by C. Michelle
“Oh, hell no! You suck dick. I don’t wanna put my mouth anywhere your mouth has been!”
I start cackling at his crude comment. “Fucker! I wasn’t going to give you any anyways! Besides, you should talk! I don’t even want to think about all the body parts that have been in your mouth! Eww.”
“Trust me…it’s a lot!” Kade chuckles then suddenly becomes serious mid laugh. “You know what I don’t get…when adults kiss babies and small kids on the lips. I’m sure those motherfuckers had a mouthful of pussy or a mouthful of dick hours earlier and later they kiss their poor babies on the lips. Nasty bastards! Kiss kids on their cheeks or forehead, bitches.”
“Oh, yeah. I agree. You know what pisses me off? When I see some sorry ass parents completely covered up in cold weather, but their babies don’t have a jacket or socks or a fuckin’ blanket, yet the moms are nice and cozy in their warm clothes. Like…what the fuck?”
“I know, right? Hey, how come we’re discussing kids? We don’t know shit about them?” Kade’s eyebrows crease with confusion.
“You brought up the kids topic, it’s probably because your biological clock is ticking and deep down inside you want little monsters of your own.” I tease even though he ignores my comment. “I’m sure it’s the alcohol. Alcohol is a contradicting bitch, it makes people talk stupid and tell the truth.”
“Not with me. It comes naturally. It’s called keeping it real and being an ass. I embrace my qualities.” Kade states smugly.
After several more drinks, we both pass out in the living room until the following morning. Surprisingly, I don’t wake up hung over; I wake up refreshed and determined to get answers from my man tonight. As I’m leaving my house to head to work, Kade runs up the stairs.
“I hope you and Josh get shit cleared. I hate hearing you whine. You sound like such a girl. Yuck!”
“Ugh. I know. After work I’m going to work out, shower, then head to his house to talk. I’m not even going to call, I’m just showing up. How was your run?”
“I mostly walked. My gunshot wound still hurts. I’m trying to take it easy so that I can heal faster. I know everyone at the gym misses me. Hello? I’m their eye candy.”
“Riiiiiiiight.” I drag out the word.
Every hour and every minute of today went by at a snail’s pace. Work wasn’t enough of a distraction; I still managed to get anxious about my talk with Josh tonight and allowed the worst case scenarios to run through my mind.
The past half hour of waiting for my man to arrive was torturous until I decided to crank up the music in my car. I didn’t feel comfortable going inside his house even though I know where he keeps a spare key, for some reason, things feel different and I no longer feel welcomed in his home. Instead, I choose comfort from the darkness surrounding my car and allow the mellow tunes of one of my favorite songs, “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce to put my mind at ease.
While hearing the song the third time, headlights that are too high for a car and even for a standard truck appear. Josh. He’s here.
His wrought iron gate automatically opens as he steers into his driveway. His tinted windows don’t allow me to see him, but I’m sure he sees me parked on the street. Before I exit my car, I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Ready? Yes, I’m ready.
As I walk towards his truck, I see him getting out, looking handsome as ever. Even the night’s dark sky can’t deter his good looks. He makes his way to me. Seconds later, I notice a woman exiting his truck. My breathing, my heart, and steps come to a halt. Right when Josh gets within my arm’s reach, I notice a little boy getting out of the truck’s back passenger side and yell, “Dad!”
Josh’s eyes widen, without saying a word to me, he turns around, and rapidly walks back to the small child and lifts him up in a protective hold. The lady immediately runs to their side. I turn around and walk back to my car with my heart shattering with every step that I take.
I refuse to shed any tears while being so close to that man’s proximity. I can’t even think his name without wanting to collapse into misery. I manage to maintain my cool and stay focused on the view ahead. I turn on my ignition and press forward on my CD player, I’m no longer wishing on a star. The next song to play, is “Tell Me This Is a Dream” by the Delfonics. I crank up the song and drive away slowly. Once I reach the bottom of the hill, I change the music and play an upbeat rockabilly song, “Pass That Bottle” by the Devil’s Daughters is my companion during my miserable ride home and a much more appropriate song to play.
A sad truth? That man is now no one to me. There was no need for me to run off dramatically and cause a scene…it wasn’t necessary. No one was behind me. No one chased me. No one felt I was worthy of an explanation or apology. Absolutely…no one.
Chapter 5 (Nina)
Magic Mike
Driving through the enigmatic, busy streets of the city in a heartbroken mood makes me want to get lost in the chaos of it all. I need to get away from my thoughts, from my recent memories, and most important…from my pain. As I’m down on Market Street, I stop by a liquor store. Not just any drink will do for tonight, I need something that takes me back…back to a more carefree time in my life. I purchase two Four Lokos along with a few more items. The memories of my “hood” drinks and drug usage days instantly flood my mind. I smile weakly.
When I arrive home, I remain parked in my car. I’m not ready to discuss the incident that just occurred, speaking about it will make it real. My heart needs a break even if it’s just for a few minutes longer. I open my first tall can, fruit punch…I welcome the malt liquor in my mouth and wait for the numbness to take effect. “Higher” by Jhene Aiko begins to play when I turn on my radio. I allow the lyrics of the song to slice me and bring further agony upon me. After some thought, I realize I deserve the pain. My stupidity made me drop my guard and fall in love. What the fuck was I thinking? I hardly know him, yet he consumes me. Every bit of me. I felt like we connected, I wanted him to be the only man in my intimate life, but I learned the hard way that life doesn’t always have a fucking happily ever after. The truth does hurt.
I grab my paper bag and pull out a lighter along with some cigarettes. I haven’t smoked in years, but tonight…I’m smoking. I’d much rather smoke a fat blunt and really make my night of self-destruction something worth remembering, but for now…a cheap smoke will do.
Two Four Lokos and five cigarettes later, I finally decide I’m numb enough not to feel or care about the pain that refuses to dissolve. When I open Betty’s door, a cool breeze crushes my senses. Instantly, my strong buzz escalates to drunkenness. When I enter the house, I find Kade in our retro inspired kitchen. Aww…I have a pretty kitchen. I notice.
Kade stops making his protein shake to analyze me. “Dude…you look hella fucked up.” He scrutinizes me a bit longer then walks past me to look out of our living room’s window. “What the fuck, Cheesecake? You drove drunk?” He yells.
“What?” I take a moment to consider his accusation. Man…Kade looks pissed. That fucker sure is a cutie when he’s pissed. How is it even possible for a guy to have such long lashes? He’s definitely prettier than me. Asshole. But I love him because he’s my bestie. Besties FOREVER! Woooooo!!!
“Answer me! Did you drink and drive?” He yells then gets right in front of me.
OMG! Why is he yelling? He can be so fuckin’ obnoxious sometimes.
“Curse not.” I slur. “I’m sponsible adult.” I remind him. “I got shitfaced…” I stop to think. “while I was purked. See…nuffing to worry bout.” What the fuck? I can’t feel my mouth!
“Why the fuck, do you reek of cigarettes? You smoked? Without me? Spill the beans. Right now!” Kade commands as he grabs me by my arms.
His demanding tone makes me feel like a child being reprimanded. My emotional strength escapes me and chooses this moment to make me feel the hurt I’ve been so desperately trying to suppress. I begin to wail…loud.
“Aww shit, Cheesecake.” Kade loosens his
hold on my arms and wraps his arms around me rubbing my back for comfort. “Tell me what happened and I’ll do my best to fix it.”
His words make me recall the earlier situation with that man. I cry even harder burying my face into Kade’s chest for solace.
“Please, calm down. You’re making me freak out. Tell me what happened.” He strokes my hair gently while I continue to sob onto his chest.
I take deep breaths and still whimper, but manage to calm down slightly. Once I feel my breathing has evened, I decide to talk to Kade. As soon as my first word escapes my lips, I continue to ugly cry uncontrollably. He holds me tight once again. When he feels me moving away from him, he loosens his hold. My tears and mucus are too overwhelming, so I grab the bottom of Kade’s t-shirt and use it to wipe my eyes and blow my nose.
“No. You. Fuckin’. Didn’t.” I hear Kade whisper. “I so don’t like you right now.”
I hear his words, but don’t comprehend their meaning. It doesn’t matter…nothing matters at this moment. Exhaustion fiercely consumes me; I push Kade away and stagger to the living room. I throw myself on the couch where my mind finally shuts off.
Bacon. The delicious scent awakens me. The voices of Kade and my mom make me alert. With miniscule movements, I rise from the couch. I feel light headed and remain sitting up right with my eyes closed.
“WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! THIS IS NOT A DRILL, CADET! YOU WILL GET YOUR STINKY ASS AND SHOWER PRONTO, PRONTO, PRONTO! UNDERSTAND?” Kade screams into my right ear.
Ugh. I must be in hell.
“Kade! Leave your sister alone! Can’t you see she’s hurting?”
“But, Mama V! Yesterday she put snot all over me! On purpose! If you expect me to let that go…then you don’t know me!” Kade whines. “Mom, Cheesecake came home reeking of cigarettes, she came home drunk off her ass…and to be honest, I still don’t know if she was drinking and driving. The worst part, you ask? She didn’t ask me to join her! What.The.—” Kade’s rant is interrupted by my mom.
“Valentina Isabella Moretti! Were you drinking and driving, little girl? It’s one thing for you to go out partying and catch a cab because you’ve had one too many drinks, it’s a completely different and unacceptable story if you were out drinking irresponsibly! I have put up with years of you and Kade’s shenanigan’s, but never have I feared either one of you being so stupid that you would get behind the wheel while drunk and put your lives at risk, let alone those of innocent people! Now answer me! Were you or were you not drinking and driving last night?” My mom demands an answer.
I open my eyes and notice the frustration, hurt, and worry in my mother’s eyes. Immediately, I feel like a child again. A faint sob escapes me. “No.” I answer simply but within seconds, the waterworks are in full effect.
“Why are you crying?” My mom asks perplexed.
Her simple inquiry now has me in hysterics because I recall the reason for my drinking last night. “JOSH IS A FATHER!” I yell out.
“YOU’RE PREGNANT?” Both Kade and my mom ask in unison with a similar urgency to my words.
“NO!” I scream and continue to wail. In between sobs, I explain last night’s incident. “Josh has a son, he’s small around three or four. I saw them together last night along with the little boy’s mom. I left as soon as I saw them all together. Josh didn’t try to stop me to explain himself. He just let me go. So I left.” The disappointment in shedding tears for someone who is now no one to me is crushing. Kade has a seat next to me and hands me a box of tissues. Once I clean myself up, I’m resolute to end the pity party.
My mom has a seat on the floor and faces me. “So, do you think Josh has had a family this whole time and has been living a secret life or do you think the little boy was just as much of a surprise to Josh as it is to you?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore. All that matters is that Josh has been avoiding me for several days and hasn’t called to explain his son to me. At this point, I’m done with Josh.” I state firmly. All tears no longer welcomed.
My mom shakes her head in frustration. “Talk.To.Him! Only he can give you answers. It’s better than you speculating the worst scenarios.”
I’m completely over this conversation. “I’m done! That fucker has my phone number, knows where I live, and has been to my job, there’s no excuse for his avoidance and for not getting in touch with me. I’m done chasing after him. Done!”
Kade raises his hand and waits to be called upon.
“What, Kade?” Although I’m irritated, he makes me smile.
“Let me just give my two cents then we’ll be done speaking about Josh. I think…the little boy was a surprise to Josh. I doubt he knows what to do. Josh is completely anti-marriage, let alone anti-kids. It’s so not his thing. He might be avoiding you because you’ve been pretty vocal yourself about never wanting rug rats. Now that he has one…if the kid is truly his…he’s probably scared shitless that you’ll leave him and is delaying the inevitable. That’s just my opinion. Do with it as you please.”
“I won’t give your opinion a second thought for now, but thanks for putting up with me and allowing me to use you as my tissue.” I laugh.
The next Sunday morning, I drive to Fort Baker in Sausalito for a photo shoot. One of the photographers I’ve worked with in the past, reached out and asked me to be the featured model along with a 1949 Chevy Fleetline for a vintage car magazine. His grandfather is the owner of the vehicle. We’ve worked together several times and since he’s always really nice, I gladly do the favor for him. Most of the shots are taken from a position where the Golden Gate Bridge is the background.
The stylist on set opted for several ensembles including a polka dot pencil dress, a rockabilly swing Audrey dress, a Lauren top with capris, a classic coat dress, and paired the outfits with black and white wingtip or peek-a-boo pumps.
Initially, my hair was in perfectly smooth curled locks and later, it was styled into upswept rolls. Bright lips, cat-like eye makeup, and a light finishing powder along with various accessories complete my different looks.
Once the photo shoot ends, I change my clothes to sweats and a t-shirt, but leave my hair and makeup untouched. Being dolled up during a time when I feel so ugly inside was a great remedy to my melancholy mood. I decide to prolong my pretty look a bit longer. The distraction of the shoot was welcomed and served its purpose, but I’ll have to admit I’m glad it’s over. I quickly gather my belongings and say good bye to the crew.
I arrive home and find it empty. The house is clean, neat, extremely orderly, but I find myself lonely. Kade has such an ostentatious presence that at times the house feels too small. With his absence, the house feels too grand and cold. I realize I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts. Yesterday, I worked out, cleaned, and reorganized my home without a single call or text since I turned off my phone. There’s no point in turning it on again, I have no one I need to be in touch with.
A knock on the door pulls me out of my reverie. I answer it without a second thought.
Sexy, alluring eyes stare me down while my name escapes a lustful mouth. “Valentina?” A deep voice utters my name.
In awe with his handsome looks, I respond, “Yes?” In the form of a question, since I don’t know the handsome stranger at my doorstep.
A subtle smirk plants itself on his face. “I’m Michael, a friend of your father’s.”
Almost as if someone dumped a bucket of ice water on me, I snap out of my blatant observance of this man. I attempt to slam the door, but he wedges his foot between the door and frame. Panic hits me instantly. One thing my father, Diego doesn’t have is a friend. Past acquaintances want him dead to overtake his drug empire.
“Valentina. Hija, please calm down. I promise you that Michael is a good man and one of my very few trusted men. Please speak with him.” I recognize my father’s voice and distant accent.
It takes me a moment to process Diego’s words, but eventually I relax and open the door. Right away, he hands me h
is phone. “I apologize, Michael. You caught me off guard. Please come in and have a seat.”
“No need to apologize. It’s understandable.” He enters and follows me to my living room.
“Diego? What’s going on?” I speak into Michael’s phone and leave it on speaker.
“Hija, it’s so nice to hear your voice. I’ve tried calling you with no luck reaching you.”
“I turned off my phone this weekend. Is everything…okay?” I’m afraid to ask.
“Yes, I just want you to know that you can trust Michael and that if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. Also, if you ever plan on visiting me again, please do it as Michael’s paralegal. He’s one of the attorneys on my criminal defense team. For your safety, I’d rather not let anyone know you’re my daughter. I’m a very powerful man…even behind bars. Certain people would do anything to take over my business. Although my name is feared by many, it would be simple to conclude that you are my only weakness, the one thing in this world that could cause me pain. I can’t risk letting anyone hurt you to get to me. It’s not a chance I’m willing to take.”
Sadly, I allow his words to sink in. “Your business? I thought you were done and were going to accept your fate in prison? I assumed you were done…” I think about my next words. “Um…can I speak freely?”
“Yes, hija. Of course.”
“I thought you were done with the drugs, with murdering innocent people, I thought you were done being a cartel. I thought you wanted to be a better person.” A tear escapes me.
“Hija, I have been given the opportunity of a plea bargain consisting of less than five years in federal prison with certain clauses attached to my sentence. If I want to survive, my name still needs to demand respect and fear, otherwise…I won’t survive. I want to be a better person for you. I want to live for you. I want to change for you. But right now, I need to take care of business to survive and to protect you. I promise you this…I will never shed INNOCENT blood again.” He vows.
