Planet Janet in Orbit

by Dyan Sheldon

  SUNDAY 28 OCTOBER

  The party was an INCREDIBLE, GINORMOUS success!!! Everybody said so. The decorations were brilliant, the costumes were brilliant and there was a lot of food. Even Catriona Hendley was v enthusiastic! (which could be because she won the prize for Best Costume, as two of the judges were men – even though one’s an EXPERT on human behaviour and the other has his mind on HIGHER THINGS. I reckon this is evidence in favour of the Nature over Nurture argument!). Anyway, guess who Flynn came as? THE BLOKE FROM THE MATRIX! I was COMPLETELY SURPRISED. But I was even more surprised when I saw Marcus. He came as the bloke from The Matrix too! (And if you think I was STUNNED, you should’ve seen their faces when they saw each other!) Of course, this being Life on Planet Earth, it wasn’t all gaiety and laughter – there were a few tense moments. The first was when I went into the kitchen to show the MC my costume and discovered the three Hotspurs drinking tea (they all looked like they’d been through the wash!). I said I thought they were going camping. The MC said maybe I hadn’t noticed but it’d been pissing down since last night. Their tent collapsed and they had to come home. (Since I didn’t want to start a fight right then, I didn’t point out that this ISN’T their home!) This was followed by some high drama because, even though it was agreed that the Deadly Duo would watch telly in Justin’s room and not bother me and my guests, Lucrezia went BERSERK because she wanted to come to the party. So we didn’t all end up with migraines, I said she and Marcella could come for ten minutes. Then she went even more berserk because she wanted to wear a costume. This time it was the MC who caved in like a sandcastle and said she’d see what she could find. (Lucrezia came as a lampshade!) The next tense moment was when Sigmund turned up with a bottle of champagne. Sigmund was as surprised to see Buskin’ Bob and his progeny as everybody else was to see him! Using the skills he’s developed over decades of professional psychoanalysis, Sigmund asked the MC why she was looking at him like that. She said because she hadn’t known that he was coming. (BOTH of them then glared at ME, of course! I sometimes think the only reason they had me was so they’d have someone to blame for every little thing that goes wrong.) I said it is my SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY you know, and, unless the Mad Cow had some dark secret to reveal, Sigmund is my father. Sigmund started muttering that he didn’t want to be in the way (something that has never bothered him before), but Buskin’ Bob (obviously très affected by being in a collapsing tent in a monsoon with Lucrezia) made the first joke I’ve ever heard him make (possibly the ONLY joke he’s ever made!). Robert said he wasn’t going to let a man with a bottle of champagne leave. Not after the weekend he was having. Sigmund sat right down. He loves to hear other people’s problems even when he isn’t being paid by the hour. [Note to self: Is this because it’s his job or because it makes him feel better about the mess he’s made of his own life?]

  Rang Disha first thing this morning to tell her what a BRILLIANT time we all had. (I know this may sound a wee bit petty, but I asked Aunt K and she said it would be wrong not to, since true friendship is based on honesty.) Disha said she’d thought I was angry with her. I said I was a bit irked but I got over it. Anyway, I was more HURT than angry. I said I just don’t understand why she’s being so weird. She said she’s not being weird, I just don’t understand how hard it is being in Love. I said I hadn’t realized it was meant to be hard – I thought it was meant to be fun. If she’s anything to go by, I don’t really want to find out what it’s like. Disha said the party sounded really excellent. She was sorry she missed it. She said she supposed everybody wondered where she was, and I said no, they were getting used to her not being around.

  Sigmund gave me my first driving lesson today! (We hadn’t gone round the block when he wanted to know what the rattling sound was – he thought the exhaust was falling off again. I said not to worry, it was just the bottles for recycling in the boot). All things considered, I thought it went v well. I feel I have a natural talent for driving as well as for literature, art and problem-solving. Sigmund took me to a deserted car park on an industrial estate behind King’s Cross where I could drive round without having to worry about anybody hitting us (London drivers are NOTORIOUSLY bad). There’s more to this driving lark than you’d think though, especially if your parents are old fogeys who still drive a manual! It’s just as well there were no other cars about as it was all très intense. Nonetheless, I’ve already mastered starting and stopping. (I’m particularly good at stopping because changing gear is v tricky and you have to do things with your feet and your hands all at the same time.) I did suggest that maybe it was time the Bandrys joined the age of technology and got an automatic, and Sigmund said he’d sooner get a new daughter than a new car. (Whoever said psychoanalysts don’t have a sense of humour? The man’s practically a laugh a line!) While we were waiting for the Mini to recover from having its engine flooded (apparently MY fault!), Sigmund said he’d had a good time at my party (all things considered!). I said, “You mean all things like Buskin’ Bob considered?” He said more like the fact that no one had known he was coming. Sigmund said Robert seemed like a nice bloke. I said you’re just saying that because you think your professional reputation would be damaged if it got out that you’d like to feed Robert’s liver to the wild dogs of Clapham. Sigmund said no, he really likes Robert. He thinks he has some v sound ideas. I said and which one would that be? I said he’d feel differently if Buskin’ Bob had had his guitar with him. Sigmund said it looked to him like the MC was v keen on Robert. He certainly didn’t get the impression she was thinking of dumping him and getting back with the father of her children any time this millennium. I said you can never tell with women though, can you? They’re enigmas. He said, “Speak for yourself!”

  Invited Disha round tonight but she’s too depressed to enjoy herself. She said she’s never felt like this before. Can’t eat … can’t sleep … thinks about him all the time… I said it sounded to me like she’s ill. She said only with Love. If you ask me, Love should come with a Government Health Warning.

  MONDAY 29 OCTOBER

  Since it’s half-term, this was day two of my driving lessons. I only stalled four (possibly five) times AND I got into THIRD GEAR! Got a little confused with the lights and the indicators and couldn’t find the horn, but all in all I made quite a bit of progress for a beginner. While we were driving round the car park, Flynn rang to see how it was going and Sigmund went WILD because I answered the mobe. I said but it was ringing. He said YOU DON’T TALK ON THE PHONE while you’re driving. I said was he blind? EVERYBODY talks on the phone while they’re driving. He said well, they shouldn’t. Especially if they can’t drive. And then (despite his PATHOLOGICAL lack of interest in his youngest child) he suddenly remembered that I don’t have a mobe and wanted to know where it came from. I said I bought it with the money I made in the summer, didn’t I? Once he’d calmed down, I asked him when he thought I’d be ready to take to the road and he said as soon as I’d mastered only stopping when I mean to. The MC invited him in for tea when he brought me back!!! (I knew she’d soften once she got used to having him about again!) I left them alone, of course, but I did hear her ask him how it was going. He said about what you’d expect! Didn’t I say I was a natural?

  You’d think it’d be easy to return a pair of boots, wouldn’t you? I mean you go to the shop, you give them the boots and they give you your money back. Could anything be SIMPLER? Apparently the answer to that question is: YES – crossing the Channel in a washing-up bowl. You wouldn’t believe the palaver! First of all, the sales assistant gave me this ginormous hard time because I’d lost the receipt. I said look at them – you know they came from here. He said he knew no such thing. He said they could’ve come from another shop on the road. I said, “But you were here when I bought them. Don’t you remember? I was with a v tall boy with plaited hair.” He said there was more than one v tall boy with plaited hair round here and he saw at least five of them a day. I said that he was being COMPLETELY unreasonable and that my stepfathe
r was a solicitor so I know my rights. That convinced him! He said he wouldn’t give me cash but I could exchange them for something else in the shop. Compromise is, of course, très important in Life, so I accepted this offer even though I’d rather have the dosh. Went to the back where they keep the clothes. I had a pair of black trousers with tons of pockets and zips in my hand and was debating whether or not I think corduroy’s going to come back in when this bloke came up behind me and told me to get into the changing-room. I said, “Hang on a minute, I haven’t decided what I’m trying on yet!” He said, “NOW!!!” and gave me a poke. I said, “OI!” and turned round pretty sharply, of course. He was wearing a ski mask and POINTING A GUN AT ME! Then he said, “This is a hold-up,” just like in films. [Note to self: Does Art imitate Life, or is it the other way round?] There were three other girls in the shop and they were being herded to the changing-rooms by another geezer in a ski mask. (God knows what thieves did before skiing became a popular sport!) As soon as we got in the changing-room the other girls started crying. I didn’t see the point. I mean, it’s not going to make the robbers change their minds, is it? The only effect crying hysterically might have is to annoy them so much they shoot you. And I really wanted to try on the black trousers. I don’t think the robbery took too long. One minute I was surrounded by weeping women, and the next they were charging back into the shop to greet the police. I was grateful. It was way too crowded (and too distracting!) to really see what my bum looked like with that lot in there sobbing away. I was still studying myself in the mirror when someone started shouting through the curtain for me to come out. I said I was just in the middle of something. He said he was a police constable and he needed to take a statement. I said right, I’d only be a minute. He said, “NOW!” (He sounded just like the bloke with the gun.) So I never got to exchange the boots because the assistant was all involved with the cops. Took the boots home and stuck them at the back of my wardrobe. I don’t seem to have much luck with boots. I wonder if that means something. Maybe I should ask Willow.

  I sat down with all Aunt K’s new letters tonight to write her replies so I’m ready when the copy’s due in next week. Of course, they’re less INSPIRING than watching lettuce rot – weight, skin, jealous boyfriend, etc. (Once again I have to ask myself: Where’s the Passion? Where’s the conflict? Where’s the blood and mud of LIFE?) I started to doze off. But just as sleep was trying to save me from terminal boredom I was struck by yet another BRILLIANT idea for a problem that resonates with Passion and conflict! (I will admit that I probably wouldn’t have thought of it if Rose Bandry the Thirteenth Disciple wasn’t my grandmother. How can they say I never listen?) This beats the pants off Even After All He’s Done Should I Take Him Back? (Answer: NO! Give someone else a chance to ruin your life!) Anyway, here’s a REAL and excruciatingly dramatic problem – and it isn’t anything that could wind up Mr Cardogan either!

  Dear Aunt Know It All, My brother just announced that he’s gay. My father says that according to the Bible homosexuality is an abomination and has thrown my brother out of the house. Is this true? Does this mean I shouldn’t have anything to do with my brother either?

  Answer: Yes, it is true that Leviticus says homosexuality is an abomination. Leviticus says a lot of things: that anyone who consults the dead should be stoned to death and that only God can own land, and then there’s a lot of detailed information about how to make animal sacrifices. I hope your father is making the proper blood offerings and growing a beard or he’ll be in trouble even if he never speaks to your brother again. As for you, you have to make your own decision, but keep in mind that the Bible (though not Leviticus, of course) also has a lot to say about compassion and not judging others. If you do choose to join your father, I might know where you can get a non-defective goat.

  TUESDAY 30 OCTOBER

  Disha got tired of crying over Ethan in her room and came to the Body Shop with me today to help spend some of my birthday dosh. (Even Buskin’ Bob can’t have anything against Body Shop, so I’m safe there.) Ran into Lila, former best friend of Catriona Hendley! This was my chance to get the story first-hand. Asked Lila where the Hendley was. Lila said she didn’t know because they weren’t actually speaking to each other at the moment. I asked her what had happened. She said Catriona’s pissed off because Lila borrowed a jacket of hers to take on holiday and never gave it back. I said oh, really? Then she went into a long saga of why she couldn’t give it back (because she left it in San Francisco), why she couldn’t replace it (it’s irreplaceable) and why she’s pissed off with Catriona (because Catriona’s pissed off with her). I could tell she was making it up as she went along. When she finally stopped for air, I asked her what the name of the gym Catriona goes to was, as I was thinking of doing an aerobics course. Lila acted all bewildered and said she didn’t know Catriona belonged to a gym. After Lila went off I said to Disha, “SEE?” She said, “See what?” She said Lila told me exactly what she’d told her. I said but it isn’t the truth. Disha said I only have my word for that. I said no sane people argue over a jacket, for God’s sake. Disha said it’s been known to happen. I said well, what about the gym? Disha asked if it had ever occurred to me that maybe Catriona DOESN’T belong to a gym? That maybe the letter in the paper wasn’t about HER? I said now she sounded like Flynn!

  Flynn came round this evening to help me study for my driving theory test. We wound up in HELPLESS FITS OF LAUGHTER because some of the multiple-choice answers were so stupid (e.g. What should you do before you set out in the fog? – b: Top up the radiator with anti-freeze!). Also, I got a lot of the questions wrong. Flynn said, “For God’s sake, Janet, it’s always the first answer.” I said but that didn’t always seem right to me. Flynn said to think of the test like a school exam. They’re not asking you to think, just to memorize the right answer. Buskin’ Bob was watching the news (which, for Robert, is NOT a spectator sport – he actually talks back to the box!) when Flynn was leaving. No sooner had the door shut behind Flynn than Robert stopped arguing with the presenter to talk to me. He said, “So is Flynn your boyfriend?” (God knows why he’s obsessed with MY love life – you’d think he had enough to keep him busy with his own!) I said I’d already told him we were just good friends. He said we were laughing a lot. I said in my experience the sign of a relationship is when everybody stops laughing. Also, I think it’s v immature to jump to conclusions like that.

  WEDNESDAY 31 OCTOBER

  Went to the zoo with Marcus today. Marcus doesn’t like to go INTO the zoo because they’re too much like jails – though their standards are higher than human jails, of course – but you can see quite a bit from outside. We both like the elephants best. We were strolling back talking about Life, etc. when who did I spy with my little eye but Queen Catriona. She said she couldn’t stop to talk because she was meeting someone. I asked who. She said nobody I know and dashed off! I wanted to follow her. Marcus wanted to know why. I said so I could see who she was meeting. Marcus said, “Who cares who she’s meeting?” I said I did – in case it was Mr Plaget. Marcus said, “OK, I give up. Why would she be meeting Mr Plaget?” I told him my theory. Marcus thought this was possibly the funniest joke I’d ever made. He said sometimes he thinks I have a really interesting mind and sometimes he just thinks I’m not really from this planet. He said Mr Plaget has a girlfriend. I said it has been known for men to cheat on their girlfriends. Marcus said, “You haven’t met Mr Plaget’s girlfriend, have you?” [Note to self: How is it possible that men, who are prone to violence and a love of power, etc., can be so trusting and gullible at the same time?] By the time we finished this discussion the Hendley had vanished, of course. Marcus was relieved. He didn’t want to play spy, he wanted to get something to eat since it’d been at least three hours since his last MAJOR intake of food. So we headed for the high street. We were just about to go into a café when I heard what sounded like a sewing machine, and when I glanced round, Mr Plaget’s Beetle went past. I punched Marcus and said, “Do you see th
at? It’s Mr Plaget!” Marcus said, “So?” I said, “He’s obviously on his way to meet Catriona.” Marcus said he was going the wrong way. I’d never realized what a nit-picker he was before. (It’s just as well I don’t really fancy him!) Marcus said he’d decided that I do have an interesting mind, but only because I’m totally in orbit.