Planet Janet in Orbit

by Dyan Sheldon

  Told Sigmund that the MC said she thought there was still a chance they could patch things up. He said really? What about Robert? I said everything passes, everything changes, doesn’t it?

  FRIDAY 21 SEPTEMBER (Only five weeks and one day till my party!!!)

  Everybody was WOWED by my invites – even the Hendley. Apparently she LOVES dressing up (I love her dressing up too – at least I won’t have to look at her face). I told her she should bring her boyfriend. She said what boyfriend would that be? I said I’d heard rumours. She said not about her, I hadn’t, but she gave Lila a V DIRTY LOOK!!! (Everybody knows what a BIG MOUTH Lila has!!!) Flynn couldn’t believe I made the invitations myself. I said I had a bit of help from Marcus. Flynn said he should’ve known. I said why, because the last time Flynn and I worked together on the computer at school I wiped half the magazine from the hard drive? Flynn said that wasn’t what he meant at all. Then he said if I want, he’ll help me revise for my driving theory test when the time comes. I snapped up the offer. I obviously can’t count on any help from Disha in Love.

  Unlike Catriona Hendley, David really does have amazing organizational skills (possibly due to being the son of a restaurateur) and has arranged for us all to go bowling tonight with Siranee, Sara and Alice! We haven’t seen them since July, so it should be a hoot. Asked Disha if she and Ethan wanted to come since it’s his night off, but she said they already had plans. I said can’t they be changed? What are you doing, dining with the Queen? Disha laughed. I said just remember you and the Wizard of Oz are coming to my party. She said of course they are … unless he has to work. I said he could always come late: I’m expecting it to go on for quite a while!

  Sigmund left a present for the MC tonight! It’s a book he borrowed from her when they first met. (Sigmund usually gives the MC things like electric toothbrushes, so I reckon this counts as a Romantic Gesture – another FIRST!) It’s not the same book, of course (that fell out of his backpack when he was cycling down Marylebone Road in the rain and got run over by a number 18 bus). He wanted her to know he hadn’t forgotten about it!!! I showed it to her as soon as she came in with Buskin’ Bob. She said it was about time – he borrowed it nearly twenty years ago and she’d never even finished it. But after Buskin’ Bob left, I heard her ring Sigmund to thank him and she was so nice and pleasant that at first I thought she was talking to someone else. They went on for approximately twenty-seven minutes, which is something of a record since he moved out (especially since none of it was shouting and screaming!). I definitely consider this another hopeful sign!!!

  Still no letters for Aunt K! What am I going to do if she doesn’t get any?!! I haven’t bothered writing anything else for the mag because I thought solving everybody’s problems would be enough to start with. The last thing I need is Catriona pretending to feel sorry for me because I missed out on the FIRST issue. Flynn said I could always do an interview if I really have nothing to submit. I said AN INTERVIEW? With WHOM? It’s not like our school is filled with Fascinating Characters or Hollywood Stars. Flynn said how about Mr Tulliver the caretaker? I said and what would I interview him about? The best way to get old socks out of a toilet? Flynn said Mr Tulliver used to be in the SAS and has lots of interesting stories about killing people and living on grubs and tree bark, etc. And to think that most journalists want to interview the likes of Spielberg or Madonna – they don’t know what they’re missing!!!

  Have to get ready for bowling. More anon.

  SUNDAY 23 SEPTEMBER

  It’s been GO! GO! GO! all weekend. Siranee, Alice and Sara all wanted to know where Disha was on Friday night. I said Disha was in the Arms of Love – which seems to be a lot like being in solitary confinement. Siranee was v surprised by this news. So was Alice. Alice said Disha’s the last person she’d have expected to behave like that because she’s got a boyfriend – it’s something she’d expect more from ME! (Can you believe that?!! I was too GOBSMACKED even to defend myself!!!) Sara, however, wasn’t at all surprised. Sara watches a lot of daytime telly and says the talk shows are absolutely chock-a-block with women who totally turn themselves inside out for men: have their breasts enlarged, dye their hair, become weightlifters, move to islands off the coast of Africa, etc!!! And it’s not just the unattractive, desperate women either! Like AIDS, it can happen to anyone!!! [Note to self: Ask Sappho if this could possibly be genetic.] On the brighter side, the bowling was a hoot and a half! Marcus, David and Flynn were good, of course – they have well-developed hand muscles from playing so many video games – but it was Siranee who hit so many strikes that the man in the next lane asked her if she wanted to join his bowling team. After that, everyone came back to mine to watch a film. Ended up getting two videos because we couldn’t agree (the males, of course, wanted something violent and not too intellectually taxing, and the females wanted something with character and plot). We couldn’t agree on which one to watch first, either, so we played charades instead. The MC and Buskin’ Bob came in just as we were starting and wanted to join in. I was still recovering from this shock when I realized that the others were moving round to make room for them! I said pardon me, but fraternizing between my family and my friends is something I tried to discourage (and have done since primary school when the MC first began embarrassing me in public). The Mad Cow and Robert acted like I was making a joke. In the end, it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. There was plenty of hysterical laughter all round. (No one could decide which was funnier – Flynn miming lap dancer or Buskin’ Bob miming Bridget Jones’s Diary!!!) Marcus, David, Flynn, Siranee, Sara, Alice and I had such a good time that we decided to hang out again last night and watch the videos. Alice said I should ask Disha to come. I said, “You ask her.” (Alice did ask her and Disha said she was busy – for a change!)

  Buskin’ Bob wanted to know which of the lads was my boyfriend. I asked which one did he think? He said he couldn’t decide whether it was Marcus or Flynn. (This is a problem I have myself, which is one of the reasons why neither of them is my boyfriend!) I said what about David? He said he had the impression that David was keen on Siranee (checked this with Alice and IT’S TRUE!!!). I said Marcus and Flynn are both just good friends. He said, “Really?” I said, “Yes, really.” But later I started thinking about it. Has Buskin’ Bob noticed some spark between me and Marcus? (He got David and Siranee right, after all, and he’d only just met them!) Or maybe he noticed something between me and Flynn? Is there something going on that even I don’t know about? Why am I always the last one to be told things?

  Looked after Jupiter the child and Mars the dog for Willow yesterday afternoon. Made them both go out in the garden so I didn’t have to worry about Jupiter setting fire to the flat while I made my phone calls. Mars chased a squirrel up a tree and couldn’t get back down. Rang 999 but, contrary to what you see on telly, the fire service doesn’t include rescuing dachshunds from trees in its job description. Next, rang Marcus in something of a panic as both Jupiter and Mars were AUDIBLY upset. Marcus got Mars down with no trouble. Marcus said he hoped I was paying attention to how handy he is to have around. I said I rang him, didn’t I?

  Rang Sappho to ask her if she thinks letting a boyfriend take over your life could be genetic. She said only if you think that the inability to put down a toilet seat is also genetic.

  MONDAY 24 SEPTEMBER

  Aunt K finally got two letters today!!! Not that it was exactly worth the wait. I know beggars can’t be choosers, but these girls would never be selected to go on Jerry Springer! Their letters practically redefine dull and boring. I swear they could put a starving tiger to sleep. Told Flynn how DISAPPOINTED I am. I said I want exciting problems – abusive uncles, incestuous relationships with brothers and cousins, tortured teens worrying about their sexuality, children driven to the edge by parents who make them scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush every morning before school… But what do I get? I get fat thighs and I had a fight with my mum. Flynn said maybe Life is more about imperfect bodies and domest
ic rows than you’d think from watching telly. [Note to self: If television isn’t a reflection of reality, what is it?] At least the letters were easy to answer. (Half the people in the world have fat thighs – it’s not a handicap unless you want to be a catwalk model, and EVERYBODY fights with their mother.) I can only hope the next batch is better!

  TUESDAY 25 SEPTEMBER

  Discussed the shallowness and drabness of most people’s lives again with Flynn. He said maybe I should jazz up the letters a bit to make them more exciting. It’s tempting, but I don’t think it’d work. I mean, the person who wrote the letter will know that it isn’t what (s)he said and then Aunt K will lose her credibility. Flynn said anyway, it’s still early days yet. Something juicy might be just a letter away. Not today it wasn’t.

  Sappho and her BUMP (otherwise known as Mount Everest!) came over for supper. Sappho says she isn’t sure she and Mags are doing the right thing having a child when the World Situation is so bad. I said things have always been this bad (there are a lot of history programmes on the telly, so I know what I’m talking about!) and I didn’t see what the problem was. I said it was all right in the past if you were rich or a lord, or something, but everybody else got hanged or shipped to Australia if they so much as nicked a crust of bread. (I found myself thinking that hanging was a better idea so at least their descendants couldn’t come back and brainwash your Best Friend!) Sappho agreed that life on Earth has never been a picnic for most people, but she said this is the closest we’d ever come to actually destroying the planet. I said well, that’s progress, isn’t it?

  WEDNESDAY 26 SEPTEMBER

  As you know, I don’t usually hang out with Disha after school any more because she’s always off to meet Ethan before he goes to work, but today he had something else to do, so I went over to hers. Mrs Paski said it seems like she never sees me any more. I said that’s because she doesn’t. D and I hung out in her room. It’s amazing how she can get Ethan into conversations that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with him. If we talk about school, she says, “Ethan says when he was in school blah blah blah.” If we talk about clothes, she says, “Ethan says that clothes blah blah blah.” If we talk about parents, she says, “Ethan says that his parents blah blah blah.” Mentioned in passing that it must be possible to get through just one whole sentence without bringing Ethan into it – she used to, didn’t she? – and she got all snotty. She wanted to know if I was still cheesed off that he asked her out and not me. I said I was BORED not jealous.

  THURSDAY 27 SEPTEMBER

  Two more deadly dull letters for Aunt K. The first was from someone who wanted to know if it was true you can’t get pregnant the first time (Answer: No, it isn’t true. Aside from the Virgin Mary, who got pregnant WITHOUT a first time, women have been known to get pregnant without even realizing they had sex!). The second was from He Loves Me So Much, whose boyfriend is v possessive and jealous (Answer: Jealousy is not a sign of affection, it’s a sign of insanity!). Ms Staples said I should try to remember that though I think the problems I’m sent are dull and humdrum, to the people writing they’re dire and HUGELY important. I said it just proves that subjective reality is really unreliable, doesn’t it? Then she reminded me that my copy’s due in next week. The SOONER the BETTER. She said if I was having trouble getting my material together she could always give me a hand. I thanked her, but said that I’m here to GIVE help, not take it!

  FRIDAY 28 SEPTEMBER

  At last! Just when I was beginning to think I was living in a cereal commercial, a REALLY INTERESTING letter came for Aunt K today. It’s from someone who’s worried that her best friend might be seeing one of her teachers!!! Worried Mate’s friend told her she met this bloke at the gym she goes to. She said he was one of the trainers and his name was Fred. Worried Mate wanted to get a look at this bloke, of course, so she decided to surprise her friend at the gym one afternoon and get a glimpse. Her friend wasn’t there. The person on the desk said her friend hadn’t been in for weeks. And THERE AREN’T ANY TRAINERS NAMED FRED!!! Worried Mate asked her friend what was going on and her friend told her to MIND HER OWN BUSINESS!!! Now she won’t talk about Fred AT ALL. Worried Mate says they’ve NEVER had any secrets from each other before, so she knows this has to be something really MAJOR, like a teacher or a married man. This is the sort of problem that makes an Agony Aunt’s day!

  Nan came over for supper tonight. It’s almost a shame that Buskin’ Bob isn’t her son; they get on so well. The two of them banged on about the inhumanity of man towards man (and towards every other thing on the planet as far as I can tell) through the whole meal. Apparently Nan’s new Jesus group doesn’t just sit around reading the Bible all the time; they believe in DOING as much as PRAYING. So Nan’s becoming a Christian activist!!! (The Prime Minister worries a lot about hardcore anarchists – just wait till he has to deal with HARDCORE GRANS!!!) Nan said that since she had PERSONAL experience of the horror that is war she’s even joined a Christian peace group. They believe that the Thou Shalt Not Kill commandment should be taken literally – as in you shouldn’t kill anyone. She says she reckons that she knows exactly what Jesus would do if He were here now – and it wouldn’t be to bomb innocent people who have already suffered enough.

  SATURDAY 29 SEPTEMBER

  Helped Flynn sort through the fiction submissions for the magazine today because he was a bit overwhelmed (maybe in the rest of Britain the teenagers are all couch potatoes, but at our school at least half of them are writing stories either about Falling in Love or saving the world from an alien invasion). To thank me, Flynn took me to lunch at that conveyor-belt sushi restaurant in the West End. It’s v hi-tech and très trendy. The sushi wasn’t bad, but I didn’t get much to eat because it’s v difficult to hold a conversation and keep up with the dishes drifting past at the same time – it was all right for Flynn because he mainly listens. I told Flynn about Worried Mate’s letter. I said if only I had more like that, my first column would be ABSOLUTE DYNAMITE. Flynn said it’s too bad I can’t write to myself, what with all the problems I’ve had/have in my life. If he hadn’t had a mouthful of raw tuna at the time, I think I would’ve kissed him!!! I told him he was a genius. Why didn’t I think of that before? All I have to do is write letters myself. The first one’s going to be about how I’m feeling about Disha in Love. (She’ll never recognize herself – she’s much too self-absorbed). I don’t consider this dishonest, because if I wasn’t Aunt K I probably would write to her about this situation (God knows, there’s nobody else I can talk to about it without sounding JEALOUS – which after much soul-searching I absolutely know that I’m not!). I CAN’T WAIT to hear what I say!!!

  SUNDAY 30 SEPTEMBER

  Thinking about abandoning both art and literature to pursue a brilliant career in psychotherapy instead. I DEFINITELY have a talent for it (must have got more from Sigmund than just small ear lobes!). It’s taken me ALL DAY, but I’ve written an excruciatingly interesting letter and the reply. Here’s what I said to Last Year’s Christmas Present (that’s ME!):

  Dear LYCP, First off, you have nothing to apologize for. Of course you’re feeling a bit hurt and rejected because your best friend has abandoned you for her new boyfriend. Think of all the hours, days and years you’ve spent together. All the Kodak moments and secrets of youth you’ve shared. It would be strange if you didn’t miss her. Especially the way she’s carrying on! It’s never pleasant to watch someone you respect and admire turn into a zombie right before your eyes. But it’s a sad fact of life that many women do change when they get a boyfriend. All of a sudden they’re interested in football and how many megabytes their computer has, and they won’t wear pink because it reminds HIM of some medicine he was given as a child. They stop seeing their old friends not just because they’re OBSESSED with their New Love, but because they don’t want anyone to tell HIM that football puts them to sleep and half their wardrobe could belong to Barbie. But what you’re feeling is NOT jealousy. It’s SORROW and HURT! What you have to under
stand is that, in the words of the poet, nothing lasts for ever – and nothing lasts less time than a passion built only on physical attraction. In time your friend will come to her senses and be back to her old self. Before you know it, the two of you will be sitting around, laughing about what a dork he is!

  I feel better already! It’s so good that I decided to write a second letter. This one’s from Scared of My Own Shadow. It’s meant to be from someone who has been so affected by all the things there are to worry about in the world that she’s afraid to go anywhere or do anything. It takes all the strength she has to go to school. Not only is she afraid of all the things everybody else is worried about (car accidents, plane crashes, tornadoes, cholesterol, etc.) but she worries about pianos falling out of windows and things like that. Aunt K says:

  It’s a known fact that most accidents happen in the home and are caused by tea-cosies. And it’s not just killer tea-cosies you have to worry about either. A man in Putney was watching cricket on the telly one Saturday afternoon when two men broke into his flat and shot him in the leg and he bled to death (they were after someone else). So put on your jacket and get out of the house. Home is the last place you want to be.