by Amanda Cowen
“Six months isn’t enough. I want you out of my life.”
“We both know you don’t mean that.” She takes another step forward as her hands slide up my sides, spreading across my shoulders before I grab her wrists and push her back a fraction. She gasps at my sudden force. I let go of her wrists and we stare at each other in an impenetrable silence.
“I mean it,” I say with a snarl, breaking the tension.
“We had a deal, Cash.” She stares at my face. Her expression turns from confident to calculating. “You can’t do that.”
“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” I remind her. “Now get out. I need to get ready for practice.”
“I thought after everything we’ve been through that you’d at least be happy for me.” Her bottom lip begins to quiver and tears starts to fall down her cheeks. A year ago, my heart would’ve hurt at the sight of her in tears. I would’ve done anything to make them go away, but now, I want her to be in as much pain as I am.
“How many times do I have to say it?” I pull open the door and wait for her to walk through it. “Get out.”
Her face is tight, jaw clenched as she pushes past me and through the door without another word. I slam it behind her, take a deep breath, and walk into my bedroom. On auto-pilot, I rifle through my drawers until I find another half-drunk bottle—whiskey this time—and take a swig, anger rising like steam in my chest. I run my hand down my face and lower myself into a chair.
My head is pounding worse than it was before.
What the fuck have I done?
Chapter 6
Quinn
On Saturday morning Nadia and I attend our usual advanced yoga class. It’s the one place I’m able to find peace with my thoughts, even if it’s only for sixty minutes once a week. The truth is, my thoughts of Cash haven’t diminished over time. I keep waiting for my heart to feel settled or fulfilled with my new routines. But it’s not happening. I’m in a constant state of longing for him.
I look up from the downward dog position to find the entire class already twisted up into a crane pose. As if hearing my sudden lack of focus, our instructor calls out to me, reminding me to keep up, and find my inner peace. I force myself into this new and complicated pose as Nadia glances in my direction with a smirk, wearing the world’s tightest sports bra and matching yoga pants. She’s been trying to seduce a guy in our class by dressing half-naked, styling her hair, and contouring her makeup like she walked off of a runway at nine in the morning.
“Ooh, Hot Yoga Guy is looking over here,” she whispers. “Thanks for making an ass of yourself. He just smiled at me.”
“You’re welcome.” A bead of sweat drips off my brow.
“You okay today? You seem a bit distracted.” she says as we switch into another pose.
“I’m fine. Just lost in my thoughts.”
“This is yoga class. You shouldn’t have any thoughts,” she says, “That’s the point of it.”
“No. That’s mediation,” I correct her.
“Same thing,” she replies, and again glances over her shoulder at Hot Yoga Guy. “Ugh. I really wish he would ask me out already.”
“If you’re so into him, why don’t you ask him out?” I suggest. “You stare at him enough.”
“No way. In the same way you want a ‘meet cute’ relationship, I want a man who chases after me,” Nadia says.
It’s in this moment I realize how different my world is right now from Nadia’s. How much more complex. Instead of drooling over every guy with a six pack, my brain’s turned off all interest in the opposite sex. I tell myself it’s because I’m focused on my education, but I know it’s more than that. And what Nadia doesn’t realize is I’ve already had my “meet cute” relationship with Cash, and it’s entirely possible I may never fully recover.
“If you want a man-who-chases-after-you relationship, then you shouldn’t gawk at said man with your boobs hanging out,” I whisper as I toss my ponytail over my shoulder. “Why would he ask you out? He knows he can get you with one wink of an eye. He gets an ego boost and free show without having to commit to you.”
I turn away from her and twist into our next pose.
“Damn you, Quinn. I hate that that actually makes sense,” she hisses at my backside.
I feel a flash of regret, thinking about how Cash chased me until I fell for his charm, only for him to deceive me. He may be a lot of things—charismatic, elusive, attractive—but I never thought unfaithful would become number one on the list. But he did love me. I felt it even if he clearly belonged to someone else.
“Alright ladies and gentleman, great class today,” the yoga instructor says. “Time for a cool down. Please kneel on the floor with your knees together and your buttocks resting on your heels. Keep your back straight.”
Switching in the next pose, I hear Nadia whisper on my right. “So what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t push out my buttock too far to entice him?”
“Do whatever you want. But I think that if you want him, you should just grow a pair and ask him out already,” I whisper back.
The yoga instructor’s voice echoes into the studio once again. “Exhale and bend forward so that your forehead touches the floor. Keep your buttocks on your heels.”
“Does he look upset that I am not teasing him with my booty?” Nadia asks.
Slowly, I turn my neck to sneak a peek at Hot Yoga Guy. He’s staring directly at Nadia, trying to get a better look at her long and lean body. “He’s looking over at you,” I whisper and her eyes light up and she giggles. “He’s clearly into you. Stop playing games with him.”
“Now put your arms out, so that your elbows are off the floor or rest them by the sides of your feet, palms facing up.” The yoga instructor gives her final bit of instruction.
Nadia studies me for a moment. “Wow, you really don’t like the chase do you? Did your last boyfriend give you a reason not to trust him? Is that why you broke up?”
Looking down the yoga mat, I mutter. “Yeah, you could say that.”
________
After yoga we walk a few blocks west to a small café. It’s clean and bright inside, and smells like peppermint and fresh-baked goods. Cozy sofas and tall bookcases fill the tiny space, and a few steps to the left is a set of glass doors leading out onto an outdoor patio. I set down my bag at an open sofa and join Nadia at the counter.
“I’ll have a green tea and a cranberry-lemon muffin,” she says.
“And for you miss?” the barista asks.
“A vanilla rooibos tea and a blueberry muffin please,” I reply.
The barista prepares our tea and snacks and brings them out to us a few minutes later.
“Can you believe ignoring him worked?” Nadia begins, sipping her tea and wiggling her eyebrows. “I can’t believe Greg finally asked me out after class. I owe you big time.”
“I’m happy for you. Hopefully he’s a good guy,” I say.
“Speaking of good guys, tell me, how are things with Aiden?” she asks.
“Normal. Fine,” I tell her, reaching for my muffin. “Why?”
Nadia looks at me with the most comical look of contrived innocence I’ve ever seen. “Just wondering. You’re still going with the answer that nothing happened after the bonfire?”
“Of course nothing happened. We’re friends. I already told you that.”
She rolls her eyes. “He likes you. It’s obvious.”
I shrug. “Not to me.”
“Wow, your ex-boyfriend must have done a real number on you,” Nadia says with a snooping tone evident in her voice. “You’re completely oblivious to the opposite sex. Are you ever going to tell me about this mystery man?”
“He’s hardly worth talking about,” I say.
Nadia is already shaking her head. “All exes are worth talking about.”
“Not mine.”
“Who ended things?”
“It’s a long story,” I say, a little overwhelmed and not exactly sure how to respond.
“Do you miss him?” Nadia prods. Clearly she isn’t going to give up.
“I hate him,” I lie.
“To get to the point of hate there must have been love. So what’s your mystery ex’s name?”
I take a deep breath and look out the window. “I’d rather not—”
“Spill it.”
Maybe I should tell her. Holding everything in hasn’t been good for me. Maybe it’s time I finally open up to someone who isn’t Lyndsey or Aiden. It might be the only way I’m ever going to get out of this slump.
“Fine. You want to know his name? Cash Brooks,” I say and immediately regret it.
“No flipping way!” she shouts, and everyone in the café turns their heads to look over at us. “You’re telling me you dated the hottest jock on the planet?”
My face heats. “Looks aren’t everything.”
“They are when you’re banging Cash Brooks.” She grins at me. “So that means he’s single and ready to mingle?”
“Very funny.”
“You’re messing with me, right?” She lifts her cup to her lips to sip her tea.
I sigh. “I wish I were.”
Nadia’s eyes widen. “You’re not kidding.” She puts down her tea. “Why did he end things?”
“Why do you assume he ended things?”
“Because no female in her right mind would break up with him,” she responds with a smirk. “You cannot drop a bomb like that and not tell me every dirty detail.”
“It’s complicated.”
“I’ve got nowhere to go.” She leans back in into the sofa. “Let’s start slow. How did you meet?”
I take a bite of my muffin, chew, and swallow. “At a hockey game.”
“That doesn’t sound very ‘meet cute’ to me,” she teases.
“Unfortunately, it was totally meet cute. He was thrown into the penalty box, and I was sitting on the other side of the glass. When he saw me, he said he’d get a goal for me…and he did.”
Nadia’s beaming so enormously I can count every single one of her teeth. “Wow. I’m jealous.”
“Then next thing I know, my Dad hooked me up with an internship in the Bruiser’s marketing department…” My voice trails off.
“And…?” Nadia prompts.
I throw my hands up in surrender. “And somehow I lost my head, fell in love, had my heartbroken, and ended up all alone on a plane to Boston six months later.”
I want to say something more and show her I’m not completely consumed with the pain of ending things with Cash, but I can’t summon any words to reassure her—or me.
“Was he upset you came to Boston?” she finally asks. Her voice is gentle and careful, but I can feel her curiosity.
Even though I know I can trust Nadia, I’m scared of pouring out my heart to someone. Still, I’m so done with being sad. Trying to hide my emotions is exhausting, and I’m tired of being good at it. I need to tell someone. I can feel the hurt that consumes me already clawing to escape. I need to get rid of it.
“You need to promise me that everything I’m about to tell you stays between us.” I feel every particle of air evacuate my chest in a gust when she replies with a nod.
The words pour out of me as I explain how Cash pursued me and how I tried to fight it. I tell her how things changed once I was thrown into the Men’s Health photo shoot and he kissed me. I tell her how we hid our relationship from the league and how my father told me to stay away from Cash. How Cash took me to Newfoundland, gave me a key to his place, and promised he would let me in. But then how when I told him about Harvard, he didn’t support me. I break down and tell her about the girl, the booze, and the drugs at his penthouse. How he showed up at the airport and begged for my forgiveness. Except he wasn’t there for me—he was there for his wife.
“Wow,” Nadia finally says. “That is messed up.”
“Yeah,” I say with a sigh.
“And you’re sure they are actually together, and it’s not some weird arrangement.”
“Well, no…” My voice trails off.
“I’m no detective, but I think something is missing from his side of the story. He never even verbally confirmed that she’s his wife, right?”
“Right,” I say, wary. “But he didn’t verbally confirm she wasn’t his wife either.”
“Don’t you think if a high-profile hockey star like Cash Brooks was married people would know about it? There has to be some explanation.”
“Like what?”
“Maybe they have an open relationship. It’s no secret your boy-toy likes the ladies.”
I crumble my muffin into pieces. “Then he should have told me. I was his girlfriend. I fucking loved him and he said he loved me too. We weren’t some casual fling that met on Tinder.”
“Well, what about when he said she had something to do with his brother. Did you ask him about that?”
Here, I thought telling Nadia would help with my problems. Now her questions are creating more things on my list of worries.
“The whole situation is a nightmare,” I say. “Yes, I feel like something isn’t adding up, but I also feel like he should have told me about her. You don’t hide something like a wife from someone who loves you. Regardless of your reasons or the consequences.”
Nadia seems to consider this for a long, quiet beat. “Yeah, but the way you just rehashed it all... it sounded like he loved you a lot too. Have you thought about calling him?”
____________
Later that night, I make a bowl of popcorn, flop down on the sofa, and turn on the television. I feel emotionally drained. Unwanted questions about Cash swirl around in my head, but I hope I’ll be able to push them away with a chick-flick. I cram a handful of popcorn into my mouth and start to flip through the channels. Yes! Success. No Strings Attached. Love this movie. I curl up into quilt and lean back into the sofa.
“You look cozy.”
I blink away from the television and over to Aiden wearing nothing but a pair of gray sweats. His feet are bare, his chest is bare, and his abs ripple like speedbumps on his stomach. He actually looks really good. Like yummy good. He used to be quite scrawny…and I haven’t seen him without a shirt on since…well…high school.
I didn’t realize how much working out at the gym has helped his physique.
When he came home a little while ago, he bee-lined it straight to the shower. Which isn’t unusual on Saturday after he gets home from touch football with a bunch of guys from our class.
He runs a towel over his wet blond hair and smiles at me when he draped the towel over his shoulder.
Why is my skin humming with warmth at the sight of him? It’s Aiden.
“Would you like some company?” he asks. “I’m too lazy to work on school assignments, and I don’t want to go clubbing with the football guys.” He flops onto the sofa and tosses his feet up onto the coffee table. “What are you watching?”
“Umm, No Strings Attached,” I say, watching his hand dig around in the popcorn bowl on my lap. I hope he can’t tell how distracted I am at the sight of him without a shirt.
He must notice because his smile widens when he catches me staring. He’s obviously pleased with the affect his bare abdomen is having me.
“You didn’t want to go out with the boys?” I ask, forcing my gaze to the bowl of popcorn on my lap. Was Nadia right? Could Aiden like me as more than a friend?
Aiden shrugs. “Meh. I was hoping you’d be home, and we could chill together.”
I don’t respond, instead I grab the remote and wave it at him. “We can change it to something else if you like.”
He shakes him head. “Nah, this is good.”
“Are you sure? It’s a chick-flick.”
“I’m sure,” he responds without a blink of hesitation. “So, tell me…how was your day?” He sits back a little, genuinely interested. “Did you and Nadia make it to yoga this morning?”
“Yeah, we did. Hot Yoga Dude finally asked her out.”
I’d been updating Aiden on the chronicles of Nadia’s quest to take down Hot Yoga Guy over the past few weeks. Aiden always jokes that she’s so crazy horny she pursues every cute guy on and off campus. We both know she’s all over the map with her men.
“How long do you think it will take before she gets bored with this one?” he asks.
“No more than three dates.” I hold out the bowl of popcorn to him and watch as he pops a few kernels into his mouth. “How was your day?”
“Good.” He nods and leans back, draping his arms along the back of the sofa behind me. “I spent the morning lying around the apartment and watching TV. Eventually I went and grabbed some groceries and then I hit the gym. I waited around for you afterward, but when you didn’t come home I decided to go to Jeremy’s house before our touch football game.”
We settle into a comfortable silence, eating popcorn and watching television. Aiden inches closer to me, and eventually we end up side by side under the quilt. His knee brushes against mine, his bicep tickles the back of my neck, and he smells delicious like Axe body wash. We’ve never sat this close together on the sofa before. Probably because if he’s ever inched too close to me I’ve scooted away. But tonight, something tells me to stay put and enjoy his close company.
I watch Aiden out of the corner of my eye as he laughs during a goofy scene in the movie. I wouldn’t have thought it were possible for me to ever like Aiden as more than a friend, but his full bellied laugh and bare chest might be making me change my mind. And after my conversation with Nadia today, admitting my heartbreak and reliving Cash’s ultimate betrayal, opened wounds I’ve been licking for a while. I’m finally ready for those wounds to heal and disappear into scars. And even though I find myself attracted to Aiden right now, I don’t long for his touch, or daydream about having his lips on mine, or his hands in my hair, or his taut lean body over top of me, like I craved so desperately when I was with Cash. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Unlike Cash, Aiden’s a safe and responsible choice in a partner. He may not make my butterflies swirl around in my belly, but he’s sweet, caring, calm, and honest. An intelligent girl would be stupid not to like him.
