I stared at them with a frown brow. I wasn’t expecting this answer, and it surprised me to see how well they took it, and better yet, that they’d understood for a dog’s age that I was secretive. It was proof that I was lousy at keeping secrets.
“Perfect, then this conversation is over!” I cried enthusiastically, clapping once.
“Not so fast,” Lola said. “You’re gonna have to give us some details. Who’s that guy? I mean we three know that he’s no enemy since he led us there, but do you have any idea why? What does he want? Why’s he hiding? Why didn't you tell us about him before?”
Arghh, I had to give some details, didn’t I? Great. I wanted to keep my wolf to myself, so that might turn into a real problem. Why are people so damn curious? Sometimes, not knowing is better. “His name’s Johan,” I confessed reluctantly. “You’re right, he’s far from being our enemy, but I have no idea what he’s up to, I can’t seem to see the big picture. He’s quite mysterious, and he won’t see me unless I don’t ask that many questions. I don’t know why he’s hiding either. He just said that he had things to do and that I would soon figure it all out and that I just had to be patient.”
“Patient? You?” Lola snickered — she knew me all too well.
“Yeah, he’s definitely insane,” I smiled. “And if I didn’t tell you about him before, that’s because I didn’t want to bother you with something I can’t seem to figure out myself since I don’t have all the information. And also, because you were giving me the silent treatment. But if I have to be completely honest, it’s also because there’s something weird between the two of us, and it’s confusing and I needed to sort it all out by myself.”
“Something weird? What do you mean?” Clemencia always asked questions I didn’t want to answer.
“I don’t want to talk about it with you guys because I have no clue myself. So, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t pressure me. It’s hard for me to make sense out of all of this, and I’ll tell you all about it once that’s done, but for now, forget it.”
“Are you in love with him?” Milo asked. His sadness was overwhelming. If I had been the blushing kind, I definitely would have blushed. Thankfully, I wasn’t easily embarrassed. I had been accustomed very young to the perverse innuendos and the humiliations of my former pack — among other things — so I wasn’t embarrassed by that kind of question. But when Milo asked those, it was awkward. Things were rather ambiguous between us, because even though he had never hid what he was feeling towards me, he had never expressed it clearly either. But I had been clear with him had I not? He had even said that he understood, and that he knew the difference between love and friendship. So why was he asking? Was it pride? Or was he still hoping for something to happen? Was he being possessive? Maybe all three.
Once again, I played the honesty card. “I don’t know. I barely know him, but I can tell I feel something when he’s here. Or when he’s not here.”
He nodded and looked away. I sensed he was grateful for my being honest, but he was still sad. It saddened me too, but I couldn’t control what was going on between Johan and me. That was beyond the both of us. I just knew that I craved that man, and that he was mine just like I was his. I stood back up and got Lola and Clemencia to start going deeper into the woods. Once Milo and I were alone, I hugged him. As he hugged me back, desire mingled with sadness, and I felt he was trying to push both away. “Milo, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you and I apologize if I got your hopes up.”
“You don’t have to be sorry or to apologize. You’ve always been clear about what you were feeling or not feeling, and I’m the one that got my own hopes up,” he whispered, touching my cheek. “I can’t help it, I’m stubborn like that. I wish I could say that I understand, and that my feeling for you will disappear eventually, but I’d be lying.”
How painful was that? I never thought he liked me this much. And besides, his honesty was unsettling. Not a lot of men would express their feelings that easily, and it was quite intimidating. He was confident and he knew what he was after — me, for that matter. I had no idea how to handle this. I had a lot to learn about social interactions and relationships; for my defense, I didn’t have any good teachers, or any teacher at all in William’s pack. How cool. “Milo…”
“I’ll do my best not to be intrusive,” he interrupted. “But I can’t promise you won’t sense my desire, or that I won’t spend my days looking at you, or that I won’t try to woo you sometimes… But anyway, I hope our friendship will continue to last in spite of all of that, and in spite of you turning me down.”
“Of course we’ll still be friends! You’re very important to me. Maybe not as important as you’d wish to be, but you are my friend and I’ll always need you by my side. I hope you might be satisfied with that, and if not, I’d totally understand your wish to take some distance, or even to leave.” It was very frightening to say that out loud. I’d just got him back. What would I do if he ever decided to leave? And because of me, on top of that? Yes, I was a grown and independent woman, but I was not ashamed to say that I wished him to remain by my side. That was probably selfish, but Milo was my friend, he was one of my pillars in life, and my own thermos of humor and poetry. When I left my pack, I thought I’d lost him forever, but he was here now, and I didn’t want to let him go anymore.
He smiled and kissed my cheek. Now that was only painful to him. “That won’t happen,” he reassured me. “Even if, to be precise, I lust after you, you are, first and foremost, my friend. You’re a very beautiful woman, but you’re not just that, and I’d have too much to lose leaving you. And, now that I’m part of this pack, I’m stuck here with you girls!”
I snickered because that was quite true. Since I was glad to have straightened things up with him — even if it was less successful than expected — I gave him another hug, a quick one this time. The kind of friendly hug behind which lies no ambiguity. He grabbed my hand and kissed me Victorian-ly. That was so extra. Did I not just ask him to stop that kind of crap? I could easily understand him but that was just pissing me off. He winked at me and headed towards the girls. I sighed with exasperation and followed him.
Lola and Clemencia had already transformed. There was in front of Milo and I, a playful brawl, and a mix of red and beige fur. They were beautiful. Clemencia’s sandy pelage surrounding her thin body contrasted with Lola’s fiery one. The trees around us provided shelter for their little games: they nibbled the other's ears or hit one another with their paws, and a rain of green leaves fell every time they bumped into a tree. That little spectacle made me smile. Unless I was mistaken, it was the first time they saw each other, wolf wise, and that was perfectly normal for them to learn how to be with each other. William curbed the females. Aside from being household slaves, or in some unfortunate cases, sexual slaves, we didn’t have the right to run freely with our fellow lycanthropes, or even to transform just for the sake of it. I could understand their euphoria. I was euphoric too. No more cleaning, no more orders, no more having to obey anyone. In my pack, everyone could do as they pleased, including me.
I didn’t wait a second more to begin transforming into a she-wolf. I was free of my human chrysalid in two shakes of a lamb’s tail, and I purred with pleasure at the feeling of reconnecting with that part of me, and I jumped towards the girls. I was a bit bigger than them; I would have been vexed to be so if society had drove me towards wanting to be a skinny one. I wasn't overweight, but I had curves, my hips were full, my butt was big and my breasts voluptuous, and I liked it. I felt so much better since I had regained the pounds I had lost when I was homeless. And also, I was probably bigger because I was a dominant, that often had a role to play in our sizes. The omegas — weaker wolves, often the scapegoats of a pack — tended to be rather scrawny, like Clemencia. The lambdas — the fighters, sort of a pack’s soldiers — were like a ball of muscles. The betas were also massive and strong, but the alphas were definitely bigger in size, probably so that they could easily be submit
ted to. I didn’t care about my size though. I was me, Madelyne, no matter what shape or color I had.
Milo was standing apart, and when I noticed it, I pranced towards him. My head was at least four inches taller. I softly hit his cheek with my snout and asked silent questions. He winced and wiped my drool off his face before stepping away from me. His face started to change. The features of his mien faded, his bones cracked, his skin thickened and grew hairier, and before I knew it, he had become a chocolate-y wolf. How convenient it was to be able to shapeshift! I was glad he had chosen to assume the shape of one of us, but I didn’t want to pressure him. If he wanted to be a bird, or a snake, or a whale, he could. He sensed my concerns and gave me a snout-hit too. Okay, everything was fine, then.
I joined the two shammy fighters and jumped into the scrum. Clemencia and Lola welcomed me enthusiastically. We rolled in the grass, and I affectionately bit every available piece of flesh I could find. It was amazing to play with them. Milo joined the furry mess and followed our lead. He wasn’t very much aware of what to do but his animal side took over, and the integration into the group went on smoothly. He bit us not so smoothly once or twice, and I set him straight growling.
After this playful interlude, I led the way running towards the depths of the forest. The others followed me, and at first, it was more a walk in the park than an actual race. Lola then started accelerating, as she was eager to challenge her competitiveness, and mine. I did the same, and Milo and Clemencia caught up with us, and it was total chaos. I was running all over the place, trying to run faster than the three of them, and it was hard because neither of us would let it go. I was surprised by Milo’s speed but used to Lola’s. Being able to run by their side was magical. No holds barred. I didn’t hesitate to push, or even trip them, in order to win that race. That wasn’t very fair-play, but the goal was to have fun, and more than once, I tasted my own medicine and fell on the ground rolling over because of someone’s leg.
At some point, a rabbit caught my attention, and I immediately started chasing it. And that was the beginning of the end. Everyone started looking for a poor animal to chase and we all took separate ways in order to catch those little rodents. I lost sight of my fellow wolves, but it didn’t matter now that their souls were in me. I could sense their actions from within, even if they were far away from me, which was both amusing and confusing. In any case, they were having a lot of fun, especially Milo. I was content and sharing a meaningful moment with them made me happy.
We spent three long hours gamboling, running, bickering in the woods. At first, I’d thought they were too small and not so welcoming but as it turned out, they were wide enough for a good twenty wolves. Well, for now, there were only four of us, five including Colin, seven if Johan managed to bring Danny and my grandma back here alive. Speaking of the devil, I was satisfied with how our discussion had turned out: none of my friends had tried to break into my thoughts to collect information about him. Obviously, since I missed him terribly, the others could feel it through me, but they pretended not to, for which I was grateful. There was still a smidge of sadness within Milo, but he was much better. Clemencia and Lola’s joy was stronger than any other feeling. They were so happy to be free and to be able to stroll in the woods anytime they pleased. That made me happy too.
Who would have thought my life would turn out this way? Two months before, I was a Cinderella whose stepmother had been replaced by a violent and despotic alpha. Now, I was an alpha myself, I had a job and a home to sleep in, and I was friends with different species. There was a love-story looming in the distance between myself and an insane wolf. What more could a girl wish for?
This hunt had sated me. I went towards the edge of the forest so that I could wait for everybody else. I transformed back into my human-self and grabbed the clothes I’d left by a tree trunk. I chased some insects away and put them back on, even though I was longing for a hot shower. My body reeked of fatigue, but a good one, the one you get sore muscles from, which meant they had been working.
Soon after, Lola joined me, and jumped into my arms. Her hair was all over the place. “You! You’re the best alpha in the whole world.”
“Easy tiger. I’ve been one for less than four hours.”
“Yes, but that was a blast!” she insisted. She was over the moon. I hugged her back, and it pleased me to see her ecstatic. After all, she was only sixteen and she was out of parents, so it was important for me to know she was happy, she fitted in, and she was loved. “And I’m sorry I’ve been such a jerk,” she said, letting me go. “It was foolish of me to get angry with you without trying to understand you, and I’ll try to be more careful in the future. I know you don’t say no just for fun. And I’m positive you’ll never be like William, so no worries.”
“Thanks, Lol’,” I teased because I knew she hated that nickname. She winced and growled, which made me laugh.
Clemencia and Milo arrived this second, and they thanked me for that delightful moment. I let them walk ahead on the way back. I needed to get back to myself so that I could think about all of this: my doubts, my fears, the talk with Johan, the creation of the pack, the witches’ spell, the hunt… That was a very busy day.
I went by the stonewall without thinking, even though I knew I wouldn't find anything in there since Johan was gone. Yet my nose caught a whiff — foul, tinged with anger and some disgusting men’s cologne. I recalled being disgusted by that whiff for as long as I could remember. That smelled bad, both literally and figuratively. I nearly barfed my fear and my anger. The pack had found me. Us. Were they planning on killing us? Had something happened to the witches? My heart was pounding, and I was about to faint, but I noticed a piece of paper between two stones of the wall. I knew that wasn’t from Johan. I caught the note, Ryan’s repelling scent filled the air. I froze with dread reading the note.
How cute. You still write little kiddy notes to your friends? I’ve missed you Madelyne. You know I never give up. The pack may have forgotten about you and those dickheads you call friends, but I haven’t, will not, and mark my words, I will catch you.
Since you like playing, I want to play with you. Watch you, manipulate you and your friends like little puppets, and possess you when you’ll least expect it. Yes, Maddie, possess you. After all, you are what you are, a mere woman which I can use like any other worthless object as I see fit. You are weak, and alone, and stupid. I will take my time with you.
Maybe I’ll also get to play with your new friend, Johan, is it? I could hunt him down and kill him without you even noticing it. Or, I could wait until you show up, so that you could watch him die slowly. Who knows? You’ll never know what will become of him, OR I might just send you one of his arms, his legs or his head.
Can’t wait to see you again and to break you apart. I’ll do my best to make your life miserable, just like I used to. You. Are. Nothing.
I stopped breathing, my heart stopped pounding. I could have laughed and mock that stupid beta’s pomposity — who did he think he was, thinking himself omnipotent and smarter than me? and besides, I was neither alone nor nothing — but I had no desire to laugh whatsoever. Stupidity was the worst flaw there was, and he was the most stubborn and nasty wolf I ever knew. Unfortunately, in spite of how excessive his threats were, I knew he would see those through, and he could do even worse. He was here, he had found me, regardless of the pack’s of interest towards its fugitives. And he had a grudge against me.
There were so many things in that letter that gave me the creeps. First, he knew that Lola and Clemencia and Colin were here with me, and he knew about Johan. Second, he was threatening them, those I loved, the members of my pack. Third, he was insulting me, telling me I was a nonentity. The worst was that part: “a mere woman which I can use, like any other worthless object, as I see fit”. Did everyone think that about women? Was I the only who might be shocked by such a sentence? In what world did I live, if someone could say and even think that kind of bullshit?
N
o.
I wasn’t “a mere woman”. And I was no worthless object, neither was any other woman. I was a person that could not be used, nor abused. I dearly hoped Ryan was the only man who thought this way, or that would be the end of the world. Hopefully, there were men like Johan and Milo. Society was so diverse, good and evil were constantly fighting a battle neither could win. Ryan was evil. He deserved a slow and painful death for threatening me and my loved ones, and for thinking such horrific things about women.
My thinking might be cool and determined, I could sense panic slowly reaching my brain. I knew my friends were not in danger, but what about Johan? Where was he? Would Ryan come after him, or would he wait for him to get closer so that I could watch? These thoughts were unbearable.
With each second passing by, I thought my heart was going to explode. I wanted to burst and let go of my fear and my anger and hunt that scoundrel down to make him sorry for the dreadful things he’d written. I wanted to go after Johan and warn him: without him, life wasn’t worth living. Waves of emotions overwhelmed me, and each was trying to flood the other, unsuccessfully. What should I do? Fear and panic were useless. That was how he wanted me to feel, like a powerless child. I would not give that to him. In spite of my concern, I would stay strong and proud, and show him that his twisted games and his reckless threats were nothing to me. Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. He was alone. He was nothing. I would use him as I saw fit. He had gone too far this time.
Fright, anger, anguish and dread lured the others back to me. They could feel what I was feeling, especially when I felt something I could not control, like panic. Milo was the first one there, and he talked to me. I couldn’t hear him.
Lola was next, and she pulled me out of my drowsiness. “What’s wrong?!” she cried.
Clemencia was looking and smelling around, on the lookout for a potential threat. I handed Lola the note without answering. She frowned and grabbed it, the other two went behind her to look over her shoulder. Their faces distorted as they read, and they became as white as a sheet. Was I this white too? Nope, probably whiter. Shock settled in their minds along with a gnawing rage. But I sensed no fear. Did they not understand what that note meant? Or maybe I was just a coward.
She-Wolf I Page 21
