Planet Janet in Orbit

by Dyan Sheldon

  No sign of Buskin’ Bob at all this weekend! And today when we got back from my lesson the MC asked Sigmund if he wanted to stay for supper. Sigmund said yes. He said he felt as if he’d just crossed the Atlantic on a raft pursued by sharks and needed some adult company (which seemed to mean the MC!). She made his favourite: macaroni cheese with crushed crisps on top. He’s never really grown up, if you ask me. I reckon that Peter Pan probably lived on macaroni cheese and chocolate biscuits too! (But without the white wine and fags.) I wonder if anyone’s ever done a scientific study on the relationship between food preferences and emotional maturity. (One of my favourite foods is smoked salmon, of course!) Just to prove that CHANGE really is the nature of the universe, we had a v pleasant family meal with no singing or lectures on Corporate Greed.

  WEDNESDAY 14 NOVEMBER

  Forget Thorpe Park. If you want a real white-knuckle ride, Love is obviously the thrill of choice. Disha’s rollercoaster is swinging madly amongst the clouds again. She was brighter than a spotlight today because she and the Wizard are back on. It’s no wonder her brain has turned to slush, she must be exhausted from all the toing and froing. [Note to self: Is Love anything more than a faulty light switch in the electrics of the heart?] Disha said the good bits are more than worth the bad bits. Also, what can she do – she’s in Love? I said I didn’t realize it was meant to be a terminal disease. I said she sounds like one of those old American blues songs sung by a woman who’s going to end up with a broken heart as well as a few broken bones. Disha thought I was joking. She said she prefers the love songs about being complete and blissed out and never having any meaning in your life before you met him. I said I didn’t see how a VIRTUAL STRANGER could do all that. (Esp. one who has hairy ears!) I said if she hadn’t met Ethan, she would’ve met someone else and be saying the same things about HIM. Disha said I’m wrong! She said she would probably have gone her whole life without ever Falling in Love. I said I couldn’t believe that the survival of the species depended on a chance meeting like that. If it did, there’d probably only be about six humans alive and they’d all look alike and need help getting out of the rain. Disha said what about all those women after the World Wars who always remained true to the soldiers they loved who never came back? I said I reckoned that after a World War they wouldn’t have had much choice, considering how few soldiers actually did come back. I said what about Sleepless in Seattle? Tom Hanks finds True Love twice. D said that some people’s destiny includes two Loves of your Life – but not hers.

  THURSDAY 15 NOVEMBER

  Flynn says it’s ironic that I can sort out everybody’s problems but Disha’s. I said I thought it would probably help if Disha realized she has a problem.

  SATURDAY 17 NOVEMBER

  Today’s driving lesson was cut short by a flat tyre. First Sigmund went mad because I didn’t realize we had a puncture and kept driving. I said I thought he wanted me to concentrate on getting down the road without hitting anything. Also, how was I meant to know we had a puncture when the only smooth ride in the Mini is when you’re parked? Then he went mad because he had to take the bottles out of the boot to get to the jack. Sigmund said it doesn’t count as recycling if you never actually take them to the bottle bank. I said not to tell me; I was just the child. Then he had another fit because the jack wasn’t in the boot. I said the MC moved it to make room for the bottles (which was true except for the bit about the MC, since she doesn’t do anything if she can get me to do it, but I don’t see why I should take the blame – I’m completely in favour of just throwing the bottles in the bin like we used to!). As soon as we got back to the House of Horror he started yelling at the MC about the jack and the bottles, etc. It really was like old times. If Justin had been there grunting and pawing the ground I’d’ve thought I’d been dreaming the whole separation. Went to my room for some peace and quiet.

  SUNDAY 18 NOVEMBER

  Apparently Sigmund woke up this morning knowing that today was the day I should learn to park. I said I knew how to park, you just pulled into the space. He said he meant parallel parking. I said I never intended to use it. He said I might have to. All I can say is LET’S HOPE NOT!!! He made me drive all the way to Dollis Hill because the streets are wider and not as busy as round ours. If you ask me, they put the kerb too close to the road. It’s virtually impossible not to hit it or go over it. Was TOTALLY SHATTERED by the time I finally got into the space, what with all the yelling and screaming (and clinking of the bottles in the boot). Sigmund wanted to know how I could be seventeen and not know the difference between PARALLEL and PERPENDICULAR. I said I did know the difference but I didn’t think it really mattered with the Mini since it hardly sticks out at all. He said he can’t wait till I get to hill starts. He said perhaps in the future we should bring the mobe with us after all so I’ll be able to ring for the ambulance when he has a heart attack.

  Despite yesterday’s argument about the recycling, it looks to me like my little plan is working très brilliantly. As soon as we got back to the House of Horror Sigmund went straight into the kitchen for yet another cup of tea!!! The MC didn’t bat an eyelid! She said, “Bad Day at Black Rock?” Sigmund said teaching me to drive made the Gunfight at the OK Corral look like a church picnic. I laughed too. I do feel it’s important for them to have their little jokes if they’re going to patch things up.

  TUESDAY 20 NOVEMBER

  Mr Belakis kept the art room open after class, so Marcus and I worked on our art projects all afternoon. I was going to do one of those traditional portraits with everyone posed in their good clothes, but though my family don’t think very much they do move about a lot, so I’m making it more active. Marcus was v impressed with my depiction of Nan lobbing the balloon at the police van. We got so absorbed in our work that the only three cars left in the car park when Mr Belakis finally threw us out were Mr Belakis’s Volvo, Mr Plaget’s Beetle and Mr Tulliver’s Kawasaki. Ran into Catriona on the way out. Even though nobody asked her, she insisted on telling us how she’d had to stay late to work on the magazine AGAIN. Apparently the job of Editor-in-Chief is NEVER DONE. She said I must be deliriously happy that I’m just a feature writer – or will be if I ever write a feature. I said I was. I said I feel there are FAR MORE important things in life than correcting punctuation.

  FRIDAY 23 NOVEMBER

  We haven’t seen much of Nan lately because she’s always busy with her Bible group, but this weekend she’s going on a retreat with them and has dumped Mr Kipling on US. What with Marcella and Lucrezia popping up whenever they want, the Bandry residence has become a wildlife refuge. I asked Nan why Mr Kipling couldn’t go with her – she usually takes him EVERYWHERE. Apparently the Bible group already has a dog and Mr Kipling doesn’t like dogs. I would’ve got a dog myself if I’d known that. It would’ve saved me HOURS of scraping cat hair off my things.

  SUNDAY 25 NOVEMBER

  Marcus is about to start the part of his painting where his grandparents come to England and wanted to check out the light on a rainy autumn afternoon, so we went to the park. Apparently his grandparents used to hang out there when they first came over because the trees reminded them of home. (Either my image of Jamaica is COMPLETELY wrong or Marcus’s grandparents were v lonely!) Ran into Mr Plaget under an umbrella. We would’ve walked right past him but I recognized his ratty old sneakers (mathematicians don’t care about their appearance – Einstein used to turn up for important dinners in his pyjamas). The Beetle had broken down and he was taking a short cut home. Marcus wanted to know if I didn’t think that was a little odd? I said not at all. Our car was as old as Mr Plaget’s and it was ALWAYS breaking down. Marcus said not that – the fact that Mr Plaget was walking home instead of ringing the AA. I said I thought that was pretty rich coming from him since he’s always telling ME not to leap to the wrong conclusion. I said there could be a dozen reasons why he was walking. Marcus said he’d buy me a coffee if I could name even five. I had a mocha latte.

  FRIDAY 30 NOVEMBER


  It’s been one of those six-of-one, half-a-dozen-of-the-other days (and which days aren’t, right?). The first part was très brilliant. The second issue of the mag sold out by lunchtime. EVERYBODY was talking about Aunt K. Even Old Woolly Jumper gave me a knowing smile when I passed him in the corridor. That and the ASTOUNDING progress the Old Folk Not Quite at Home are making (no Buskin’ Bob ALL WEEK!) have certainly shown those nay-sayers like my mother, who didn’t think I was a gifted problem-solver! It wasn’t until the afternoon that the day sort of fell apart. As you can imagine, I was feeling v confident with all the positive feedback. Read out the letter from Don’t Know What to Do to Disha at lunch. I said I thought it was a tricky situation. What would she do? Disha said she’d tell her. (She said this with NO HESITATION!) She said it was the duty of a Best Friend to tell the truth – esp. about something like that. So I told her about seeing Ethan with Miss Bazooms on Hallowe’en. Did she fall into my arms sobbing with gratitude? Did she cry out OH, THANK GOD, AT LAST I KNOW THE HORRID TRUTH? Did she thank me for being the Best Friend a girl ever had? NO, SHE DID NOT!!! She went COMPLETELY MAD!!! First she was pissed off because I’d taken so long to tell her!!! She said she supposed I’d told everyone else I know and we were all laughing at her behind her back. And then she was pissed off because I’d told her at all. She said that at best I hadn’t seen what I had seen – that I’d LEAPED TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION AS PER USUAL – and that at worst I was making it up because I’m jealous of her happiness. I said what happiness would that be? She was usually depressed. She said I should mind my own business FOR A CHANGE! She said hadn’t I learned my lesson from my mistake about Catriona and Mr Plaget? (I knew I shouldn’t’ve told her about Flynn writing the letter. She’s always been a very TOLD-YOU-SO sort of person.) I said this was different. She said it wasn’t. She said I’ve been trying to throw a spanner in the works ever since she started seeing Ethan! I said I had not. Also, I wasn’t the only one who saw them. Marcus, Marcella and Lucrezia saw them too. She said and that means what? She said Marcella’s self-obsessed, Lucrezia’s on drugs and Marcus would say anything I told him to say. I said he would not (I couldn’t really argue with the other two objections). I said I was sorry – I was only trying to help. After all, it’s my duty as a Best Friend, isn’t it? Disha accepted my apology, but after that the atmosphere was a bit like Frosty the Snowman BEFORE the thaw. Decided to go round to Disha’s after school to patch things up. (I can see now, of course, that I should’ve left well enough alone. But I didn’t.) Ran into Flynn and Marcus on the way and they invited themselves along. I reckoned she’d be nicer to me if they were there, so I didn’t argue. Mrs Paski was just going out when we got there. She said Disha and Ethan were in the kitchen and told us to go on through. You’d think I’d turned up with a herd of wildebeest from the expression on D’s face, but Ethan acted like we were long-lost friends. Oh, Janet, it’s been ages… Oh, Flynn and Marcus, I’ve heard so much about you… So it was all blah blah blah until Disha started dropping hints that they wanted to be alone. As soon as we got outside, Flynn and Marcus had a go AT ME, of course!!! They said Ethan seemed like a nice bloke. Flynn said didn’t I say you were overreacting? Got so embroiled in this conversation that we were at the corner before I realized I’d left my schoolbag in Disha’s kitchen. Ran back to get it but I only got as far as the front door. There was such an almighty ROW going on inside that for a second I thought I’d stepped back in time and was listening to Sigmund and the MC! It was Ethan mainly. He was all INCENSED that there was something going on between Disha and MARCUS!!! Or maybe Disha and FLYNN!!! Or maybe Disha and BOTH OF THEM!!! I don’t know if it’s me, but JUST when I think I know how peculiar people can be they get worse. Then the PENNY FINALLY DROPPED! This explains everything! Why Disha and Ethan never hang out with the rest of us … why she didn’t come to my party … why she ran off that time we were having coffee with the lads because Ethan walked by, and then they had another fight… HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND? It was right there in front of me all the time and I didn’t see it!!! Sigmund was WRONG (as per usual). It isn’t Disha who’s jealous and possessive – it’s the Wizard of Oz! [Note to self: People often accuse innocent others of doing what they’re doing themselves – i.e. Ethan being jealous of Disha when all the time he was the one who was cheating. Is this to divert attention from themselves or is it because they assume everyone else is just as bad as they are?] I WAS TOTALLY GOBSMACKED! I just stood there with my jaw hanging like a chandelier. I felt like I’d been superglued to the Paskis’ front step. But not for long!!! I was still trying to ABSORB everything I’d heard when the door started to open (Ethan’s voice may carry over miles but his footsteps are silent as a moth’s!). It’s a bloody good thing that I’m used to thinking on my feet, that’s all I can say! I was in Mrs Paski’s herbaceous border faster than a flea on a cat! Ethan slammed the door behind him (so anyone who’d missed his shrieking would know he was angry) and strode down the path. I wasn’t breathing but I was praying. I reminded God that my Nan is a v close friend of His and begged Him to make Ethan go in the opposite direction to Marcus and Flynn. For once, He was listening! The first thing the lads said when I got back to them was, “Why have you got leaves in your hair?” The second was, “SO WHERE’S YOUR BAG?” I said it was a Hostage to Love!

  Tried ringing Disha when I got home but her mobe was off and no one answered the landline. I kept calling, “Disha! Disha! It’s ME!” on the answerphone but she wouldn’t pick up. All I got was Mr Paski’s voice telling me to please leave a message and someone would ring me back as soon as possible. I suppose she could’ve suddenly had to go to Moscow or been kidnapped by pirates because D didn’t ring back. I left six messages and then gave up. (It makes you think about progress, doesn’t it? Here we are at the pinnacle of civilization and all it means is that you get to humiliate yourself by leaving messages for someone who’s probably standing right there staring at the answering machine while pretending to be too busy to talk to you!) This is what happens when you listen to others!!! If I’d told Disha what I knew about Ethan right off, I could at least have saved her a couple more weeks of needless suffering. But OH, NO – I succumbed to peer pressure like everyone else. Have been in a deep and reflective mood all night. I can’t believe that all this drama and trauma has been going on for months and Disha didn’t tell me! I’m her Best Friend!!! She’s always told me EVERYTHING!!! And when I say EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING! (Who was the person she rang when the string broke on the tampon that time? That’s right, it was Janet Bandry!) I feel like we’re in a play together, but we’re working from different scripts.

  Marcus just rang to see if I’d talked to Disha. I said she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me! He said I shouldn’t take it personally. After all, she just had a MAJOR fight with her boyfriend so she’s probably too upset to talk to anyone. I said she’s always just had a major fight with her boyfriend. Also, I’M HER BEST MATE! Marcus said people in Love don’t have best mates until after the relationship’s over (which even in my distraught state I thought was a très profound thing to say – must remember it for Aunt K!).

  SATURDAY 1 DECEMBER

  Woke up with a GINORMOUS sense of responsibility re Disha. I felt it was time we had a SERIOUS conversation about her and Ethan. I had to make her see that Ethan’s jealousy doesn’t mean that he loves her – it just means he’s jealous. Also, she’s obviously in desperate need of some female support. Didn’t even ring to tell her I was coming to collect my schoolbag, but just turned up at her door. Mrs Paski said that D was still in bed but it was about time she rose to greet the day and I should go up. Disha was dressed but lying on her bed as if it was made of nails, smoking a cigarette. She was all red-eyed and gloomy (for a change!). I said if she didn’t stop puffing away like a chimney in winter she’s going to have a lot more to worry about than just love, and she gave me this UGLY look and said, “WHAT DO YOU WANT? HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH ALREADY?” I said, “What’s that supposed
to mean?” She said, “Bringing Marcus and Flynn round like that when you knew it was a Friday and Ethan would be there.” I said I had forgotten about that (which was TRUE!). I said and anyway, I didn’t think it would be a big deal since I’d HAD NO IDEA that the reason she never brought Ethan round was because he’s jealous and possessive. Disha said, “WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?!!” (IT ABSOLUTELY DEFIES BELIEF!!!) I told her what made me say that. I said that since I’d heard them arguing yesterday I’d been v worried about her. I said it sounded to me like Ethan has some unresolved issues (as in he’s out of his mind). She said so now I was an EAVESDROPPER as well! (I didn’t ask as well as what?!!) I said I wasn’t eavesdropping; the way they were screaming I would’ve heard them in Iceland. We went back and forth like a tennis ball at Wimbledon and then she TOLD ME TO LEAVE! She said she never wants to speak to me again EVER – not even if we’re reincarnated as giraffes a thousand years from now and I know where the best trees are. Came home and cried all afternoon! This is the most MEGA fight we’ve had since I lost her brown velvet shirt when we were fourteen.