She-Wolf I

by Gaëlle Bonnassieux

  “Esthelle? Could you lend me your scarf, please?” I asked, hoping she wouldn’t ask any questions.

  “Sure. There you go,” she answered, handing it over.

  Even if I had wished she wouldn’t ask questions, her total lack of interest amazed me. I loved her. Unlike Milo, she wasn’t the harassing kind. At this point, I knew who to go to the next time I needed a shady favor. But I definitely wouldn’t ask her to keep a secret for me. Everyone had their flaws and skills. The little witch liked to gossip, and she was unable to hold her tongue, so she wasn’t the one you should open up to, secret-wise.

  The minutes were passing by so fast I hurried out. He had written “behind the diner” but what did he mean exactly? We probably didn’t picture it the same way. Come on, I was giving myself too much grief. I did go behind it though and looked around: the place was really out in the open, and it didn’t feel like the best spot for a meeting like ours. I walked around and discovered a little alleyway which connected the diner to the neighboring one, in which I went. From where I stood, I could see nothing but the end of the tunnel, and no one could see me either, unless they were to venture in the alley. It was a good camouflage, and it seemed perfect: if the meeting was to turn into a fight, or if he killed me, it would all go down away from prying eyes.

  I had been a smartass before about all that trust stuff, but now that I found myself standing in the middle of a squalid alleyway while waiting for a somewhat insane werewolf, I was less confident. I fiddled with the scarf hesitatingly. Did I really want to court disaster? Was I actually this reckless? And to think that he might be watching me this very second… How distressful was that? I was nuts, that was the explanation for it.

  No, but seriously. I wasn’t actually going to blindfold myself willingly and wait for death quietly? I guess I was. I folded the scarf to turn it into a blindfold while my stomach had more knots than it ever had. I tied the scarf around my head and placed it on my eyes. Then I waited. Me and my senses in turmoil waited in the dark of the alley.

  Chapter 12

  The minutes were stringing out. I stood motionless. Since I couldn’t see, my other senses were sharpening increasingly. I could hear the sounds of the town in a miles’ radius: the footsteps of the passers-by, their laughs and their fears and their cries, the honks of the cars and their engines, the chirping of the birds and the gusts of wind brushing the window stores and the tree leaves… Everything was penetrating my ears and being processed by my brain which was completely all over the place. The scents were invasive and tickled my nostrils. There were thousands of them: the humans’ fragrances, flowers, food, and the lycanthrope’s — deeper, stronger, woody and masculine, with a hint of bitterness. I could feel the wind on my skin, and I was quivering at its continuous strokes. I was deeply aware of my dress brushing against my thighs and fluttering in the wind, as well as everything else around me. I was on the lookout.

  All of a sudden, the wolf’s whiff filled the air around me. I didn’t hear him coming, I rather felt him. He was there. Right behind me. I could hear his breathing and detect the hundred scents he bore, including the detergent and pine ones his clothes contained. But besides those details, what I perceived the most was his desire, both gentle and violent, impatient and dormant. I was quite shaken up about it. Because I was feeling the exact same thing. That ridiculous need to jump on him and feel his arms holding me tight with mixed strength and softness, this growing fervor to discover him and make him mine even though modesty and seemliness wouldn’t let that happen… We were the same. What was happening to me? I wasn’t thinking straight. I wasn’t thinking at all actually, I was disconnected.

  We stayed like this for what felt like forever, each of us seeming to relish in the emotions of the other. I didn’t know who he was or what he looked like or anything about his past but deep down, I had this extraordinary feeling that I already knew him and belonged to him. And that he belonged to me too. It was indescribable, unspeakable and nearly unbearable.

  “Who are you?” I eventually murmured because I couldn’t speak any louder – it was as if strength had deserted my body.

  “My name is Johan,” he said a good minute later. His voice! I was on the verge of collapsing. It was grave, smooth, as soft as a whisper yet confident and authoritative, the perfect balance. My heart and my soul vibrated. I wished he never stopped talking so I could drown in his words and his voice, which gave away the powerful aura that was surrounding him.

  “You’re an alpha,” I pointed out.

  “Yes,” he whispered softly.

  I heard and felt him moving. My muscles were drawn taut, just in case this might be an act of aggression, but I doubted it. He now stood in front of me, and very closely. He ought to be only a few inches away because I could feel the warmth his body gave off. My pulse was racing. I was very hot. This was all freakishly weird. I hadn’t forgotten about my myriad questions and my anger was still there but at this point, I only cared about his presence, and I couldn’t care less about anything else. This moment was so magical and sacred that I already dreaded the moment Johan would have to leave…

  “What the hell is going on?” I asked in spite of it all because I needed answers.

  He didn’t answer. I could feel his gaze upon me, even when I was momentarily blind. He was examining me, contemplating me, scrutinizing me; we were surrounded by this cocoon of lust. That was too much. I just needed him to talk and explain what was going on with us. No matter what it was, I trusted him, I was ready to hear anything. So why was he withdrawing into silence?

  “Why are you following me? Why are you leaving me coded messages? Why do you vouch to bring me my friends back? Why do I have to keep that damn scarf on my eyes? What’s the point of all this?”

  “There’s no point,” he just said.

  Frustration invaded me. Yet my hazy thoughts cleared up. Did he make me come here just to answer my questions with monosyllabic words, thus pissing me off even more? Did he want me to lose it? I could get both insane and angry. My patience was growing thin by the seconds. I was this close to take off the scarf and go bananas. He was an alpha? I didn’t give a tiny rat’s ass. It wouldn’t stop me from throwing a hissy fit.

  “I need you to think straight, Madelyne,” he whispered.

  “What… What’s that supposed to mean?” I stuttered.

  The way he had uttered my name was deeply troubling. If I could make a wish to an evil genie passing by, I would have wished Johan to say my name endlessly the way he just did. Unfortunately, there was no lamp lying around. Those damn genies. Never here when you need them!

  “It’s supposed to mean that you ought to see things clearly. At least one of us should behave properly.”

  “Well you got the wrong guy. I can’t do anything right when it comes to you, and I…” I bit my tongue to stop talking. I had already said too much; I was the stupidest person on earth. I felt him smile. That was hard to describe, but I was absolutely sure he was smiling. I was about to throw the best punchline ever when his fingertips grazed a lock of my hair. I was paralyzed and weak. That feeling was just so powerful, and unexpected, and unfathomable.

  He uttered an enraptured sigh, and I sighed too. “I want to touch you so much…” he confessed as if ashamed.

  “Do it,” I retorted without thinking. This reckless order made him growl in a threatening yet amused way. My heart skipped a bit at the possibility of having upset him. And also, that sound was the sexiest I had ever heard.

  . I stood still while waiting for his reaction. If he was anything like William, which was very unlikely, he’d punish me for having let that order slip and hurt his male ego at the same time. If he was anything like me, he would not be offended by a rookie mistake and he’d let it go. What would he be? Let’s wait and see.

  “No orders, Maddie,” he murmured half-an-inch away from my face. His soft and burning breath brushed my lips and melted my heart. I could not speak, nor move, nor breathe. This tiny caress was th
e only thing I could think of, my mind had been emptied of everything else.

  But then he stepped back, and then away, away from me. I understood he was about to leave and panic seized me. I didn’t want him to go, I didn’t want him to leave me. “No! Don’t go!” I begged like the idiot that I was.

  I didn’t know what to do so I just stretched my arms out and moved in a very zombie-like way. My hands met his chest and slid to the hem of his T-Shirt which I grabbed to prevent him from leaving. This contact shook me to my very core. Johan growled. Annoyance, surprise, desire, all combined.

  Suddenly, his hands grabbed my hips and he pushed me against a wall. I was disoriented and so I held on to him; his body was pressed against mine; it was impossible for us to get any closer to each other. My lips let go of a slight moan – totally against my will – and Johan answered with a similar one. Deep down, my she-wolf was panic stricken. She wanted that man. She wanted to make him hers, right now, this second, and I agreed with her rather strongly.

  There was no thinking clearly, my urges of both woman and wolf had taken over. What was happening between us was violent and uncontrollable. His body against mine was driving me crazy and I knew he felt the same. I could barely control myself, I needed him. I put my hands around his neck to get him even closer – was it possible though? He resisted for half a second before giving in, and his strong arms held me back. I blindly touched his face and grazed his lips with my fingers, which he kissed. This set a raging desire inside me, and there was no stopping it. I wanted to feel his lips against mine, but Johan took my wrists and pressed those against the wall over my head. I arched my back; my body was intuitively reacting to each of his movements. He growled again, and I was blocked, there was nothing I could do. The frustration growing inside me was unbearable.

  “Madelyne,” he sputtered.

  “Johan,” I answered with a breath as panting as his.

  A powerful wave of passion came from him and nearly drowned me. I concluded he enjoyed me saying his name. The feeling was mutual. I closed my eyes behind the scarf, that wave was wilting and driving me topsy-turvy. I was hot, I was quivering, I was getting impatient. If we felt the same way, which we clearly did, why was he hesitating? What on earth was going on in his head? I tried to free my wrists, and I might as well have tried to make the sun disappear: it wouldn’t work. He pressed his forehead against mine, and this contact soothed me a little bit. My she-wolf was fighting to take control for good and get rid of this human chrysalid, but I was stronger. I wanted to remain this way in Johan’s presence – for now.

  We stayed this way for a long time, our faces this close, my hands imprisoned by his. Slowly, he grew calmer, his breath was more relaxed and so was his heart. The waves of desire he was diffusing ebbed: he was in control again soon enough. I was quite admirative, because there was no way I could do that. He made me irrational. Yet his personal censure helped me get back to reality. I slowly regained my own mind and influence over myself. That was quite hard because I didn’t want to in the least, but Johan’s impassibility and calmness were helping. He was soothing me by soothing himself. What an exemplary attitude! Unlike me, he was a real goody two-shoes.

  I was just getting used to this new peacefulness and convenient tranquility when he moved, and I jolted. His face got real close to mine, and he gave the edge of my lips a kiss as light as a feather. This contact didn’t rekindle my dimmed desire. On the contrary, I was moved and filled with emotion. I almost cried because I knew he was about to leave. He let go of my sore hands and slowly stepped back. After everything that had just happened, I would not prevent him from leaving again. I had recovered my senses, and it would have been very stupid of me to keep him close when he obviously had better things to do. Sadness lodged in my throat and heart, and Johan’s sorrow echoed mine. He didn’t want to go either. So why would he? The wall I leaned against stopped me from collapsing, and I felt him going away with pieces of my broken heart.

  He was gone in a second like a gust of wind. And here I was, far from him, and he’d left a void in my heart I’d never be able to fill again. It was only now that I realized I’d been missing something essential, and he was my essential. Meeting him had made me feel alive, and whole, and good, for the first time in my life. Now that I was alone, I could see how incomplete I was inside without him. He was my other half. My missing piece. Why would he ever leave me? I felt so sad… So bad….

  I slid down against the wall and fell on the ground. I got rid of the scarf in an enraged gesture. I was now blinded by the light of day which burned my eyes. So I closed them. That way I could almost pretend he was still there. His whiff was lingering all around me and if I focused hard enough, I could remember the feeling of his hands against my hips, his body tuning to mine and his lips by my mouth. I knew he’d be back. Because if he wasn’t, I would hunt him down and grab him by the scruff of his neck. But that didn’t stop me from feeling terrible and heartbroken. I was like one of those mushy soap-opera heroines that aired in the afternoon while everyone was at work — not so glamorous.

  Neither going back to my dull and incomplete life nor seeing my friends seemed like envious prospects. I stayed a good half-hour with my new best friend, the squalid alleyway. The muffled sounds reached my ears from far away. I was in my own little world. However, I wasn’t one to despair. I had had as many blue moods as the next guy, but I didn’t like to whine and complain about my existence for hours. My determination and my character of a fighter brought me back to reality. I recovered the last of my senses: he was gone, so what? I had lived my life without him so far, and I was still there so I should be able to make it without him in the next few days. Okay, he was my other half, so what? I could take care of myself and make it on my own, I didn’t have to depend on him. I was a strong, confident and responsible woman who didn’t need anyone’s help. I desired him back more than anything else, I wished I could see his face and get to know him, but that wasn’t reason enough for me to go soft or forget who I was. No, thank you! I still had trouble understanding what happened between us but that wasn’t like me to behave in such a way. I had been defeated by the violence of our encounter and our mutual emotions, but it would not happen again. Next time, I’ll behave.

  I was boosted and got up. I had to keep my spirits up, because that numbskull Johan was kinda-cute and all, but as far as I was concerned, he hadn’t answered any of my questions. He could tell me to think straight a thousand times, it was useless if I didn’t know why I should obey, nor how to do so. And if he wanted me to act in a well thought out way too, he was in a pretty pickle because in the light of what had just happened, it seemed he was the most reasonable of the two.

  So, to sum it up: I still didn’t know why he was following me or why he wanted to bring me my friends back. I didn’t know why an alpha like him would play solo, or why he was leaving me notes, or why he wouldn’t let me see him. Basically, I had even more questions than before we met. What a successful day.

  But let’s not admit defeat just yet. I did get some intel on that man. I now knew his name was Johan, and that was a good start. Then, I knew he was an alpha, which was kind of shady, but I would definitely investigate. And I had learned the most interesting thing: he wasn’t like William. He was comprehensive, benevolent and patient. He hadn’t hit me or yelled at me when I gave him an order. He was still a dominant, obviously, but he had morals and didn’t bully the others to assert his authority. That was crucial information and that was better than any other answer. I was glad I’d found that out.

  It was now time to go home. The others had to be worried since my shift had ended two hours ago and they didn’t know where I was. I bought some pizzas on the way back to make it up to them. Even though everyone loves pizza, Esthelle and Lola were particularly fond of it. I hoped it would be enough to bamboozle them and avoid questions. Lola would definitely spot the lycanthrope’s whiff all over me, and Milo would probably too. His sense of smell was not as strong as a wolf’s,
but that didn’t stop him from detecting lots of effluviums. I would most likely get caught. And at the risk of disappointing them again, I didn’t want to talk about my meeting with Johan at all. What had happened was mine and I wouldn’t share it with anyone. No matter how much harassment I’d receive, I’ll be tight as a clam.

  I got to the witches’ house half an hour later. Public transport with pizzas was amazing. People everywhere staring at you as if you were a freak… Yeah! I was still feeling that void eating me from the inside, and worst of all, I was starting to feel his absence. I hated it. As I walked by the stonewall, I noticed a sheet of paper in between the stones, and Johan’s scent was in the air. Great, more spy-code communication. As though I hadn’t got anything better to do. By the note laid a cloth folded away — I assumed it was a new T-Shirt. My poor heart looped a loop. I did my best to take the note while trying to prevent my five cartons from falling.

  Madelyne,

  I’m not sure allowing this meeting was the best thing to do, but I don’t regret it. I’m sorry I didn’t answer all your questions. Maybe you can figure out why, maybe not. I need you to be patient with me, I have trouble dealing with all of this, and I’m afraid of losing myself with you if I let us get acquainted… I have to leave town for a few days. I hope you’ll enjoy my gift as much as I love your scarf. I miss you already.

  Johan.

  Oh, so he had “allowed this meeting” and he wouldn’t “let us get acquainted”. Who did he think he was, the President? I didn’t need his permission to do anything, and whether he liked it or not, I would definitely meet with him again and we would get acquainted. At least I had an apology, and the certainty that he didn’t regret what had happened. Everything was not lost, but once again, I wasn’t known for my patience: I couldn’t just wait around for him without asking questions or trying to find out what the hell he was doing. I wasn’t stupid enough to retreat into inertia. Why did I have to be patient? What did he mean by “dealing with all of this”? What was “all”? Why was he leaving town? Was it because of me?