Lost In You

by Jade Winters

  ‘Yesterday.’ Vanessa’s tone was regretful, which made Heidi think she might have got it all wrong, that Vanessa wasn’t angry with her after all; that she understood why she had betrayed her trust, even if it wasn’t completely altruistic.

  ‘Which part of yesterday?’ Heidi asked, testing the waters. ‘Where your brother threatened to beat the shit out of me or when you told me I was the biggest mistake of your life?’

  ‘Both.’ Vanessa sat on the edge of the desk beside her. ‘Things got out of hand. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Did I just hear right. Are you apologising? To me?’ Heidi said, still unable to tell if Vanessa was being sincere.

  ‘I know what I said was—’

  ‘Hurtful?’

  Vanessa nodded.

  ‘So why did you say it? You looked like you meant it.’

  ‘I probably did in the heat of the moment. I feel different now.’

  Surprise and elation spread through Heidi at the realisation she hadn’t totally screwed things up with Vanessa, that there was still a chance to redeem herself.

  ‘And what made you change your mind?’

  ‘Kelli.’

  ‘Kelli?’ Heidi asked with an air of puzzlement.

  Vanessa spread out her fingers and ran them along the top of her thighs. ‘We had a heart to heart last night and let’s just say she made me see sense.’

  ‘I’d like to have been a fly on a wall listening to that conversation.’

  ‘Look.’ Vanessa held her gaze. ‘I’m not going to lie. I still think you went about things the wrong way.’

  ‘I didn’t have a choice.’

  ‘You had plenty of choices, Heidi. We spent the night together.’

  How could I forget?

  ‘You had plenty of opportunities to discuss things with me.’

  Damn, what do I say to that? ‘I think we were a bit busy, don’t you?’

  ‘It’s not a joke—’

  ‘I’m aware of that, but if you hadn’t put me in this position in the first place, none of this would have happened.’

  ‘So you’re saying I’m to blame?’

  ‘No, what I’m saying is that whether you like it or not, your company hasn’t exactly been above board with its business dealings, has it?’

  ‘No, and I’m trying to fix it.’ A smile played on Vanessa’s lips. ‘Which is why I’m here.’

  Here goes. Now we’re getting down to the truth.

  ‘I want to call a truce.’

  Heidi gave her an inquiring look. ‘A truce?’

  Vanessa’s enigmatic smile lingered. ‘I want you to take down your Facebook page and stop slagging my company off to the press.’

  Heidi eyed her suspiciously. So that was her game, get her defences down, warm her up then try and bribe her. What would be the dangling carrot? More great sex? ‘And what do I get in return?’

  ‘I will personally guarantee you can stay in this building for six months, until I find you a new building. We’ll also give you a healthy donation so the rent won’t be a problem.’

  Heidi sank back in her chair. She would rather have had the offer of sex. At least she knew Vanessa would actually follow through. ‘Haven’t we been down this road before? The last time you said that, your brother tried to blackmail me.’

  Vanessa’s expression was serious. That’s what she must look like in the boardroom. Sexy and dangerous.

  ‘You have my word,’ Vanessa said, her eyes boring into Heidi’s making it impossible to look away.

  ‘And does Craig know about this “truce”?’

  Vanessa broke her stare and lowered her eyes briefly to the floor. ‘Not yet, no, but I’ll talk to him. I’ll make him see sense.’

  And pigs will fly. But if Vanessa said she would ensure it would happen, Heidi was willing to let it go. She was tired of the uphill struggle which she knew they would eventually lose. ‘In that case, you’ve got a deal.’

  ‘Good. Let’s shake on it.’

  When Heidi took her hand, Vanessa pulled her to her feet and guided her between her legs. ‘Now we’ve got business out the way.’ Her sultry eyes roamed over Heidi’s face and stopped on her mouth. ‘We need to get personal.’

  ‘Does that mean you’re going to kiss me?’

  ‘Do you want me to?

  ‘Depends.’

  ‘On?’

  Fuelled by a sexual rush, Heidi wedged her leg between Vanessa’s thighs. ‘On what we’re going to do afterwards.’

  A low moan escaped Vanessa’s lips as Heidi increased the pressure between her legs. ‘Hmm, and what do you want to do?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Heidi said looping her arms around Vanessa’s neck as she brought her face close, their mouths barely an inch apart. ‘I thought we could take the day off—’

  ‘Another one?’ Vanessa drew back slightly. ‘Are you trying to get me fired?’

  ‘Hardly. You’re the boss.’

  ‘So I am,’ Vanessa’s arms slipped around Heidi’s waist.

  ‘Problem sorted?’

  ‘It looks that way.’

  Heidi bit her bottom lip. ‘What are your thoughts on whipped cream?’

  Vanessa laughed. ‘Whipped cream? I’m willing to try anything once.’

  ‘Good. ’Cause I’ve got a whole can going to waste at home.’ Heidi gently brushed her mouth over Vanessa’s lips.

  ‘What are we waiting for?’

  Before Heidi could answer, the door opened and Simone walked in. ‘I’ve just got off—’ She stopped in her tracks when she saw Heidi and Vanessa’s embrace. ‘Oh, sorry I should have knocked.’

  Heidi’s cheeks burnt as she jolted back and straightened her clothes. ‘No, not at all. We were just … um ….’

  ‘I think I’ll leave you two to talk. I’ll wait outside.’ Vanessa winked at Heidi. ‘Don’t be too long.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  Vanessa nodded at Simone as she passed her. When her footsteps receded down the hallway, Simone let out a sigh. ‘I thought nothing was going on between you two.’

  ‘Things changed.’ Heidi smiled. ‘Anyway, she’s given us six months to find somewhere else and a donation to help pay the rent.’

  ‘And you’re happy with that?’

  ‘Aren’t you? My issue has never been about staying in this building. I was concerned that we’d never be able to find somewhere as cheap as this place.’

  ‘So, shall I just tell everyone that all their hard work has been for nothing? Heidi’s got her leg over with the sexy new landlord so we should all just throw in the towel.’

  ‘I didn’t say that, Sim—’

  ‘I know what you’re saying. Your heart was never in this fight from the beginning.’

  ‘How can you say that?’

  ‘Because it’s true.’

  ‘Sim—’

  ‘It’s okay. Really it is. You’ve got the girl and no doubt you’ll get yourself a cushy job. This place will be a distant memory soon.’

  ‘You couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m leaving because I have to. I’m drowning, Sim. Can’t you understand that? My involvement with Vanessa has got nothing to do with my decision. Even if I hadn’t met her, I would have still left.’

  ‘Have you slept with her?’

  ‘What kind of question is that?’

  ‘I take it that’s a yes.’

  ‘Drop it, Sim.’

  ‘I’ll only drop it,’ a grin broke out on Simone’s face and she started laughing, ‘when you tell me what it’s like to shag someone so goddam hot?’

  ‘You bitch,’ Heidi said playfully punching her shoulder. ‘You really had me going then.’

  ‘It wasn’t exactly hard. Look, I know how tough this has all been on you and I’m glad you’ve met someone who makes you happy.’

  ‘You are?’

  ‘Of course I am. You’re my best friend. You always will be, I hope.’

  Heidi pulled her into an embrace. ‘Always.’

  ‘You’d better go and f
ind her before she changes her mind.’

  ‘Are you kidding? With what I’ve got in store for her, she wouldn’t dare.’

  ***

  ‘I don’t think I’ll ever look at whipped cream quite the same way.’ Vanessa slid her tongue across Heidi’s erect nipple, taking the last squirt of white foam in her mouth.

  ‘It’s our secret.’ Heidi inhaled a shaky breath as Vanessa’s touch sent shivers throughout her body. She tried to recall a time when the tip of a woman’s tongue gave her so much pleasure. How about never!

  ‘Of course. I promise I won’t share it with another soul.’

  ‘I hope not,’ Heidi said, praying that she meant it. The thought of Vanessa doing what they had been doing the last hour with someone else was more than she could bear.

  ‘I need to take a shower, coming?’ Vanessa asked.

  Heidi loved how comfortable Vanessa felt in her small cramped apartment. ‘Yes, but ….’

  Vanessa frowned as she reached out and stroked Heidi’s face. ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘I don’t want to sound needy or anything,’ Heidi said, twirling a strand of Vanessa’s hair around her finger.

  Vanessa looked at her quizzically. ‘But?’

  Heidi inhaled and exhaled slowly. ‘Where … do we go from here? I mean us. Is it going to be a friends with benefits kind of thing?’

  Vanessa sighed as she pushed herself into a sitting position. She took a pillow, positioned it over her chest and crossed her arms over it. The expression on her face told Heidi she was going to regret asking such a stupid question. Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut? I always spoil everything with my need to know. Not that it really mattered. By ignoring what was staring her right in the face was only prolonging the inevitable. She cursed herself for even bringing the subject up.

  ‘I’m not going to lie to you, Heidi, but I really don’t know if I’m the settling down sort of person.’

  ‘It’s okay. I understand,’ Heidi said shifting further under the covers, suddenly conscious of her nakedness. ‘You need to spread your wings.’

  Vanessa gently shook her head. ‘It’s not about sex. How can I explain this? I—’

  ‘You don’t have to.’

  ‘Yes, I do. It’s not personal.’

  Here we go with the script everyone uses when they’re letting someone down gently. How the hell can it not be personal when it’s me she’s rejecting?

  ‘I love my work, every aspect of it. I know it sounds pathetic, but it consumes me to the point of distraction. The thing is, I don’t know if I’ve got enough room in my heart for a relationship and work.’

  Heidi stared at her, trying not to let her know that her world had been pulled from underneath her. ‘Okay.’

  ‘I’ve upset you now, haven’t I?’

  ‘No. I’d rather know where I stand,’ she said feeling near to tears.

  ‘You’re a lovely person, Heidi—’

  ‘Oh, please no. Do not roll out that tired old line. It’s worse than the “it’s not personal” bullshit. I get it. I’m a grown woman. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. You enjoy being single. It makes you happy. Good for you, but it’s not my idea of fun. I’m not cut out for that sort of relationship; being second best. I’ve been that way all my life, always accepting things I didn’t want because I didn’t feel worthy enough.’ Heidi spoke curtly as she brushed away the tears as they fell. ‘But you know what? I know I’m worthy. I might not have lots of material things or money, but I’ve got my pride and nothing, and I mean nothing, will take that away.’

  ‘I appreciate that but it doesn’t change the way I feel, so it looks like we’re at a stalemate.’ Vanessa reached over and stroked Heidi’s cheek. ‘I’m going to miss you. I really am.’

  Heidi’s heart plummeted, as if she had just jumped off a cliff. ‘Me too.’

  There were a few moments of uncomfortable silence, in which neither woman knew what to say. They sat there looking everywhere but at each other.

  ‘Would you mind getting dressed in the bathroom?’ Heidi looked for an excuse to hide behind, no matter how flimsy. She couldn’t bear to see her again, to say goodbye. ‘I think I’m gonna have a nap.’

  ‘Okay,’ Vanessa said softly, before rolling off the bed and gathering her clothes together. Fifteen minutes later, the front door slammed shut, leaving Heidi in her own little world again.

  Curling into a foetal position, she hugged Vanessa’s pillow against her face, breathing in her perfume as if it was oxygen. I asked and she told me the truth. Was that how worthless Heidi was, that someone would choose work over her? She knew Vanessa hadn’t meant to be cruel with her words, but that didn’t make it any better. Her inner voice mocked her, telling her that she was worthless. Unwanted. Used. All the things that she hated, that made her feel weak, etched their way into her soul.

  Rocking from side to side, hot tears rolled down her cheeks. Maybe she had aimed too high with Vanessa. Heidi had known from the start she was out of her league, but that didn’t help ease the pain that seized her heart. She closed her mind to the image of them, barely an hour ago, making love.

  Tomorrow she would have to go into work, face Simone and tell her that her dreams of starting something wonderful and new with Vanessa had been built on sand.

  Pretty much like everything in my life.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Vanessa glanced at her watch for the third time in as many minutes. Craig was late, which was unusual for him, especially when the reason she wanted to meet him was so important to the company. She’d tried calling him on his phone, but it was switched off. Nine o’clock and still no sign of him. Vanessa decided to wait another ten minutes and if he was a no-show, she’d have to go in search for him, even if it meant traipsing all over London. She had to tell him about her plans for the centre. She only hoped Craig would see sense this time and realise they had much more to lose the longer they publicly fought with her charity.

  An uneasy feeling passed over Vanessa again. In truth, she hadn’t felt her normal self since she’d walked out of Heidi’s apartment the day before. She had seen the hurt in Heidi’s eyes when she had laid down the truth, but she hadn’t been able to stop herself. The last thing Vanessa wanted was Heidi railroading her into something she didn’t want. But I do want her. That was the problem. Only under her own terms. Which are what exactly? Vanessa honestly didn’t know. It certainly wasn’t friends with benefits as Heidi had thought. She wouldn’t have that sort of relationship with anyone, regardless of how she felt about them. If she was going to enter into anything, even if it was short term, she would go all the way.

  ‘Would you like another coffee?’ The young waitress who had served her earlier appeared at her side.

  Vanessa took a moment to consider as she looked down at her empty cup. ‘No thanks, I’d best be off.’

  Gathering her coat and bag, she left the café, looking in both directions before getting in her car. Annoyed with herself for feeling guilty about putting her needs first, she revved the engine more than necessary and sped off in the direction of her office. If she was going to get through the day, she had to stop thinking about Heidi and get on with things.

  Walking through the doors of the reception area, an overwhelming sense of dread washed over her.

  ‘Morning, Gina.’

  ‘Morning.’ Gina averted her gaze and shuffled a stack of papers on her desk. She looked morose, as though she was contemplating a subject she did not particularly enjoy. It was obvious Gina wanted to be anywhere other than where she was.

  ‘Gina?’

  ‘Yes?’ she said, failing to keep her voice even.

  ‘Have you seen Craig? He was supposed to meet me for breakfast but never showed up.’

  ‘He’s in the conference room,’ she whispered.

  ‘Who’s he talking with? A new client?’

  Gina’s face paled. ‘No, the board.’

  ‘The board?’ I should be present during th
ose meetings. ‘Do you know what they’re discussing?’

  Gina hesitated, looking about the office at her mute colleagues. ‘I was taking minutes, but Craig told me to leave. They were discussing … you.’

  Vanessa couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. Me? Leaning over Gina’s desk, Vanessa asked, in a softer tone, ‘What were they saying that was so urgent that a meeting had to be called so early?’

  ‘Craig is trying to oust you from the company. That’s why they’re all here. I’m so sorry; I wanted to call you to let you know, but he threatened to fire me if I said a word.’

  That’s just his style. Vanessa hurried along the corridor to the conference room. The doors were closed, obscuring the voices inside. She stood outside the door to collect herself. There was no point in going in like a bull in a china shop. She had to be composed. Articulate. Calm. All three things she didn’t feel.

  Taking a deep breath, Vanessa reached for the door handles and pressed them down at the same time. In one swift movement, she pushed the doors open and came face to face with an oval table of judges with her malevolent brother at the head, by the window.

  ‘All those in favour?’ Craig said as she strode in. His features froze. Vanessa gave him a knowing smile. Yes, you little shit I know exactly what you’re up to. Now was the time to deal with him once and for all.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Am I imposing?’ she asked, looking at the sea of blank faces that stared back at her. They clearly hadn’t been expecting her. She could only imagine the yarn Craig had spun them. Instead of sitting, she strolled to the top of the table where Craig sat. He squirmed in his seat when she clamped her hand over his shoulder.

  ‘You’ll have to excuse me for being late. Craig led me to believe I was meeting him in a café, not the conference room, didn’t you Craig?’

  When Vanessa looked down at him, she could see the veins on his temple already bulging.

  ‘I told you … I thought ….’ He loosened his tie, flustered.

  ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to explain yourself. What matters is that we’re all here now. I believe you were just about to take a vote. Does someone want to fill me in?’