Accepting the Fall

by Meg Harding

  “That’s right. We can’t control everything in life, but that shouldn’t stop us from living. And loving.”

  Hey, can I come over?

  He stared at the screen. In a perfect world, Cole would immediately respond to him. But the world was far from perfect and he could look all he wanted, it wasn’t going to magically make Cole reply. No matter how much Zander mentally willed him to.

  Savanah tugged on his shorts, gazing at him with her wide eyes. “Pick me up.” She was understandably clingy after that stressful session, and he obliged. She was light enough he barely noticed her weight. She wound her arms around his neck and sighed. “I want ice cream,” she said.

  “You always want ice cream.” Still, he made sure to turn down the frozen dessert aisle at the grocery store. His phone sat silent and lacking a response on the seat of the cart. He tried to stop from flicking his gaze to it every five seconds. He was going to strain his eyes at this rate. “What kind do you want?”

  She wiggled in his arms, twisting to view the wall of ice creams. “Birthday cake,” she said after several minutes of intense deliberation and making him walk up and down the aisle. “And chocolate.”

  “You want two?”

  “Yep.”

  His daughter was addicted to sugar. “Just this once.”

  “Whatever you say.”

  He tickled her and she squealed, loud enough to turn heads with first concern and then amusement when they realized she was fine despite the wild flailing and shrieking. “Uncle, uncle,” she cried. “Daddy!”

  “I’m going to start doing that every time you sass me,” he warned her. When her giggling subsided, she had the hiccups. Her expression was one of utter betrayal. “Promise to quit the sass?”

  She shook her head. “You said never to make promises that you can’t keep.” She gave him the most angelic, innocent of looks.

  Demon child. It was a fond thought. She was his little demon. “What else do we need? And don’t say Pop-Tarts. Those aren’t proper breakfast.”

  She imperiously directed him around the store, reading haltingly from the list he’d written and occasionally trying to sneak something she wanted in. He was so distracted by her antics, it wasn’t till he was loading the groceries into the car that he realized Cole had texted him back.

  Sure. Is everything all right? (My mom’s here)

  Zander couldn’t say he was looking forward to meeting Cole’s mother, but he wanted to see him. Needed to really. There were some things he needed to get off his chest. And it was time Cole got the truth. Zander couldn’t fix the past, but he could try to smooth the edges.

  I’ve got Savanah. It’ll be a party.

  Chapter 18

  If Cole had to put a word to how he felt about Zander officially meeting his mom, it would be terrified. She’d taken his coming home the next morning almost a week ago relatively okay, but he’d seen her judgey expressions. He knew she’d meant him to. She didn’t agree with his decisions, and in an effort to protect him, she was driving him insane. Well, he gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she was trying to stop him from getting hurt, but the result was something more like Cole wanting to pull his hair out in frustration.

  He wasn’t a genius by any means, but he was smart enough to make his own decisions. And if he wanted to fall in love with Zander all over again, go to his house for dinner every other night, kiss him, and text him all the time, that was his business.

  That was not the speech he was going to use to break the news to his mom. He didn’t have a death wish.

  It was Thursday night, and he’d been planning to go to Zander’s for dinner tomorrow and stay the night. What had happened for Zander to switch it up? And to ask to come here? Cole had been under the impression Zander was just as loathe to meet Cole’s mother as Cole was for him to.

  “Mom?” She’d been back from chemo for a couple hours, and he’d not seen much of her. Her color had been awful when she came in, and she’d gone straight to bed. A horrible part of him wondered if he’d get lucky and she’d sleep through the whole evening. Feeling guilty for the thought, he eased open the door to the room he’d given her. She was lying in bed, reading, and Frederick was curled beside her. “Hey, mom.”

  She rolled onto her side to see him. “Yes, dear?” She was a little less pale, but still too wan for Cole’s liking. There were dark circles under her eyes.

  “I’m going to make dinner.” He braced himself. “Zander’s coming over—” the tell-tale pinch settled on her face “—and he’s bringing Savanah.”

  “His daughter?” Her expression smoothed, settling on something almost curious.

  “Yeah.”

  She closed the book with a snap, pushing to an upright position. “Well then, I suppose I better get dressed.” She wore loose sweats and a baggy shirt, comfort clothes.

  “You don’t need to get all fancy for them,” Cole protested. He started to come forward, intending to help her from the bed. She didn’t need to tax herself.

  Her lip rose in a snarl. “I’m not an invalid. I’m going to get better.”

  He backed away, hands raised. She always had been fiercely independent, and he knew this was bothering her. She wasn’t normally so snappish, especially not with him. “Sorry. I just want to help.”

  She sighed, her shoulders looking frail and too thin beneath the shirt. “I know you do. And I know I came here, but I don’t want to be one of your charity cases.”

  Cole opened his mouth to protest.

  “Don’t even,” she said. “I love you, honey. You’ve always had a help-the-needy complex. When you were a kid you always used to bring home stray kittens and, lord, how you’d cry when you couldn’t keep them. When we’d go shopping, you’d always make me donate to the charities at the register. And in college you were in all those programs. Now it’s teaching kids and helping animals.” She pointed at him. “And when it was you that needed help, you didn’t want it. Wouldn’t have it. I won’t be something else you try to take care of over yourself.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “I want to make sure you’re okay, that’s all. I’m not going to, like, stop feeding myself because I helped you from the bed. I can take care of me and you.”

  She waved him away. “When I need help, I’ll ask for it. Now leave me alone so I can get dressed.”

  Cole huffed. “Should I make you dinner or would you like to do that yourself too?”

  Growing up, back-talk like that would have gotten him a slap on the back of the head. Now she just looked amused by him. “Feel free to make me dinner. Try not to sulk too much.”

  He wasn’t going to sulk at all. If she didn’t want help, fine. Whatever.

  She hadn’t come out of her room by the time Zander and Savanah got there. A pizza was in the oven and a salad was chilling in the fridge. Cole opened the door, eyebrows raising when he saw Zander holding Savanah. That wasn’t normal. “Is it bad that I like to help people?” Cole asked once the initial barking and hoop-la had finished. The question had been burning a hole in his throat.

  Zander blinked. “No? I mean, you do go all out. Someone could take advantage of you easily. But you’ve got good friends and people who care.” He scowled. “And me. I won’t let people take advantage of your charitable nature.”

  What even? Cole wondered if everyone around him had lost their minds. “No one is taking advantage of me.”

  Zander set Savanah down, and she took his hand. “Cole, the second you see someone or something in distress you’re all over it trying to help. You’re a sucker. It’s not a bad thing, though. You just need people to help you be careful. Why are we talking about this?”

  “Mom won’t let me help her.” Which frustrated him far more than it should. He stepped aside so Zander and Savanah could enter.

  Zander kissed his cheek. “There’s a lot going on she’s not in control of right now. She’s probably trying to manage what she can.” He shrugged. “That’s wha
t I would do.”

  Of all the people to understand his mother…. The irony. Cole turned his head, their noses brushing as their lips met.

  “Ewwwww,” whined Savanah. “Kissing is gross.”

  Zander turned to her. “That’s right, it is. You shouldn’t do it for a long, long time.”

  Cole elbowed Zander while Savanah looked appalled at the idea she might ever want to do anything as disgusting as kiss someone. “Pizza’s in the oven. Why don’t you go play with the dogs, Savanah?”

  She dropped Zander’s hand like it was on fire. “Yay!” She ran off, heading for the living room where the herd had retreated.

  “You going to show me around?” asked Zander. “I haven’t seen anything other than the front yard.”

  “Well,” said Cole, “it’s not as minimalist as your place.”

  “You were always messy.” Zander scratched at his jaw, ducking his head. “I’ve actually still got a shirt you left in my room… from, you know.”

  Cole’s breath caught. “Yeah?”

  “Mhm. A Disney one from your trip to Paris. I’ve still got the one you brought me back, too.”

  Cole was definitely having a warm, fuzzy moment. He’d known Zander for about two months when his mom had decided to take him on a weekend trip to Disney. He’d brought a Donald Duck shirt back for Zander, who had given him the most baffled look, followed by a shy smile when Cole handed it over. “Does that even still fit you?”

  Zander laughed. “No. I just never could seem to part with it.” He ran a hand over his hair. “Come on, stop stalling and show me the place. Introduce me to your million and one children.”

  Cole gave him a tour, starting in the kitchen which was starting to smell of the pizza, lingering in the living room as he pointed to each dog and cat and gave Zander names he knew Zander wouldn’t remember right away, and ending on the back porch. Zander stared at Arthur, who was sprawled on his side and covered in mud. His big belly was bulging and heaving with every breath.

  “You have a pig,” said Zander. “An actual pig.”

  “I told you I did.”

  “I thought you were joking.”

  “His name’s Arthur. He’s a sweetheart. We can go out and you can pet him.”

  “I eat bacon,” blurted Zander.

  Cole arched a brow. “I know. I’ve seen you eat it.”

  “That’s not going to be a problem?”

  Cole leaned against the sliding glass door, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Not if my not eating meat isn’t a problem. I don’t expect others to follow my diet. I mean, no you can’t eat Arthur, but feel free to pick up whatever from the grocery store.” He hiked his thumb toward the open pasture. “I’ve got cows, horses, and goats. You know Haley from the adoption event? She helps with them.”

  Zander peered through the glass, but Cole knew he couldn’t see anything. Everyone was hiding today. “You really have everything, don’t you?”

  “Remember, I’m a sucker.”

  Zander groaned. “I’m going to regret saying that, aren’t I?”

  Cole smirked. “Oh, you bet.”

  Zander crowded him against the door, slotting a leg between Cole’s. He nuzzled along Cole’s neck, stubble scraping the sensitive skin and causing Cole to shiver, his arms to goosebump. “Zander.”

  “Hmm?” Zander sucked on the spot behind his ear.

  Cole forgot what he was going to say. He slid his hands into Zander’s back pockets and pulled him closer, rocking his hips. Words didn’t seem necessary anyway. He arched his neck to give Zander better access, mouth open as he quietly panted. It was amazing how fast a touch from Zander could turn him to jelly.

  The doors to the porch swung open, and Zander froze.

  “That’s your mom, isn’t it?” he asked in a low voice, right against Cole’s ear.

  Yep, yep it was. What a fantastic way for the two of them to meet. He nodded, barely moving his head. “Hi, mom.”

  “Cole.” Her tone was cool as frost.

  Zander separated from him, straightening his clothes with his back to her before turning around. “Hi, Ms. Whitaker, it’s lovely to meet you.” He held out his hand, and gently shook the one she slowly proffered.

  Cole gave him props. He was remarkably put together. Still, he thought it best to intervene. “Mom, this is Zander Brooks.” The year they’d known one another before, neither had met the others parents. Zander’s father had never been home, and in the interest of secrecy they’d mostly kept to Zander’s place. The few times Cole had suggested Zander come to dinner with him, meet his parents just as a good friend, Zander had made excuses. Maybe he’d initiated the meet this time to make up for the past.

  “I’ve heard a lot about you, Zander.”

  Cole winced, but Zander took it in stride. “I’m sure you have. Most of it not good I’d imagine.” Leave it to him to cut right to the chase.

  The two of them stared at each, maintain an unnerving amount of eye contact. “On the contrary, Cole does nothing but sing your praises lately.”

  Cole’s cheeks went hot. Thanks mom.

  Zander smiled, fond and soft. “Your son’s a very forgiving man. And a good one. I’m extraordinarily lucky to have him.”

  Cole definitely wasn’t turning to a pile of putty at Zander’s sweetness. He did not fall for that romantic kind of crap. Not even a little. He cleared his throat. This was awkward and he wanted the stare-off to end now. “The pizza’s probably done. We should all go inside. I bet Savanah’s starving.” He kept talking, rambling really, because it left them no time to talk amongst themselves.

  Savanah was still playing with the dogs, Smaug in particular. She was on her hands and knees, pulling one end of Smaug’s rope while he tugged on the other. She mock growled at him and Smaug playfully growled back. It was the most adorable thing Cole had ever seen.

  His mom seemed to think so too.

  “This is Savanah?” she asked, voice devoid of the earlier chill.

  Savanah glanced up upon hearing her name. “Who’re you?” she demanded, gaze locking on Cole’s mom.

  “Savanah, manners,” said Zander with exasperation.

  She rolled her eyes, and Cole’s mom looked nothing short of delighted. “Oh, isn’t she fiery.” She knelt to Savanah’s level and held out her hand. “I’m Kristy, Cole’s mom.”

  “Cole has a mom?” she asked, hesitantly reaching for the extended hand. “But he’s so old.”

  Cole made a noise of indignation, while Zander snorted and Kristy outright laughed. “He is getting up there in years, isn’t he?”

  “Mom.”

  “He still whines like he’s five though,” she said then. “Some things never change.”

  Savanah’s grin was impish and pleased. “You’re funny.”

  “I am?”

  “Mhm. I like it.”

  Cole couldn’t believe this, ganged up on by his favorite student and his mother. The betrayal. “How about you and I eat some pizza and not share it with anyone?” he asked Zander.

  Out came the gorgeous dimples. “Sounds like a plan.”

  They didn’t hog the pizza for themselves because they were much nicer individuals than two who would remain nameless. Neither protested at the end of the meal when Cole’s mom offered to take Savanah on a walk around the property to show her the animals. Thor followed them out, tail wagging happily at the notion of the outdoors and company. Cole made sure they took a flashlight as it was starting to get dark but otherwise left them to it.

  “She’ll return Savanah in one piece, don’t worry,” he assured Zander.

  “I wasn’t.” Zander handed him a plate to dry. They were doing the dishes together, and Cole felt wonderfully domestic. He’d never gotten this pleased feeling inside when doing such simple tasks with Patrick. He’d come to realize that even if Zander had never entered the picture, Patrick and he weren’t going to last. Patrick had always deserved more than someone coasting along without trying.

  Cole pla
ced the plate in the proper cabinet. “So what brought you over, and don’t say everything’s fine. I know that’s bullshit.”

  Zander sighed. “We had therapy today. It went…. It was intense. Savanah said some things that weren’t easy to hear, and I had reality shoved in my face.”

  Cole’s heart started to race with panic. Oh god, was Zander going to break up with him? Had he decided Savanah and a relationship were too much to juggle together? If that was the case, could Cole really blame him? Cole got light-headed and he realized he was holding his breath. He needed to stop doing that and calm down. Exhale. Focus.

  Zander was still talking, gaze on his hands and not Cole thankfully. “I was hoping we could talk. There’s some things I want to tell you.”

  “Yeah, of course, anything.” Cole’s heart had turned into a rabbit, and it was going to leap from his chest. His palms had gone clammy.

  “Wanna sit on the back porch while we talk?”

  “Sure.” He wished Zander would say it already. Rip the Band-Aid off.

  They settled on the lounge Cole kept on the porch, wicker and soft blue cushions. Cole tried to leave space between them, but Zander sat facing him and nudged at Cole until he did the same, tangling their legs together. He didn’t recline though, instead he sat there with their knees knocking and only a foot between their faces.

  Hope fluttered in Cole’s chest. Maybe he’d been overreacting. It wouldn’t be the first time. It was then he realized Zander’s legs were trembling against his. He put his hand on Zander’s knee, stilling him. “You’re starting to freak me out,” he admitted.

  His smile was apologetic. “I’m not meaning to. I’m not… I’ve never really talked about this before, and it’s hard.” He breathed deeply, closing his eyes. Cole squeezed his leg, trying to convey support. “I am, to put it simply, terrified of people leaving me. My whole life nothing’s ever been permanent. My mom left, and we moved constantly. Every time I made friends, they moved or I moved, and that was it. Gone. So I stopped. It hurt when it was over, and if I didn’t have emotional attachments to lose, then I couldn’t be hurt any more. I was protecting myself. Or I thought I was anyway.