

  “You can call me Maddie.”

  “Alrighty then, Maddie?” she said smiling.

  “Adélie?”

  “Esthelle?” Esthelle said.

  We both looked at her face, half in earnest, half in jest, and we all burst into laughter. My abs were going to be stiff, but it wouldn’t do them any harm. That’s right folks, you gotta be pragmatic.

  “You’ve mentioned that you’ve been bonding with other species. What do you mean exactly?”

  “Wow, she said that? How cool!” Esthelle said, sipping her Dr.
Pepper.

  “Well…” was the only answer I could think of. I had never talked to anyone about it, aside from Lola and Danny. Even my grandmother, who knew I was all for diversity, wasn't aware of my plans. They felt nice in my head, but maybe saying them out loud would make me look like a crazy person. Oh, what the hell. “Well, I have this insane idea to call a truce between all species. There aren’t any actual fights, but prejudices still govern most supernatural beings for no reason, just because our ancestors hated each other centuries ago. I mean, it’s such a shame, and I’d like to take a deeper interest in vampires, witches, shapeshifters, sirens and even succubus and incubuses. We should create alliances and meet each other halfway instead of sinking into pointless hostilities.”

  “Wow, nice speech! Maddie president!” Esthelle cheered up tapping her fork against her glass.

  The jingling hurt my ears, and I took the fork from her. “Stop it! I have a sensitive hearing.”

  “Sorry,” she snickered as I gave her her fork back.

  The waiter then set foot with the dishes into our happy atmosphere, and he laid everything on the table, which rapidly became too small. My stomach made a noise which I translated by “FOOOOD!”. I started with the oysters. I had eaten some on rare occasions and I was fond of those. The salted flavor felt good on my tongue, I had this feeling I was swallowing the tears I could not shed. Milo would have been proud of my improving poetic skills.

  “It’s a very inspiring idea,” Adélie said, eating her salmon. “If it’s fine by you and we were to become more closely acquainted, I’d like to take part in that beautiful plan of yours.” I nearly choked on my oyster. Did I hear that right? I stared at the witch, she was eating peacefully and seemed bewildered by her plate. She finally looked up and when she realized I was staring; she arched her brow. “Is there something wrong?”

  “Hum, well, no. But I just don’t know how you might get involved in what is barely a first draft in my head.”

  “Why, I don’t know either. But I’m sure I’ll find a way,” she smiled.

  I nodded along, unconvinced. What I’d just said was a mere sketch and there was no away I could make it happen at present nor ever, perhaps, but if she wanted to take part in it, I didn’t mind.

  The meal went on, the sisters talked on, and I listened. And to think that I used to be chatty. In the end, all bad habits can be stopped. But I was counting on getting this one back. I loved to talk and even if I wasn’t as feisty as before, I was convinced I could be so again.

  When my plates were finally empty, I felt good, and the lunch slowly ended. I had taken my time to eat because otherwise it would have been dangerous, considering how little I had eaten in a few weeks’ time. My stomach was full but not on the verge of explosion. The empty oysters laid on the plate, and their pearly shells were glimmering thanks to the sunrays. The lobster was dead, dismembered and empty; his dull eyes were staring at the sky. Esthelle was fiddling with her straw and Adélie was answering text messages. The warm air was dozing me off, the far shouts of the bathers sounded like a lullaby.

  “Shall we go for a swim?” Esthelle suddenly cried.

  Her sister and I exchanged looks and realized neither of us wanted to go take a dip. Yet it didn’t stop us from paying the bill – well, it didn’t stop Adélie – and go and sit on the sand. Esthelle immediately took off her clothes and ran to the ocean. I laid down on the beach towel the witches had kindly lend me and acknowledged that being here wasn’t so bad after all. Granted, I was still craving something I would never get back, but the ocean was comforting. It was full of good memories, and my parents wouldn’t have wanted me to avoid going there on purpose.

  Adélie was reading a book by my side and I didn’t want to disturb her. I had nothing to say anyway. My thoughts drifted towards Lola and Danny. If they were okay, what might they be doing right now? I felt so guilty for having the luxury to bask in the sun while they did not. I mean, I hadn’t done anything wrong and I couldn’t have taken them with me but knowing them back there with those misogynist psychopaths gave me the creeps. Lola’s life must have become a living hell, and Danny being the alpha’s brother, he must definitely not be living on the fat of the land.

  And what about Milo? Was he concerned about my absence? And my blond, angelic and narcissist Bridget? I was haunted by our promises of hope to see each other again, she had undoubtedly noticed I was gone. What did she make of it? Her temper considered, she might have had the nerve to barge into our territory and kick up a fuss, and I hoped nothing had happened to her too. Unexpected people suddenly come into your life and change it for the better: Bridget was one of those people to me. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again, but she will always be the happiest encounter of mine. My light, my hope.

  I was slumbering in the sun, and the hours passed by. I would suddenly wake up from time to time because of Esthelle, who’d wet me by her constant to-ing and fro-ing from the ocean to her towel; and the wolf’s whiff which’d tickle my nose as the wind blew. I didn’t know what he was still doing here, hiding from me, but it was all starting to annoy the hell out of me. I wasn’t known for my patience. Yet I waited. I didn’t know what I was waiting for but I would get to the bottom of it. I was not in a hurry nor in danger so no need to rush though. If Mr Smith wanted to play it incognito, fine by me. I didn’t want to give myself grief, this day was the closest I’d ever come to perfection.

  “Maddie!” Esthelle shouted, shading me from the sun. “Don’t you wanna come with us? You’ll end up like the lobster you ate if you keep dozing in the sun.”

  “Nope,” I adamantly answered. I wasn’t afraid of becoming lobster red because I knew I never would. Unlike the white folk, my honey skin was easily tanned, and the other pack girls were often jealous of my summer suntan.

  “Oh come ooon!” she insisted. “If you do come, I’ll get you some ice-cream…”

  I opened my eyes but nearly lost them because of the violent light the later afternoon still offered. Ice-cream was the magical word. After all, no harm could come from a little splashing about. “Deal,” I accepted, straightening up.

  I took off my shorts and my tank top. I used to feel no shame about being in a swimsuit or totally naked because as a werewolf, I’d been taught that nudity was a part of our lives and that we ought not to mind it. According to me, a human body was just like any other human body, there was nothing vulgar about that. And besides, I used to be this total babe, so there was no way I wouldn’t share it with the world. But right now, showing my body in front of hundreds of people doing the same felt uncomfortable. I was lean, and I didn’t like it.

  I tried to get over it and followed Esthelle back into the water. It was a bit chilly but pleasant. The salt tickled my nose and reminded me of my childhood. I could see myself in my mother’s arms learning how to swim, or in my father’s, who would throw me into the water. I was peaceful.

  But Esthelle’s splashing Adélie and I brought me back to the present time. My parents were gone, the witches had taken their place. And in a way, I was glad of it. I growled against Esthelle before I splashed her in return. It quickly turned into a world war, and it ended in laughter. We stayed in the water for a long time until the day waned. The sun was setting and produced a duet of blended reds and blues that we contemplated in bewilderment. Milo would have loved it; maybe he was gazing at it as well and we were somehow sharing this moment together – at least I hoped so.

  The day ended beautifully, and we laughingly got out of the water as the sun was falling deeply into it and the moon got up in the most beautiful starry sky. It was time for Adélie to have her fun of the day, and she dragged us into her favorite restaurant whose lasagnas were the best of all Italian restaurants on the planet. I had never eaten anything so good and so fast while reminiscing happily about the day. Esthelle offered me the ice-cream she’d promised in exchange of my going in the water. Once we arrived back to the house, I thought smilingly that it seemed to have been waiting for
us with her ever chiming carillons and the plant leaves blowing in the night breeze.

  And suddenly, it felt like home. The chiming was hurting my ears, but it was part of the charm. It gave life to the house and a sort of signature to it. In the hallway, I hesitated for a second before clumsily hugging the witches. It was awkward, I seemed to have forgotten how to do such a simple thing, but it felt nice. “Thank you so much for today. It was quite perfect.”

  Esthelle was apparently caught on the hop and pat my shoulder rather clumsily too. “Well, hum. You’re welcome. But could you let us go? This is embarrassing.”

  I smiled and granted her request, but Adélie glowingly and more comfortably hugged me back. Happiness was all she wanted. “Not at all dearest, it was our pleasure.”

  “I’m gonna go to sleep, I’m exhausted. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

  “Good night,” they answered in unison.

  I climbed into my dark and cozy cave and locked the door behind me, which did not prevent me from hearing the girls in the living-room talking about me and the day we had. So cute. I smiled when I wondered whether they were aware of my hearing their every compliment or concern. I should give them a lesson or two about how werewolves work.

  I took off my clothes and went into the bathroom for a long and hot shower. It may sound weird, but I loved taking showers. Obviously because I could clean my body but mostly because there wasn’t anyone to pull me out of it anymore. “In your face Willy! I shower for hours and there’s nothing that you can do about it.” I scolded.

  You have to enjoy the little pleasures life has to offer while you can. I wiped the little mirror off the vapor and looked at my face. There was still work to be done and I was still ugly, but at least I had some lively colors. My peaky mien was more tanned, and so was most of my body. First step towards my former body, complete. Next one, more pounds, and final one, smiles, and then Bob’s your uncle.