Amish Love Saves All

by Rachel Stoltzfus

  “We simply want to learn about your family. Who’s the head of the home and how family decisions are made. What are your beliefs about family roles? Kinder? Your wife?” Deacon King purposely asked about John’s wife at the last because he wanted him to think that her position wasn’t as important as the other family members’ roles were.

  Big John was in his element. Feeling comfortable, he settled himself comfortably on his seat, gripping his coffee mug between weathered hands. “Oh, that’s easy! Our family follows conservative, traditional Amish beliefs. The husband and daed is the head of the household. He makes the decisions and everyone follows his decisions and directions. Our kinder know their place in our family and they do what I tell them. I raised my sons to be strong men, respectful of Gott and ready to be the heads of their own households when they married. I’m still teaching that to John, my youngest. He’s learning well.”

  Eli and Hannes waited for John to mention Emma.

  “John, what about Missus Andrews? What’s your wife’s role?” Eli deliberately didn’t ask whether she took part in the decision-making process.

  “We discuss things important to the family. I make all the decisions and she goes along.”

  “She has no input? She doesn’t tell you what she thinks or give you her opinions?”

  “What opinions? She doesn’t need them. What’s important is my opinion on any given question. She’s supposed to obey me, and that’s all.”

  Hearing these words, Eli suppressed a sudden shiver. I feel sorry for the womenfolk in this family. Swallowing his coffee, Eli wet his mouth. “Has she ever worked outside your home? Say, at the market or the diner, as a server?”

  “What! Nee, no way! Women don’t have any business, workin’ away from the family home. It’s for their husbands to earn the family’s income. Period! Is that what this meeting’s for? You want my wife to be able to go traipsing out there and work?”

  “Nee, John, and you know better,” said the deacon. “We are visiting every family to find out what the dynamics are. If any families are interested in adding extra income through the wife, we help them achieve that goal. If not, then that’s fine.”

  John sat back again, relaxing. “Okay. Just so you know, Emma isn’t allowed to work out there. She has plenty to keep her occupied in our house.”

  Inside the house, Lovina worked gently to get Emma Andrews to explain how things ran in her household. “Do you get to make any of the decisions, say about a big expenditure?”

  “Oh, nee!” Emma’s voice was still whispery-quiet, but she was more comfortable around Lovina. “John doesn’t believe wives have any business making decisions.”

  “Well, what about working, maybe from home? Quilting or baking, and then selling your work to earn money for the household?”

  “Nee. I’d have loved to quilt and sell them to tourists. John told me nee.”

  “Was that all he said, or did he say or do anything else?” Lovina felt her heart hammering in her chest as she waited for Emma to respond.

  Emma waited for several seconds to answer. “He got...so angry at me. He was yellin’, hollerin’ and picking things up because he wanted to throw them at me. But the kinder were all in the kitchen with us, so he couldn’t.”

  “Oh, my! I need to know this. Has he ever hit you or thrown things at you before?”

  At this question, Emma’s eyes filled with tears. “Ach, I’m sorry!” She looked quickly toward the closed back door, not wanting John to see her crying. Inhaling quickly, she regained control of her emotions. “Ya. He has hit me in the past. That seems to have stopped now that it’s only John at home with us. Now, all he does is yell, order me around and throw things when John is gone.”

  “You grew up in the same conservative community as John, ya?”

  “Ya.”

  “Did your mamm work, either baking and selling her cakes and cookies or by making and selling quilts?”

  “Ya, my daed actually said she could. He knew that as a farmer, he was never assured of a good farming year, and he knew they could put the money from her quilts back as emergency savings. And I expected I would be able to do that when I married John.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  “But it never happened, did it? What happened in bad farming years for your husband?”

  “A lot of worry—anger and worry from him. Strict budgeting. I got very gut at... Would you like to go out to the front and walk?”

  Lovina immediately agreed because she knew Emma was going to tell her something important.

  Outside, Emma continued. “I got very gut at pinching pennies and dollars in good harvest years. I hid the money and when the harvests were bad, I had that money to fall back on. I used a lot of coupons and made less-expensive meals. Still, sometimes we fell behind on bank loans. One year, the bank repossessed one of John’s farming tools. He was so mad. He blamed me, telling me that I should have somehow been able to come up with extra money in the budget. Missus King, that beating was bad. I ended up in the emergency room, with a broken rib and a broken nose.”

  Lovina shook her head, feeling sick. She felt blessed, having Hannes as her husband. “Emma, you can call me Lovina. I want to offer you the opportunity to take a place in our peer group meetings.”

  “Nee, oh, he won’t let me go! He never lets me use the buggy unless he’s with me!”

  Lovina was stunned. It took a few minutes for her tongue and throat to work again. “You mean you can’t go out by yourself, without him being with you? Does he go shopping with you? What about quilting frolics?

  “He goes shopping with me, but only when he can spare the time from farming. And frolics? I haven’t been to one since I got married. John believes that women should not be anywhere their husbands are not.”

  “Emma, he’s putting a very strict interpretation on our Ordnung. There’s nothing in there that says wives or girlfriends can’t work, and nothing that says wives can’t enjoy participating in a quilting frolic. He’s...he’s abusing you when he hits you and even when he yells at you. When he doesn’t allow you to attend social events or go shopping by yourself, he’s isolating you. This is so you can’t gain strength to resist him. And, by not allowing you to work, he is abusing you financially and telling you that you aren’t gut enough or smart enough to hold down a job.”

  Emma was only able to open her mouth. Nothing came out. Then, “But. . . John, he loves—”

  “Maybe. But he isn’t showing that in a very gut way. Emma, too many of our men here are stuck in what is called a sexist way of thinking.”

  “‘Sexist?’” Emma was shocked, and she began to feel angry. “Missus King, are you talking of...matters that better belong in the bedroom?”

  “Nee! Sexism only means that men think that women aren’t good enough to make significant family decisions, hold jobs, earn money or even make decisions about whether they will go to a quilting frolic. For all of your marriage, John has ruled you, telling you how things would be—because he believes you aren’t smart enough or even good enough to do so.”

  Emma, who had been ready to order Lovina to leave her husband’s house, closed her mouth. Sitting back on the porch swing, she pulled her shawl more closely around her shoulders. “Oh. But I am good enough! I run the household, even though I let him think he does. I budget the money and even squeeze out money here and there for emergencies.”

  Lovina nodded emphatically, nearly dislodging her head covering. “Ya, gut! Gut! I knew you had it in you! I would really like to see you at our next peer meeting. My husband and Eli Yoder are trying to convince your husband to attend as well.”

  Emma pursed her lips, pushing them out from her teeth. Shaking her head, her still-beautiful eyes grew sad again. “Nee. He will never agree to attend a meeting where the topic goes in direct disagreement with his beliefs.”

  “Hannes and I will pick you up, then. At the least, you can learn what we are struggling against. And you can get some new knowledge about how to regain some of th
e equality in your marriage to John. Simple things, like salting away a few pennies, quarters and dollars, against financial emergencies, allowing him to think he is the one running the household. You don’t have to be obvious about it. Continue agreeing with him—but, where and when you can, quietly do what you know to be right. If he tells you not to buy fabric to make new clothes, but you know you can’t repair your existing clothes anymore, buy the fabric anyway. Store it away while he’s working in the fields. And, while he’s working, sew your new clothes. If you make a new shirt for him, tell him you had fabric left over from a year or so ago. If you take part in a community meeting where someone is facing the Meidung, you don’t have to vote in agreement with him, when you know the person’s actions don’t rise to that level. Vote differently.”

  Emma was silent, thinking about everything Lovina had just advised her to do. “I need time to think. This Sunday is a Meeting Sunday, ya?” At Lovina’s nod, she sighed. “I will tell you what my decision is. At lunch. When is your next meeting?”

  “Next Thursday. Emma, there is one very important reason I want you to participate. Your son, John Junior, has been dating Beth Zook. And—”

  “She is such a sweet girl. It’s just too bad that to keep their home she and her mamm have to work so hard at the diner.”

  “You understand. Gut! Because your son has been pressuring her to leave that job. I suspect she has told him that she has to work so she and her mamm don’t lose what they have—their home and everything in it. Money must be a constant struggle for them. I strayed off topic. I’m sorry. In trying to convince her to quit her serving job, your son has used physical pressure. In the same way your husband has threatened and hit you, John Junior has hit Beth.”

  Emma gasped, feeling physical pain. “Nee! No!” She gasped again, knowing her voice could carry. With difficulty, she moderated her tone. Then, she thought back to several incidents where John Junior had taken the same attitudes and actions as his daed. Weeping, she pulled a facial tissue from her apron. “It’s true. I know that. I have seen him using the same actions that John, my husband, has used against me. Yelling. He has also thrown objects at me, trying to intimidate me. And my husband has said nothing to him.”

  Lovina was afraid for Emma and Beth. “Listen, we need to finish quickly. Beth is already a group member. She’s learning so much! That’s why I want you to participate as well.”

  “I’ll think about it and let you know Sunday at lunch.”

  “Denki. I hear the men inside. We’d better get inside ourselves.” Lovina rose and delicately helped Emma to rise. She felt protective toward the older woman, instinctively seeing her as more delicate. Nee, Lovina. If she has survived John’s treatment this long, she is much stronger than you think.

  “Wife, why were you outside?” John felt suspicious, feeling that something was up.

  “We wanted to enjoy the fall air as we talked about the Ordnung.”

  Lovina had stayed quiet on purpose, wanting Emma to give direction. “Ya, John, I learned so much from her. Now that I know you grew up and met in a conservative district, I understand your position. Are we done? I need to start dinner and begin preparations for supper. I also need to make more progress on that quilt for my customer.”

  “We’re finished. Eli?”

  “Let’s go. John, Emma, denki for opening your home to us.” Clapping his felt hat on his head, Eli led the way out. He had a lot to say. In the buggy, he leaned forward, looking across Lovina to Hannes. “Let’s go to that diner first. The one where Beth works. We need to talk, and I didn’t want to be around John or Emma.”

  “Ya, we can go for a while.” Hannes changed the horses’ direction, making their new destination the diner.

  “Lovina, what did you learn?” Eli was curious.

  “He beats and intimidates her and has never allowed her to make a decision about their household. He doesn’t even allow her to go shopping by herself or go to a quilting frolic! Because he doesn’t believe Emma should be anywhere he isn’t.” Lovina’s voice quivered, betraying her anger.

  Drawing in a deep, calming breath, her gaze moved from bare trees to quiet farms as they approached them. Feeling calmer, she spoke again. “But she has a core of strength even he hasn’t seen. She allows him to think he makes all the household decisions. She has, somehow, found a way of squeezing out a little money from the shopping budget and putting it away for emergencies. And she’s thinking about coming to our meetings. She’ll let me know after meeting on Sunday.”

  “Oh, my, it is bad there. Eli, do you think we’ll have to hide Emma for her protection?” Hannes was worried.

  “I don’t know. Lovina, John is still refusing to attend the meetings, which makes me wonder if their son will.” Eli finished speaking as they pulled into the diner’s parking lot.

  Inside, Hannes sat next to Lovina while Eli sat opposite them. “Gut morning, Miss Zook! We would like three coffees and, for me, a slice of your mother’s apple pie. Lovina, Eli?”

  Lovina ordered cookies and Eli, peach pie.

  Beth hurried off to get their orders.

  “Miss Zook, we have a small piece of gut news. Missus Andrews may agree to attend our meetings. She will let us know on Sunday.”

  Beth sagged in relief. “My boss gave me a short break. May I join you?”

  “Please do! Lovina, why don’t you explain what you learned?”

  “Beth, just like John has been treating you, his daed treats his mamm. She has managed, somehow, to survive all these years of intimidation and mistreatment. She also allows him to think that he makes every decision for their household. What this does about your decision regarding staying with John Junior, I don’t know. But we felt you should know.”

  “That it comes from what he’s seen and experienced. Ya. His anger has been out of proportion to the situation, many times. That will make my decision much easier to make. I don’t want to live as Missus Andrews has for all these years. Before my daed died, I remember seeing him treating my mamm with love and tenderness. He treated me and my brothers and sisters with love. Ya, when we were bad or did wrong, he was angry. But he never abused us. We would get one swat on our fannies and that was it. If he and Mamm argued, they settled it like adults. And they made up. That’s what I remember, and that’s what I want when I meet the right man. I thought John would be the right man. But, it appears he isn’t.”

  Lovina put her hand on Beth’s forearm and hand. “Beth, my girl, I regard you almost as one of my own daughters. I feel protective toward you. Don’t take too long in making your decision.”

  Beth sighed. Lovina’s hand on hers felt gut. “Ya. His anger has been growing. When he...hit me the last time, I thought he had broken my ribs. I hurt for days! Mamm took me to the healer and she gave me some herbs for the pain. I’m better now—no pain at all.”

  “Excellent. Now, if John’s mamm joins our group, we will be teaching her about sexism and how it affects the women here.” The discussion continued for several minutes until the group paid and went home.

  ***

  While the peer members were meeting with John’s daed, mamm and Beth, John Junior was working. As he did so, he ruminated on the distance he sensed between him and Beth. As he considered it, he grew angrier and angrier, thinking of what he could do to teach Beth a lesson. He was especially angry that he still hadn’t been successful in forcing Beth to quit her job. She’s supposed to quit, stay home and do what good Amish women do! They aren’t supposed to work outside the home. They aren’t allowed to! Unable to come up with a workable solution, he decided to talk to his daed about it. He’s been able to make Mamm do what she’s supposed to do for all these years. He’ll have the answers.

  That night, after supper, John asked his daed if they could talk about something. “I need some answers and guidance, Daed. I figured you would be the best person to guide me.”

  John Sr. smiled. These words stroked his ego. “Certainly. Let’s go to the barn. Wife! Make more
coffee, now!” John snapped his fingers.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Emma scurried to obey her husband. Then, knowing that her husband and son wanted to talk in the barn, she filled a large Thermos. Once they left, she closed her eyes in relief. Finally, a few minutes free of orders!

  In the barn, Big John turned to his son. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Daed, I have seen how you handle Mamm and my sisters. I admire you for it, for standing true to the Ordnung we lived under in Ohio. I have been ordering Beth Zook to quit her job at the diner, but she has refused. I’ve used some of your...methods to try and convince her, but still, she holds onto her job. I need your guidance, daed.”

  “Sit, son, sit. It’s clear to me that you are the one child willing to hold true to what Gott has told us. I am going to explain to you just how I have gotten your mamm and even your sisters to obey me when I tell them something. You see, I reinforce my orders to them with physical action when they are...what’s a gut word? Resistant to what I tell them to do. Years ago, before we had to leave Ohio, your mamm expressed a desire to work to bring additional money in for our family. I was stunned! She didn’t think I was earning enough, and she wanted even more! I told her nee, of course. She told me that all she wanted to do was bake and sell the goods for extra money for food. ‘We have four kinder and maybe more, if Gott wills it. If I can earn a little more, I can buy more groceries. Or I can quilt.’ I told her nee again. That I was the head of the household and my earnings were perfectly sufficient. She seemed to accept my decision as law. ‘Seemed to,’ John, because not three years later, she brought up the same bad idea. ‘Husband, the weather wasn’t kind to the crops this year. The harvest was—’ and that’s when I delivered my reinforcement, son. I backhanded her when she wouldn’t stop crying about ‘we need money.’

  “Unfortunately, I hit her hard enough that she had a big bruise on the side of her face. She had to stay home from Sunday meetings for about a month. I learned after that to hit her only hard enough to get my decision across to her. Or I hit her where the marks wouldn’t show.”