by Beth Rinyu
“What the hell are you talking about? What way? What did I do to make you want to leave?” She was trying her hardest to speak over her sobs. "Please don't leave me, Drew. Whatever I did wrong, please just tell me!" she yelled as she gripped my arm tightly.
“You didn't do anything. It’s me. It’s all me.”
“Drew…no.” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me, and this time I just couldn’t resist hugging her back. “I’ll do whatever it takes for you to stay. I’m sorry if I’ve become too needy with you. We can slow things down. Just please say that you’ll stay.”
Everything inside of me was telling me to come clean with her. I knew it was now or never. But I also knew that if she were to forgive me, she deserved a much better life than I could ever give her. She didn’t deserve to be with someone who was only going to be in her life on a part-time basis whenever he wasn’t working on cases. As much as it was tearing me up inside, I knew that this was what would be best for her. She had a great future ahead of her and I knew after a little bit of time I would just be an old memory to her, but she would remain in my heart forever. "Becca, please don't. I care about you a lot. Please don’t think that you did something wrong."
"Then why are you-"
"Because I have to."
"Why?! Damn it, Drew, tell me why?"
"Becca, just go." I couldn’t stand looking at her hurting so badly and knowing that I was the cause of it.
"You let my father get to you, didn't you?"
"No." I turned back around to face her. I couldn’t have her blaming her father for this for the rest of her life.
"You're a liar! Everything I thought we had was a lie. You let him buy you! I hate you! God, I hate you so much!”
“Becca,” I whispered. I tried to grab her arm but she hastily pulled away in her rage, taking the bracelet that I had given her off of her wrist and throwing it at me, just before running out the door.
I picked up my keys, readying myself to go after her and tell her everything before stopping myself as I was halfway out the door. I knew this was for the best. Becca needed to get on with her life without Drew Bryant because after tonight he was no longer going to exist. I stood in the doorway looking up at the star filled sky and heard Becca’s voice so clearly in my mind:
“When we go back to school, we can each have our paintings and know that we’re looking up at the same star filled sky. I can be the first quarter and you can be the third quarter, and together we can be the full moon.”
“Becca, Baby, I will always think of you when I look up at those beautiful stars,” I whispered as I ran my hand through my hair, fighting the burning in my eyes. I walked back inside and grabbed my suitcase, Becca’s bracelet, and the painting that she made for me. I walked out the door and took a deep breath. As I locked the door behind me, I said goodbye to Drew Bryant and the beautiful girl he had fallen so in love with forever. The only traces of evidence that either one of them existed was the painting in my hand and the memories in my heart.
I took Becca’s arm as we walked out of the restaurant. It was the perfect early summer night. “Did you want to walk back to your place?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure, that would be great.” Even though the weather was beautiful, I knew the real reason that I wanted to walk. I wasn’t ready to call it a night just yet. I wanted more time with her. I wanted to feel her close to me.
“So, Mason, how old are you?” she asked as we began to walk.
“How old do you think?”
“Hmm….judging by the sound of your voice, I’d say…..thirty?”
“Close. Thirty one.”
She stopped walking and smiled. “Do you mind if I just do something?”
I shook my head and then quickly responded, “No.”
She lifted her hand and gently traced her fingers along my jaw line. Closing her eyes, she moved her hands up to my hair. I took a deep breath and breathed in the light scent of her perfume wafting through the warm summer breeze.
“What color is your hair?”
“Brown,” I whispered as her hands rested on the side of my head. She opened her eyes and stared up at me as if she could see me clearly. Her fingers glided back to my face and she placed her thumbs under my eyes. “And your eyes?”
“Grayish, blue,” I responded, with my heart beating at warp speed as I stood there, foolishly wondering if she would put together the pieces and figure out who I really was.
“Smile,” she said as she began to outline my mouth. “You have a dimple in your left cheek.”
I swallowed hard and nodded once again, knowing that her hands were still on my face and she would be able to feel my response. She bit her bottom lip and gave me a slight smile.
“I can see you clearly,” she whispered.
How I wished that was true and that she knew exactly who I was and still be perfectly fine, standing here talking to me instead of hating me for what had happened in the past. I took a deep breath and pulled it together. “Do you like what you see, Becca?”
Her smile broadened. “Yeah, I think I do.”
I sat behind my desk, finally finishing up with the last of my paperwork that was needed to wrap up the case that I had just come off of. It had been three days since I had spoken to Becca and I was trying to think of any excuse just to call her.
“Got a minute?” Agent Erickson, my supervisor in charge, asked.
“Yeah, sure.” I got up from my desk and followed him into his office.
“Have a seat,” he demanded as he took a seat behind his desk. He leaned back in his chair and intertwined his fingers behind his head. “I don’t need to tell you that you’re one of my best damn under covers.”
I nodded. “Thank you, sir.”
“Johnson is retiring in three months and Knox wants to bring you in from the field and have you in the office full time. You would be in charge of your own team. There’s no doubt in my mind that you can do it and it will be a nice promotion for you.” He sat up straight in his chair and leaned forward. “But will you be happy sitting in an office all day?”
I looked out the window, not knowing how to answer that question. “You know, there are days that I would give up anything to just be able to be myself for the rest of my life, and then there are days that I just get off on being someone else.”
“It’s in your blood. That’s why you’re so damn good at it! Well, you think about it. Just say the word and I will have your letter of recommendation printed out and ready to go.”
“Thank you, sir,” I said as I started to get up.
“How’s the Mueller case going?”
“Pretty good, as far as I know. It’s going before the Grand Jury in a few weeks.”
He nodded. “Well, I’m fairly certain that’s going to be an easy win.”
“Yeah. I agree.”
“Well, I’ve got a few busts that are going down this week. I’m going to need you there to assist with the arrests.”
“Not a problem, sir.”
I walked out of his office with mixed emotions. It would be great to finally have an office job. More money. A regular schedule. Never having to lie to anyone about who I was. But I still wasn’t sure if I was one hundred percent cut out for that just yet. For me, that was a whole lifestyle change. I had spent so many years pretending to be other people that I had to adjust to being myself. I wasn’t afraid of being put in rough situations where my life was on the line. I actually thrived on that. But as I stood looking out the window with my phone in my hand, contemplating calling Becca to ask her out on an actual date, I was scared to death. I finally got the courage to dial her number, feeling much like a teenage boy getting ready to ask his first crush to the school dance.
My heart raced from just hearing her voice. “Becca Keeton.”
“Hey, Becca. It’s Mason.”
“Agent – I mean, Mason. How are you? Is everything okay?”
“Oh, yeah. Everything is good. I – umm. I wanted to see if you would like to get together
. This time, non-business related.”
There was a short pause that seemed like eternity to me as I waited in angst for her reply. “Oh, well when were you thinking?”
“Whenever is good for you,” I said.
“Well, I have a dinner that I have to go to tomorrow night but I’m pretty much free the rest of the week.”
“Okay, how about Wednesday night? I’ll pick you up at seven?”
“Uh… yeah, sure. That’ll be great.” I could hear the slightest bit of hesitation in her voice that I had wished I could make disappear. “Wait, you’re not doing this because you pity me for what I said the other night about me dating?”
“Not at all, Becca, and to prove that I’m not, I’m going to have you order for both of us without even reading you the menu.”
“Oh boy, that could be scary,” she giggled.
“I’ll see you Wednesday, Becca.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I continued to stare out the window, suddenly questioning everything in my life. What was I going to do about this promotion? What was I doing with Becca? I knew that it was wrong to try and start something back up with her just like I knew it was wrong back then, but in both cases, I couldn’t stop myself even if I had tried. I had spent my entire career trying to convince others that I was someone else. Now, here I was trying desperately to get Becca to see who I really was and fall in love with me all over again. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. But the more difficult the challenge, the more rewarding the results…..and Becca was worth the fight.
Wednesday was finally here. After a long day of some pretty big busts, I stopped home and took a quick shower before heading to Becca’s to pick her up. I was shocked when I opened the door to leave and saw Gina standing on the other side.
“Welcome back, Mason.” She smiled as she took a step inside.
“Thanks.” I looked away.
“I found this when I was going through some old things. You must have left them at my place.” She handed me a box containing all of my vintage CDs.
I did my best to manage a smile. “I was wondering what happened to those.”
“You look…..you look really good.” I could see her eyes beginning to fill with tears. I nodded, not knowing how else to respond. Do I tell her that she looks really good, too? Gina was gorgeous, she knew it and everyone that came in contact with her knew it, too, but she was nowhere near as beautiful as Becca. “Are you headed out somewhere?” she asked.
“Yeah, I am,” I responded, running my hand through my hair.
“Mason, I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that Nathan, he’s always around when I need him. It’s like even when you weren’t working undercover you were never really fully here. Your mind was always off somewhere else and I just needed more.”
“That’s perfectly fine, Gina.”
“I’m not quite sure if that comes with the territory of your job or if it’s because you’re still pining for someone in your past. Maybe if I could have just understood which one it was a little better, then maybe –”
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Gina. What you and I had is in the past and I really do wish you nothing but the best with him.”
She bit her bottom lip and nodded. “Yeah well, I wish you nothing but the best, too, and maybe one day you’ll find that girl you’re after. The one that made you that painting that you so carefully display. The one whose photo you still keep in your nightstand drawer. She really is a lucky girl to have someone like you carrying a torch for her because I know from firsthand experience, that’s no easy feat.” She stared at me one last time before sweeping a kiss across my cheek. “Be safe,” she whispered.
“Always am.” I raised my eyebrows at her and gave her a quick smile. She wiped the tear that was rolling down her face and walked out the door.
I stood there staring into space long after she disappeared out of site, wishing that I could be feeling some type of emotion, whether it was hurt over the end of our relationship or anger over the fact that she cheated on me. But the only feeling I could conjure up was relief. I was never in love with Gina, far from it, and I hated knowing that she had fallen in love with me. I felt guilty for not being able to reciprocate those feelings. She was right; the girl who made me that painting and whose picture I kept tucked away was the reason why. Becca was the one and only girl that would ever own my heart and it was an unfair advantage for any other woman that even dared to try and find their way in.
“Okay, make me feel like a total idiot!” I said as I watched Becca pick up her rice with her chopsticks like she was eating off a fork.
“Why is that?” She laughed.
“Because you’re showing off with your chopstick skills and I can’t even hold the damn things!”
She began to laugh even harder. “Oh Drew – it’s not that hard!” The smile instantly disappeared from her face as well as mine. “Oh my God. I am so sorry. This just brought back a memory of something for me.” I closed my eyes for a brief second, knowing exactly which memory she was thinking of—the night she had given me the painting. She was silent, lifting up her glass and taking a sip of water.
I decided to break up the awkwardness of the moment. “So, Becca, have you ever tried Cajun food?”
“No, can’t say that I have.” I was happy to see a smile coming back to her face.
“Well, I make the meanest jambalaya around.”
“Is that so?”
“Yup, it is. You’ll just have to come over one night and try it.”
“Well, on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“You have to promise to eat it with chopsticks.”
I couldn’t hold back my amusement as I reached over the table and grabbed her hand to shake on it. “Deal,” I said.
“Okay, in that case I would love to try some of your jambalaya.”
Her eyes moved and finally locked with mine. “Well then, how about Saturday night?”
“Can’t….going to the movies.”
“Oh well then…..”
She started to giggle. “I’m kidding! Kind of pointless for me to go see a movie, don’t ya think?”
“I don’t know. I thought maybe you just listened to it or something.”
“Nah, I was never a big movie person even when I could see.”
I looked at my watch as the waiter brought the check. Just enough time to get to Battery Park and see the sunset, which used to be one of Becca’s favorite things to do. Becca cracked open her fortune cookie and handed me the paper inside. “Read it to me, please.”
I took it from her hand and read it aloud. “Don’t be afraid to smile, you never know who’s falling in love with it.”
Her grin became wider. “Hmm….wonder who that could be? The waiter maybe?” She joked. “What does yours say?”
I opened my cookie and read the fortune inside to myself. “There’s not one in there,” I lied.
“What do you mean there’s not one in there?” she asked. “Mason, do you not want to tell me your fortune?”
My laughter gave it away.
“Can I take the check, sir?” the waiter asked as he walked over to the table.
I nodded.
“Excuse me, Mr. Waiter, can you please read to me the fortune that this man sitting across from me either has in his hand or sitting in front of him on the table?”
I let out a loud laugh, finally surrendering my fortune over to the waiter as he picked it up and read it to Becca.
“He likes to flirt, but toward you his intentions are honorable.”
Her smile deepened and so did mine.
“Now what was so bad about that? I actually think that was sweet!”
I stood up and took her hand, leading her out of the restaurant. The profanities were spewing from my mouth as I tried without success to flag down a cab. “What’s the hurry?” she joked.
“You’ll see,” I said, feeling relieved when an empty taxi finally pulled up. “Battery Park,”
I said to the driver.
Becca looked at me strangely. “Why the big rush to get to Battery Park?” she asked as we got in.
“Because we’re going to watch the sunset.”
“Oh, well….I think you have forgotten one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I can’t see it.” I knew she was trying to make a joke, but I could see the pain in her eyes.
“You will, Becca….I’ll make sure you do, and it will be the most beautiful one you’ve ever seen.”
The sadness that was all over her face was beginning to wash away. “Okay, I’m going to hold you to that.”
“You got it!”
We took a seat on an empty bench just as the sun was setting. “Did we make it in time?” Becca asked.
“With about a minute to spare. Close your eyes, Becca,” I said as I stared out into the river. “Tell me what you see?”
She sighed deeply and appeared to be deep in thought. “The sky is lit up in shades of pink and peach. Oh, and now I see some lavender. So many different colors. Colors that I never even knew existed.” The smile came back to her face and I couldn’t hold back mine from just seeing the enjoyment she was getting from this. “The sun is so bright. It looks like a giant yellow ball with a beautiful pink halo. Its rays are reflecting off the water like angel wings. It’s so big but it’s becoming smaller with each passing second as it sinks into the skyline, leaving just the remnants of the day and hope for a new one.” She took a deep breath and her eyes remained closed. “It’s so beautiful,” she whispered as a tear rolled down her face. I looked down at her hand that was now on top of mine, wanting to grasp it tighter.
“Keep that picture in your heart forever, Becca, and you’ll always be able to see the sunset whenever you want.”
I moved my head closer to her and grazed her lips. I hoped that it wasn’t too soon for her, but I just couldn’t resist. A slight smile stretched across her face, putting my mind at ease. I stood up and grabbed her hand. As we strolled along the pier for some time with our arms looped together, I could feel her moving closer to me. I didn’t want this moment to end. I wanted to be here with her forever. There was a comfortable silence between the two of us; the kind that you only experience with someone who knows you just as well as you know yourself.
