Accepting the Fall

by Meg Harding

“Can you sit down, please?”

  Patrick shook his head, but he did finally turn to face Cole. His hips rested against the counter. “If we’re doing this—if you’re doing this—I need space.”

  It was now or never. “I don’t think this is working anymore.”

  Patrick’s face blanched of color. “What?”

  Cole blinked. Patrick had been acting like he knew already, so why the surprise? “You’re a great guy, and you deserve someone better. I don’t think we’re on the same page when it comes to our feelings, and that’s not fair to you.”

  “You’re breaking up with me?” The coffee mug clattered against the countertop.

  Cole curled his fingers into a fist, nerves wracking him. “Yes. Um, what did you think I was going to say?” Cole was getting the idea they were expecting different conversations.

  Patrick pinched the bridge of his nose, tilting his head to stare at the ceiling. “I thought you were going to say you cheated on me.” He laughed, a harsh, ugly sound. “You’ve been so off lately. Guilty. I’ve been trying to wait it out. You’d do what you were going to do, and I’d be here, and then things would be normal.”

  Cole was gobsmacked. “I didn’t cheat on you.” Cole wasn’t a cheater. He’d felt bad enough about having feelings and not acting on them. The guilt of actually sleeping with someone else would probably have ate him alive. “I…. You’d have stayed with me, if I had?” He couldn’t wrap his head around that. “And you’ve been so nice to me lately!” What the hell?

  “Yeah.” Patrick shrugged. “What we have is good—or I thought it was good, anyway. I know monogamy isn’t for everyone, and sure I’d have preferred you give me a heads up, but it’s not a deal breaker for me. I know plenty of people in open relationships, and I know it’s natural to want something different from time to time.”

  Cole was sure he had to resemble a fish at the moment with the way his jaw had dropped. “I would never….” He took a deep breath. This was not a conversation he’d ever thought he’d be having. “I would never do that without it being a firmly established part of the relationship.” Unease twinged in his gut. “Did you…?”

  “No. I’m not….” Patrick waved his hand. “I’m satisfied with one partner.” His cheeks flushed, the red spreading to the tips of his ears. Lower, he said, “You know I don’t have the highest of, um, drives.”

  It probably wasn’t the best moment to be left speechless, but Cole had nothing.

  “So, you really never, you know?”

  “No!” Cole rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “I’m doing this because… because I have feelings for someone else. And I don’t believe it’s fair to you. I haven’t done anything. I’m aware they’re there, though. And you deserve someone who thinks you hang the moon.”

  Patrick scoffed. “That’s a fairytale.”

  Circles. This was going to go in circles if Cole didn’t stop it. “Maybe. But there’s someone out there for you, and they’re going to be better than me.”

  There was that ugly laugh again. “I don’t need excuses.”

  “Patrick, you mean a lot to me—”

  Patrick held his palm up. “You are not giving me the ‘Let’s still be friends speech.’ No.” He shook his head, lingering water droplets spraying from his hair. “I’m going to get my stuff and leave.”

  “Patrick.”

  “No. I need you to stop talking. Just let it go. I get it. Please.”

  Cole nodded.

  Less than five minutes later, the front door shut. He didn’t slam it, but nor did he softly close it.

  As one did, Cole spent the entire drive to Vinoy going over all the ways that morning could have gone differently. With hindsight and all—even if it was only an hour of it—Cole could think of hundreds (an exaggeration, more like five to ten) things he could have said or done to handle the situation better.

  He should have called Haley and told her he just couldn’t make it today. The last thing he needed was to deal with the Florida heat all day while children screamed and animals barked and parents yelled.

  His day was already bad enough.

  Parking in downtown St. Petersburg was a treat and a half. Locals were out in droves, spilling from boutique shops and crowding the outdoor tables of cafes. Street parking was, as such, nonexistent. It took several loops around Vinoy’s general area before Cole found a spot that wouldn’t cost him an arm and a leg.

  A breeze came in from the ocean, ruffling his hair and causing his door to slam shut. Just after noon, the wind from the coast was the only thing keeping the eighty-seven-degree weather from being too much. The sky was clear and the sun bright.

  It was feel good, cheery weather.

  Cole resituated his backpack—filled with snacks, water bottles, and animal care pamphlets—so that he wasn’t being poked by the contents. He took a deep, salt-tinged breath. So his morning had been a little rough, but he’d done the right thing, and the rest of the day could only be up from there.

  “Positive vibes,” he muttered.

  The adoption event was in full swing when he arrived. Cole had volunteered with several of the shelters and organizations at today’s event in the past. As he passed, he said quick hellos to those he knew and didn’t give anyone a chance to sucker him into another foster. The decision to keep Casper meant Cole was at his limit for indoor mammals. Unless, of course, the situation was dire and Cole was the last resort.

  Haley’s tent was a bit of a hike, but he found it soon enough. Haley was standing beside a play pen, holding a small fan she’d aimed at her face. Her hair was damp and frizzing, her pale skin already rosy from the sun. He let his bag slide off his shoulder. “Hey, Haley, sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. Where do you need me?”

  It was as he did this, turning to settle his stuff out of the way of any traffic, that his gaze locked with a familiar warm, brown one. Are you fucking kidding me? The slow grin spreading across Zander’s face, bunching his cheeks and causing wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, had Cole taking a step back. Was he wearing two different shoes? Was his shirt inside out? Why, God why, was Zander staring at him like that?

  Better yet, what was Zander doing here?

  “Mr. Whitaker!”

  Cole turned in time to catch Savanah as she crashed into his legs. Haley was behind her, smiling wide. Her eyebrows were arched questioningly. He ignored Haley. “Hello, Miss Savanah. Are you here to get a pet?”

  “Daddy says we can’t.” Her lower lip wobbled, but her eyes were full of mischief.

  Cole shouldn’t encourage such manipulation. He was a mature adult who knew better. He crouched to be at Savanah’s level. “Is that so? What’s he got against puppies and kittens?”

  “Nothing.” Zander appeared by Savanah’s side. His expression was exasperated. “We don’t have the time for one. I’m not home enough.” He lightly tugged on a strand of Savanah’s hair. The curl sprung tight. “We’re supposed to be volunteering, not guilting daddy.”

  “He’s right,” said Cole, garnering Savanah’s attention once more. “Pets require a lot of love and attention. Puppies and kittens are full time jobs. It’s not fair to them if you don’t have the time to give them.”

  She sighed. “I know.” It was a low grumble, her discontent clear in it. “M’gonna play.” As fast as she’d come to greet him, she left, returning to the puppies she wouldn’t be taking home.

  “Thank you,” said Zander, with something between a smile and a grimace twisting his lips. It wasn’t his best look.

  “Still never had a dog?” asked Cole, recalling a conversation from their past.

  “Nope.”

  Haley cleared her throat loudly. “I hate to butt in, but how do you two know each other?”

  Cole knew she didn’t feel bad about interrupting at all. Haley was terminally nosy. His knees cracked when he stood up. Jeez. “Savanah’s a student of mine.” Technically he wasn’t lying.

  Haley’s gaze bounced between Cole and Zande
r. “Sure.” The word was packed full of skepticism. “Since you’re buddies and all, Cole, why don’t you help Zander at the table?”

  It would probably be considered rude for Cole to beg to not work alongside Zander. His stomach flipped. How was he supposed to get over these stupid feelings if he couldn’t get away from the man upending his heart? “All right.”

  Haley clapped. “Great. Let me get you guys a puppy, and then we’ll be irresistible.” She browsed the pens and came back with a dog so mixed, Cole couldn’t guess what he might have been. His right ear was perky and splotched brown and white, and his left one was floppy and all brown. His fur was mostly white with large brown spots and smaller beige ones that almost resembled freckles. His feet were socked, and judging by their size, he was going to grow to be quite the big boy. Haley handed him to Cole. “Now go sit and bring all the animal lovers to my yard.”

  Cole snorted, and he heard Zander choke. “I thought I was supposed to be helping.”

  She patted his shoulder. “You are. Nothing draws attention more than hot guys with a cute dog. And if you could smile, that’d be great.” She hiked her thumb toward Zander. “He’s a nice looking dude, but he’s looked like someone pissed in his cheerios most of the morning. We want to look happy and friendly, yeah?” She directed the latter to Zander.

  Cole watched Zander’s eyebrows rise with incredulity and possibly a little offense. “I’m friendly,” said Zander. “I smile.” He smiled then, clearly forced, and it was painful looking. “See?” His teeth were gritted.

  “You smiled when this one came in.” She motioned to Cole. “I need more of that. Less of this.” She mimicked his current expression, and Cole lost it, doubling over with laughter. The puppy squirmed in his arms, trying to twist and lick his face, whining with excitement.

  Just then a woman and two kids stepped under Helping Paws’ tent.

  “See,” whispered Haley, “just like that, business.” Off she went to help them, as smug as could be.

  Cole and Zander settled at the table, Jasper—Cole had named the puppy for now—in his lap. The awkwardness quickly returned. Cole could sense Zander staring at him, and he had to fight the urge to fidget in his seat. He picked at a string on the hem of his shirt. He needed to fill the silence between them, and he could think of only one safe topic. “Savanah seems happier.” She was already done pouting, instead sprawled in the grass while puppies tumbled over her.

  “You think?” Zander’s tone held a vein of insecurity.

  Cole found his gaze meeting Zander’s. “You’re making a real effort and it shows.” To lighten the mood, he smirked. “I mean, this isn’t really your kind of thing, is it?”

  Zander laughed and the butterflies in Cole’s belly absolutely did not do somersaults. “It’s not bad. But no. Definitely not what I’m used to. Even if I did have the time for a pet, I’m barely managing taking care of just Savanah. Adding something else I’ve got no clue about would probably be the end of me. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad she wants to help, but I know this is going to the beginning of a long slog of me saying no. Which I kind of suck at when it comes to Savanah.” He shrugs, appearing undeniably fond. “I owe it to her to make her happy.”

  If Cole had ovaries, they’d be exploding. Possibly he spent way too much free time scrolling through Tumblr. He coughed. He didn’t want to sound sappy and half-in-love when he spoke. “Why do you owe it to her?” Cole knew almost nothing about their backstory, and he could admit his curiosity was rampant.

  Zander scratched at the short growth of stubble on his cheek. “Can we stop pretending like we don’t have a history?”

  That blindsided Cole. “Um.” He wasn’t sure what his question had to do with their past.

  Zander sighed. “Look. I’ve never been good with the whole emotion thing. Her mom and I—we weren’t anything. She was a one-night stand who didn’t tell me about Savanah till she was four and she decided she was done being a mom.” He glanced over Cole’s shoulder, probably checking on Savanah. Cole didn’t look. “I missed those years. I wasn’t there. And my first thought when I saw Savanah and found out she was mine? I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I haven’t done right by her, and I keep fucking things up. You remember my father. I don’t want to be him.”

  Their time together as teens had—until the end—always been a rose-colored glasses situation for Cole. Cole had been the boy who believed in fairytales and happily ever after. Zander’s father would have been the villain in the story. Harsh and unyielding, he’d been a foreboding figure in Zander’s life. Zander had been terrified of him.

  Cole had never stood a chance.

  “You’re not him. You’re trying. There’s no point dwelling on the could-haves. Is this some weird guilt trip about, what, not staying with her mom? Not asking for a number after you slept with her or making an effort to see her again?”

  Zander looked away.

  Cole froze. “It is. Holy shit.” Jasper tried to lick his face, and Cole gently pushed him away. He stared at Zander till he got eye contact again. “There is absolutely nothing good about that line of thinking. You couldn’t have known.”

  Zander had gone into this with one agenda when it came to Cole: get him in bed. How had he managed to veer so far off course? Hell, he’d never even gotten on the course. He was going to blame it on Cole’s all too leading questions and his stupidly knowing blue eyes. Damn him and his thoughtful, handsome face making Zander admit things he shouldn’t. “I don’t want to talk about this.” He held his hand up before Cole could argue. “I’m aware of what’s illogical. I’m dealing with it.”

  Cole arched an eyebrow, doubt conveyed with the movement. “Are you?”

  Well, it depended on one’s definition of “dealing.” Under Zander’s meaning, he was. He’d ignore the guilt to the best of his abilities until it went away. “Yes.”

  “You always were hopelessly stubborn.”

  Before Zander could think better of it, he said, “You loved that about me.”

  They both flinched, but Cole recovered quickly, smiling stiltedly. He kept his hands busy petting the dog in his lap. “I did. I think in a lot of ways you haven’t really changed.”

  Maybe Zander was being sensitive, but that definitely felt like an insult. He wanted to protest, to demand an explanation. He bit the urge back. His guilt wasn’t the only thing he could ignore. “How do you know Haley? Are you two…?” He waved his hand. As far as evasions went, it was pretty lame. For a second it looked like Cole was going to ignore the segue, and Zander’s heart beat double time. Please let it go, Cole.

  Cole’s expression smoothed over, lips quirking up in a way that didn’t reflect in his eyes. “I’ve been helping her out and coming by her shelter for a couple years now. In turn she comes by my place and checks on the horses. We’re not.” He mimicked Zander’s hand motion with a roll of his eyes. “I’m gay. You know that.”

  At the rate Zander was going, Haley had a better chance of sleeping with Cole than Zander, womanly parts or not. “I thought maybe you were bi.” Zander cracked his knuckles and licked his lips. He was making a fool of himself right and left. “I am.”

  “I kind of figured,” said Cole, his smile turning into something warmer, something real. “What with you having a kid and all.”

  Zander felt his cheeks heat. “Ah, yeah.” Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “You’ve always been the best I ever had.” God dammit.

  Cole’s eyes went round like saucers. He coughed. “Oh. Wow.” He was blinking far more than was natural. “That’s… nice.” His cheeks were turning the color of Gala apples.

  In for a penny in for a pound, wasn’t that the saying? “It was never as good with anyone else. Never the same.”

  The folding chair fell back as Cole stood, the dog still in his arms and clasped tight to his chest. “I forgot something in the car.” He practically ran out of there, leaving Zander to stare after him.

  Haley appeared at his side, propped t
he chair up, and took a seat. “You’re not a very smooth guy,” she said, conversationally. “I can recommend some articles you might want to read.”

  Zander thunked his head on the table. “He’s not going to come back, is he?”

  Haley patted his shoulder. “If I were him, I wouldn’t.” She looked in the direction Cole had gone. “I wonder how long it’ll take him to realize he took the puppy with him.”

  Chapter 10

  Cole never did return to the adoption event, and Zander went into work the following morning determined to return to his original plan: seek advice from those who knew better than him. Haley had informed him, quite bluntly, that he knew nothing. He’d literally chased Cole off for the day.

  He’d start with Kevin. Maria had agreed to marry him, so he had to have some advice to share.

  The man in question was in the lounge, a replay of a football game on the big TV. He was, miracle of miracles, alone. “Hey, what’s up?” Zander took a seat beside him, casually resting his arm along the back of the couch.

  Kevin barely glanced at him he was so focused on the game. “Alabama’s on a roll this year.”

  “Cool.” Zander didn’t have any interest in sports whatsoever. “Can I ask you something?”

  That got Kevin’s attention. He muted the game and twisted to face Zander. “What’s Savanah done?”

  Offended, Zander said, “Nothing! This isn’t about her.”

  Kevin raised his hands, placating. “My bad. Normally when you get that ‘I need help’ tone it’s got something to do with her.”

  Zander hadn’t been aware he had a “I need help” tone. He scowled. Did he really ask Kevin for so much advice?

  “Dude, just ask,” said Kevin. “I’m not judging.”

  Ugh. Zander wanted to get this over with, but the idea of admitting something so personal made him queasy. He needed to do this. The sooner he stopped making an ass of himself around Cole and got over him—literally if his plan worked—the sooner he could move on and return to normal.