by Mary Pilon
significantly more likely to be misdiagnosed Kay Redfield Jamison, Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament (New York: Free Press, 1993), 17.
chaotic patterns of personal and professional relationships Ibid.
bipolar disorder played a role Hemingway’s granddaughter, Mariel Hemingway, is a mental health advocate, and Barbara Kopple made a film about her family’s experience with mental illness called Running from Crazy. You can find out more here: http://www.wnyc.org/story/how-mariel-hemingway-practices-wellness-shadow-her-grandfathers-legacy/.
the lifetime rate of attempted suicide Some have put the lifetime suicide attempt rate even higher, 25 to 50 percent: ohsu.edu/xd/education/schools/school-of-medicine/departments/clinical-departments/psychiatry/grand-rounds/upload/Suicide-and-Suicide-Prevention-in-Bipolar-Disorder_25Sept12.pdf.
considered people with schizophrenia to be dangerous Wendy Cross and Ken Walsh, “Star shots: self disclosure and celebrity in bipolar disorder,” Research Online, University of Wollongong, 2012, ro.uow.edu.au/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=4115&context=hbspapers. Slowly but surely, the law has begun to catch up, particularly as regards workplaces. The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 prohibits discrimination based on disability, including mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder. In 2012, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission won a lawsuit against the Cash Store for failing to provide reasonable accommodation for a man working there who had disclosed his bipolar disorder and was denied time off work to adjust to a change in medication from his psychiatrist, and several similar cases are working their way through the courts.
far more likely to be victims of violent crime There are several studies on this, but in my research, I looked at Heather Stuart, “Violence and mental illness: an overview,” World Psychiatry 2, no. 2 (June 2003): 121–124, ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1525086/; Richard A. Friedman, “Violence and Mental Illness—How Strong is the Link?” New England Journal of Medicine 355 (November 16, 2006), http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMp068229#t=article; work from the Treatment Advocacy Center, treatmentadvocacycenter.org/storage/documents/final_jails_v_hospitals_study.pdf; and the Harvard Medical Health Letter, health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/mental-illness-and-violence.
“breakthrough drug for depression” Twenty years later, rival Newsweek ran the headline ANTIDEPRESSANTS DON’T WORK on its cover: healthwyze.org/reports/412-special-investigative-report-l-tryptophan-lactic-acid-prozac-and-naturally-treating-depression-the-holistic-way.
“encompasses the extremes of the human experience” Kay Redfield Jamison, Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament (New York: Free Press, 1993), 47.
reduced the suicide attempt rate Ibid., 16. For more on lithium’s use compared with a placebo group, see R. J. Baldessarini, L. Tondo, and J. Hennen, “Effects of lithium treatment and its discontinuation on suicidal behavior in bipolar manic-depressive disorders,” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 60 (1999), ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10073392. Many patients stop taking lithium, complaining that it dulled their movements and minds. Jonathan Himmelhoch and Ross J. Baldessarini are among those studying the effects of lithium and its withdrawal.
“cigarette smoke and contradictions” Kevin Hall journal entry, December 26, 1989.
the way it impacts artists Kay Redfield Jamison, Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament (New York: Free Press, 1993), 5.
elite athletes are more prone Ann Kearns Davoren and Seunghyun Hwang, “Mind, Body and Sport,” NCAA, October 8, 2014, http://www.ncaa.org/sport-science-institute/mind-body-and-sport-depression-and-anxiety-prevalence-student-athletes.
picking up on subliminal cues Michelle W. Voss, “Understanding the mind of the elite athlete,” Scientific American, June 1, 2010, scientificamerican.com/article/understanding-elite-athlete/.
because he was institutionalized Sanda Golopentia author interview, June 28, 2016.
Now he was the star of The Show Gordon Hall author interview, April 28, 2016; Kevin Hall author interview, February 6, 2016.
he would adjust his work schedule to tend to him Kevin Hall letter to Meg, January 3, 1990.
eight hours, mushroom time This, of course, was likely not eight hours.
promising future with a degree in … French literature? Kevin Hall author interview, October 28, 2014.
Kevin was back, and that’s all that seemed to matter Richard Feeny author interview, October 27, 2015.
In a mix of French and English Kevin Hall journal entry, December 26, 1989.
Quantum mechanics, in particular, drew her interest Amanda Hall author interview, January 31, 2016; Feynman.com.
he was not meant for collaboration Kevin Hall author interview, November 6, 2014; Kevin Hall, Black Sails White Rabbits (Createspace Independent Publishing Platform, 2015), 61.
confusion and stress and medical bills Kevin Hall author interview, July 5, 2015.
doing the assignment on her own Kevin Hall author interview, January 31, 2016.
This time, he was more receptive Amanda Hall author interviews, February 5, 2015, and February 10, 2016.
a cartoon of a physics student Kevin Hall, Black Sails White Rabbits (Createspace Independent Publishing Platform, 2015), 63.
“state of perfection we cannot achieve” Diane Ackerman, A National History of Love (New York: Random House, 1994), 11.
pain in his testicle and a lump Mike Craycraft author interview, April 18, 2017; Connor O’Leary author interview, April 21, 2017; Michael Rovito author interview, April 24, 2017. All three are testicular cancer experts and advocates who were gracious enough to walk me through and contextualize testicular cancer treatment and symptoms.
the taboos around it were high Michael Rovito author interview, April 24, 2017; Brandon Hayes-Lattin and Craig R. Nichols, “Testicular Cancer: A Prototypic Tumor of Young Adults,” Seminars in Oncology 36, no. 5 (2009): 432–38. PMC. Web. 7 May 2017. Data for testicular cancer rates can also be found on Cancer.gov.
how many days he had until his next race Gordon Hall author interview, April 18, 2016; Kevin Hall author interview, November 6, 2014; Kevin Hall, Black Sails White Rabbits (Createspace Independent Publishing Platform, 2015), 65.
astounded them both Ibid, 72.
didn’t seem to be much room for anything else Amanda Hall author interview, February 5, 2015.
had just gone through cancer treatment Ibid.
the French horn wolf The 1978 version of Peter and the Wolf narrated by David Bowie is not to be missed.
in the presence of a man in crisis Amanda Hall author interview, February 5, 2015.
much to the amazement of his teammates Zachary Leonard author interview, September 15, 2014.
bronze medalists are actually happier Victoria Husted Medvec, Scott F. Madey, Thomas Gilovich, “When Less Is More: Counterfactual Thinking and Satisfaction Among Olympic Medalists.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 69 (1995): 603–10, http://www.anderson.ucla.edu/faculty/keith.chen/negot.%20papers/MedvecMadeyGilovich_ContFactSatisf95.pdf. Researchers have also examined facial expressions at judo competitions to test these theories. See also David Matsumoto and Bob Willingham, “The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat: Spontaneous Expressions of Medal Winners of the 2004 Athens Olympic Games,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 91, no. 3 (2006): 568–81.
Researchers first observed imposter syndrome Joe Langford and Pauline R. Clance, “The Imposter Phenomenon: Recent Research Findings Regarding Dynamics, Personality and Family Patterns and Their Implications for Treatment,” Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training 30, no. 3 (1993): 495–501, doi:10.1037/0033-3204.30.3.495.
feeli
ng that they have failed to live up to an idealized image Ibid. Kevin would later note in the margin of this paper near this quote, “here, my TSD in a nutshell.” David Foster Wallace’s “Good Old Neon” also contains a characterization of imposter syndrome, which begins: “My whole life I’ve been a fraud. I’m not exaggerating. Pretty much all I’ve ever done all the time is try to create a certain impression of me in other people.”
an epic missive against loneliness and sorrow Sanda Golopentia author interview, June 28, 2016.
“gorillas on the water” Kevin Hall author interview, November 12, 2014.
level of precision required for Olympic competition Various author interviews with sailors; Gary Jobson, “Weighty Issues of College Sailing,” Sailing World, December 11, 2002, sailingworld.com/how-to/weighty-issues-college-sailing.
He could never win Kevin Hall email to author, September 29, 2016.
Japan’s broader efforts to bolster its sailing culture Barbara Lloyd, “Yachting; Japan’s Plan for a Major Effort,” New York Times, March 3, 1991, http://www.nytimes.com/1991/03/03/sports/yachting-japan-s-plan-for-a-major-effort.html.
an incontestable state of flow Kevin Hall author interview, February 23, 2017.
The Director wouldn’t want to kill off his lead actor Kevin Hall author interview, February 11, 2016, and emails to author about backstory of The Show, February 2016.
flipped down a sun visor Kevin Hall, Black Sails White Rabbits (Createspace Independent Publishing Platform, 2015), 62. There’s skepticism as to whether anyone actually keeps a spare set of keys above the visor. See: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.829960-Poll-Car-Keys-in-the-Sun-Visor-Does-Anybody-really-do-that. A totally unofficial poll online found that 1.9 percent of people actually do this, but things might have been different (1) in Japan, (2) in the early 1990s. It’s also possible that after seeing this done so often on television and in movies, people stopped doing it, realizing that it made their cars ripe for auto theft. The keys are also behind the visor in at least one episode of Breaking Bad.
being groomed to be his leading lady Kevin Hall author interview, February 11, 2016, and emails to author about backstory of The Show, February 2016.
a sign reading GENIUS SCHOOL When asked about the GENIUS SCHOOL sign years later, Kevin is among the first to concede that it probably wasn’t there.
Real estate in Tokyo Edward Jay Epstein, “What I Lost (and Found) in Japan’s Lost Decade,” Vanity Fair, February 17, 2009, vanityfair.com/news/2009/02/what-was-lost-and-found-in-japans-lost-decade.
a post in Ridgecrest, California Gordon Hall author interview, April 19, 2016.
muttered something about sponsorships Kevin Hall author interview, February 5, 2016.
a well-regarded hospital in Pasadena Information about Las Encinas can be found at lasencinashospital.com/about/las-encinas-about-our-facility.
Kevin’s first visions were euphoric Kevin Hall author interview, February 11, 2016.
prevention of another global conflict Kevin Hall author interview, February 11, 2016, and emails to author about backstory of The Show, February 2016.
come to terms with strange mental events Joel Gold and Ian Gold, Suspicious Minds: How Culture Shapes Madness (New York: Free Press, 2015) Location 1340 of Kindle Edition.
to help him sort through life’s complexities Edward H. Hagen, “Non-bizarre delusions as strategic deception,” Washington State University, August 2007, anthro.vancouver.wsu.edu/media/PDF/Delusions_revised_Aug_2007.pdf.
lyrics from the band Styx Kevin Hall journal entry, December 26, 1989.
hallucinogenic, drug-induced experiences Kevin Hall and Kristina Hall author interviews, January 31, 2016.
give the people, the audience, what they wanted This is a mild anachronism, but Kevin likened it years later to being something like the 2011 REM music video “ÜBerlin.” Kevin said that being on The Show is something like the moment when the guy in the video is swaggering down the street, sees a squirrel, then has to do a performance. “Michael Stipe gets it,” Kevin said. If nothing else, it’s a really cool video: youtube.com/watch?v=ZITh-XIikgI.
sometimes they even packed their own lunches Kevin Hall author interview, June 6, 2016.
exposure to the Olympic training regime Trotman would go on to win a bronze medal in Barcelona, the first ever in the one-person dinghy.
quoting Herman Melville Kevin Hall author interview, July 29, 2014.
If you improved on Depakote Andrew Solomon, Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity (New York: Scribner, 2012), 347.
“depression and the difficulty of its treatment” William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness, (New York: Vintage, 1992), 11.
“confident with myself and excited about the future” Kevin Hall journal entry, September 15, 1992.
Grape Nuts with peaches Kevin Hall letter to Amanda Rosenberg, October 5, 1992.
“differentiate between dreams and expectations” Amanda Rosenberg letter to Kevin Hall, October 14, 1992.
everyone else could eat the sweets but him Kevin Hall author interview, September 10, 2014.
“Please hear: I Love You.” Kevin Hall letter to Amanda Rosenberg, December 7, 1992.
It seemed implausible Kristina Hall author interview, January 31, 2016.
well below one percent of those who had it one time Michael Rovito author interview, April 24, 2017.
cut him from the sternum to the groin Christine Brennan, “An Olympic Struggle,” Washington Post, April 15, 1996.
Kevin’s ability to have biological children Amanda and Kevin Hall, author email thread, May 23, 2017.
his performance on the water was peaking Kenneth B. Noble, “After Cancer Struggle, Olympic Nightmare,” New York Times, February 15, 1996, http://www.nytimes.com/1996/02/15/us/after-cancer-struggle-olympic-nightmare.html.
“Unfortunately, this includes you.” Kevin Hall journal entry, undated.
150 pounds in January 1993 Kevin Hall letter to Amanda Rosenberg, January 11, 1993.
simply weren’t supposed to get cancer A handy guide to superhero vulnerabilities can be found here as a lovely chart: cbr.com/heres-a-handy-guide-to-the-weaknesses-of-superheroes-villains/.
last four or five days of a cycle Nazem Bassil, Saad Alkaade, and John E. Morley, “The Benefits and Risks of Testosterone Replacement Therapy: A Review,” Therapeutics and Clinical Risk Management, 5 (June 22, 2009): 427–448, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2701485/.
testosterone injections and psychiatric drugs Michael Rovito author interview, April 24, 2017.
grief still weighed on both of them Kevin Hall, Black Sails White Rabbits (Createspace Independent Publishing Platform, 2015), 82–83.
Kevin retreated to Aspen, Colorado Kevin Hall author interview, June 6, 2016.
Jung’s focus on spirituality and creativity There’s a mountain of information about Jung himself, as well as his views on psychology and culture, but a good place to start is the Jung Page: http://www.cgjungpage.org/.
rather than merely dismissing them Kevin Hall author interview, November 6, 2014.
reaching out to Kevin in the 1990s Kevin Hall author interview, July 18, 2016.
believed deeply in the power of coincidences Louis Menand, “Silence, Exile, Punning,” The New Yorker, July 2, 2012. Menand also points out that Joyce was “contemptuous of psychoanalysis” and called Jung “the Swiss Tweedledum who is not to be confused with the Viennese Tweedledee.”
“one falling and the other diving” Tara Pepper, “Portrait of the Daughter: Two works seek to reclaim the legacy of Lucia Joyce,” Newsweek International, March 8, 2
003.
“don’t take the stray bullets personally” Letter dated January 1993.
announced that the two of them were going to Boston Amanda Hall author interview, February 5, 2015; Kevin Hall author interview, February 6, 2016.
talking more and sleeping less Kevin Hall medical records from McLean Hospital, March 1993.
flipping through its tissue-paper pages Amanda Hall author interview, February 5, 2015.
“I’m going to hurt you.” Kevin Hall medical records from McLean Hospital, March 1993.
Police officers picked Kevin up Ibid.
“Mary Had a Little Lamb” “McLean Hospital: History and Progress,” McLean Hospital, http://www.mcleanhospital.org/about/history-and-progress.
recover from his latest episode Ibid.
fantasizing about who he thought he might be Kevin Hall author interview, April 16, 2015.
wandered out into the streets of Tokyo Amanda Hall author interview, February 5, 2015.
still madly in love with Kevin Ibid.
He had taken a job at a Coffee Bean Kevin Hall author interview, February 5, 2016.
he had lost the love of his life Diane Ackerman, A Natural History of Love (New York: Random House, 1994), 86: “Humans love sports—pitting their strength, nerve, and cunning alongside a teammate or against an opponent on a field of glory, in the hope of winning and being rewarded. Love is a demanding sport involving all the muscle groups, including the brain. The goal of love games is intense physical pleasure, and its special challenge is that the rules are always changing, there is plenty of misdirection, the goal sometimes disappears behind a fog of guilt or misgiving, other players (such as in-laws or rivals) can unexpectedly appear on the field, one’s advantage can reverse at a moment’s notice, a power often changes hands before the game is finished. What is chess, polo, baseball, or war compared to that?”
