She-Wolf I

by Gaëlle Bonnassieux

  “Maddie? We’re going shopping for Clemencia and Colin, you wanna come?” Esthelle asked.

  “Yeah, sure, I’m coming,” I answered.

  As always, the young witch didn’t ask anymore questions and she didn’t even seem to find it weird that I was standing in front of a stonewall reflex smiling on my own like an idiot. Great! Milo wouldn’t get under my skin with his questions since Esthelle wasn’t going to say anything about this. She couldn’t reveal something she didn’t care about.

  I slipped the note into the back pocket of my shorts and headed back towards the house. The woods would have to wait. And so would Johan…

  Chapter 14

  I was bored to death. I wasn’t usually this grumpy when shopping; on the contrary, I loved the newly acquired freedom I had to choose whatever I wanted to buy, to stroll and discover new dishes, biscuits or potato chips, new tastes and colors, and listen to the high or low brouhaha of the consumers created by capitalism and trade… I loved to shop. But now, my mind was stuck on Johan and this urge to see him again was above every other need.

  Thus I was merely following the supernatural group, like a shadow following the light. I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on. I just wanted to get to Johan as fast as I could. To my great surprise, Colin was as good as gold. I thought he was just another temperamental child, but Clemencia had done a good job and he wasn’t crying for anything: he’d only look around with an enthralled gaze. It was probably the first time he set foot in a mall, which explained his amazement. I was feeling it as well in spite of my eagerness to leave. I had to say, those who invented consumption had done a pretty good job at it. Malls make you want to buy everything they have to offer, and I was the archetype of those who did so every time. I had to have some flaws.

  Milo was behaving like a gentleman and carried our bags. I’d grab everything Clemencia and Colin needed: diapers, Lucky Charms, lots of toiletries and a myriad of other things, which meant that someone — namely a handsome shapeshifter — was the perfect bag-bearer. I mean, I could carry the bags myself, I was in good physical condition now, but if he liked to think himself useful, no problem. I was crawling behind the group and watched my wallet emptying as the bags were filled. Adélie was giving me a very generous salary, especially since I was living in her house too, but in the long run, I feared it might not be enough to provide for my fellow wolves. But never mind, I’ll work overtime, or find another job: I’ll do what it takes.

  It was finally time to pay: the bill was rather steep, I actually almost lost sight at it, but what could I say? We’d only bought what was necessary. I got into the car with Esthelle, Clemencia and Colin while Milo and Lola hopped on Adélie’s car. They hated me so much that they couldn’t even stand being in the same car as me. It was getting worse. I wouldn’t stand their anger and silence much longer. I wanted to get my friends back, and their own characteristic good mood and light-heartedness. I was weary of their wrathful looks. It was their fault too! They were two gigantic pains in my ass. I was aware of my wrongdoings, but they wouldn’t recognize theirs. They were as stubborn as ever and seemed to refuse to even try seeing things from my perspective. What a load of BS. They weren’t making any effort.

  I was brooding still the whole drive through. The mall was on the other side of town — the crazy one — so it was no two minutes ride, but rather a half-an-hour one. Which meant half-an-hour of mental complaining while my eyes zigzagged at the pace of the landscapes passing by. Buildings, commercial zones, shops, trees, flowers, it was all going too fast and the images would reach my mind as a hazy mess which abounded in colors and shapes and sounds and scents. If I hadn’t been a wolf, my head would have exploded. On the opposite side of the car, dozens of vehicles accelerated and braked according to the traffic, a dancing number of life itself whose choreographers were engines and fumes. Pollution was all over the place, and you didn’t even notice it anymore, it was seeping into your skin and your lungs and your lives. What a funny life humanity and smoke lived.

  The tires screeched on the gravels of the alley. I looked outside and we were home. Far away in the distance, the top of the trees was calling me. Just wait a little while longer.

  I reluctantly got out of the car and entered the house to help everyone put everything away, and then I went upstairs to put up my stuff away. As I stopped by the bathroom, I discovered that my hair was all over the place, and so I attempted to make braids, but I was distracted by Milo and Lola. They were speaking of me downstairs with Clemencia. “You guys have always known she was an alpha?”

  “Of course,” they answered in unison.

  “But… is she ours?”

  “She doesn’t want to be,” Lola sighed.

  “Why?” Clemencia asked.

  “She thinks she’s not up to it, and she claims she doesn’t want to take the responsibility of a pack, but I think that mostly, she’s scared,” Milo explained, and as always, he saw right through me.

  “Which is stupid,” Lola grumbled.

  I stopped listening: this was pissing me off. I didn’t like the little chats they had behind my back to criticize my concerns and my behavior. Was I bitching about their own attitudes? No, and yet I could have! But I hated lies and hypocrisy: if I had something on my mind, I’d say it clearly to whom it may concern, as always — even when it concerned people like Ryan or William and even when I knew it’d get me in trouble and I’d receive punches in the stomach. I changed and decided to put on a black, lacy tank top. I went down the stairs to speak with those vile gossipers, and I found them in the office, since Colin was napping again in the guestroom. He had been sleep-deprived for a while, poor thing. I opened the office door wide and frightened the prattling traitors in a little criticism session.

  “In case you haven’t noticed, I have quite the keen hearing,” I started saying while staring with anger at their faces. “If the choices I make do not please your highnesses, I’d rather you talk to me about it instead of whispering behind my back. Please, don’t let me stop you from bad-mouthing, I have better things to do anyway.”

  Their faces showed nothing but surprise and guilt. They didn’t suspect I might be listening and let alone my confronting them about it. I was very disappointed by this childish behavior, I used to consider them all too old for this kind of crap, including Lola.

  “Maddie, there was no bad-mouthing, we were just…” I interrupted Clemencia by slamming the door. Just like I said, I had better things to do. Let them jabber, I didn’t care. I only hoped they’d feel ashamed by the words I uttered.

  I went out of the house for good. The wind caressing my bare arms was delightful. I scampered towards the woods, and as I got closer and faster, my stomach started aching. I was going to see Johan again. After all this time without him, I’ll be by his side soon. His scent was growing more powerful, which meant he wasn’t very far. I could even feel his presence. It is only when I was finally covered by the trees in the depth of the forest that I realized I wasn’t supposed to actually see him. And I forgot to bring something to cover my eyes with. Was he going to come anyway? If that was the only reason that may stop him from coming, I could just keep my eyes closed the whole time. Did he trust me enough? Would I be strong enough to resist the temptation to open my eyes? Yes. I definitely needed answers this time and I was willing to make this small sacrifice, that is, not look at him.

  I ran deeper into the forest for a while because I needed to stretch my legs, but mainly because I wanted to let go of the frustration and deception tormenting my heart. I deeply needed to make up with my friends, but sadly, it was not only up to me. During my little improvised jogging, I could hear the bushes and the leaves rustling, and I smelled Johan’s scent all around me. He was following me, but he seemed determined not to catch up with me. He was a rascal for sure: he was probably staring at my nice behind wiggling with every step I took. That is what I would have done if I had been able to stare at my own bottom. Or his, which was more likely to ha
ppen.

  After a good twenty minutes, I stopped running. The urge to see Johan was growing stronger, and I felt more relaxed than before. The running and stomping of my feet on the ground, plus the wind blowing and the countless little sounds of the woods had calmed me down. I sat cross-legged on the ground and after looking around for a second, I closed my eyes. I was weird, I felt ridiculous and vulnerable. No matter. If that’s all it took to get him to come…

  “I forgot the scarf,” I said. “But my eyes are closed, and they’ll stay closed as long as you’ll be there.”

  The sound of silence answered, then birds chirping, the far rustling of a little brook; and then him.

  “Do you promise?” he whispered close to me.

  My heart skipped a beat. It was becoming some kind of a habit; it wouldn’t surprise me if it had turned into a kangaroo by now. I hesitated. I wasn’t one to make empty promises. Maybe he knew that, maybe he didn’t. Did I actually want to make a promise I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep. I mean I wanted to keep it but once again, it wasn’t only up to me: if a UFO crashed at my feet, or if a time-traveling T-Rex decided to leave its cozy forgotten Mesozoic era to eat me, or if the sun exploded, anything might get me to open my eyes. But I’ll take that risk. “Yes,” I answered.

  A gust of wind and an abrupt motion revealed Johan’s presence. I could hear his footsteps too and sensed his presence nearby. I deduced he’d just sat in front of me. My she-wolf was suddenly fidgety and desired nothing more than to throw herself in his arms. I had difficulties keeping my eyes closed, but I just promised I would. It was hard not to yield.

  I strove to remain as stoic as the centenarian trees living in the forest. Just like during our first meeting, the silence settled between us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was our way to gauge and get back to each other, to savor our both being there without spoiling it with superfluous words. It was important to enjoy the silence from time to time. Yet I feared he might have to go away again soon, so eventually, I spoke. “Lola, Clemencia and even Milo want me to become their alpha, but I can’t. I don’t think I can. I know there is this little voice inside telling me I could be, but I don’t know how to fight or to keep everyone safe, and let alone plot to gain power over other packs or create alliances with other species… It’s just not my thing.”

  “I’m sure you’re smart enough to realize you can learn all those things,” he answered. “Why don’t you wanna, at least, try?”

  “I just told you why.”

  “No, those are just excuses. I can sense there’s something else.”

  He sensed it? Well, well, well. He was psychic now? I remained silent because he had a point. I was hiding behind what I just told him, and it might be true, but it wasn’t the whole truth. My friends might be criticizing me behind my back and suppose the how and the why I didn’t wanna be an alpha, they’d never understand me. They were far from the truth if they thought that I was just dreading responsibilities or that I was afraid. I wasn’t scared — I was terrified.

  “Madelyne?” Johan called gently. His voice was reassuring — I’d felt cornered when he’d rebuffed me. It wasn’t mean of him; he was just trying to understand me. And besides, I had come to him for advice, and it would have been stupid of me to back down now.

  “What if I became a bad alpha? What if I turned out to be like William Parker? I don’t want to become a monster,” I whispered. I was finally phrasing what it was that I had been feeling for a while. He was astonished.

  “Maddie…” he sighed.

  I didn’t answer. I almost wanted to cry. Almost. Here, I admitted it, if I didn’t want to become Clemencia and Lola’s alpha, it wasn’t because I rejected them or the responsibilities that came with it; on the contrary, they were my only family and I wanted to protect them. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel up to the task nor because I was a poor fighter. Johan had told the truth: all those things can be learned. It was just that after all those years being mentally and physically tortured by a monstrous alpha, the idea that I might become like him was terrifying. Who knew? Power might just drive me crazy, and I might adopt a mean, bloody, violent, abusive behavior. The two she-wolves would be delighted to have left the pack of a psychopath to join the pack of another. Totally worth it. It was a risk I didn’t want to take because I wasn’t the only one involved. I didn’t know what kind of alpha I’d turn out to be, but chances were that I might be William Parker’s long-lost twin.

  I heard and sensed Johan move. What was he doing? Keep your eyes closed Maddie, I ordered myself. The last thing I wanted was to drive him away. I jolted when he took my hand, and I almost fainted at his touch. It was too much, too powerful, too violent, too sexual. Too everything.

  Our fingers were intertwined together while I was restraining my wolf-self from taking advantage of the situation. His hands were soft and warm, and I loved the feeling of his skin on mine. The wolf was howling with pleasure deep inside me, and I was quite shaken up about the strength of his touch. I longed to throw myself in his arms, discover his face and explore his body, but I did nothing of the sort. I was a good girl. I hoped he was enjoying himself because once this was over with, I’ll be able to open my eyes once and for all, I’ll give him a taste of his own medicine and make him regret his shenanigans and his annoying games.

  “You know, the sole fact that you’re afraid to become like William proves how unlike him you actually are?” he whispered. It felt like there was a smile in his voice. I was glad to see that he was having fun while I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.

  But I hadn’t thought about this though. What he had just said was true. William would never have worried about that sort of thing, which was a good sign. Yet it didn’t mean much, in the end. I could still turn into a psychopath at any time. He let one of my hands go and grazed my cheek. A moan escaped my lips. He wasn’t breathing either. It seemed this affetuation was felt by us both. I pressed my cheek on his hand and fought to keep my eyes closed. It didn’t stop me from going up from his hands to his wrists and his forearms — the desire to touch him was just too strong — but he removed his hand from my cheek and stopped me from going any upper. What a killjoy.

  “Maddie, do you really believe I would bust a gut bringing you your friends back if I didn’t think you were a thousand times capable to be an amazing alpha?”

  “Your judgement is askew,” I answered. “You’re weird, for that matter.”

  “I’m weird?” he snickered. “Fine by me, it’s not a flaw. But let’s get back to you. I know you’ll never be like William. How could you, when he embodies everything you despise? He’s the opposite of what an alpha should be, and it will be easy for you not to be like him because you’re a good person.”

  “You don't know that,” I mumbled even though my heart was slowly melting as he spoke.

  “Of course I do,” he growled. “You may have noticed I’ve been following you for a while now, and I’ve learned a thing or two about you. You’re thoughtful and attentive and you always say the right thing to comfort the people you care about. You’re not judgmental and you’re ready to sacrifice yourself for those people and you put their well-being before yours. And even when you’re angry, you don’t snap, and you just say things or tear a strip off the others. You’re kind and true and funny. And beautiful. Does that sound like William?”

  “No,” I movingly sighed.

  “No,” he repeated affirmatively. “So you better stop beating about the bush and start becoming the alpha you’re meant to be. Your friends are counting on you and you’re not the kind of person who lets their friends down. I know this is scary, and it will be hard, but I trust you. You can do it.”

  This was very moving and all, but he didn’t even know me! Well, I had to admit he did seem to be pretty aware of the way I thought and behaved, considering the amount of time he’d spent spying on me — that was creepy, by the way. Anyhow, I was right: he was the perfect person to go to for advice. I didn’t know a
nything about his past, he may have had a pack to lead too, maybe not. But what I did know was that he was right: I wasn’t like William, and I never will be. I was kind, and true, and funny, and beautiful, and I had an amazing butt. I loved my friends deeply, and sometimes I even, weirdly, cared about my enemies somehow. I’d do anything to protect my loved-ones and I might not be the ideal alpha, but I’d do my best. After all, it’s the taking part that counts. Yet there was one more concern. “Thank you. But I’m a woman.”

  “I’d noticed,” Johan laughed, holding my hands a little tighter. His laugh was everything. It was husky, soft, full of joie de vivre, and contagious. Life by his side seemed simple and peaceful. I needed someone like him in my ever-so tumultuous and complicated life. Someone who wouldn’t lessen me or give me grief, who trusted and cheered me, and smiled. That is, if you put aside his secrets and his conundrums or his sudden leaving town. You can’t have it all.

  “No one would accept having a woman for an alpha,” I explained with sadness.

  “Really? Your friends don’t seem to mind. I wouldn’t mind either. Just because you’ve spent your whole life in the worst pack of the continent doesn’t mean that there are no good people on said continent. Prejudices have a sharp tongue, but you can just cut it.”

  “How poetic, I am moved to my very core,” I teased because his idea was weirdly put.

  “That’s kittenish of you! In the meantime, I’m right: a woman is as qualified as a man for the job. A man or a woman, it doesn’t matter: the important thing is to have what it takes. And you do. You’re more than a she-wolf, you’re a she-alpha.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a word,” I pointed out.

  “Well, now it is,” he retorted. “You always have something to say, don’t you?”

  “Nope, not always. But thank you for everything.”

  I gave into the crazy thought which consisted to throw myself in his arms. I’d been thinking about it for a couple minutes, I really wanted to touch him and linger in his arms. After elaborating several plans, I’d figured that surprise was the best way to get what I wanted. And it worked. I landed in his arms, and he uttered a growl full of astonishment, annoyance and pleasure. He immediately held me back and I thought I was going to swoon. The warmth of his body was burning me from the inside. I was completely wrapped up by his scent and it was so overwhelming — in a good way— it made me dizzy. I didn’t feel so good. I did feel so good. I wanted more. I wanted to run. I needed to see him. But I’d made a promise. Thus my eyes remained closed.