This Girl: A Novel

by Colleen Hoover

  I dreamt about this girl last night.

  Wow.

  This girl.

  In my dream I was standing on the edge of a cliff

  Looking down over a vast, barren valley below

  I wasn’t wearing any shoes and the rocks were crumbling beneath my toes.

  It would have been so easy to take a step back,

  To move away from the ledge,

  Away from a certain inevitable life that had somehow been determined for me

  a life that had somehow become my only option.

  It had been my life for two years and I accepted that.

  I had not embraced it,

  But I had accepted it.

  It was where I belonged.

  As much as it didn’t appeal to me, as much as I yearned for the rivers and mountains and trees,

  As much as I yearned to hear their songs . . .

  To hear their . . . poetry?

  It was apparent that what I yearned for

  wasn’t decided by me . . .

  it was decided for me.

  So . . . I did the only thing I could do.

  The only thing I should do.

  I prepared myself to embrace this life.

  I sucked it up and took a deep breath. I placed my hands on the edge of the cliff and began to lower myself onto the rocks protruding from the edge. I burrowed my fingers deep into the crevices and slowly began lowering myself down.

  Down into the vast,

  barren

  valley

  that had become

  my

  life.

  But then . . .

  Then this girl . . .

  Holy hell, this girl . . .

  She appeared out of nowhere, standing directly in front of me on the edge of that cliff. She looked down at me with her sad eyes that ran a million miles deep . . .

  and she smiled at me.

  This girl smiled at me.

  A look that cut straight to my core and pierced through my heart like a million of Cupid’s arrows,

  One right on top of the other, on top of the other, on top of the other

  Straight . . .

  Into . . .

  My heart . . .

  Now this is the part of the dream where most girls would bend down and grab my hands, telling me not to go . . . not to do it. This is the part of the dream where most girls would grab my wrists and brace themselves with their feet as they pulled me up with every ounce of strength in their being. This is the part of the dream where most girls would scream at the top of their lungs for help, doing anything and everything they could to save me . . .

  To rescue me

  from that

  vast,

  barren

  valley

  below.

  But this girl.

  This girl wasn’t most girls.

  This girl . . .

  This girl did something even better.

  First, she sat down on the edge of the cliff and kicked off her shoes and we both watched as they fell and fell and fell and continued to fall until they landed in a heap. One shoe right on top of the other in that vast, barren valley below.

  Then she slid a rubber band off her wrist,

  Reached behind her . . .

  And pulled her hair

  into a knot.

  And then this girl

  This girl . . .

  She placed her hands right next to mine on the edge of that cliff and she slowly began to lower herself off of it. She poked her bare feet into whatever crevice she could find next to mine. She dug the fingers of her right hand into the cracks between the rocks, then placed her left hand

  directly . . .

  on top . . .

  of mine.

  She looked down at the vast, barren valley below us, then she looked back up at me and she smiled.

  She smiled.

  She looked at me and smiled and said . . .

  “Are you ready?”

  And I was.

  I finally was.

  I had never been more ready in my life.

  Yeah . . .

  This girl.

  My mother would have loved this girl.

  Too bad she was just a dream.

  I CLOSE MY eyes and tune out the noise of the crowd while I wait for my lungs to find their rhythm again. When I descend the stage and take a seat back at the table, Eddie stands up, wiping tears from her eyes. She looks down at me and frowns.

  “Would it kill you to do something funny for once?” She storms toward the bathroom, I’m assuming to fix her makeup.

  I look at Gavin and laugh, but he’s staring back at me with his arms folded in front of him on the table. “Will, I think I’ve got an idea.”

  “Pertaining to . . .”

  “You,” he says. He gestures toward the stage, “and your . . . situation.”

  I lean forward. “What about my situation?”

  “I know someone,” he says. “She works with my mom. She’s your age, cute, in college.”

  I immediately shake my head. “No. No chance,” I say, leaning back into the booth.

  “Will, you can’t be with Layken. If your poem had anything to do with her, which I’m thinking it had everything to do with her, then you need to find a way to get over this. If you don’t, you’ll end up screwing up your entire career over this girl. A girl you went on one date with. One!”

  I continue to shake my head at his reasoning. “I’m not looking for a girlfriend, Gavin. I wasn’t even looking for anything when I met Lake. I’m fine with where I am right now; I definitely don’t need to add even more female drama into the picture.”

  “You won’t be adding more drama. You’ll be filling an obvious void in your life. You need to date. Eddie was right.”

  “What was I right about?” Eddie says, returning to her seat.

  Gavin gestures toward me. “About Will. He needs to date. Don’t you think he and Taylor would hit it off?”

  Eddie perks up. “I didn’t even think about her! Yes! Will, you’re gonna love her,” she says excitedly.

  “I’m not letting you guys set me up.” I grab my jacket. “I’ve got to get back home. See you guys in class tomorrow.”

  Eddie and Gavin both stand. “I’ll get her number tomorrow,” Eddie says. “Is next Saturday night okay? You two could double date with us.”

  “I’m not going.” I walk away without turning back or giving in.

  8.

  the honeymoon

  “OKAY,” LAKE SAYS. “Two things. One. That poem was . . . heartbreakingly beautiful.”

  “Just like its subject,” I say. I lean in to kiss her but she brings her hand up and pushes my face away.

  “Two,” she says, narrowing her eyes. “Gavin and Eddie tried to set you up with someone?” She huffs and sits up on the bed. “Good thing you didn’t agree to it. I don’t care how screwed up our situation was, there’s no way I would have dated anyone else considering the way I felt about you.”

  I quickly change the subject before she realizes that, although I didn’t agree to it, Eddie is pretty damn persistent.

  “Okay, now for Friday night,” I say, successfully taking her mind off the date. “Your mom.”

  “Yeah,” she says, finding a comfortable spot next to me and throwing her leg over mine. “My mom.”

  secrets

  “PASTA AGAIN?” CAULDER whines. He grabs his plate of food from the counter and takes it to the bar and sits.

  “If you don’t like it, learn how to cook.”

  “I like it,” Kel says. “My mom cooks a lot of vegetables and chicken. That’s probably why I’m so small, because I’m malnouredish.”

  I laugh and correct him. “It’s malnourished.”

  Kel rolls his eyes. “That’s what I said.”

  I grab my own bowl and fill it with pasta . . . again. We do have pasta at least three times a week, but there are only two of us. I don’t see the point in making expensive meals when it’s just me
and a nine-year-old most of the time. I take a seat at the bar across from the two boys and fill all of our glasses with tea.

  “Suck and sweet time,” Caulder says.

  “What’s suck and sweet?” Kel asks.

  As soon as Caulder starts to explain, there’s a knock at the front door. When I reach the door and open it, I’m surprised to find Julia standing in the entryway. Her presence has definitely become more intimidating since the first day I met her; especially after this afternoon when she found out about me being a teacher.

  She looks up at me straight faced, with her hands in the pockets of her scrub top.

  “Oh. Hey,” I say, trying not to appear as nervous as I am. “Kel just started eating. If you want, I’ll send him home as soon as he’s done.”

  “Actually,” she says. She glances over my shoulder at the boys, then looks back at me and lowers her voice to a whisper. “I really wanted to talk to you if you have a few minutes.”

  She seems a little bit nervous, which just makes me ten times more nervous. “Sure.” I step aside and motion for her to come in.

  “You guys can eat in your room, Caulder. I need to talk to Julia.”

  “But we haven’t said our suck and sweet for today,” Caulder says.

  “Do them in your room. I’ll tell you mine later.”

  The boys pick up their bowls and drinks and head to Caulder’s room, closing the door behind them. When I turn back to Julia her mouth is curled up in a smile.

  “Suck and sweet?” she says. “Is that your way of getting him to tell you his good and bad for the day?”

  I smile and nod. “We started it about six months ago.” I take a seat on the same couch as her. “It was his therapist’s idea. Although the original version wasn’t called suck and sweet. I sort of ad-libbed that part to make it sound more appealing to him.”

  “That’s sweet,” she says. “I should start doing that with Kel.”

  I give her a slight smile but don’t respond. I’m not really sure what she’s doing here or what her intentions are, so I silently wait for her to continue. She takes a deep breath and focuses her gaze on the family picture hanging on the wall across from her.

  “Your parents?” she says, pointing to the picture.

  I relax into the couch and look up at the picture. “Yeah. My mom’s name was Claire. My dad’s name was Dimas. He was half Puerto Rican—named after his maternal grandfather.”

  Julia smiles. “That explains your natural tan.”

  It’s obvious she’s trying to deflect for some reason. She continues to stare at the picture. “Do you mind if I ask how they met?” she says.

  Just a few hours ago she was ready to rip my head off after finding out I’m Lake’s teacher; now she’s trying to get to know me? Whatever’s going on with her, I’m in no position to question her, so I just go along with it.

  “They met in college. Well, my mom was in college. My dad was actually a member of a band that played on her campus. He didn’t go to college until a few years after they met. My mom was on a campus crew that would help set up their shows and they got to know each other. He asked her out and the rest is history. They married two years later.”

  “What’d they do for a living?”

  “Mom was in human resources. Dad was a . . . he taught English.” Just saying the word teacher in front of her makes me uncomfortable. “Not the best-paying jobs but they were happy.”

  She sighs. “That’s what counts.”

  I nod in agreement. There’s an awkward silence that follows while she slowly scans the pictures on the walls around us. I feel like she wants to bring up everything from earlier today, but maybe she doesn’t know how.

  “Listen, Julia.” I turn toward her on the couch. “I really am sorry about what happened between Lake . . . between Layken and me. The position I’ve put her in isn’t fair to her and I feel terrible. It’s completely my fault.”

  She smiles and reaches across the couch, then pats the top of my hand. “I know it wasn’t intentional, Will. What happened was an unfortunate misunderstanding; I know that. But . . .” She sighs and shakes her head. “As much as I like you and think you’re a great guy . . . it’s just not right. She’s never been in love before and it scares me when I think about the way she looked when she walked through that front door last Thursday night. I know she wants to do the right thing, but I also know she would do anything to get back to that moment. It’s the first time I’ve seen her that happy since before her father died.”

  Hearing her validate that Lake’s feelings were just as intense as mine makes this whole thing even harder. I know she’s only trying to make a point, but it’s a point I’d rather not hear.

  “What I’m trying to say is . . . this is in your hands, Will. I know she’s not strong enough to deny her heart what it wants, so I need you to promise me that you will. You’ve got more at stake here than she does. This isn’t a fairy tale. This is reality. If you two end up following your hearts and not your heads, it’ll end in disaster.”

  I shift on the couch and attempt to think of a way to respond. Julia is obviously the type of person who can see through bullshit, so I know I need to be up front with her.

  “I like her, Julia. And in some odd way, I care about her. I know I’ve only known her for a little over a week now, but . . . I do. I care about her. And that’s exactly why you don’t have anything to worry about. I want nothing more than to help Layken get past this—whatever it is she’s feeling. I know the only way to do that is to keep our relationship strictly professional from now on. And I promise you, I will.”

  I hear the words coming from my mouth, and I would like to admit that I’m being one hundred percent honest with her. But if I’m being one hundred percent honest with myself, I know I’m not that strong. Which is why I have to keep my distance.

  Julia rests her elbow against the back of the couch and lays her head on it. “You’re a good person, Will. I hope one day she’ll be lucky enough to find someone half as good as you. I just don’t want her finding it yet, you know? And definitely not under these circumstances.”

  I nod. “I don’t want that for her right now, either,” I say quietly. And that response is for certain the truth. If there’s anything I know for sure, it’s that I don’t want to burden Lake with all of my responsibilities. She’s young and, unlike me, she still has a chance at an untainted future. I don’t want to be the one to take that from her.

  Julia leans back into the couch and looks at the picture of my parents again. I watch her while she stares at it. I can see now where Lake gets that distant gaze. I wonder if they were ever despondent before Lake’s father passed away, or if it’s a natural reaction after someone close to you dies. It makes me wonder if maybe I’m just as despondent when I think about my own parents.

  Julia’s hand goes up to her cheek and she wipes at newly formed tears in her eyes. I don’t know why she’s crying, but I instantly feel her sadness. It exudes from her.

  “What was it like for you?” she whispers, still staring at the picture.

  I face forward again and look at their picture. “What was what like?” I ask. “Their death?”

  She nods, but doesn’t look at me. I lean back and fold my arms across my chest, resting my head against the back of the couch again. “It was . . .” I realize I’ve never talked to anyone about what it was like for me. Other than the slam I’ve performed about their death, I’ve never spoken about it to a single person. “It was as if every single nightmare I’ve ever had throughout my entire life became reality in that single instant.”

  She squeezes her eyes shut and clamps her hand over her mouth, quickly turning away.

  “Julia?”

  She’s unable to control her tears now. I scoot closer to her on the couch and put my arm around her and pull her to me. I know she isn’t crying because of what I said. She’s crying because of something else entirely. There’s something bigger going on here than just me and Lake. Something mu
ch bigger. I pull back and look at her.

  “Julia, tell me,” I say. “What’s wrong?”

  She pulls away and stands up, heading toward the door. “I need to go,” she says through her tears. She walks out the front door before I have a chance to stop her. When I make it outside, she’s standing on my patio crying uncontrollably. I walk over to her, unsure of what to do. Unsure if I’m in the position to do anything, even if I wanted to.

  “Look, Julia. Whatever this is, you need to talk about it. You don’t have to tell me, but you need to talk about it. Do you want me to go get Layken?”

  She darts her eyes up to mine. “No!” she says. “Don’t. I don’t want her to see me upset like this.”

  I place my hands on her shoulders. “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

  She breaks her gaze from mine, indicating I’ve hit the nail on the head. She’s not okay. She steps away from me and wipes her tears away with her shirt. She inhales a few deep breaths, attempting to stop more tears from flowing.

  “I’m not ready for them to know, Will. Not yet,” she whispers. She hugs herself tightly and glances at her house. “I just want them to have a chance to settle in. They’ve been through so much already this year. I can’t tell them yet. It’ll break their souls.”

  She doesn’t come out and say it, but I can hear it in her voice. She’s sick.

  I wrap my arms around her and hug her. I hug her for what she’s going through, for what she’s been through. I hug her for Lake, I hug her for Kel, and I hug her for Caulder and myself. I hug her because it’s all I know to do.

  “I won’t say anything. I promise.” I don’t even know how to begin to put myself in her shoes in order to empathize. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for her. To know that both of your children are possibly going to be left in the world without you? At least my parents didn’t know what was about to happen to them before it happened. At least they didn’t have to carry around the burden that Julia is carrying.

  She finally pulls away and wipes at her eyes again. “Just send Kel home when he’s finished eating. I need to get to work.”