The Art of Keeping Faith

by Anna Bloom

  “Okay, whatever. But you still need to call him. Try tonight, please.”

  “Okay, now stop nagging me. My head hurts enough as it is.”

  He wanders off and I resume my stare at the ceiling position.

  11.00 p.m.

  It’s a miracle, it is past eight and I am awake. Well, I say I am awake but what I really mean is that I have been asleep but have woken myself up so I can call Ben. I am hoping I can catch him before he goes on stage.

  Okay here it goes. Deep breath.

  Damn it.

  Voicemail.

  Okay here is goes again. Deep breath.

  “Ben, it’s me, listen I know you are busy and I completely understand but, well, um, I have been rather sick and I need to talk to you. Uh, please call me back if you can.”

  My voice starts to break as I finish and I hang up quick before he can hear. After I disconnect the call I realise I forgot to tell him that I love him.

  13th April

  Ben: Sorry you’re feeling poorly, and sorry I have not called. Will ring you tomorrow. Love you. xxx

  14th April

  Except he hasn’t, and I don’t know what to text him back. It’s the Easter holidays and I am stuck here, throwing up, feeling more and more depressed by the minute and I can’t even tell my boyfriend about it. It’s starting to suck badly.

  17th April

  Still nothing. I texted him yesterday, I couldn’t stop myself. Obviously I did not text him the big news. But I just dropped him a line to tell him that I miss him and that I hope the tour is going well.

  Nothing back.

  Meredith and Tristan have got to go out tonight, some award function that Tristan is invited to.

  I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I keep sodding crying. It’s ridiculous. Meredith has come in looking all super pretty which has made me cry, like a big baby.

  “What’s the matter, babe?”

  “I-i-i-i- d-o-n-t- k-n-o-w.”

  “It’s just your hormones, Lilah, don’t worry,” she assures me, leaning over me to give me a hug. The smell of her perfume makes me want to be sick again.

  “I-i-i-d-o-n-t-w-a-n-t-y-o-u- t-o- g-o- -o-u-t,” I say, making donkey noises.

  I would not be so upset if Beth or Jayne could come and sit with me, but they are also going out to the awards bash. They both heard there was a free bar and invited themselves along. I don’t think Tristan was overly impressed.

  “You will be fine,” she assures me again. “I’ve got to go and finish getting ready. I will come and check on you before we leave.”

  “O-k-a-y,”

  Half an hour later, I hear the doorbell chime.

  Then I hear a voice I am not expecting, and, no, it is not Ben.

  Richard.

  “Lilah sitting service,” he calls as he walks in.

  I should be embarrassed because I look terrible. Far, far worse than last time he saw me three weeks ago, before I even knew I was pregnant.

  His expression speaks volumes as he looks at me.

  “Shit, Lilah.”

  “Yeah, shit,” I say, trying to sit up.

  I throw up obviously.

  “Bloody hell. You really do have cooties,” he laughs.

  And for the first time in weeks I laugh as well.

  Cooties, my sodding arse.

  “Something like that,” I tell him.

  “Guess you don’t want the pizza or the beers I brought over?” He waves the plastic bag he is holding.

  “Rich! No don’t talk about food!” I shout. There is a list somewhere of all things people cannot mention near me. Basically anything you can eat or drink.

  It’s too late. I throw up again instantly.

  He comes and takes my sick bowl out of my hand.

  “No, you don’t have to,” I start to say.

  “Shut up, Lilah. And move the hell over. Where am I supposed to sit?”

  So I do.

  18th April

  Good Friday

  “Rich?” I feel a hand out along the bed. It comes up empty.

  Thank goodness he is gone. I am sure that if I wasn’t looking rough last night when I threw my guts up in front of him, then I sure as hell will be now. Not that it matters.

  “Nope, last time I checked my name was Ben.”

  What?

  Ben is here? I open my eyes instantly and attempt to sit up, but the vertigo hits as soon as my head is off the pillow. I roll back down onto my front with my face in my pillow.

  Kit is looking at me sympathetically, he would. Of course he is back in my room now that Ben is here.

  Oh shit, Ben.

  Rolling onto my side I try to find the location of his voice.

  He is sitting on the chair in the corner dressed in dark jeans and a jumper, his elbows resting on his knees and a guarded look across his face.

  He shifts a little and runs his hand through his hair before stretching out his legs in front of him and sitting back in the chair. The blues watch me intently.

  “Hi,” I say, without risking moving again. I could really do without being sick again, especially in front of Ben.

  “So,” he starts. Clearly pleasantries are not on the agenda this morning. “May I ask why my girlfriend is calling another man’s name first thing in the morning and searching for him in our bed?”

  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he’s rather cross.

  Can’t say I blame him.

  “Ben, it’s not what you think.” I try and shift myself upwards but my head starts to spin superfast and I know that I am going to begin gagging.

  I’ve managed to prop myself up onto both elbows before I get another sentence out. “I’ve been really sick, but Mer and Tristan had to go out last night and they did not want to leave me so they asked Rich to come over and sit with me.”

  It’s the truth but it sounds terrible. Even I would not believe me.

  Ben gives a little sigh and leans forwards again, resting his arms on his knees. “And where were Beth and Jayne?” he asks, a frown deepening between his eyebrows.

  I’m trying to watch him and maintain eye contact, but my vision has dots all around the edges and I am starting to tingle hot all over. I want to explain that Beth and Jayne were out with Tristan and Meredith, but I know I’m not going to get the words out.

  Instead I shout, “Ben, pass the bin?”

  He looks at me like I may finally have lost it.

  “Ben, pass the bloody bin!”

  This time he scoots forward out of the chair, but it is too late. I throw up all over the floor.

  It’s only water and it is not the first time I have been sick in front of Ben, but still.

  “Shit, Lilah,” Ben exclaims as he steps over my puddle and sits next to me on the bed.

  “Yep, I tried to warn you.” I offer a small smile and watch him, trying to gauge his emotions and reactions.

  He gives his head a slow nod.

  “Jesus, when you left that message I just thought you meant you were drunk and had a bad hangover.”

  “Nope, not drunk.”

  My brain goes into free fall: Ben’s here, right next to me. Ben is here and I have been sick in front of him. Ben’s just bloody here.

  Ben’s here and I am pregnant and not told him yet.

  Tell him now. Tell him now.

  I don’t though. I slowly scoot myself closer to him, completely aware that I smell hideous, and wrap my arms around him as tight as I can.

  My brave front of the last few weeks completely crumples and I practically climb into his lap, breathing in the smell of him, and tracing the feel of him with my fingers which slide over his back, shoulders and finally face.

  “I’m sorry, I’ve not been in contact that much, Lilah. Things have been completely crazy, but if I had known how sick you were I would have come straight home.” His voice is low and his arms tighten around me like a protective shell.

  I look up at him sharply. Has he guessed?


  “Ben, it’s just a bug.” I lie for no reason at all, other than the simple fact that I want to be able to hold him as long as possible before I change us forever with the words that I need to say.

  “Well I am here now, so you will have to tell Richard you no longer need his nurse maid skills.” He laughs but I can’t tell if he is being serious.

  “I am sure he will be relieved. Nobody wants to see someone throw up that much.”

  “Lay down, Lilah and I will go and make you some sweet tea.”

  Oh, God, no.

  It’s too late the word tea makes me start to gag again uncontrollably.

  “Shit, what the fuck is going on?” Ben asks completely flabbergasted. He hands me the bin with one hand, starting to rub my back with the other.

  I clutch the bin tight toward me and motion to a scrap of paper on the side.

  Eyebrows knitted together Ben reaches for it, briefly removing his hand from rubbing circles on my back.

  This time I am not sick, which is a good thing. The bad thing is that I make hideous noises trying to bring it under control.

  “‘Lilah’s Words not to Say,’” he reads out as I flop back onto the mattress.

  I give a small nod.

  The blues scan down the list and the frown between his eyebrows deepens even more.

  “No drinks made with a bag then?” he asks. I confirm with another nod. “No drinks made with caffeine or alcohol?” he adds scanning further.

  I nod again and then start to giggle a little.

  “I am so sorry, Ben. I guess that was not the welcome home you were expecting.”

  He gives a wry smile and I glance my eyes over his face, reading the changes there. He is thinner again and the hair is shorter than it has ever been before. It is still standing on end, but just at a shorter length.

  He reaches a hand out and traces his fingertips along the edge of my cheek.

  “I have to admit I did nearly go completely bananas when you called his name first thing in the morning.”

  I grimace a little in response.

  “Good thing you distracted me by throwing up all over the floor. Speaking of which I had better go and get a mop.”

  “No! You can’t clear up my sick!” I start to try and sit up again but soon fall back onto my pillows.

  “Rubbish, Lilah. I’m just very sorry that I’ve not been around to help you. I feel like a complete arsehole. I know you told me in your message that you were not very well, but I had no idea you were this ill.”

  I give a little shrug.

  It’s me that feels like an arsehole for knowing about our baby for two weeks and not telling him. Even more so for not telling him now, even though he is right here in front of me.

  As he starts to get up again I grab his arm and pull him back to me.

  “What are you doing here anyway, Ben? I was not expecting you home for a few weeks?”

  He gives me a smirk and the blues do the twinkle and crinkle.

  “Well, Lilah, I know you are a bit under the weather,” A bit! “But in case you haven’t noticed it is a religious holiday, and those my love.” He ducks down and pecks a kiss on my lips. “I always spend with you.”

  I grin for what feels like the first time in ages.

  “Right I’m going to go and run you a bath and see what food I can scrounge out of your student cupboards. I’m starving, it was a long journey home.”

  He gives my fingers a squeeze but I don’t let go.

  The word home has made tears burn in my eyes.

  “It’s okay, Lilah. I am home now and I don’t plan to leave for a while, that’s a promise.”

  That’s what does it.

  A promise.

  I start to cry, pulling him toward me as I bury my face into his neck as hot fast tears slide down my cheeks.

  Ben’s hand soothes my hair, “Shh, it’s okay, Lilah. It’s going to be okay.”

  Right then that very moment I truly believe that it will be.

  19th April

  Easter Saturday

  “Have you told him?”

  Meredith has come into the room and is stage whispering at me.

  Ben is outside having a smoke. It seems the smell of cigarettes also makes me puke, a fact we found out yesterday when he tried to have one out of the window in the bedroom. That was after the courteous telephone conversation I had to listen to him have with Richard when Rich called to check to see how I was. Ben told him something along the lines of ‘Thanks for helping but I’m home now, so back the fuck off.’

  “Shh!” I wave my hand at her, “And no,” I add meekly.

  “What? Lilah, for goodness’ sake, I could understand not telling him over the phone whilst you waited for the right time to speak to him, but.”

  Oh, my God, how loud is this girl!

  “Shh, Meredith, bloody hell.”

  “Sorry,” she stage whispers again. I give up. I truly do. “But he is here now and it’s not going to take a genius to work out that you are not suffering from a bug caused by some mysterious Asian fly that has started making people sick in the UK although you are the only one showing the symptoms.”

  I stick my tongue out.

  The faculty believed me. I don’t see why Ben wouldn’t.

  “I’m going to tell him, I just wanted to spend one more day with him before I changed everything for us forever.”

  “Lilah, he is going to be ecstatic when he finds out.”

  “I don’t think he will, I think he is going to freak out and then he is going to do something drastic to try and not let me down. And I don’t want to be the one that makes him do something like that.”

  I know this. He is so determined not to be his father that he will not hesitate to drop his career even though he may hate me forever for it.

  “Lilah.” Meredith places her hand over mine. “He is not his dad. Whatever this thing is you have in your head, you have to let it go and have faith in him and you.”

  “Have faith in whom?” Ben asks as he comes back into the room smelling of smoke. I wrinkle my nose but don’t say anything.

  “Oh, some movie we had to watch for Uni that Meredith has been obsessed about.”

  I glare at her.

  “Yeah, what film is that?” he asks. He settles next to me back on the bed stretching his long legs out alongside me and sliding his arm around my back.

  “Hamburger Hill,” I tell him glaring at Meredith some more so she will bugger off. She just glares right back at me. I ignore her and settle my head on Ben’s chest.

  “Great movie, I could watch that today if you fancy it?” he says.

  Mm. People blowing other people up?

  No, not really. Not right now.

  “Yeah, we could, I guess.”

  “Or we could watch Gladiator?” he chuckles.

  “Not even funny, Chambers. Not even funny.”

  Meredith thinks it is. She laughs all the way out of my room.

  “What were you guys glaring at each other for?” Ben asks after she has shut the door.

  “Oh nothing, you know what she is like, so dramatic about everything.”

  He chuckles and pulls me in closer. “One of you, dramatic? Never!”

  I snuggle against his soft t-shirt and breathe in the fabric softener and smoke smell of him. I still can’t believe he is here.

  “I still can’t believe you are here.”

  I can feel him smile against my hair.

  “It’s been a long couple of months, Lilah. I’m just sorry it has been so long. I wanted to get back in March but the space never opened up.”

  “Nah, that’s okay.” I assure him.

  I was a bitch in March.

  “I was starting to get worried. You used to contact me every day but now it seems we can go the best part of a week without talking,” he tells me, lips still against my hair.

  I think about this for a moment.