She-Wolf I

by Gaëlle Bonnassieux

Esthelle and Lola were sitting on the bed, and there was a respectful distance between the two of them. I looked into my pack bonds, and understood that Lola was anxious, but also happy to be in the presence of the soulmate she pretended to hate. “That was such a great day,” the witch sighed, fiddling with her phone to put up a front.

  “Yeah, it was awesome. I’m glad Maddie’s alright,” Lola answered.

  “Yup, me too. Even I worried about her, and I don’t usually worry. But… I mean, anyway… Can you actually read her mind and feel what she’s feeling?” Oh bloody hell. That was a bad time to ask such a question Esthelle! I hoped Lola wouldn’t do it live because if she did, I’d be busted, and she’d know I’d been listening. I was surprised she didn’t realize I was here, because I hadn’t been very discreet on my way up. She was probably distracted by Esthelle’s presence. It was bitchy of me to do this, but I wanted to make sure everything went down smoothly. I wasn’t planning on staying here long, just a couple more seconds…

  “Yes and no” Lola smiled. “Let’s say that most of the time, I don’t pay attention to what’s going on in her head, and if Maddie doesn’t want us to look into it, then we can’t. She’s the alpha, so she can decide whether or not she wants us in her mind. We can decide too, but it’s harder, like if she really wants to know what we’re thinking or feeling, she can, but if she doesn’t want us in, we can try, but we’ll never succeed. However, if I concentrate hard enough, or if Maddie’s in danger, then we can. We’re connected. All of us are. We share everything. I can easily access the minds of Milo, Clemencia, and Colin though.”

  “This is sick! But… so, you knew when… like when that Ryan asshole was here?”

  “Yeah,” she shivered. “That was terrible. I could feel her terror, and her rage, and it was so strong that those emotions might as well have been my own. I could see everything. I was there, I was really there, watching, and I couldn’t do anything. I was powerless.”

  My heart ached. I’d been so focused on me and what I'd been through that I didn’t even think for a second that the others might have been hurt too. I didn’t know that they’d been there, watching everything. But of course, it seemed obvious now. When there was something with Milo at work, I could almost see what it was about. When Lola screamed because she’d seen a spider, I could see her. When Clemencia reprimanded Colin, it was as if I was doing it myself. I knew what they were doing and what they were feeling every second of the day, but it felt so natural that I didn’t even pay attention to it anymore. It was the same thing for them, and I had never thought about it.

  How could I have been so foolish, so selfish? They weren’t feeling good. I understood now, I understood their guilt. But it wasn’t their fault. I would have to talk to them about it because I wouldn’t want them to feel like this anymore. I couldn’t do much, but to talk about something was the first step to getting over it, to moving on, to feeling better.

  To my surprise, Esthelle seemed as moved as my wolf-cub. In spite of her armor, and her lack of interest for the things in her life which allowed her to protect herself from feeling, she did have feelings, and she took a lot of things to heart. In the end, she was sensitive. She was probably troubled by what had happened to me: she was a woman too after all, and in our world, she was exposed to the same risks as I was, as any woman was. It was terrible, but it was true. Being a woman was both getting harder and easier over time.

  She took Lola’s hand in hers, in an attempt to comfort her, and it seemed to work. How cute! “Well either way, I wish I had that same mind-power thing, so I could find out what you’re thinking and feeling,” Esthelle said, changing the subject.

  “Why?” Lola said, as red as a beet.

  “So I could know how you feel about me, and if you really hate me.”

  Lola blushed even more, if it was possible. She opened her mouth to answer, closed it again, stared at the witch, who stared back. And suddenly, Lola leaned towards her, and grazed her lips. Esthelle froze, shocked; Lola leaned back, just as shocked. I bit my tongue not to smile. Love sometimes makes you do crazy and thoughtless things. Lola put her hand on her mouth, shattered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that!”

  “Oh shut up,” Esthelle growled before framing Lola’s face with her hands and kissing her full on the lips. The wolf growled too because of that order, but she wasn’t angry, far from it. She placed her arms around Esthelle’s neck and kissed her still while the witch held her tight.

  I felt this tremendously blissful feeling around me. It was Lola’s and this moment was hers too. I shouldn’t be here. I had to leave them to enjoy this private commitment.

  Welling up — I was both moved and pleased to see them together, in spite of the social conventions — I tiptoed back. I didn’t want to disturb them or to ruin that precious moment. For once, they were getting along, and it would have been a shame if I ruined it. I went towards Adélie’s room, and I paused for a second. What I’d just witnessed was sublime. Magical. Two people, happy together, even for a second, no matter their sex, their gender, or who they were to each other was always beautiful. Wonderful, even. I had been lucky to witness this moment, and I felt happy for them, and for myself too. In this world, full of injustice, cruelty, norms, there were still girls and boys ready to love themselves and others, ready to stick two fingers up at the whole planet.

  I was nearly weeping with joy. I was growing soft. This looked like a namby-pamby soap opera, considering how cute the girls were and how schmaltzy I was. But I couldn’t help it. When something was beautiful, I couldn’t resist, period.

  I gathered my thoughts, focused, and tried to look less overwhelmed. I hoped Lola would tell me about it later, but after all, it was only hers and Esthelle’s, she could choose to keep it to herself.

  Come on Maddie, stop being such a hopeless romantic! I chode myself.

  I wiped off my little tears, took a deep breath and knocked on Adélie’s door. After what I just saw, there wasn’t anything I couldn't hear. And I was in such a good mood that I’d be crushed if our little talk didn’t end up in us making up. “Yes?”

  I opened the door a little, and my head stuck out through the door so Adélie might know who was disturbing her. “It’s me,” I stupidly said.

  She told me to come in, which I did. I closed the door behind me, hoping she wouldn’t take this as a sign that I wanted to kill or sequestrate her. No but I mean you never know what might be going on in other people’s heads!

  It was the first time I came into her room. Unlike her sister’s, it was very plain, there were only white and beige color tones. It was very bright. A queen-sized bed took center-stage. The dresser and bookshelf were both made of light pine and matched perfectly. The cottony white curtains let the light in beautifully. There wasn’t much personality in the room, the only thing that might give it away was the picture on the nightstand — Adélie and Esthelle, but no Johan — and this other shelf with various and motley artefacts and grimoires, to which my attention was drawn. Witchcraft was still a mystery to me, and everything related to it was interesting to me.

  Yet I did my best not to look at it that much: I was here to talk to Adélie, not to ask her questions about how magic worked. She was brushing her hair, sitting at her dressing table, on which laid beauty products and a huge mirror. She hadn’t even looked at me. She didn’t say a thing. Nada. Well, this was off to a great start.

  “I feel you don’t like the fact that I’m interested in Johan,” I said point blank — there was no need to beat about the bush. “Did I do something wrong?”

  She put down her brush and sighed facing me. Her face didn’t express any animosity, it was more like, sadness. I didn’t see that coming. “No, no you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry, Maddie, I’m not angry with you. How could I be? There’s nothing wrong with you, quite the opposite. You’re strong, you’re kind and cheerful and attentive and you look after us with the greatest of care…”

  “Yeah, I know,
I’m perfect. So what’s the problem then?” I asked, sitting on the perfectly made bed.

  “There is no problem,” she assured me. “I’m glad fate led you to us. I really care about you, and so does Esthelle. It’s just that… Johan is family. He’s like the son I never had and the son I never will have. I miss him terribly, and I know he’ll never stop fluttering around until his parents’ death is avenged, and I understand. But what I don’t understand is the way he behaves when it comes to you. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s wonderful what he’s doing for you, but I fear he might get in trouble. I really do worry a lot, and I don’t understand why he does it, nor what’s going on between the two of you, and just don’t like not to know things.”

  I understood the problem now, but it felt ridiculous. Adélie was afraid Johan might get in trouble helping me out, even if she has been helping too, so she was in just as much trouble as he might be. When we first met, she told me that she’d take responsibility for her actions, and that she’d take care of me no matter the potential enmities that might befall her. And now, she was worried. Because Johan was involved.

  I didn’t have much of a choice — I had to tell her. I wish I could have kept it to myself a little while longer, so that I might get used to the idea and think about what it meant to have a soulmate, but if Adélie considered Johan her son, I’d inevitably be her daughter-in-law. I might as well tell her now so she might get used to that idea too. I hoped she wouldn’t take it the wrong way, and that she wouldn’t kick me and my friends out either. That would be a true shame. “Okay, I understand what’s troubling you, Mom, but you don’t have to worry about Johan, he knows what he’s doing. At least I hope so.”

  “Mom? Did you just call me Mom?” she repeated with her eyes wide open.

  “Yeah, about that, I wish I could have figured it all out before telling you, but Johan’s my soulmate. Or I’m his soulmate, I guess it doesn’t really matter, let’s just say we’re soulmates.”

  Here it was. But I wasn’t in the least relieved, far from it. I was totally freaked. This was surreal. Even I had trouble believing it was real, so Adélie would probably have a hard time swallowing that… Her face turned white, then red, then all the colors of a rainbow, in a very spectacular way. “You? Him…? Soulmates? Oh. My. God.”

  “Yeah, that came as quite a shock to me too, but…” I sighed before starting when Adélie took me in her arms.

  “I’m so happy!” Adélie said, waxing lyrical, holding me tight.

  “Hum…” I answered, awkwardly patting her shoulder.

  “Maddie! If you only knew how glad I am!” she sighed, crying without letting go of me. “He’s been through so much, and so have you… There could be no better match. For years, I’ve been worried sick at the thought that he’d never find the right person and that he’d remain a bachelor for the rest of his life, brooding and sulking, hateful and loveless… But now he found you! I understand why he keeps on bringing you your friends back, and that he’s forgetting his vendetta for a while… He wants to make you happy… And now I’m so happy!”

  “Yeah, you do seem happy crying like that…” I pointed out, ill-at-ease.

  She laughed, the tears stopped, and eventually, she let go of me. She dried her eyes, and they soon sparkled with joy. There was a beaming smile on her face. On the one hand, it felt weird that she should be so happy because even if Johan and I were soulmates we weren’t actually together. What would happen if we ended up hating each other? Right now, it felt impossible, but you never know, and in that case, Adélie would definitely hate me. And on the other hand, I was happy to see her happy, but now there was too much pressure.

  The witch was a new variable in the equation, and I didn’t want to disappoint her. She was a huge part of Johan’s life, and of mine too, and I didn’t want to sadden either of them. That was a really shitty idea I had. I was torn. And moreover, Johan wasn’t even here to help me handle the crisis. He could have reassured me and temprize Adélie, because to me, she looked a little too over the moon.

  And also… she was right. Johan didn’t have much chance in his life, and neither did I. But we’d found each other, and life seemed beautiful at last. It was worth living. I had desires, plans, a future. Thanks to him. All those things, I hadn’t even dared dream about them when I was hurt and broken in William’s pack. And Johan, he spent his time running after revenge, without ever thinking of love, just like Adélie pointed out.

  Now, he had me, and I’d have his back no matter what. For better and for worse, I’d share his hatred, his vengeance, but also his joy and those little happy moments. Adélie wanted me to bring love in his life, to make him smile, to help him carry the burden of his parents’ deaths he’d been handling on his own for so many years. I didn’t know if I could do such a thing. It would have been vain of me to think myself the only thing or person that could make him happy. But I wanted to be one to make him happy, to take part in his journey to find peace. I wanted to make him forget about his dreadful past and build a future with him.

  Our two broken souls would somehow succeed in doing so, in picking up the pieces, in making ourselves whole again.

  “I’m sorry,” Adélie said, and stopped behaving hysterically. “It’s just that I didn’t expect this, and I’m glad. I don’t know where you guys are, and won’t ask you about it, but if you want to talk, obviously I’m here for you. And I don’t want to pressure you or anything. I overreacted. It’s your own story, and you shall live it as you see fit.”

  “Thank you,” I smiled with relief. “I was afraid you were gonna go berserk and get starting on the wedding plans and the kids’ names…

  “You’re planning on getting married and having kids?!” she rejoiced, her eyes filled with joy. “But that’s ama….”

  “NO! Adélie, no,” I interrupted. “I was kidding. Take a chill pill. No wedding, no kids, at least not for another ten years.”

  “Oh, okay. Sure, yeah, got it, I got carried away.”

  “Kind of. Don’t ever do that again, please, I still have trouble understanding that we’re each other’s soulmates, so for now, I’m not thinking about that stuff, I’m just trying to figure everything out and see what happens, you know?”

  “Yeah, I see. I’ll try to control myself,” she promised.

  “Thank you. And if you could keep it to yourself for now, that’d be great.”

  “Of course. Mum’s the word,” she winked.

  “Great,” I smiled. “And I guess that now it’s okay for me to check Johan’s room, you know, Johan, my soulmate?”

  “Of course it’s okay! I understand now, this desire to know everything, and the way you reacted when you’d found out I didn’t tell you the truth… I’m sorry about that,” she apologized.

  “It’s forgotten,” I assured her, smiling still.

  She smiled back and took me in her arms. I tried to hug her too, but I still had trouble being physically close to the witches. Hopefully, it would get easier in time. But either way, I was glad I had this little chat with Adélie, and I was glad we’d made up. I understood her fears, and she was part of my life and Johan’s, so I’d do my best nothing ever happened to her or Esthelle, and let alone Johan. I hoped nothing would come across these bonds I’d created with the witches. After all, I owed them much, and they were family just as much as my pack was.

  I light-heartedly left Adélie, who was on cloud nine. Her enthusiasm was pleasing. Thanks to my explanations, her concern had vanished. I walked down the hall and did my best not to listen or look into Esthelle’s room, but it was easier than I thought — I couldn’t wait any longer, I had to see where he lived.

  I went out in the hot night. The sun was gone, but it was still terribly warm on this side of the planet. This stifling heat made me want to spend my life in the shower. With the keys in hand, I walked towards the annex, a couple feet away from the house.

  I felt watched. Probably Ryan. But there was nothing he could do to arm me now. I wasn�
�t afraid of him anymore, and he could stalk as much as he wanted, he probably had nothing else to do anyway. But there was this little apprehensiveness in my heart, and so I hurried towards the room. I put the key in the lock, and after a deep breath, I walked in.

  Johan’s scent immediately obstructed my nose, but it felt good, because it made me feel at home in this dark room. I already missed him so much… I shook my head to get rid of this sadness and looked around.

  The room was actually one big living-room, and an open-plan kitchen. The walls were painted in this beautiful, light-grey color, which meant that in the daylight, the two windows would brighten this masculine, rectangular room. It wasn’t very big, but there was enough furniture to make you feel comfortable.

  There was a leather-black couch in the top left corner, and opposite hung this giant flat-screen TV. In between laid a glass coffee-table over a grey rug, which contrasted with the dark parquet. Another black rug had been placed under the TV, and it merged with the wooden floor. Weird. And everything was so somber!

  On the right-side, the kitchen was simple: white sink, coffee-machine on the countertops — dark again! and they matched the many cupboards. Yes! My soulmate loved coffee. A black table stood opposite of the kitchen. Everything was tidy and clean. But something was off. Where was his bed? The bathroom? His personal stuff?

  I went back to the door and locked it — safety first! — before wandering around the room. There was nothing on the walls, no pictures, no paintings. Just this panel of grey and black tones. Even the pillows on the black couch were black! I opened the kitchen cupboards and discovered cutlery and plates. Black too. I mean, come on! How depressed was he, to forbid color in his home? I was going to make him look at life through rose-tinted glasses, and fast!

  There was nothing in the fridge except expired yogurt, soda and beer. No…. Beer? I never would have thought that was his thing. Well, I didn’t know much about him and that was the most exotic thing I discovered in this futile investigation. I closed the fridge and kept on investigating. How could he not have a bed? Wait. The rug under the TV! Who puts a rug under a TV? Did he fear it would drop and he wanted to amortize its fall? No, of course not.