He’d informed her, while barely meeting her eyes, “Unfortunately local elections are coming up this week, which means that we’ll have to postpone a honeymoon.”
Julia’s insides had curdled in the face of this remote man. How could she have been seduced so easily into thinking she’d seen something of the young man she’d fallen in love with?
“That’s fine with me,” she’d answered stiffly. “I hadn’t expected anything else.”
And then he’d said, “I’ve arranged for you to have lessons in Burquati history and royal protocol. You’ll be well prepared for any public engagements. I should be able to accompany you until you get your bearings. The lessons will give you a broad overview of everything you need to know, and some tuition in our language.”
Now Kaden shifted on the other side of the dinner table, and Julia glanced up guiltily to see him assessing her. His eyes dropped to her hand.
“Why aren’t you wearing your engagement ring?”
Julia looked at the plain gold wedding band on her finger and flushed. “I was afraid I might lose it.”
She saw his sceptical look, and then felt a surge of adrenalin. The fact that he’d clearly been avoiding coming to bed until she was asleep for the past two weeks, while she lay there aching for him to touch her, was inciting hot anger.
She lifted her chin. “The truth is that I don’t like the idea of wearing a ring that was given to your first wife.”
“Why would you feel that?”
She frowned. “You said that it was your mother’s ring, which was to be given to the woman you married … I just assumed—”
He cut her off. “I gave Amira a different ring—one that she kept when we were divorced …” His mouth tightened, “I believe it fetched a nice price at auction in London a few months ago. Clearly her generous divorce settlement is fast running out.”
Julia was disconcerted, her anger fading. “Why didn’t you give your mother’s ring to her?”
Kaden looked at Julia, and those big grey eyes threatened him on so many levels. He shrugged nonchalantly, very aware that this was exposing him. He hadn’t given the ring to Amira because it hadn’t felt right. And yet with Julia there’d been no hesitation.
“It didn’t suit her colouring. It meant nothing significant.”
Julia was stung. Well, she’d got her answer. He’d given it to her because it suited her colouring. The fact that she hungered so desperately for him mocked her, when she knew more certainly than ever that the only reason she was here at all was because of the heirs she carried. He couldn’t even bring himself to make love to her again.
Wanting to disguise how hurt and vulnerable that made her feel, she said, “How do I know that once I have these babies you won’t try to extricate yourself from me? You cast your first wife out just because she couldn’t give you an heir. Obviously you weren’t committed enough to pursue other options. Perhaps it’s just the heirs you care about? Maybe a wife is superfluous to your needs?”
Kaden’s mouth tightened with anger. “For your information, I did all I could to make my marriage work. Amira was the one who insisted on a divorce, because she knew she could never give me an heir. She wouldn’t even discuss options. And I’m still paying for ongoing treatment to get her over her phobia.”
Julia felt deflated when she thought of the fact that if his wife had been more amenable they might still be married. Cheeks flaming, she said, “I’m sorry. I had no right to assume I knew what had happened. It must have been … very painful.”
Kaden emitted a curt laugh. “I wasn’t in love with her, Julia. It was an arranged marriage.” His voice sounded surprisingly bitter. “She had the right lineage.”
Julia glanced at him, pushing down the lancing pain at this evidence of his cynicism. “And now you’ve got the heirs, but a wife with all the wrong lineage.”
He just looked at her with those black eyes, and for the first time Julia felt something rising up within her—something she couldn’t keep suppressing.
She fiddled with her napkin and avoided Kaden’s eye. “Speaking of lineage, there’s something you should probably know.” She rushed on before she could lose her nerve. “I’m adopted, Kaden. I was adopted at birth. I know who my birth mother is, but she doesn’t want to know me. For all I know she could even be dead by now.”
Julia was breathing fast, aghast that she’d just blurted out the stain on her soul like that.
Kaden said carefully, “Why did you never tell me this before?”
Julia shrugged minutely, still avoiding his eye. “I don’t talk about it—ever.”
“Why not? It’s not a bad thing. Plenty of people are adopted. I would have considered adoption myself if Amira had been open to the idea.”
Shock at Kaden’s easy acceptance made her look up. His eyes were dark, assessing. Not cold and judgemental. Julia felt as if she was being drawn into those eyes. His reaction was loosening something that had always felt tight inside her.
“From the day my parents told me I was adopted, when I turned thirteen, I always felt … less.” She grimaced. “My parents went out of their way to assure me they loved me, but to know that someone else had had you first … and let you go because they didn’t want you …” Even now Julia shivered.
“What about your father? You say your birth mother didn’t want to know you?”
“The records from the agency showed that my parents hadn’t been married. I found out that my father had emigrated to Australia almost immediately after my birth. He was too far away to trace, so I focused on my mother. I was too impatient to write, so not long before I came here to work on the dig I tracked down her phone number and called her …”
Julia smiled tremulously. “She knew exactly who I was. It was as if she’d been waiting for my call.” Her smile faded. “But then she just said, ‘Don’t call here again. I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I gave you up once and it’s done’.”
The pain in Julia’s heart was acute. She only realised she was crying silent tears when Kaden took her hand across the table, enveloping her in warmth.
“It sounds to me as if giving you up was an incredibly traumatic experience for her. Perhaps it’s something she simply couldn’t deal with.”
Julia brushed away the tears and attempted a smile. “I know … I saw a counsellor attached to the adoption agency before I contacted her, so I was warned about the reaction I might get. But somehow I’d hoped for the kind of thing you see in the movies—the great reunion. Stupid …”
Kaden was shaking his head, his hand tightening on hers. “Not stupid at all. It’s very human. I’m sorry, Julia … really sorry you went through that. I can’t imagine what it’s like to grow up not knowing where you’ve come from.”
Feeling very exposed and brittle at Kaden’s sensitivity, Julia pulled her hand back from his and put it on her belly, saying lightly, “At least these little ones won’t ever have to face that.”
Kaden was grim. “No, they won’t.”
The evidence of Kaden’s grimness made Julia’s emotions see-saw all over the place. She desperately wanted him to hold her … to make love to her and help her forget her pain which was far too close to the surface. But he hadn’t touched her in two weeks, and wasn’t likely to any time soon.
In a bid to escape before he could see the extent of how this affected her, she stood up. “I’m quite tired this evening … If you’ll excuse me …?”
Kaden stood too. “Don’t forget about the visit to the new hospital wing tomorrow.”
“Oh …”
Julia had forgotten about her first public function tomorrow. She was due to cut the ribbon on a new wing of the national hospital. Immediately her concerns about going out in public rose up.
Kaden said, “I’ll be with you tomorrow. All you’ll have to do is smile and wave. They won’t expect any more. They’ll just want to see you.”
Julia turned to walk away from the table, but Kaden caught her wrist. Sh
e looked back. She could feel her pulse throbbing against his hand and flushed.
She took her wrist from his grip. After everything she’d just shared, the deep vulnerability she felt was acute enough to be a physical ache within her. She forced a smile. “I’ll be fine. I’m looking forward to it.”
She left the room, feeling Kaden’s black eyes boring into her back.
Kaden waved away the staff that came in to clear the plates from the private and intimate dining room not far from their suite of rooms. He needed to be alone, to digest everything Julia had just told him. Suddenly restless, he stood up, his long robes falling around him. He paced back and forth, as if that might dampen the ever-present burn of desire, made worse now after feeling Julia’s hectic pulse. It was all jumbled up in his head: his need to lose himself in her body; his equal need to keep his distance; the almost overwhelming need to protect her from ever being hurt again as she so evidently had been by her birth mother.
Julia had looked so vulnerable just now, and he hated the thought of exposing her to the crowds tomorrow. But he couldn’t avoid it. He felt inordinately protective, but told himself it was a natural response because she was pregnant, and not because of what she’d revealed about her birth.
He’d had no clue about her adoption. From what she’d told him about herself years before he’d guessed she came from a solidly middle class background. When she hadn’t talked about family too much he’d just put it down to English reticence. The fact that she’d made that painful contact with her birth mother just before she’d come to Burquat was uncomfortable for him to dwell on.
For a second Kaden had a glimpse into how rudderless he might have felt if he hadn’t grown up knowing exactly where he’d come from. The sliver of isolation that washed through him at contemplating that scenario made him want to call Julia back, so that he could hold her close and never let her go again.
He immediately rejected that urge. His hand clenched to a fist. This was what he’d been avoiding ever since their wedding night. This rising tide of emotions that he refused to look at or acknowledge. The depth of passion on that night had stunned him. And that awful dream … which had obviously been precipitated by sleeping with Julia. Perhaps here in Burquat the memories were too close to avoid.
The truth was that when Julia touched him he became something else—someone else. It was too reminiscent of how she’d made him feel before. He’d never forget that struggle with his father before he’d died. His total absorption in himself and meeting his own needs … and then the awful shock of seeing her with that man, the excoriating jealousy. Realising how much he’d lost sight of himself and who he was, who he had to be. Exactly what his father had warned him against.
Kaden strode over to the drinks cabinet, poured himself a measure of neat whisky and knocked it back. The burn made him reach for another one, as if that might douse the unquenchable desire, the tangled knot of feelings his wife so effortlessly evoked. He’d told himself that when he’d met her again in London he’d just wanted to bed her. And when she’d arrived to tell him about her pregnancy he’d thought only of the babies.
Now those assertions rang like the hollow untruths they were. Since he’d seen Julia again things had gone a lot deeper than he liked to admit.
The truth was, it was easier to avoid Julia and any chance of intimacy than face her and those grey eyes which made him feel as if he was coming apart at the seams every time he looked at her. Now more so than ever.
CHAPTER NINE
JULIA was trembling with nerves by the time they pulled up in Kaden’s chauffeur-driven state car outside the hospital the following morning. She was dressed in a silvery grey long tunic, with matching pants underneath and a shawl to match. Her hair was tied back in a loose low bun, make-up and jewellery discreet. The tunic hid her pregnancy quite well—they’d agreed to wait another few days before making the announcement.
She took a deep shaky breath at the sight of the crowds amassed behind cordons, and then felt her hand being taken in a strong, warm grip. She almost closed her eyes for a second at the wave of longing that went through her. She turned to look at Kaden. His eyes were intent, compelling.
“I’ll be right by your side. Just be yourself. They won’t be able to help but respond to you.”
“But I’m not a public person, Kaden … I’ve given speeches to rooms full of archaeologists, but never anything like this. They’ll expect me to be something I’m not.”
Something fierce crossed Kaden’s face and he said, “They will accept you, Julia, because you’re my wife and I’ve chosen you.”
Julia felt sad, and pulled her hand away. She bit back the words trembling on her tongue. You wouldn’t have chosen me if you’d had a choice.
Kaden’s door was opened then, and with a last look he got out. The crowd went wild. He wore long cream robes and a traditional headdress. Julia’s heart clenched amidst her trepidation. He reminded her so much in that moment of the young man she’d first met.
He was coming round the car. He’d instructed the driver to let him open her door. And then he was there, against the bright searing sun, holding out a hand. Julia took a deep breath and stepped out, clutching Kaden’s hand. The roar of the crowd dipped ominously.
Security guards shadowed them as they walked towards the hospital. Julia tried to smile, but the crowd was blurring into a sea of faces that all looked suspiciously unfriendly. She was reminded of the aides who had surrounded Kaden after his father’s death, when she hadn’t been able to get close to him. She stumbled slightly and his arm came around her waist.
“OK?”
She looked up. “Yes, fine.”
She drew on all her reserves as they got to the top of the steps and were greeted by officials from the hospital. They were exceedingly polite, but with a definite reserve. Kaden gave a short heartfelt speech about the new unit, which was specifically for heart disease, and then they turned towards the huge ribbon over the main doors.
Julia was handed a pair of scissors and cut it. Everyone clapped and cheered, but she couldn’t help but notice the reticence of the crowd ever since she’d appeared at Kaden’s side.
After being shown around inside by the doctors and officials they re-emerged, and Kaden led her towards the crowds. He said, “We’ll do a short walkabout. It’s expected.”
Urged forward, Julia went towards a little girl, who pushed forward shyly to hold out some flowers. She bent down and took them, saying thank you in their native language. But Julia noticed the mother pull the child back, her lips pursed in disapproval, eyes dark and hard.
Another woman who held a baby visibly turned away, and adjusted a shawl over the baby’s face so that Julia couldn’t see it. As if to protect it from her gaze. Amongst her shock at the people’s obvious rejection of her Julia felt a welling desire to have them look at her with open faces and smiles. She realised that she desperately wanted to be able to connect with them.
Kaden was taking her hand and pulling her back to the car. When they got in Julia was a little shell-shocked.
Kaden was grim as the car pulled away. “I’m sorry about that. They’re wary after Amira and my stepmother … they’ll come round.”
“It’s OK,” Julia replied faintly, feeling more hurt than she’d thought possible. She’d not even known till then how important the Burquati people’s opinion of her was. “I can understand that they wanted to see you with someone more suitable.”
Kaden was silent beside her, and Julia didn’t want to look at him and see disappointment in his second wife etched into his face.
When they got back to the palace Kaden stopped Julia and said, “I’ve got to go into the desert for a couple of days to meet with the newly elected Bedouin council.”
Julia looked at him against the backdrop of the magnificent central courtyard and felt a hollowness echoing through her. This was how it would be between them. Distance and polite civility.
She nodded. “Fine. I’ll see you in a cou
ple of days. I’ve got lessons to get on with in the meantime.”
Julia turned away, and Kaden had an irrational urge to grab her back, throw her into the car and drive them far away. He wanted to be going into the desert with her, the way they’d used to. Sneaking off like fugitives, spending nights in a hastily erected tent under the stars. No thought in the world beyond exploring each other and sating mutual desire. And talking for hours.
An ache welled up inside him, and this time he couldn’t ignore it. He had a sudden overwhelming need for those memories not to be tainted by what had happened twelve years before. For Julia to look at him the way she’d used to, with such open love and warmth. But the reality was clear. If Julia had ever had any feelings for him they were long gone. She was bound to him for ever, and she couldn’t help but hate him for that. He’d seen the way that woman in the crowd had shielded her baby from Julia, as if she were some sort of witch. And Julia had just smiled.
With a jerky move, Kaden got back into the car which would take him to a helicopter to fly him into the desert. In that moment he’d never felt such bleakness surround him, and pain for subjecting Julia to the cold disapproval of his people when he knew just how deep her vulnerability went.
As Kaden flew over the desert a short time later the helicopter dipped abruptly for a moment in an air pocket. The pilot apologised and Kaden smiled tightly. That physical sensation mirrored exactly how he felt emotionally, and it wasn’t comfortable.
Julia spent the next two days working hard with her own secretary to encourage meetings with locals. She was determined to do what she could to bridge the gap, and wanted to avoid having any free time to brood about Kaden and the distance between them. She had to admit, though, that talking to him about her adoption had been cathartic. Thoughts of it and her birth mother no longer came with the heavy oppressive weight they’d used to.
To her delight she’d managed to set up a few coffee morning events at the palace, to meet with local women’s groups and dicuss various issues. Julia had always had an interest in the more anthropological end of archaeology, so the prospect of meeting Burquati people and coming to learn their customs excited her.
Desert Jewels & Rising Stars Page 354
