Pinned Down

by C. Michelle

  I try to remain calm, but every cell in my body radiates with fury. I turn on the radio to calm my nerves. The song, “Liar, liar” by Cris Cab begins to play. I don’t think another song could be more appropriate at this time. I crank up the song hoping the bass overpowers my grief.

  Once the song is over, I pull over to take a deep breath. I get out and buy a 40oz beer. Before I open it, I call Nina. She answers immediately. “Go to my house right now.”

  “Babe, is everything okay? I’m busy at work, but if it’s an emergency I’ll go.”

  I feel like choking her over the phone. “It’s an emergency. If you’re not at my house in twenty minutes, I’m going to your job and things will just get ugly.”

  “Babe! Talk to me now. Tell me what’s going on. You have me worried.”

  “Get your fuckin’ ass to my house now!” I hang up the phone disgusted with the sound of her voice.

  I rush over to my house. I remain in my car unable to move afraid of destroying everything and anything in sight. Instead, I keep the music on, twist the cap of my 40, and begin to chug. Within less than five minutes, I finish my drink. Sadly, I realize the beer didn’t numb my pain. I head inside my house and take out my bottle of Gran Patrón Platinum tequila. Three double shots later and I finally sense a buzz, but I can also feel my pain lingering, refusing to abscond.

  “Babe? What’s going on?” Nina asks looking perfect as ever with concern infiltrated in her beautiful features. “Talk to me.”

  “Fuck you, you lying whore!” I get in her face preparing myself to hear her worthless reasons for lying to me.

  “Josh! What the fuck is your problem? Don’t speak to me like that! You’re acting like a complete asshole. Tell me what has you so angry!”

  I back away from her slowly. I want to observe her body language, her facial expression, and her demeanor as she tries to come up with a reason for playing me for a fool this whole time. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that you and Kade had fucked? I read your fuckin’ journal! You were in a relationship with him! You lied to me and told me he was like your fuckin’ brother, you lying conniving bitch! Why the fuck would you lie to me?”

  Nina’s face is completely shocked. “Josh, what Kade and I had was years ago. He is like my brother! We’re family!”

  Nina insisting Kade is like family pisses me off even more. “Since when is it okay to fuck your family?”

  “You’re judging me without knowing the whole story.”

  “Maybe if you were honest with me from the start, this wouldn’t be happening. I wouldn’t feel so betrayed. Kade has no loyalty to me, it wasn’t on him to tell me. But you? You’re always preaching about honesty, yet you kept this from me!”

  “Josh, please calm down. I hate to see you this upset.”

  “Upset? I’m not upset. I’m pissed as fuck! My lady lives with someone who she’s fucked and was in a relationship with! You get upset whenever girls look at me a certain way. You were jealous of my fuckin’ assistant for no reason! Think about that! How the fuck would you feel if I had a roommate who I used to fuck back in the day? Even worse…I lied about it, pretending she’s considered family then later you find out there was something between us. You wouldn’t like it for shit!”

  “Please…let me explain.” Nina begs not just with her words, but with her distressing eyes as well.

  “Start fuckin’ talking! The longer you stand in front of me, the more repulsed I am by you!” I refuse to get sucked into her manipulation.

  Her sadness turns into fury instantly. “Stop it! You’re being cruel! I don’t deserve this!”

  “No! You don’t get to play the poor me role. You lied to me. I’m the one who’s hurt. I don’t fuckin’ deserve this bullshit!”

  “Kade was the first guy I was with after I was raped by those three bastards! There! I said it!” Nina tries to remain cool as her unwanted tears flow freely from her eyes. “It happened a few years after that horrible incident, but it happened. Back then, I couldn’t tolerate the looks of other guys, but my curiosity and sexuality began to fight an inner battle within me. Kade was the only person besides my mom who I trusted. During those days, Kade and I used to experiment with drugs and alcohol. One day while I was drunk and high on ecstasy, I kissed him. He was surprised, but didn’t react. Since the first day I met Kade, he never crossed that line. I initiated it. Eventually, he caved. Since then, we would have sex from time to time usually when we were drunk or high. At the time, Kade used to get a lot of attention. I knew he didn’t want to hurt me, but I felt like I was holding him back from sexually experimenting with others. We both made a pack to just remain friends. As the years progressed, our friendship grew into a strong family bond. We’ve lived together for thirteen years because our friendship was more important than anything else. Kade made me feel worthy of love and helped me gain confidence in myself when I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.”

  Nina sighs. “I won’t lie to you, Josh. At one point, I did feel that I was in love with him, but that’s only because he’s the only man I had known. He constantly proved his loyalty to me. In time, I realized that what I felt for Kade wasn’t true love, it was respect and admiration. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kade, but I’ve never been in love with him like I am with you.”

  “Why the fuck would you lie to me? All those times we’ve had intimate conversations, you could have brought it up! You could have told me! But no! I had to find out on my own. What if I never would have read your journal? Would you have told me?”

  Nina remains quiet.

  “Answer me! You owe me the fuckin’ truth!” I yell.

  Nina continues to silently sob. “No, I wouldn’t have told you.”

  That last stab in my heart does me in. “Leave.” I command her.

  “Josh, please…listen.”

  “I’m done, Nina. I don’t want to see you again. I hope you have a great fuckin’ life.” I grab my bottle of Patrón and head to my room. After several more shots of tequila, numbness overpowers my pain and darkness finally finds its way to me.

  Chapter 12 (Nina)

  Kamikazes & Long Islands

  It’s been over three months since Josh ended our relationship. This time without him has left my soul empty. People say that time heals all wounds; I’m still waiting for the truth to come from those words. Every day I wake up with a pain in my heart that doesn’t fade. Every week I live my life in a numb state. I eat, but I don’t taste the flavor of my food. I breathe, yet I can’t recall a specific scent. I listen to music, but can’t make out the lyrics or the rhythm of the tunes. I sleep and live without dreams.

  What can’t I do? I can’t think, I can’t concentrate, and worst of all…I can’t forget. I want to forget more than anything all those hurtful things Josh said to me, I want to forget his touch, his lips, his warmth, his smell, I just want to forget him…all of him. I want him erased from my thoughts as if he never existed. Why hold on to someone who despises and thinks so poorly of me? How can I move on if his memory remains anchored in my heart?

  As time passes by, my bitterness towards Josh seems to grow. I didn’t want to explain a situation from my past that to me was private. I’ve never had to answer to anyone before. I didn’t feel it was a complete lie. I did omit a partial truth, but he saw it as a betrayal of our trust. It was a moment from my life that I simply wasn’t prepared to discuss. Now, I find myself lying by omission to my mom. She constantly asks the reason behind Josh and my breakup, I always shrug it off and state it was due to stupid shit. How can I tell her that it was because Josh found out Kade and I fucked? I can’t! Kade isn’t just some guy. In my mom’s eyes, Kade is her son just as much as I’m her daughter. The topic is simply too awkward and I want to avoid it all costs. I push those thoughts aside as I step inside my mom’s bakery and see Muscles wearing an apron and playing with a toy cash register. Once he sees me, he drops his toy and rushes to me with his arms wide open along with his biggest smile. My heart instantl
y melts.

  Muscles hasn’t been around us much. Once Josh and I broke up, my mom informed me that Josh hired a nanny to assist Celeste while she took care of Muscles. Since Celeste’s medical situation remains fragile, Josh didn’t want his mom straining herself. Two weeks prior, Marisol was finally released from rehab after being there for three months. I haven’t seen or spoken to her, but we text constantly. She’s been busy participating in her NA meetings, attending individual counseling, and working part-time at the daycare Muscles was recently enrolled in. Today, Marisol had a doctor’s appointment after work and asked my mom if she could look after Muscles for two hours. My mom instantly jumped at the opportunity and even invited her and Muscles over for dinner. Marisol was a bit apprehensive at first, but accepted her invitation.

  “Muscles! You’ve gotten so big, honey! I can’t believe how much you’ve grown and how handsome you’ve become!” Muscles shrugs his shoulders and grins simultaneously.

  Just then, Kade walks in. “Muscles! I’ve missed you, bud! Rumor has it that you’re staying over for dinner. Is that true?” Muscles nods his head enthusiastically.

  “Well, I guess I’ll be joining you!” He excitedly informs Muscles then yells to my mom who’s in the back refilling her baked goods. “Mama V! I’m staying over for dinner, okay?”

  “Okay! Sounds good!” She yells back.

  Apparently, we’re all joining mom for dinner even though we weren’t invited.

  “Count me in too, mom!” I laugh for the first time in weeks.

  “Awesome! Will do!”

  Within a few minutes later, we all leave the bakery shop. My mom allows one of her staff to reconcile the register and close the shop. As we walk to my mom’s house together, I notice our energy is revamped from merely having Muscles with us once again.

  When Marisol arrives to my mom’s house after her appointment, I’m completely taken back when I see her. What once was a shell of a woman completely hollow inside is now a woman who’s full of spirit with a positive energy radiating off her. She’s no longer just bones. She’s gained weight, her skin looks smooth, and her brown medium length hair now has bounce to it. Overall, she looks great, but most importantly she’s healthy.

  “Thank you so much, Victoria for watching over my son and inviting us to dinner. Here you go, I brought some fruit skewers with my own special blend of yogurt for dipping.” My mom immediately embraces Marisol.

  We greet each other then hang out in the living room as we wait for the food to come out of the oven. I notice Marisol is no longer wearing all black. “Marisol, you’re wearing red and white! Finally! Some color in your life! It looks great on you.”

  She smiles shyly at me. “Thanks, Nina. I’ve finally come to terms with my father’s death. He’ll always remain in my heart.”

  “Oh. I wasn’t aware your father had passed. When I mentioned it last time, all you said was that a family member had passed away. Well, regardless, I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you’re moving forward with your life. How did your father pass away, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “Actually, my father and I hadn’t seen each other in quite some time so when I heard about his death, it really hit me hard. We were close when I was younger, I was his little girl and he used to spoil me like crazy.”

  “Aww…so how did he pass away?”

  Marisol sighs sadly. “I’d rather not say. I still can’t comprehend his tragic story. I’m just not ready to elaborate on the series of events. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around everything.”

  “No worries, I completely understand. I apologize for my intrusive question. I tend to forget my filter sometimes.” I giggle at my own awkwardness.

  My mom changes the subject. “Marisol, I hope you allow Muscles to come over more often. We’ve missed him so much! I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to go weeks without seeing him.”

  “It was the most difficult time in my life, luckily my therapist made an exception and allowed me to see him weekly.”

  “When did you see him?” I ask.

  “On Friday mornings. Kade used to take him.”

  My mom and I both stare at Kade. He simply shrugs his shoulders and tries to play off his thoughtfulness.

  “My son’s visits definitely made my motivation to improve much stronger than the first few days I went without seeing him. I will always remember and be thankful to Kade for his kind gesture of bringing my son to me during a time I didn’t deserve to have him in my life.”

  Kade appears uncomfortable. “Okay, Marisol. You’ve thanked me enough. It truly wasn’t a big deal. Let’s just drop the topic once and for all.”

  The remainder of the evening is spent discussing much lighter subjects. When Marisol states she’s ready to go home and catch a cab, both Kade and I intervene and offer to take her and Muscles home. Reluctantly, she agrees. She insisted on returning to her house once her rehab program ended. Josh offered to let her stay with him until Daniel was captured, but she refused to let Daniel dictate her life any longer. Now, that Marisol has support from several aspects, she has the strength and confidence to overcome her meth addiction despite the inner battle she faces with herself daily. Luckily, Daniel has been nowhere in sight, hopefully things will remain that way.

  The following weekend, Michael stops by my house for lunch. We’ve been having a meal together at least twice a week since Josh and I broke up. The relationship between Michael and I has slowly turned into a friendship. He doesn’t know about my past or the reason Josh and I ended things, but I still feel comfortable being myself around him. Today, we have leftovers from last night’s dinner. While we’re eating, he mentions Josh for the first time in weeks. “Hey, I went to Josh’s office yesterday. That assistant of his is a piece of work. She acts like she runs the place. She has no boundaries; she was all over Josh when I got there.”

  The mention of Josh’s name instantly pierces a sharp pain through my chest. I try to play it off by stuffing my face with lunch. It takes all my effort to swallow my food past the lump in my throat from the refusal of wanting to shed unwanted tears. I don’t bother to ask Michael what he was doing at Josh’s office, it’s no longer any of my business.

  Kade walks in just then. “Are you guys talking about Jelly? Man, every time I see them together, she’s on the Tree Hugger like white on rice. She’s a fuckin’ leech on his ass. I’m not going to lie, I’m slightly jealous. I want a piece of her action! I just want to ram myself deep inside her conceited ass just to teach her a lesson about being a dick tease. I wanna fuck her so bad!”

  Michael looks at Kade with a loss of words, but regardless manages to speak. “Kade, why don’t you tell us how you really feel? Seriously, don’t hold back. I really think it’s time you stop being so shy and become more vocal about your desires.” Michael states sarcastically.

  “Look, Magic Mike…I no longer wonder if you’re magically delicious, you’re a bit too uptight for my taste, but given the right amount of alcohol, I may just reconsider giving you a ride on the K.D. train. The choice is yours.” He winks and smirks at Michael.

  Michael ignores him. Even he has learned to disregard Kade’s sexual advances.

  Two weeks later, Kade is absolutely fed up with my melancholy mood. “That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m sick of seeing you look so glum! It’s been over four months since you and the Tree Hugger broke up! Get the fuck over it! He’s not the only man on this planet. All you’ve been doing the past few months is work, go to a photo shoot from time to time, run, hang out with Alex on a rare occasion, then throw yourself on the couch like a big lug watching Scandal, New Girl, The Mindy Project, and reruns of Friends. Enough is enough! No more girly shows! Get your ass up, put on something tight, let your twins hang out, and throw on some lipstick because tonight…we’re going out!”

  “But…but I don’t want to. I’m comfortable here. This couple on TV is remodeling their kitchen on their own with hardly any experience. I need to see
how it turns out.”

  “What the fuck? You don’t NEED to watch anymore home renovation shows. They’re so fuckin’ boring! Our house is fine the way it is.” Kade stops and analyzes me for a minute. “You don’t watch those shows because they remind you of the Tree Hugger, right?”

  I don’t say anything. I simply bite down on my lip hoping he dismisses his ludicrous idea even though it’s completely the truth.

  “Fuckin’ shit! Now I’ve seen it all. This is worse than I thought. Who the fuck watches HGTV because it reminds them of their ex-man? My best fuckin’ friend, that’s who! Girl, you need help. I should’ve intervened much sooner. I can’t believe I didn’t realize the night we were watching porn together you were admiring the kitchen cabinets and granite instead of checking out the couple getting down and dirty. That’s just sad.”