SEAL Firsts

by Sharon Hamilton

  Chapter 25

  Shannon’s concern over Courtney’s condition had lessened, but she began to worry about the darkness that seemed to descend around T.J. involving his feelings towards his father. It worried her that he had no use for his own family. She wondered if love alone was enough to heal his pain, and how much of this pain would become part of her life.

  She also knew he wasn’t going to be able to come to her, that it would be her job to cross that ocean, prove to herself that she could handle T.J.’s intensity. Frankie had been easy to love, like her dad. But T.J.’s black mood was completely foreign to her, and she felt inadequate and more than a little afraid.

  The meds they’d given her were really beginning to kick in. She wanted to talk to T.J. when she wasn’t so distracted with the pain she could hardly think. She wanted him to go home, and come back rested so he could be fully present to her and Courtney. He needed to be able to feel her love.

  Tyler and T.J. had gone into the hallway to talk to security. She should have paid attention, but now she didn’t want to meddle. She had to trust him. The emergency C-section had scared her. But the possibility of losing her man, again, scared her even more. She remembered the folly of thinking she wanted to raise her child on her own. What a stupid idiot she’d been. She was lucky T.J. was so insistent, that he’d made that promise to Frankie, that although Frankie wasn’t perfect, he had the foresight to make T.J. make that promise. He knew perhaps better than anyone else did, that if T.J. promised, he would keep his word.

  But that didn’t mean T.J. would be able to make it smooth for her, despite what he might say. It was her job to toughen up, match him in every way. In grief and in joy. There would come a time when T.J. would need her as much as she needed him now, and she vowed to be there for him.

  Just like the men on SEAL Team 3 he served with so honorably, the guys Frankie would rather spend time with than anyone else in the whole world, she’d never give up. She’d go to her grave trying to give T.J. what he so richly deserved. It wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about being comfortable, staying out of trouble or any of the things she thought about that day when she married Frankie. It was all about being the best kind of woman she could be, rocking T.J.’s world and making sure he understood he was loved with every cell in her body. Was loved like he’d never been loved before, just like the words to her favorite song.

  She would love the stuffing right out of him and heal all his sharp edges in the meantime.

  Shannon wiped her cheeks just as T.J. and Tyler came into the room. “Everything go okay out there? I notice you didn’t get carted away.”

  The joke fell flat. Tyler looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

  “Tyler, can I have a word with my intended?” she asked. She liked that T.J. looked shocked. It wasn’t joy, but she’d take it anyway.

  Tyler wiggled his eyebrows. “You guys okay if I take a cab home? I’m kinda missing Kate right now.”

  “I’ll drive you,” T.J. said.

  “No, he’ll take a cab, because right now I need to talk to you, T.J. But we’ll pay for it, right?” she said as she looked at T.J.’s puzzled expression.

  “No worries, guys,” Tyler said. “And congratulations! I think the ladies are arranging a visit tomorrow. Best to get some one-on-one time before the crowd arrives. Later, Talbots.” He winked at the reference to a marriage that hadn’t yet occurred.

  “Sit here, hon.” She patted the bed where she’d slid her legs to the side to give him room. The hospital springs squealed as he sat his frame down but avoided eye contact. “Tell me,” she whispered, and then took his hand.

  He allowed her to thread her fingers through his. She rubbed her thumb over his in a gentle massage. He watched in what appeared to be detached silence. The electric, erotic trance their touch usually created was missing. T.J. was in a deep freeze.

  “Tell me,” she said again, softly, this time touching his arm and gently rubbing up and down.

  He stiffened, sat up straight, stuck his chest out and inhaled. Then he released her fingers and sat with his arms crossed, again not making any eye contact with her.

  She was going to wait all night. It wasn’t her place to speak up or ask him again. Twice was enough. She had to trust him. She watched the dark brown curls that were forming at his temples and behind his ears. His face in profile could have been the bust of an Native American Chief. She loved his broad nose and full lips, his leathered skin peppered with black stubble. She wanted to touch the dimple at the base of his chin, then kiss it softly as she’d done so many times. Shannon recalled what it felt like to lay her ear against his strong torso and marvel at his heart beating strong and true. He was a complicated package of strength and softness. He could be so fearless, like the day he’d hung those words on Courtney’s bedroom wall, pulling his heart out and handing it over like an innocent trusting youth. Or, he could be shut down, like tonight.

  The more he tried to be strong, the more she could see the soft, sensitive side of him. Why had she never seen these things before? Of course he would love her baby like his own. He was the kind of man who would love her more than he’d love his own life.

  He’d been holding his breath, but this time he closed his eyes and let it all out. When he opened them again and looked down at her, some of the spark was back. Just a little, but enough for now.

  “My dad is dying and wants me to come visit him.”

  “You talked to him?” She could feel his tension filling the room, and it scared her.

  “No, I talked to the inmate liaison, or whatever he’s called. The guy told me he has less than a week to live.”

  “Then you need to go see him.”

  T.J. stood, his hands in his jeans pocket. “I’m not doing that. I’m not letting that fucking man into my life. He didn’t want me. Well, I sure as hell don’t need him.”

  “Except that you would regret it your whole life, T.J.”

  “You have no idea what regret means, Shannon. Not like you ever had to worry about anything your whole life.” He refused to have eye contact with her. She could see how hard he was working to hold in his anger.

  The cruel statement had a ring of truth to it. She told herself he didn’t really mean what he’d said. She was not going to let him see how much he’d hurt her with that comment. “I was scared today. We both were.”

  He said something under his breath she couldn’t make out.

  “I have regrets, T.J. I regret that I made Frankie wait two years to marry me. I regret that we didn’t make love the night before he deployed. I regret I wasn’t a more appreciative daughter growing up. I regret picking so many fights with you, when you were just trying to help Frankie grow up. I was jealous of how he loved you, T.J. You did for him what I would never be able to do.”

  T.J. was watching her hands folded neatly in her lap. She smoothed the pink blanket over her thighs until there wasn’t a wrinkle or pucker anywhere.

  It was her turn to take in a deep breath. “It would have been painful, but I regret not being there, to hold Frankie for his last breaths. That should have been me, not you. And he never should have made you promise what you had to promise him.”

  “No, Shannon, don’t say that.”

  “Well, I didn’t make it very easy for you, did I? I think you scared me to death, the way you looked at me. I was scared of the way you made me feel when I was around you. And I’m going to be scared when you go overseas, because now I don’t know what I would do without you, T.J.”

  She didn’t recall a time when they had honestly looked into each other’s eyes the way they were right then. At the edges was the sexual tension, pulling them in that direction, but she wanted him to see that she could just as easily be his friend as his lover. For the first time, she just wanted to be there for him, without strings or expectations.

  “You won’t have to worry about that, honey,” he said, as he held her right hand. “I may have to go places, but I’m not leaving you. Ever.
”

  “Because you gave your word to a dying man. If you’re reconsidering what you promised, just know that you don’t have to—”

  T.J. quickly knelt by the bed and put both her hands to his lips.

  “Nonsense. Stop it,” he said to her fingers.

  “Would you have persisted if you hadn’t promised?”

  His eyes were watering when he answered, “That’s an unfair question. That’s not how it works.”

  “So you tell me how it works, T.J. How is all this going to work? How are you going to be a father to Courtney when you won’t go see your own father, who’s trying to reach out to you through time and space? I may not have a lot of things you have, but I do have love for my family. I know I could never live with myself if I let him die in a prison cell, knowing his son didn’t want to see him before he went. You’d hate yourself too, I just know you would. I don’t want that for you. I won’t bring that hatred into our family.”

  He stood back up and turned his back to her. She could tell he was weeping. His shoulders slumped forward. She carefully got out of bed with the clattering of plastic tubing and the wheels of the IV squeaking, and he turned around just in time to pull her to his chest. His heavy breath was on her neck, his fingers digging into her back as he clutched her through the hospital gown.

  She gently kissed the hair at his temple, whispering that she loved him while she allowed herself to melt into him, until the pain of her incision sharpened and she stiffened involuntarily and then stepped back slightly.

  “Baby, did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to—”

  “Shhh. I’m fine. I got a little carried away is all. There will be time for that.” She grabbed one hand and turned toward the door. “Right now I want to go see our baby, T.J. I want to watch as you touch her.”

  He brought his forehead to meet hers and nodded. “Okay. We’ll do that.”

  With the assistance of the nurses, another chair was brought into the nursery, and T.J. was properly gloved and gowned. Shannon leaned into his side as he placed his hand through the plastic seam and gave Courtney a tickle to her cheek. The baby’s complexion was a deep pink, but getting lighter almost before their eyes.

  “Tomorrow I think maybe you can feed her,” the head nurse said from the other side of the warming unit.

  “Really?”

  “Well, she needs your early milk as soon as you feel up to it. I’ll help you pump a little so you’ll be ready tomorrow.”

  “Oh, and I’d love a shower.”

  “Not for a couple of days. The doctor. has to inspect your incision tomorrow. Maybe day after. But I’ll bring you some things to freshen up.” She turned, and after giving T.J. a look that told him she didn’t trust him to behave, left the room.

  “I’m not letting that woman touch you. If there’s going to be any washing up, I’m doing the washing.”

  Courtney was fussing, trying to push the mask off her face with flailing fingers and arms. T.J gave her his little finger and she grabbed it.

  “Yeah. You’re gonna play softball. You’ll be a pitcher with that grip.”

  Chapter 26

  T.J. had a hard time sleeping. The nurses made up a bed next to Shannon, and he’d fallen asleep off and on after watching her doze off, their fingers weaving together like they’d been doing it for fifty years. He’d tried several times to pull back his arm, which had fallen asleep from the elbow down, but each time, Shannon grabbed onto him harder, and he was unable to extricate himself without waking her. It made him smile and count his blessings.

  Earlier, before he’d finished his private visit with Courtney, a young neonatal intern joined him. The young man patted him on the shoulder and took a careful look at the baby. He listened to chest sounds and nodded, raising his eyebrows.

  “You’ve got a very strong little girl there.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Good thing she was so large. Hardly seems like she was, what, two weeks early?”

  “Doc had told us just two days ago she could be born at any time. I’m guessing she figured she was ready.”

  “Under the circumstances, I’d say we got lucky.” He repositioned his stethoscope around his neck. “I’m inclined to remove her mask and see how she does. Wanna do it?”

  “You sure?”

  “No, but I don’t hear anything that disturbs me. I think she can breathe on her own.”

  “She’s been fighting that thing ever since I got here tonight.”

  “Well, let’s give it a go and see how she does.”

  Though T.J. had stitched salty combat vets up, the idea of pulling tape off little Courtney’s fine light brown hair, ears and cheeks left him squeamish. “I think I’ll let you do it, if you don’t mind.”

  With the breathing mask removed, the baby eased into a deep sleep with regular up and down chest rhythms. He watched her for nearly a half hour, and then went in search of Shannon. There was a new crew at the nurses’ station, so he informed them he was joining Shannon.

  “We’re gonna let her sleep tonight. She can have the baby tomorrow,” he was told.

  A young pretty volunteer brought him a set of turquoise scrubs to use as pajamas, blushing as she presented them. He didn’t have the heart to tell her he never wore any, and thanked her with a wink.

  Shannon was finishing up a sponge bath.

  “You’re gonna love this. Courtney is breathing on her own.”

  “You’re kidding? That’s awesome!”

  “We just took the mask off, and the doc says she’s breathing completely without difficulty. They’ve still got her monitors on and will check throughout the night, but that’s a great sign, honey. Really remarkable, Shannon. I’m so proud of you both.” He watched Shannon towel herself off.

  “I can’t wait to get a real shower,” she said.

  T.J. leaned over and kissed her. “And I can’t wait to get you in the shower too.”

  He washed up in the private bath, but by the time he climbed into the hospital bed, Shannon was fast asleep. He extended her arm to his chest and held it there with both of his. Filtered light sliced into the room from the hallway. Outside, the sky was beginning to turn deep blue, and he willed himself to sleep. But as the early morning hours turned into real morning, the new sunlight was hard to sleep through.

  He thought about the conversation with Travis Banks. He wondered what kind of man could do a job like that, and then figured it was some kind of calling, like the calling he had to become a SEAL. Not many people understood his motivation to jump in harm’s way and not get any active recognition for it. The pay wasn’t that hot, the life insurance was adequate, but then if that occurred, he’d not be around to enjoy it. It was a good way, though, to secure his family’s future. Frankie’s policy was going to pay down the mortgage on the house so they didn’t have to pay PMI, and the rest would be saved. Courtney’s education would be paid for, thanks to Uncle Sam. Shannon would get a new air conditioner for the back bedroom.

  Voices in the hallway woke him several times. Each time, it got harder and harder to fall back asleep, so finally he got up, dressed and hung out at the nurses’ station for some free coffee. He was informed the local donut shop would be making the rounds in an hour, mostly for the staff, but they told him a lot of the dads really enjoyed that service.

  He was the only dad, of the several newly admitted couples, to spend the night, and he found that to be curious. How things had changed in his life. He wouldn’t have thought he could enjoy sitting quietly by, watching Shannon or the baby sleep. It had all been about doing midnight HALO jumps, or training missions in the glaciers of Alaska.

  T.J. decided to call Travis Banks.

  “Maybe you can help me with some decisions, Mr. Banks.”

  “I thought you’d call back, son.”

  “No promises, yet. But I’d like for you to fill in the details, if you could. I don’t know a thing about my dad.” After he said it, he wondered if this was a good idea, but his curiosity w
as getting the better of him.

  “I can’t tell you anything without his permission. So much easier, son, if you’d just come out here, then ol’ Bobbie Ray could decide for hisself what he wants to tell you.”

  “So his name is Bobbie Ray.” Maybe it would be easier for Travis, but T.J. could see it would be more difficult for him.

  “Yes, son. Bobbie Ray Stokes. He said he named you Bobbie Ray Junior, if you want to know.”

  “I could have gone a long time without knowing that.” He felt the familiar lurch in his stomach from fear, followed by slight nausea.

  “I understand.” Travis’ deep vocal tones ended on an even deeper, darker downturn.

  “Is my mother alive?”

  “I think that’s what he wants to talk to you about. I think he wants to tell you where you can find her, if you’re willing.”

  “I’m not sure I am.”

  “Well, it’s your decision, of course. We’re just here to help out.”

  “You enjoy your job?”

  “Job? Oh, I see what you mean. No, son, this is not a paid position. I’m a volunteer. I have a little church about forty miles away. We do a lot of prison outreach. I’m only here three afternoons a week. The rest of my time, I’m tending to my other flock on the outside.”

  T.J. was pained with guilt he’d been so crusty to this man, who was obviously just trying to do something nice for the prison population. Guys like this were rare. He was glad that someone on the outside cared for these men, even if he couldn’t go there himself.

  “I’m sorry I got a little rough with you, Mr. Banks.”

  “You can call me Travis, and apology accepted. We all do the best we can do. You thought I was someone trying to insert hisself into your life without an invitation. A lot of people don’t come ‘round when a family member is in prison, and many don’t have family to talk to. So we try to give them just a little lifeline. But they gotta do all the heavy lifting themselves. We’re here to support that.”