Pride and Joy

by M. L. Rice

  Leah smiled and reached across the table. Bryce did the same, and the feeling of her hands enveloped warmly in Leah’s made her heart melt.

  “Bryce?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I am your friend for life. You call me if you ever need anything, okay?”

  “You too…but with me.”

  They both burst out laughing, and although Bryce knew that both of their hearts were breaking, she also knew that what they had shared together had forged a bond that would connect them as confidantes and best friends for life. She felt a security and fullness in her soul knowing that no matter what happened, Leah would always be there for her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Bryce took a deep breath before walking into her house. Pastor Harold’s Range Rover was sitting in the driveway again and she knew she was in for another evening of unbearable and patronizing conversion talk.

  “No time like the present,” she said under her breath and turned the knob, poised to sprint even before the door had started to open.

  She took off as fast as she could up the stairs and made it to her room before her father had even reached the first step. She fumbled for the lock and had it clicked into place by the time all of the footsteps had reached her.

  “Bryce! Come out of that room this instant!” her mother demanded as she banged on the door.

  She backed away from the door and sat down slowly on her bed. Even in her dread of returning home, she hadn’t expected this kind of greeting.

  She didn’t answer and her father spoke with quiet authority. “Bryce Lee Montgomery. Do what your mother says or I’ll break this door down.”

  She knew he wouldn’t.

  Pastor Harold spoke in a softer voice to her mother, “Cynthia, this is not the way to gain back your daughter’s trust. Let me try.” In a louder voice directed at her door, he continued, “Bryce, honey, your parents are just worried about you. Mrs. Coulson called them about what happened at the Path of the Covenant meeting, and they want to discuss it with you. That’s all.”

  His voice was saccharine and dripping with condescension. Bryce’s stomach curdled.

  “Come on out of your room, sweetie, so we can talk with you about it. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”

  When she didn’t respond her father boomed, “Bryce! We will not allow this kind of behavior in our house! We raised you to be obedient and respectful! Open up this goddamn door!”

  To which her mother replied, “Ben! Language!”

  Her father sounded angrier than she had ever heard him. She curled up in a ball on her bed and faced away from the tirade. She had decided to not flaunt her sexuality in front of them, but that didn’t mean they had to force their bigoted ideas down her throat and treat her like some kind of disgusting insect who had infested their home. Her heart was breaking.

  Eventually, after a short while of both shouting and pleading for her to come out of her room, the adults who were making her feel so damn good about herself finally left to go back downstairs. Bryce sat up and pulled her computer out of her nightstand drawer, setting it on her legs as it powered on. When it was up and running she opened the chat software and was relieved to see that both Arati and Jennifer were signed in.

  She invited them to a video chat and within seconds she saw both of their faces gazing worriedly at her from her screen.

  Arati spoke first. “What’s going on with you, Bryce? We haven’t heard from you in like five days. Not cool.”

  Bryce took a deep breath. “Settle in, guys, it’s story time.”

  After explaining the disturbing events of the last week to her best friends, they all decided that Bryce would take turns spending the night at their houses. Bryce wasn’t running away from home exactly, but she was going to have to limit her exposure to the viral nature of her parents’ behavior until she left for school. Only two weeks to go…

  *

  Bryce stayed home that night, but the next morning on her way to the pool she knocked on her parents’ bedroom door, knowing her father had already left for work. Her mother had just gotten out of bed and was puffy-eyed as if she had been crying all morning. Bryce’s stomach clenched. Still, she knew what she had to do.

  “Mom, I just wanted to tell you that Jennifer and Arati have invited me to stay with them for the next two weeks.”

  Her mother said nothing.

  “You know, because we’re all about to go to different schools and all. We want to…you know…have more time together…before we all leave.”

  Her mother’s eyes narrowed. “You’re going to stay with that awful Leah girl.”

  Bryce was stunned. “No! No, I’m not. Mom, I had a talk with Leah and we decided that…well, Leah is just a friend. I don’t want to hurt you, so I’m not going to see her…like that…anymore.” It felt good to show her mother that even though she couldn’t stand those brainwashing meetings, she was willing to make some concessions for the benefit of her parents’ feelings. She smiled slightly to prove her good intentions and raised hopeful eyebrows even though the indignity of having to go through this charade at all still really pissed her off.

  Tears streamed down her mother’s face as she sobbed, “What has happened to you? My sweet little girl! What did I do wrong?”

  The blood drained from Bryce’s face. What was she supposed to say? Apparently compromises were no longer part of this twisted game. Bryce realized that nothing she did would ever be good enough again. She was tainted. She was soiled with the most appalling sin of all in her mother’s eyes. She was damaged and would no longer receive the support, the love, and the adoration of her parents.

  She wanted to rail at her mother. Scream at her for her ignorance and her hurtful words, but she also wanted to hold her and make the pain she had caused melt away. This angered her more, because she knew deep down she shouldn’t have to feel guilty for being gay.

  So she just stood there; dumbstruck and shaking.

  Her mother tried to regain her composure and then reached out and took Bryce’s hands in her own. “Honey, we can get through this. Just tell me one thing…”

  Bryce was doubtful of her mother’s intentions. Maybe she was finally trying to understand her and could see how hard it was for Bryce to inadvertently hurt her family like this. Maybe she was willing to put in the time and effort that it took to accept her only daughter. Bryce looked with trepidation into her mother’s eyes and squeezed her hands, trying to hold back the small spark of hope.

  “Sweetie, I want you to think about what will happen to you when you die and have to spend an eternity in the hell of your own creation. Think about what it will be like. Tell me if you’re prepared for that and then tell me if you want to continue this disgusting farce of being a…a lesbian.”

  A wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm Bryce as an icy numbness spread from her head to her toes. She swayed on her feet and jerked her hands out from her mother’s as if they had been burned. She looked deep into the eyes of the woman who had given her life, who had nursed her hurts, and who had always beamed with pride at her accomplishments. In them she now saw only a hysterical fervor. Her mother no longer recognized the daughter she had known and loved, but saw her as some kind of demon or lost soul that she couldn’t exorcise or save.

  Bryce turned around slowly and walked out of the house, her mother yelling after her. She tried not to listen. The only words that filtered through the buzz in her head were “hell,” “damned,” “ashamed,” and “disgusting.” She was glad she couldn’t hear the others.

  The drive to the pool seemed to take hours as the horror of what her own mother had just said to her bored through her brain, driving out all but the most basic thoughts needed to get her safely to her destination. Her body was still numb and although she felt like thrashing about and screaming until she was hoarse, she just sat in a stupor and drove.

  She worked a full shift at the pool that day, and even though she was completely drained and sticky with an oversaturation of su
nscreen by the time the pool closed, she still dove into the water with relish once she was alone. The cool splash banished the numbness that had plagued her all day, and as she became buoyant, the weight that had been slammed onto her shoulders seemed to lessen. In the water she was free. Free to be who she was, free to dream about her future, and free to entertain whatever thoughts she wanted to have without fear of damnation.

  She swam until the sky turned a brilliant West Texas orange and her skin was wrinkled and begging for a dry towel. As she pulled her exhausted body out of the pool and dried off, she tried to decide if she would go home tonight to get clothes or just head straight over to Jennifer’s house. Jennifer’s summer job was at her mother’s law firm, so Bryce knew that she had already gotten off of work several hours ago. She would be waiting for her, but Bryce also didn’t want to leave things as she had with her mother.

  She would go home to get her change of clothes.

  She would tell her parents she loved them.

  She would leave for the night.

  It was that simple.

  Wasn’t it?

  When she arrived home there were no strange cars in the driveway, but all of the lights in the house were off. It took her a moment to figure out why this made her feel so uneasy. As she parked and got out of her car, it hit her with a wave of despair: the front porch light that was always, always left on to guide her home at night was also off. The house was completely dark. Unwelcoming. Cold. This one subtle act of disapproval by her parents was what finally broke her. Bryce leaned back against her car and cried.

  Covering her face with her hands, she gasped for air and hiccupped as the tears flowed freely down her face. She scrambled back into her car so she could hide her breakdown from anyone who might be looking, thankful she always kept tissues in her glove box. When her throat was scratchy and she had calmed herself down somewhat, she decided to go ahead and enter the house to get her change of clothes.

  Wiping her eyes she trudged up the sidewalk, finally reaching the front door. She put her key in the lock and turned, but the door had been bolted from the inside. It wouldn’t budge. Adrenaline shot through her as a sickening fear gripped her. Pretending to be unbothered, she walked around to the kitchen door on the side of the house. It too barred her entrance to the house. She looked through the kitchen window and thought she saw a moving shadow in the living room, but it stilled as she watched.

  She didn’t want to ring the doorbell only to have her entreaties go unanswered, so she walked around to the other side of the house where a large pecan tree stood next to her bedroom window. She and her father had nailed pieces of wood to the tree when she was a child so that she could climb up onto a small platform he had built for her. Her heart ached with the memory, but she stoically climbed up and sat on the edge of the warped wood. A sharp pang of loss pierced her heart when she saw the weathered carving next to where she sat. Daddy’s Little Girl. A lopsided heart encircled the words. She turned her head back to the house with effort, and from where she sat she was able to reach out across the empty space to her bedroom window and lift it open. She never kept it locked. She realized now how unsafe that was, but still, it served her well at this particular moment.

  She climbed into her room and listened quietly for a minute before moving further. She heard no movement in the house. Instead of grabbing only the intended change of clothes for the next day, she pulled out her largest duffel bag and stuffed all of her favorite jackets, sweaters, shirts, shorts, and jeans into it, not knowing if she would be able to return home before she left for the Coast Guard Academy’s Swab Summer.

  She had to be prepared for the worst. She also grabbed her backpack and in it packed her favorite books, her computer, her academy correspondence, the plane ticket to New London, her favorite photos, and all of the cash she had been saving from her job. If she had to leave home for good tonight, she was ready. Her bags were filled to the point of barely being able to close properly, but the weight of them had nothing on the weight in her heart that threatened to send her spiraling into a deep depression.

  With her backpack slung over her shoulders, she tossed the laden duffel bag out of the window and followed it back to her tree platform, taking one last painful look at her room, her trophies, the leftover photos of her family and friends, and the closed door on the opposite side of the room. She knew she had made a lot of noise, but her parents hadn’t come to check on her. Locking the doors hadn’t been an accident. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had hoped there was a reasonable explanation, but now she knew she was no longer welcome in her own home.

  Fighting the urge to cry again, she slowly climbed down the tree. She hefted the heavy duffel bag over her shoulder and walked slowly to her car. She risked one last glance back at the house and saw two shadowy figures turn away from the front window. It took every bit of willpower she had to straighten her back and walk away. She threw the duffel and backpack into the trunk of her car and, taking a shaky breath, sat back down in the driver’s seat. Her heart shattered as she drove away from the house where she had spent her entire life. She didn’t look back again.

  *

  Jennifer saw Bryce’s puffy eyes and immediately hurried her upstairs to her bedroom, waving off her mother as she came to welcome her. When they were alone Jennifer took the heavy bags from Bryce and set them neatly in the corner. Bryce stood like a statue in the middle of the room, unsure what to do next.

  “Come on. Take your shoes off and make yourself comfortable on the bed.”

  Bryce did as she was told, preferring to just follow directions than have to think for herself. She leaned up against the headboard and stared at the far wall, trying to stop the jumble of fear and agony in her head.

  Jennifer grabbed her phone and dialed quickly. “Arati, code red. Come over ASAP.” She hung up without saying more and turned to Bryce. “She’ll be here in five. Hang on just a sec, I’ll be right back, okay?”

  Bryce nodded and continued staring at nothing.

  When Jennifer reentered the room she carried a box of tissue, a carton of skim milk with three glasses, and a huge bucket of brownie bites. She carefully set everything on her nightstand and then chewed on a fingernail as if she were trying to figure out what else they’d need for the night.

  Bryce couldn’t help but smile. This was so like Jennifer. Always prepared for any eventuality. She decided her friend was truly missing her calling as a therapist, having chosen to study zoology.

  Tentatively Jennifer joined Bryce, sitting cross-legged across at the end of the bed facing her. She opened her mouth to speak, but—

  Arati burst into the room. “What happened? What did I miss?” She took one look at Bryce’s face and jumped onto the bed next to Jennifer, a worried frown on her normally happy features.

  “Bryce?” Jennifer began. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

  Bryce let out a huge sigh and told them about her fight with her mother before work and how she was “welcomed” home afterward.

  “Wait,” Arati said, anger creasing her brows, “your parents kicked you out of the house for good?”

  “Looks that way, yeah,” said Bryce, emotionless.

  “But we’ve known your parents for years.” Arati looked at Jennifer, who nodded in agreement. “They don’t seem like they could ever do something like that. They love you more than life itself.”

  Bryce laughed mirthlessly. “Apparently not.”

  Jennifer placed a consoling hand on Bryce’s knee, “Honey, don’t think like that. You know they still love you.”

  Tears welled unbidden into Bryce’s eyes as Jennifer continued, “They’re just confused and scared. They’ve never known a gay person before and they don’t understand that you’re still their sweet little girl.”

  Bryce clenched her fists and said through gritted teeth, “What are they supposed to think when their distorted brand of religion has convinced them that their only daughter is an abomination? Jenn, no amount of reason wi
ll convince them otherwise. They’re not logical or rational like you guys. Hell, they’re still pissed about the schools teaching safe sex in health class instead of just abstinence. That with Saltus having one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the country. Brilliant, if you ask me.”

  Her friends nodded as one in understanding. Arati ventured, “Do you want us to go with you to talk to them? Maybe if they see that your friends still love and accept you they’ll realize that it’s not such a big deal.”

  Bryce closed her eyes and leaned her head back. “It won’t work. I gave her some helpful websites to check out, but she couldn’t read them for more than a minute before closing them in disgust and locking herself in her room to pray.”

  The room fell silent. No one knew what else to say, so Arati held up the tub that sat between them and said, “Brownie bite?”

  This was why she loved her friends. And this is why being away from them would be even harder than she had thought it was going to be.

  “I just have one favor to ask you guys,” Bryce said thickly through a mouthful of delicious chocolate.

  “Shoot.” Jennifer replied.

  “Don’t tell your parents what actually happened, all right?”

  Jennifer gave her a confused look.

  “It’s just that I don’t want any attention drawn to this. One: it’s embarrassing for me personally, and two: it doesn’t actually show my parents in the best light, does it?”

  “That it does not.” Arati scowled.

  “So anyway, let’s just keep this between us, okay?” Bryce held out her pinkie and the other two linked their own with hers. “Okay. Thanks, guys. For everything.”

  Arati and Jennifer both leaned forward to pull Bryce into a hug.

  “You’ll get through this,” Jennifer whispered in her ear. “At least now we get to hang out pretty much non-stop until you have to leave!”