She-Wolf I

by Gaëlle Bonnassieux

  He always said or did the right things to soothe me. I was lucky to have a soulmate like him. Kind. Gentle. Sweet. Understanding. Hot. With a ravishing smile that ravished my heart. I liked him. Wait, no need to use euphemisms, I loved him. “You’re my everything too, Johan. You’re the greatest thing in my life,” I whispered. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

  “I… Mad’, I feel so guilty… You’re tight, I did do everything I could, but I can’t help thinking that I could have handled things better. And I feel so ashamed for taking away the only family you had left… I don’t know how I could get over it.”

  “You can always handle things better. But in that case, I don’t think you could have. I understand how you feel, maybe you’ll always feel this way. But I don’t blame you for it. I created my own pack, and they’re my family now. So are the witches. And so are you. I hope you can find the strength and the courage to forgive yourself because I already have. If you need to hear it, I forgive you, and I thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I hope that someday I'll be able to repay you.”

  “Thank you,” he smiled against my cheek. “I’ll try to forgive myself. I hope you can help me do that.”

  “Of course I’ll help you,” I agreed. “You’re staying then?”

  “You know I am,” he growled. “I don’t think I can be apart from you ever again. I’ll never leave you.”

  “Never?”

  “Never,” he promised.

  I smiled too. Now, I’d have my Johan all to myself and distance wouldn’t come between us. We could finally get to know each other better and… more if we get on. After all, my grandmother mentioned children…

  We stayed in each other’s arms for a while, in the silence of the woods. Then, I told him Bridget’s impersonation of him, and he laughed. I also told him about the final moments of my grandma, and he told me of the time he’d spent with her. Her orders, her grouching, her critics full of humor, her rage, her epic fight with Ryan, out of whom she’d ripped a lot of flesh.

  It was comforting to hear of her, to talk of her, to remember her. To accept the fact that she was really gone, and that it was sad, but it was okay because I loved her, and that she’d always be with me as long as I continued to talk of her and remember her. I had to find Johan to come to that comforting conclusion. He really was my anchor. He always had my back and always will, no matter the hardship I’d have to go through. And I hope that’d last forever.

  “Are you ready to go back home?” I eventually said. “Though I should warn you, Adélie and Esthelle might cut you in half. They missed you.”

  “Yeah, I guess I am,” he sighed. “I missed them too. Did you tell them? About us?”

  “I only told Adélie. And the members of my pack have a feeling that there is something going on, but I have no idea of what they know. Oh, and by the way, do you know that we won’t be the only soulmates in the house?” He frowned and straightened up, curious. For now, his eyes were closed. We’d switch every ten minutes to make sure our soul didn’t meet. “I’ll give you a hint: one of them is a witch.”

  “Esthelle?”

  “Bingo.”

  A sudden wave of anxiety and annoyance surrounded him. At first, I thought it was jealousy, and I was about to become jealous too, but then when I focused, I understood that Johan was just worried about the girl he considered his little sister. She’d probably been with other people before, but having a soulmate was very different from mere relationships, and I understood how he could be worried, especially since the current state of affairs between the two lovebirds. “It can’t be Milo, since he’s still trying to take you away from me… So… Daniel? That’s weird, they wouldn't make a great match to me…?”

  “You should be more open-minded,” I reprimanded him softly.

  He turned white when he understood my meaning. He didn’t look shocked or disgusted, only surprised, and even more worried. It was already hard enough to have a soulmate, so people who had one of the same sex as theirs… Well actually, forget that, it didn’t mean anything. Even if things had been complicated at first, the girls seemed to tolerate each other and get along just fine now.

  “Lola?” he asked.

  “Lola,” I answered.

  “Good. It would have been too weird if it was Clemencia. Or worse, the vampire!”

  “You don’t like Bridget?” I asked, a bit surprised and upset.

  “Well she is likeable when she’s not complaining. And I don’t mind vampires at all, it's just that I’m not as open-minded as you are, and seeing my little witch sister in a relationship with a vampire woman that’s like ten years older than her, it would have been a hard pill to swallow.”

  I almost smiled, but it was still painful. My zygomatic area was sore, it was a long time since I had a proper smile. It would have been a hard pill for my grandma to swallow too, so I understood what he meant. I went back into his arms and closed my eyes — it was his turn to look. He scrutinized my face and my body closely. I always knew when he’d do that because I could feel his gaze set me on fire. It was a weird and intense sensation, but I loved it. He caressed my cheek and kissed my forehead.

  “I really liked your room, by the way,” I said as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

  “You went into my room?”

  “Totally. I even stole a T-Shirt and slept in your bed.”

  “You slept in my bed without me? Well that’s a shame, we should remedy that quickly.” His thumb grazed my lips as a real smile blossomed on my face.

  That would be so lovely! And from now on, I’d be able to discover who he was. Eat with him, find out the things he loved, sleep with him, watch him sleep, shower with him, run with him, talk to him as much as I wanted to… I was already looking forward to it. Obviously, I’d miss our little notes, but it was all a blessing in disguise since I’d have my messenger all to myself.

  “Let’s go?” I asked, eager and worried to see how everyone would react.

  “Let’s go,” he answered, and his voice was smiling.

  Here we went. Our life together was starting, for good. I was impatient.

  Chapter 27

  On the way back home — home which was haunted by the others and their reactions to come — neither of us spoke. Johan was holding my hand and our fingers were intertwined, as if it were a habit of ours. I had talked so much already I didn’t want to say anything anymore. Yet there were so many things left unsaid.

  Sadness was still weighing on my shoulders, and if it did vanish during our alone time, it was now back in its old spot, that is in the middle of my heart. It stopped me from gibbering as usual, it had turned my tongue to stone. Johan knew that. He could have gotten me to talk or entertain me, but he had issues too — his conscience and his guilt were fighting relentlessly. And maybe he was also dreading the reunion with our friends. How would the witches react? Would they accept him back into their home, since he’d been gone for so long? And the pack… Would Milo manage to get along with my soulmate? I guess he wouldn’t. But I wanted things to go as smoothly as possible. After everything I’d been through these last couple weeks, I wanted the wheel of fortune to turn in my favor.

  As we reached the house, I saw Bridget playing with Colin in the front yard, under Clemencia’s watchful eye. There was no need to look into our pack-links. I knew that she didn’t like vampires much, but at least she was trying, and that’s what mattered. And besides, Bridget seemed to pull it off — Colin was running after her, and then she ran so fast she vanished before reappearing again, and the child was both impressed and amused. I was surprised because my friend wasn’t much of a child-person, like myself. But either way, I appreciated the fact that she was getting involved in our life. Maybe she just wanted everyone to like her so that she might become part of the pack.

  As soon as she saw us, Bridget left Colin and joined us, with a devilish smile on her angelic face. “Hey there Johan. Done being a drama queen?”

  “Apparently,
” he said, looking straight so that our eyes might not meet. “I forfeit. No one can beat you to it.”

  The vampire winced — she wasn’t expecting that kind of an answer. She shrugged and went back into the house. She absolutely adored my attic and spent most of her time there. Damn those bats! Colin was apparently feeling deflated, and so he skittered over to us. He looked at Johan cautiously, and frowned while glancing at me to see what my opinion of this man was. I bit my tongue not to smile. After all, he’d never met Johan, and didn’t seem thrilled to do so.

  “Hello tiger,” my soulmate said, kneeling so that he might not tower over him that much — the problem is that he let go of my hand in the process.

  Colin avoided him as if he was a dog with rabies and went towards me. He clung onto one of my legs, while holding his little toy cars, and kept on staring at that tall, terrifying man. I understood how he felt. He’d guessed that unlike Milo, Johan was a real wolf, and a powerful one for that matter, and given the awful examples he’d had, namely William and his father, he could only be distrustful.

  I saw deception on Johan’s face, but he stood back up and remained stone-faced while Clemencia joined us too, grateful to see the man who’d led her here. “You must be Johan,” she said with a big smile, and since he nodded affirmatively, she went on. “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for us, thank you so much. And don’t mind my son, he’s just not a big fan of male wolves.”

  “Don’t worry, I understand completely,” he answered with kindness. “And there is no need to thank me, it was my … well, it wasn’t my pleasure but I’m glad you’re all here safe and sound.”

  Since Colin was shaking my leg, I took him in my arms so he might stop. Obviously, Clemencia liked Johan, and that was a good thing. One thing not to worry about. I hoped he would like him eventually as well. I didn’t want to rush things, so we dropped it. Even if Johan was affected and he didn’t show it, I could feel it.

  I guess it was a good thing that I was holding Colin because otherwise I might have just committed murder. Esthelle, hearing Johan, had just ran towards him and threw herself in his arms. A muffled anger filled my soul. Jealousy and possessiveness woke my she-wolf. We rarely agreed on things but now… He was hugging the little witch, smiling, while she kept on rambling about how she’d missed him and how she was happy to see him. I was not happy to see them so. That someone else should touch him! It was unacceptable.

  I tried to reason myself because I did realize how preposterous my reaction was. Esthelle had a soulmate of her own, and besides, she was like a sister to Johan. There was nothing romantic or sexual between the two of them, and I couldn’t get hot under the collar every time someone touched him.

  I was doing my best to tame the animal inside, as well as this anger eating me alive. It was the first time in my life I was feeling something like this, I wasn’t usually jealous or possessive. Okay, maybe I was a little, but I never thought I could be this much. It was barely bearable. I actually wanted to hurt Esthelle. I needed to control myself. This behavior was unacceptable. I muzzled my she-wolf — she growled annoyingly — but I managed to bury her in the meanders of my mind until she disappeared, along with those angry emotions.

  Jealousy suddenly vanished, possessiveness faded away, but it didn’t leave me for good, which meant that the human in me, and not just my primal instincts, were responsible for those feelings. Fine, I’ll work on that! There was no way I’d let myself turn into a bossy, castrating partner.

  My little personal crisis was noticed. Clemencia looked at me with interrogation, and Lola, who’d just showed up, sent positive and understanding vibes because she was feeling the same way, seeing Johan holding her soulmate. And as for mine, he didn’t look at me, but he was smiling mockingly. Oh, you’ll get what you deserve, big guy!

  Esthelle seemed determined not to let him go. I took a deep breath and looked away. Once the witch would find out about him and I, maybe it’ll be easier because all of us would be on the same page. Lola remained on the threshold of the house, but she waved and smiled at Johan. It was not that she didn’t like him, it was just that like Colin, she wasn’t fond of male alphas, and remained on her guard. I could sense her gratitude though, and he probably felt it too, because he gave her a bright smile in return.

  Adélie finally showed up, followed by Danny and Milo. She was ice-cold when she saw the man she considered her son. No doubt she was still upset about him having left so suddenly and without calling, as well as his maneuvers. But I was positive she’d forgive him eventually. They looked at each other without saying anything for a while, but that look was full of innuendos. They understood each other. The witch yielded; Johan won. I expected no less from an alpha — being one wasn’t just about wolves; it did grant you some influence on other species as well.

  Adélie smiled, and her face was filled with light. She’d forgotten for a moment all of the remonstrances she wanted to say to him. I didn’t doubt the fact that she’d lecture him soon enough, in private. She walked towards him and held him tight. Jealousy tried to control me again, but I pushed it away easily. I was better than that. And besides, the way Adélie was holding Johan reminded me of motherly love. He held her back, gently, and I finally understood how much he cared for her and Esthelle. He loved the three of us, but in three different ways. There was no need for me to be jealous. The situation was already crystal clear.

  “So nice of you to join us!” she reprimanded him, whipping him with a kitchen-towel.

  “I know. I’m niceness itself.”

  She looked daggers at him, but she did smile. She stepped back, and Danny timidly stood in front of Johan. They also stared into each other’s eyes for some time, and they told each other in silence what words could not say. They’d fought side by side, and they were both feeling guilty about my grandma. At least she’d created bonds between the two of them, awesome.

  Johan ended up bro-hugging him, in a brotherly and fatherly way. Danny seemed to be feeling awkward, but I knew that deep down, he respected, admired and cared for him. How cute! That was going smoother than I expected. Oh no, wait, I’d thought too fast.

  Milo didn’t like seeing us seething with excitement around Johan. His death stare gave it away. My soulmate stared at him disdainfully too, but then looked away, ignoring him. I could have felt his annoyance miles away. Well, only one out of the eight in them wasn’t fond of him, it could have been worse. The others seemed to be alright with him, Milo was the only one feeling this undeniable hatred towards him. The next couple days would probably be filled with emotion, but I didn’t mind. We were all smart and thoughtful adults. It would be a shame for the two males of the group to kill each other.

  “Why don’t we all go grab a bite?” Adélie offered to break the tense silence that had settled in. “You’re but skin and bones, Johan!”

  “Am I?” he asked with an amused smile. He was not. He was skin, bones and muscle! A Greek God.

  I put Colin down, and he ran into the house, apparently thrilled at the prospect of eating. Feelings he didn’t always understand sometimes fell on him, and those feelings were those of grief, but aside from that, he was still a candid and happy child. He understood, in a way, what happened between all of us, and he could feel the emotions of the pack, but he was just a little boy. He wanted to play with his toys, spend time with his mommy and eat some candy. I wish I could be like him. But I wasn’t, and I did know what grief, pain and sadness actually were. My worst enemies, but also my allies. Without those, I wouldn’t even be part human.

  As he realized I wasn’t feeling my best, Johan came closer to me, always making sure our eyes didn’t meet. He grabbed my hand, and kissed my palm, in front of everybody else, before actually holding my hand and intertwining our fingers. His touch soothed me, and all the pack felt it.

  Lola smiled from ear to ear and Milo, obviously hurt and angry, went back into the house without saying a word. He already knew that Johan and I were connected, somehow, but to
see it actually made it real. I was shaken by both of their attitudes. I was being a smart Alec, but in truth, I just wanted everything to go as smoothly as possible. It was an utopian thought to expect everyone to get along just fine, but I needed to believe in something utopian so I could keep my mind busy and try to move on. I’ll tell the guys about it, maybe they’ll listen and try to be more civil with one another in the future.

  “Come on, let’s all go inside!” Adélie said enthusiastically. “There’s enough room for everyone.”

  I didn’t want to be with the others and witness how happy the witches were. It may be selfish, but I had the right to be selfish from time to time. Yet Johan caressed my hand in a reassuring way, and I followed him inside, dragging my feet. Esthelle seemed dumbfounded to see what was happening between Johan and I. As we sat side by side, ready to eat, she put her foot in her mouth. “Are you guys glued together or what?” she teased sitting in front of her foster brother.

  It made me uncomfortable. Only Adélie knew about the two of us, even it was blindingly obvious that we were… together, sort of. They didn’t know that it had happened beyond our will, that it was a matter of fate, or destiny, something greater than ourselves that had brought us together. They didn’t know that we were meant to be together, and that we’d remain together until death tore us apart. But actually… I was quite aware of that. It made me feel content, but it was also terrifying. How was I supposed to handle it? It was so huge it was beyond me. I got rid of Johan’s hand that laid on my thigh. He frowned but didn’t say anything.

  “You guys are being weird,” the little witch insisted. “Are you together or something? Because that’d be like super weird since you barely know each other.”