All We Have

by Len Webster

  Clenching her eyes shut, she focused on her breathing. Pining over Rob had turned into being tortured by him. Ally exited her room and went down the hall towards the bathroom. Once inside, she went to the shower, opened the door, and twisted the hot water knob. When water spurted out, she slipped off the silk robe and let it fall to the ground. Moments later, hot droplets hit her skin as she stepped into the steaming shower. The glass door shut behind her and Ally let the scorching water burn away the feel of Rob’s touch on her skin. Setting her hand on the shower wall, Ally had leant against it for a second before she pressed the side of her body against the tiles and sank down to the floor, sobbing. The pain vibrated against her chest and thinned the air in her lungs.

  She’d given her body over to the man she loved, and it was far from being enough. Nor was her bleeding heart.

  Glancing down at her red skin, Ally appreciated what the hot water had done to her. Though she had washed the blood away, she still felt him on her skin. Still remembered him pulling out of her with that revulsion in his expression. Saving herself had been a mistake. She had thought it was the one thing she had control over. But not even giving Rob her virginity was enough to feel justified and wanted. Not enough to make her feel loved by him.

  She had no idea how long she was in the shower. Ally had been in there long after the hot water had turned into ice blanketing her body. Though her body was soaked, she wasn’t clean. Not emotionally. And definitely not mentally. Parts of her shouted that she deserved it. The thought pounded her temples. Another part of her believed there was a reason. But the largest part of her foolish heart had told her it was Fate.

  It was what it was.

  How it should have been.

  She had given him a chance.

  And his actions rolled through her like booming lightning. Spectacular and horrifying up close.

  That was Robert Moors.

  Ally breathed out and entered her room to find Stevie sitting on her bed. She squinted and then her mouth dropped when she noticed what Stevie held in her hands. Nausea returned. Hit her like a wave against a cliff face. Ally swallowed hard as Stevie’s vibrant and disbelief-filled eyes met her.

  “Number ten,” Stevie read out loud. “If the worse happens, ask to be put on the transplant waiting list.”

  “Stevie,” she said, trying to control her shaky voice.

  Her friend shook her head. Tears brimmed as her hands trembled. “Number five.” She paused. “Consider dialysis.”

  Ally didn’t say a word, watching the tears Stevie cried. Someone loved her enough to cry over her health. She might not have found the love she wanted from Rob, but she had Stevie’s.

  “Number eleven. If you’re able to, without ever thinking you’re never gonna make it, fall in love someday. I was changing your sheets and it was under your pillow. What is this?”

  She was finally coming clean. And it felt strange that she would be able to confide in someone other than her bodyguard and her doctor. Ally straightened her spine and squared her shoulders. She knew she had to express confidence so she wouldn’t worry one of the greatest friends she had ever had.

  “I’m sick, Stevie,” Ally finally revealed. “I have chronic kidney disease.”

  The paper fell out of her hands and Ally walked over and picked it up. Then she sat on the bed next to her.

  “How long?”

  “How long have I been sick?”

  She nodded.

  “Almost two years. I found out after my eighteenth birthday. My family doesn’t know, Stevie.”

  Stevie shook her head in disbelief. “Why?”

  Ally wrapped her arm around Stevie and rested her head on her shoulder. Now, she understood why Clara treasured Stevie’s friendship the most. At first, Ally had been afraid of her, but at that moment, she knew that she was loyal. “It’s easier that way. My family is going through so much since Clara left. My brother is somewhere in Europe finding himself. My mother is delusional about her children’s happiness. And my father is hoping I fail so that I’m at his mercy. The only other person who knows is Serge.”

  “How bad is it?” The fear in Stevie’s voice had Ally reaching for her friend’s hand and squeezing it. Attempting to reassure her.

  “I don’t know. My blood pressure is all over the place. I was careless and wanted to feel normal without the medication every day. The specialist I see in New York thinks I’ll be okay until after I’m done here in Melbourne. When I have access to my accounts, I’ll go back to the U.S. and see him. Stay there for a while.”

  “Oh, my God,” Stevie breathed and quickly got off the bed. She paced several times and then stared down at Ally. “You were sick. Your fatigue … We have to get you to a hospital … Wait. A-Are you dying?”

  Ally fiddled with her silk robe sash, unsure what to say. She breathed out and looked at her best friend. “Slowly, I am. I guess. My kidneys aren’t functioning the way they should. But hey, I’ll be okay.”

  Stevie’s vibrant blue eyes glazed over. “Rob doesn’t …”

  “No. So you can’t tell him or Julian or even Clara. Just you, Stevie. You’re the only one who can know. And I don’t want to burden Rob with my health. I don’t want to come between him and his dreams. The truth is I have nothing to offer him anymore.”

  “Ally, do you love him?”

  The question had her heart dipping. The missed beat it made caused the knot in her stomach to unfurl as the heat travelled south and in every direction.

  There’s no point in lying.

  “Yeah. I do. I love him. It’s probably for the best that tonight happened anyway. I couldn’t offer him anything. Not a future. Not children. Nothing. Take away my name and my money, and I am no one.” Her tears hit her hands. Small, perfectly circular drops of her heart’s pain.

  “You can’t have children?”

  She shook her head. “No. My specialist highly recommended that I avoid getting pregnant. More harm than good. Probably wouldn’t be alive long enough to watch my child grow up. But it’s no big deal.” A complete lie had passed her lips. It was a big deal. When her specialist told her that the pill was out of the question, he’d stressed the importance of contraception. That was when he explained that getting pregnant was not safe. Tore Ally’s heart into little fragments. She’d always wanted to be a mother and that too had been taken from her.

  Stevie crying and shaking her head had Ally getting off the bed and hugging her tightly in her arms.

  “This is so unfair,” she mumbled.

  “It’s life. Not everyone gets to be happy or healthy or have the love they want. I have to see the brighter side of all of this. He’s saved from me and my mess. I get it now. I’m relieved he doesn’t love me,” Ally confessed as she pulled back. Then she gave her roommate a sad smile. “Never thought I’d say that. But I am. I’m relieved that Rob doesn’t love me like I love him.”

  It was Sunday when Rob stood by the riverbank and gazed out at the sparkling Yarra River. It was just after eight in the morning when he had decided to go on a run instead of his usual Sunday training routine. It had been three days since he last saw Allison. He thought about calling, had even made it to her apartment a few times, but he had no idea what to say or how to even apologise. He should have been grateful that she was giving him her virginity, but something in him didn’t feel worthy. And well, he wasn’t wrong. Rob had taken her innocence in the worst way possible. A quick thrust and a retreat. Her painful cries still echoed in his ears each night. It wasn’t how he had wanted her first time to be. He had ruined that for her.

  “Thought I’d find you here,” Stevie said next to him.

  Rob hadn’t heard her walk up, but he had been lost in his thoughts. He was unable to shake off the memory of Allison’s horrified and heartbroken expression when he had pulled out of her. He should have finished. He should have been grateful that she had chosen him to be her first and given her pleasure and something memorable. But instead, he panicked. It scared him to be
her first. But when she pushed him for more, he flexed his hips and then every action after that was regret.

  “Jesus, it’s bloody freezing out here,” his brother’s fiancée cursed.

  “You’re up pretty early,” he noted.

  “You know I’m here to talk. I’ve been trying to reach you, but you keep ignoring all my calls and all my messages.”

  Finally, Rob faced Stevie and instantly noticed the disappointment on her face. Stevie hugged herself as the frown she wore had him sighing. “I know what I did was wrong. I called you to make sure she was okay. How was she?”

  “A mess,” she answered simply. “Rob, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. You ruined sex for her. You didn’t even finish. You just took her virginity and that was it.”

  “I know,” he whispered. “I fucked up. I keep fucking up with her. I love her and I do this to her.”

  “You love her?” Stevie sounded surprised.

  Great.

  Now, someone other than his brother knew.

  “Yeah. I love Allison. I lusted over you. I’m in love with her,” he revealed and then ran his palms over his face in frustration.

  “Come on,” she said.

  Rob flinched when she grasped his hand. There was no surge of electricity. No slowing of his heart or his breathing. There was nothing. He felt absolutely nothing from Stevie’s touch, and it amazed him. It made him so sure of the fact he was in love with Allison. His brother’s fiancée led them to a bench that was similar to the one he and Allison had sat on the night they had met. He missed her. His heart ached for her. His whole body needed her. But his brain knew sense and reality. He’d lost her for good the moment he took her virginity and decided to get dressed and leave her.

  When they sat on the wooden bench, Stevie sighed and stared out at the river. “I have to tell you something,” she announced, not looking at him.

  “Okay.”

  “When I lost my virginity to Julian—”

  “No, Stevie, I don’t want—”

  “Too bad,” she cut him off. “When I lost my virginity to Julian, I was eighteen and fell in love with him on this spontaneous summer romance. Then I left. We had this amazing night, and I just left in the morning. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have. But I was scared. I didn’t know what to do with how I felt about him. I fell in love with your brother the moment he spotted me out of all the people on that beach.”

  “Okay,” Rob said, not sure where she was going with her story. It was almost uncomfortable to hear that the woman he thought he had loved had lost her innocence to his brother almost four years before they had met.

  She breathed out. “When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t know what to do. My stepmother gave me a number for a private investigator and I planned to find Julian. But then I lost the baby and I had this hate and this pain that I wanted to go away. So I slept with a lot of men, Rob. And that was to forget about how amazing my first time was. Ally’s a lot smarter than I was. Not saying she’ll sleep with many men like I did. But she’s gonna find someone who’ll make her forget you. I found that in Charles for a little while.”

  “I didn’t mean for it to be like that,” he tried to explain. “I just wanted it to be special for her but …”

  Stevie craned her neck and looked at him with her bright blue eyes. “Rob, I think it being with you was all the special she needed. There’s so much you don’t know about her, but you don’t give yourself or even her the chance. I finally gave into Julian, and it was the best decision I ever made. To love him openly and not be scared. Even when I knew I could lose him. I loved him more. I loved him enough to risk losing him just to be with him. I know you love Ally. But you don’t show it.”

  “What do I do? How do I fix this?” he asked, the desperation filled his voice.

  She shrugged her shoulder. “I honestly don’t know. Give her time. Figure out if you truly love her or if you’re just saying it. There has to be substance. She’s taken every bad thing you’ve done to her and she still believes in you. She cares about you, Rob. She wouldn’t have wanted it to be you unless she did. You didn’t think she was a virgin, did you?”

  “No,” he admitted. “I thought … With her lifestyle … I should stop assuming the worst in her.”

  “You should. Look, I think you need to leave her alone for a while. Let her come to you when she’s ready. Explain why you’re a dick to her then,” Stevie teased.

  Her attempt to make him laugh had him smiling instead. “Thanks, Stevie. For going to her after what I did.”

  “She’s one of my best friends, Rob. Of course, I’d go to her. However, I did leave Julian with my dad, and now, they’re the best of friends. They were texting each other yesterday. It’s strange. And you don’t have to worry, I didn’t tell Julian about what happened. He’s really protective over Ally. But I do have to ask you a question.”

  “Sure,” he encouraged.

  “Why do you want to win a gold medal so much?” The curiosity shone brightly in her eyes.

  Why do I want to win one?

  Why do I want to win one so much and hurt Allison so badly?

  It was hard for him to talk about the real reason. There were so many but the real one still grieved him. “I promised my mum I’d win one for her. She’s the one who got me into rowing.”

  “Oh,” Stevie breathed. “But it seems so much deeper than a simple promise.”

  He pursed his lips and nodded. “She died shortly after I made that promise to her. I had no idea she was dying then one day she was in the hospital. I couldn’t save her, Stevie. She had breast cancer and kept it from us. Rowing and the Olympics are all I have left of her. I want it for her.”

  “You had no idea your mother was sick?”

  He shook his head. “No. And honestly, I never want to experience something like that again. I was old enough to understand. She was my mother, and to this day, I still love her. But parts of me are still angry with her and my father for keeping it from us.”

  Stevie’s lip trembled and her eyelids fluttered. Guilt consumed her facial features. Then she quickly composed herself and nodded once. “I understand.”

  “She couldn’t ever fall in love with me, could she?” he asked in a small voice.

  She got off the bench and turned to face him, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear. “I don’t know. What are your chances of winning gold in Rio?” Then Stevie began to walk away, leaving him to mull over her question.

  Rob stood patiently at the door, waiting for it to be unlocked. Dinner at his brother’s place sounded easy. Except for the fact that his brother lived with the woman Rob loved and had hurt. His heart felt as if it were about to burst out of his chest. The nervous trembles had begun shortly after he’d pressed the button to the sixth floor. He had no idea what to expect. He’d spent the last day thinking about what Stevie had said to him. Statistically, his chances of winning gold were high. He had one of the best PB’s in the world. But he could buckle under the pressure and lose the gold as he did Allison.

  If his chances were high at winning gold, there was a chance she could fall in love with him. But what Rob wanted more was her forgiveness. He didn’t want to ruin sex for her. And he most definitely didn’t want her to sleep with men the way Stevie had described she had. It wasn’t Allison, and he was sure that she wouldn’t. Finding a way to apologise was the first task of his night. If she didn’t want to see him ever again, Rob would accept it.

  The door unlocked and was opened with Stevie, glaring at him. “You’re late.”

  “I know. I had to finalise my leave and handle things with Quinn,” he explained.

  “What’s going on with work?” she asked, stepping aside and widening the door for him to enter the apartment.

  “Nothing. I’m taking a month off work like I do before each professional competition. I still work from home, but my workload is significantly lighter. I just oversee what Quinn lets me.”

  Stevie made a humming noise. “So you take a m
onth off?”

  Rob nodded as he stepped into the apartment and heard Stevie close the door behind him. “Yeah, to train. Normally, it’s only three weeks, but with it being so close to the Olympics, I need to prepare.”

  She stepped next to him and glanced up at him. “So what are your chances?”

  “High?”

  “Yeah. But, next time, sound confident about it. Let her find herself first. Then it’s not impossible,” Stevie said, patted his arm and led him down the hall and into the kitchen. “Julian, Rob’s here.”

  His brother turned away from the stove and squinted at him with a wooden spoon in his hand. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you that it is rude to be late to a family dinner?”

  Rob glanced down to see a frilly pink apron around his brother’s waist. “Your lecture loses credibility with what you’re wearing.”

  Julian curtsied. “Thank you. It’s Clara’s. Since she and her husband aren’t here, I thought I’d wear it because I miss her. Dinner’s almost done. I’m an incredible cook. And by incredible, I mean I was made to stand here and stir.”

  “Want to help me set the table?” Stevie asked Rob.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Stevie approached Julian, checked on what was cooking and then kissed her fiancé. Rob envied them and what they had. He understood why Julian never got over Stevie. Never let go of his love for her. Rob was convinced that he was just the same. But he had made more mistakes than Julian. He saw no redemption in sight.

  Once Stevie had taken out a stack of plates from the cupboard, she returned to his side and handed them over to him. It took several minutes to set out the plates, cutlery, and glasses. By the time they were done, Julian had announced that dinner was ready. Seconds later, Jarred and Annie left the balcony, entered the apartment, and took their seats at the table.