Lola angrily tore the note in a thousand pieces the wind carried away. “Asshole!” she growled. She started calling him the worst of names and insulting him, and Clemencia imitated her.
Milo was just staring at me, worried and cautious of my behavior. His hands framed my face and I jolted? That was nice of him to try reassuring me, but not what I needed right now. I needed Johan, I needed to know he was okay, I needed to know he was not being chopped in pieces as we spoke.
“Maddie,” the shapeshifter said, “we will not let anything happen to you.”
“He’s right,” Lola agreed, “we’re a pack, we protect each other.”
“I don’t want you to be involved in this,” I protested. Damn it. What a great alpha. I had a pack for like five minutes, and I was already signing their death warrant. That might be a new record, I’d look into it. No, I had to stop doubting myself. Once again, that was exactly what that douchebag wanted, and I refused to give him satisfaction.
“Too late,” Lola pointed out. “Come on, don’t worry. Ryan’s just a moron, we won’t let him come after you or any of us.”
“Yes,” Clemencia smiled. “And if you’re worried about Johan, you shouldn’t, he clearly seems to know what he’s doing. Nothing will happen to him.”
“Definitely,” Milo said, almost sadly. “As soon as your Johan’s back, we’ll keep an eye on him and we won’t let Ryan coma after him either.”
Emotion submerged me, a positive one this time. They were adorable. I hugged them all and enjoyed the group hug. “Did I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you guys?” I whispered holding them tight.
“Now you have,” Lola teased. Her witty remark made me smile, and I did my best to get my fill of positive energy.
I was angry, I was afraid and revolted. But I still had hope. Because whatever happened, I knew my kind would be by my side, and we were strong enough to fight this battle. I was going to be brave, and the best alpha there was, and protect and rely on my friends. Everything was going to be fine.
Chapter 17
Adélie and Esthelle were outraged when Lola told them about the note we’d received. Well, that I’d received, actually. They immediately started to conjecture about what we should do, but I ignored them. What was the point in trying to find solutions? We didn’t know anything at this point, aside from the fact that Ryan was lurking in the whereabouts. It was useless to get all riled up and to make overly ambitious plans, it would only arouse our fear. I’d rather wait for the big bad wolf and make a decision then. Solutions would just show up when the time comes.
On the bright side, Esthelle and Lola were starting to get along. They could stay in the same room without the rest of us having to bear that horrible tension, and they even talked to each other. Who knew Ryan could have beneficial effects?
My mind was elsewhere the whole day through, even at dinner. My friends kept on showing their support and saying how everything was going to be fine. I wasn’t worried about that actually, things get better eventually, one way or another, but not always in the way you might want them to. They were adorable, but they did not seem to understand that I was petrified at the thought of Johan being hunted down — or worse! killed — by Ryan. I couldn’t stand not knowing where or how he was, or what he was doing. I wanted him to be by my side, safe and sound. But that was impossible, obviously. So yeah, on the one hand, everything was fine because my pack was here and secure, but on the other hand… will I ever see Johan again?
My bed indifferently welcomed my mixed state-of-mind. I wasn’t sleepy. How could I even sleep, when he was possibly in danger? Milo and Lola insisted on sleeping with me so that they might comfort and look after me, but let’s just say that three people in a single twin bed did not actually help me sleep. It did comfort me though. I knew nothing would happen to us. I could also hear the witches chatting downstairs and Clemencia was reading Colin a bedtime story. It was dead calm. But for how long?
The week went on in a cloudy anxiousness. I was working like a robot. Milo had found a place to work, Clemencia was looking after her son, and Lola was staying home studying on the witches’ computer. She hadn’t brought up the highschool topic again: now was not the time. In spite of that perpetual anxiety, having a pack was soothing indeed, and brought a sort of inner peace which was very much welcomed. Johan was still gone, but unlike the last time that happened, it didn’t influence my behavior. Even though I missed him to death, I was still in control of myself, without ever being aggressive or worked up. Good for me, because all that stress was hard enough to cope with: I wouldn't have survived insanity.
Ryan was having a lot of fun. He often left little notes full of threats in the stonewall, and his stink poisoned the air around it. I was angry with him: he had claimed my wall and Johan’s for himself, and he’d turned it into a place of fear and meanness. I felt like I’d lost a part of Johan. He was slowly fading away, and if I didn’t have his scent on his T-Shirt to remind me of him, I could have believed he was just a chimera, a product of my imagination. Thankfully enough, Milo and his now legendary sadness were here to remind me that he wasn’t a dream, and that he was out there somewhere.
I often wondered whether William knew about his beta’s schemes or not. The alpha was a monster, but from time to time, moments of lucidity and goodness pierced that very small brain of his. Now that I’d left the pack, it was very unlikely that he’d still be interested in me — in the sense that he wouldn’t miss hitting me every day. He either could not let go of things or let them go way too quickly. I wanted to believe that if he knew what Ryan was doing, he would have called him to order and prevented him from pursuing his sadistic plans. Yet that was hard to believe. One could never know what the hell went on in the head of the crazy ones, and William was crazy. Not like seriously insane, but he was craving power, violence, stupidity. Maybe he was giving Ryan orders. Maybe he knew what was going on, and he was turning a blind eye — as usual — to what his beta was doing. Maybe he didn’t know what was going on. But it didn’t matter much anyway. I couldn’t count on him or on anybody like him to stop Ryan: only my pack and myself could be trusted.
One day, as the morning sun rays languorously warmed my body, Lola came up to me. I had been sensing for a few days now, that she was confused, sad, and worried. I didn’t want to meddle into her personal life or thoughts, nor question her, so I just left her be. And since I was working a lot, it was hard for me to focus on her or on anyone else. I was doing my best though, and dealt mostly with Clemencia and Colin, whose adaptation to our lifestyle was hard. After all, they’d abandoned the wealth and comfort of a big pack for a small house with strangers. There was not that much money, and Clemencia wondered often about her son’s future. Even if she didn’t regret her choice, I knew that doubts filled her head, so no wonder Lola had left mine.
She sat by my side on the grass in front of the house. I’d taken advantage of the sunny day, which coincided with my day off, to take a mental-health break. It was working. It would have worked even better if that Ryan-psycho didn’t have a vendetta against me, but life’s not perfect. Silence settled between Lola and I. I sensed she wanted to engage in conversation, but since she was already uncomfortable, I didn’t want to make things worse. Yet I was curious to find out the cause of her uneasiness and her low mood of the past few days. “Maddie?” she finally said.
“Lola?”
“Have you ever found a girl beautiful?”
Oh, okay. That’s what that was about. Lola’s problem was Esthelle. This was going to be fun. I was in no position to answer this kind of question, but I’d do my best. I had managed to calm the little witch’s anger, so I might as well manage to calm the little wolf’s concerns. “Of course,” I answered innocently. “I think you are beautiful, and I find Adélie or Esthelle pretty too.”
“No, but like, have you ever been attracted to a girl?”
Here we go! My change of subject, or my faked ignorance had gotten me to the heart of the
matter. “Hum, that’s a hard question to answer. There are a lot of women that I find very beautiful, even hot, and very smart, but I don’t think I find myself attracted to them.”
“But how do you differentiate beauty and desire?”
“That kind of depends on how you feel.” I smiled — the question had caught me off guard. “But I guess that if you just randomly see a woman and you find her beautiful, but you don’t feel anything inside, then that's just about beauty. On the other hand, if you can sense something deep inside, some kind of infatuation, and that if or when you get to know that woman, it doesn’t go away, then I guess that’s desire.”
“You guess?” she growled.
“Well I’m no philosopher in case you haven’t noticed,” I teased. “I didn’t write a dissertation on the subject.” She rolled her eyes at me, but a little smile blossomed on her lips. I should have been a stand-up comedian. But it wasn’t too late for a career change.
“But... “ she hesitated. “Don’t you think it’s kind of… wrong? To be attracted to a girl?”
“Why on earth would that be wrong?” I said harshly. “Love has no sex or gender; love is not something you can control. I am not currently attracted by women in general, but maybe someday I’ll meet one that I’d find amazing and intelligent and generous and pretty, and I wouldn’t resist her charms because she’d embody everything I look for in a significant other. So we’d get together, and we’d be happy. Now would you think that to be wrong?”
Lola thought it through for a minute. Knowing that I was desperately attracted to Johan, and that as long as he was in my life, I could love no one else, man, woman or camel, it was hard for me to picture myself with a woman. However, I truly believed what I said. What was the meaning of normality? It didn’t have any. Love is above that kind of a thing. When you fall in love, you fall in love with a soul, a character, and faces and bodies have something to do with it but they ought not to stand above the rest. I was sure to be right and could not stand the people who just loved being hateful towards these so-called “abnormal” couples. I wanted Lola to understand that, in spite of the questionable education she’d received, every single person is free to love whoever they want, men, women, both, neither, there is nothing wrong nor abnormal in that. Eventually, she shook her head.
“You’re right,” she sighed. “That wouldn’t be wrong. I don’t know why I ask so many questions. This is all so new to me! I feel like having desire for Esthelle makes me some kind of monster…”
“Bullshit. I think we don’t have the same dictionary,” I rebuffed so that she might understand how insane she sounded.
“Yeah. Crap. Ryan’s the monster. I’m just…”
“A teenage girl? Lost and in love?” I suggested.
She blushed a bit, and the color of her cheeks contrasted with her fiery hair. It was unusual to see her embarrassed, that wasn’t in her nature. But that was cute, too. She nodded timidly, as if she were outraged to confess that she was in love. Come oooon. She really needed to wipe out the meanness and small mindedness her parents had injected in her. Her intelligence and her reasonable mind, her heart too, would allow her to do so, I was sure of it.
Since she was still a bit embarrassed and down in the mouth, I hugged her and held her tight for a while. “You worry too much, Lol’,” I sighed. “Love shouldn’t be that hard. You and Esthelle are meant to be together. Of course, that can be scary and puzzling and everything, but it’s also very beautiful don’t you think? Very few people get to meet their soulmate, and you have had that chance! It would be a shame to ruin it and miss out the most exciting adventure of your life all because society might look down on it, don’t you think?”
“Yes… But it’s just so weird, I mean, after what told her the first day, she probably hates me… And I don’t know how to behave with a girl… Maybe I’ll act so stupid and ridiculous that she won’t even want to look at me anymore…”
I bit my tongue not to laugh. Lola was telling me about real, personal fears, and it would have been rude to laugh at her. But I terribly wanted to laugh though. “You know, I think that she’s the one who thinks you hate her,” I answered — there was no need to hold it back. “And she might not know how to behave either. And you don’t need to ask yourself that kind of question anyway, things will just happen on their own eventually when the time’s right.”
“Yes. You know what? I think you’re right.”
“I’m always right,” I said, tousling her hair.
“Careful alpha dear!” she said standing up. “You’re getting too big for your boots! But thank you for that little talk, you didn’t do much, but I feel better.”
“I could so easily be vexed.” I smiled — but I agreed. “I’m glad you came to me. Don’t wait that long next time!”
“Yes Ma’am!” I was amused and rolled my eyes at her. She stooped down and kissed my cheek before perkily running away. I’d done my selfless good deed for the day.
I remained on the ground for a while, enjoying the sunlight and the pack-bond that united us all: it was turning my mind upside down, but it also soothed it greatly. Everyone was doing fine. Colin kipped in his bed, Clemencia was reading peacefully, Milo chatted with Adélie and Lola was daydreaming in the attic. I could feel some little concerns, but they didn’t infringe upon the general light-heartedness, and I was really content. Happiness just comes and goes ephemerally in the blink of an eye, so it’s definitely hard to grasp. But from time to time, it shows up for a little while longer, and you can lock it in your heart before it goes away again, and before sadness, trouble or pain takes its place. At this point, I was really grateful for that little happiness we were sharing. I relished in it, even, because I knew it wouldn’t last.
I jolted when I heard Milo coming from behind. I faced him and lifted my hand to shield my eyes from the sun. He was smiling, and he helped me stand up so we could actually be face to face. Was this the time when happiness would leave?
“Adélie and Esthelle suggested we go to a festival tonight, so is it okay if we do?” he asked without letting go of my hands. Awkward as hell. Milo was like one of those evergreen trees that never lose their leaves. It was kind of annoying, but as long as he didn’t try to entice me anymore, I couldn’t blame him, and I could cope with physical proximity. I’d been taking some distance recently because I didn’t want to make him sad or unhappy, and I feared that being close to him might cause him pain, but maybe that wasn’t the right way to go, I needed to explore different strategies.
“Milo, come on! You don’t need to ask permission!” I reprimanded him. “You can go wherever you want, with whoever you want, as long as you just let me know about your whereabouts.”
“Oh, okay, got it,” he said sheepishly. “I’m sorry, it’s just that this is all kind of new to me, and I don’t want to do something stupid. But I was actually coming to take you with us.”
“Don’t worry, you’re haven’t done anything stupid. Yet.” I smiled. “And thank you but I’m not sure I want to come… What kind of a festival is it?”
“The music kind. There’ll probably be food and other entertaining things to do, it should be fun. You should come with us, instead of staying here moping around about Johan.”
“Johan?” Esthelle repeated — she’d just joined us. “Did you say Johan? You know Johan?”
I gave her a dirty look. Wasn’t she aware of the fact that a lycanthrope was lurking in the whereabouts since I came here, and that he was the one bringing my friends over there? I felt like I’d said it once or twice. More like a hundred times actually. Oops, no wait, never mind, I never told the witches his name. I dumbfoundedly stared at Esthelle for a moment. The scent of enthusiasm and curiosity she released spurred me to question her, and myself. Did she know Johan? And if she did, how? Why didn’t she mention him? Okay, that little witch spent most of her time not caring about the rest of us people, but there were limits.
“Do you know Johan?” I said crossing my arms
over my chest.
“Of course! That is, if my Johan and your Johan are the same?”
“Which Johan are we talking about then?” Milo intervened. He was both amused by our remarks which seemed to fall on deaf ears and concerned about what was to come.
Esthelle hesitated, she was suddenly on her guard and suspicious. “That depends… Who’s your Johan, Maddie?”
I rolled my eyes at her. What the hell was going on. I didn’t have time for riddles. Adélie had been looking at us from the front porch for a few minutes, and she joined us too. Her purple eyes shone with joy, and she faced us with a wide smile. “So? Shall we go to the festival?” she cheered up.
“No, we’re talking about Johan,” Milo explained.
“Johan? Did you say Johan?” Lola shouted from the attic. Thirty seconds later, she was with us, Clemencia on her heels.
Great. We were all going to talk about Johan, for some reason. Oh, I knew why: happiness had decided it was time to go and had left like the rats deserting a sinking ship. Annoyance had taken its place and now stood by my side in that flock of quiproquos.
“What’s with Johan?” Lola asked excitingly.
“No idea,” I sighed. “It seems that Esthelle knows him.”
“I didn’t say I knew your Johan, I said I knew my Johan,” the purple-haired witch replied.
“I’m warning you; my patience is wearing thinner and thinner by the second,” I growled. “Do you, or do you not know a man, a wolf actually, that’s been hanging around here for months, following me, stalking me even, which you and Adélie are aware of as I recall, and whose name is Johan?” Yes, I may have exaggerated on the stalking part, but my little soliloquy seemed to have paid off.
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