All I Want

by J. Daniels

  He didn’t just love her. He lived for her. She was everything to him, and for nineteen years he was a better man. But when you love someone like that, when they become your only reason and they’re taken away from you, a part of you dies right along with them. And nothing can fill that void.

  Not the drink you gave up when you met her.

  Not the son you shared.

  Nothing.

  So, what Tessa and I had worked for me. I gave her what I could, and she gave me all of her and never held back. Maybe it wasn’t the perfect balance, but it was us. She was open and honest, most of the time. And I wanted to be that way with her. So when she asked me if I ever saw myself getting married and having a family someday, I was fucking honest.

  No. I didn’t.

  Shit, before I met Tessa, I had a different girl practically every night. It was fucking easy to get laid in this town, and not a lot of work ever went in to taking someone home. I could just sit back and let them come to me. But doing that for nine years had taken its toll. No one excited me, or my cock. No one until her.

  I had known Ben had a sister, but the thought of meeting her had never crossed my mind. We’d gone through the academy together and he mentioned her occasionally, but I’d never thought twice about her. Until I actually saw her. Then she became all I thought about.

  It was at one of our fundraising events at Todd Lakes. Ben didn’t tell me that his sister was coming, so when I’d seen him get out of his truck with the hottest chick I’d ever seen, I’d been jealous and really fucking pissed. My best friend had landed himself a girl that my dick wanted to be introduced to. And when they both came walking over to me, I’d wanted to get the hell out of there. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from looking at her, and how fucked up would that be?

  Even from a distance she was stunning. She was a tiny thing, coming up to Ben’s shoulders, with reddish hair and a tight little body that I could easily throw around a little, which I desperately wanted to do. She had these crazy green eyes that grew more intense the closer she got to me. And they’d been glued to mine, daring me to break the contact I’d been holding. I’d never been looked at like that. Like she knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop. Like she was getting off on my struggle. She’d fucking commanded attention, and I’d given it to her.

  And I’d been way the hell turned on.

  Then, by some fucking miracle, she’d turned out to be Ben’s sister. I’d almost lunged at her right then. I’d almost pulled her into my arms and crashed my mouth against hers, needing to taste the sweetness I knew was there, but also the bite, because she fucking had it. Instead, I’d held my hand out for her to take and she’d looked down at it, smirked, and walked away with a smile that had made my dick harden.

  That, right there, had pulled me in.

  She wasn’t like every other girl. She wasn’t going to let me sit back and wait for her to make that first move. She was going to make me work for it. And I’d never worked for it. I knew she’d fight me. Hell, I’d wanted a fucking challenge. I’d given Ben a look, a look I didn’t need to explain, and he’d laughed, and given me two words: “Good luck.” He’d known what I was going up against. I’d had no idea how difficult it was going to be. But fuck, I’d never wanted anything more than her.

  Tessa Kelly. If I’d have known the shit she was going to put me through, I wouldn’t have bothered. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

  She’d ended it. She’d been dishonest with me. She’d fucked up everything we had. And now I was on my way to a co-ed baby shower where I wouldn’t be able to avoid her. Where I knew for a fact that I’d once again be caught up in her and nothing else.

  Who the fuck throws a co-ed baby shower? Isn’t that usually just for chicks?

  I pull up to Ben’s parents’ house and park around back. I try to ignore the throbbing anxiety that is coursing through me as I get out of my truck and walk toward the pool. There are balloons everywhere, all blue and green, and Nolan is running around like a mad man with his sword slicing the air.

  “Uncle Wuke!” He wraps his arms around my legs and squeezes me with all his might. “Look at all dees balloons!”

  I reach down and rustle his hair after he lets me out of his death grip. “You should try to pop them with your sword.”

  He smiles wide and runs over to a bunch of them that are tied to the food table, and then he begins to stab at them with great enthusiasm.

  I love that kid.

  I nod a greeting at Ben’s dad, who is standing with a few other men next to a table of food, before my eyes begin scanning the crowd.

  I find Tessa immediately, like I’m fucking drawn to her or something, and I allow myself a glance. And that glance turns into a stare. Her back is to me as she arranges the presents on a table near the lawn chairs. I look down at the gift bag I’m carrying, full of shit that I randomly picked off Mia’s baby registry. And before I realize the direction I’m headed, or the fact that I haven’t stopped walking, I’m by Tessa’s side at the table.

  I take note of her organization, which makes absolutely no sense to me, and I’m suddenly annoyed.

  “You should put the taller gifts in the back. That way they don’t obstruct the view of the smaller gifts.”

  She turns to me with wide eyes, sucks in a sharp breath, and then tenses all over as a scowl settles on her lips. I know she’s about to hit me with some smartass remark, but my dick is too busy appreciating the sight of her to prepare myself for it.

  Those eyes that could will me to do just about anything. Her full, wet mouth and the way I know it looks formed around my cock. And that fucking body that is barely covered up in a bikini top and shorts.

  A pool party baby shower? Thanks a lot for intensifying my struggles, Ben.

  She leans in, narrowing her eyes and causing me to snap out of my fanatical gazing. I blink rapidly before she speaks.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized the gift police were here.” She reaches out and snatches the bag out of my hand. “I’ll arrange the gifts how I want to arrange them. The bigger gifts will be easier for Mia to reach in her chair, and I’ll hand her everything else.” She motions with her free hand toward the decorated patio chair that is reserved for Mia. Dropping my gift onto the table, she continues moving the packages around. “Why the hell am I explaining myself to you? Go away.”

  “Do you always have to be such a bitch? I’m just offering my opinion.” And I’d prefer it if you didn’t make my dick hard right now.

  She puts her hand on her hip and tilts her head, her lips curling into a forced smile. “What can I say, Luke? You bring out the inner bitch in me. It must be the giant ass-hat ego you have that sets me off.”

  Just as I’m about to respond, the sliding glass door opens and Mia walks out with Ben following closely behind her. They both register the irritation on my and Tessa’s faces, and come walking over to us.

  Mia wraps her arms around me, barely making it with her huge pregnant belly getting in the way. “Hey. I’m so glad you could make it.” She lets go and Ben slaps me on the shoulder after I release his wife.

  “Yeah, of course. Wouldn’t miss it.”

  Tessa snorts and puts her back to the table, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Hey, buddy. Don’t poke at the balloons like that. You’re going to pop them,” Ben directs across the pool at Nolan. I turn my head and keep my smile hidden.

  “Oh, he’s okay, babe. I got all of them for him anyway,”

  Ben turns and leans down so that his forehead is resting against Mia’s. “Have I told you how beautiful you are today? Or how fucking perfect you are?”

  Tessa throws her head back with an exhaustive sigh just as Mia tilts her head up to kiss Ben.

  Tessa clears her throat. “Mia, did I mention I have a date with an insanely hot guy next weekend? The one I had that ah-mazing texting session with?”

  Fuck. Is she really going to try and make me jealous right now? Why the hel
l didn’t I bring some random girl to this shit?

  Mia looks from Ben back to Tessa, her brows pinched together. “Um, yeah. We just talked about it, like twenty minutes ago.” Tessa exaggerates her stare and Mia’s mouth spreads into a knowing smile. “Oh, umm, no. You didn’t. Tell us all about it.”

  Tessa grins and glances briefly over at me to make sure I’m listening. And I am, unfortunately. I want to walk away from this but I can’t.

  “Well, his name is Tyler, and he’s a gorgeous bartender from White Hall. I figured I’d bring him to the bonfire on Saturday night and then—” Her eyes flick toward mine and she holds my stare, “—who knows? He might just get lucky.”

  My hands curl into fists at my side. I wasn’t planning on going to the bonfire next weekend, but I’m fucking going now.

  Ben laughs and turns to me. “You want a beer?”

  I relax, grabbing my gift bag and putting it near the back of the table, where it fucking belongs. Tessa scowls before rearranging it.

  I nod toward Ben. “Yeah, sure. I’ll tell you all about the girl I fucked last night.” I watch as an obvious distaste for what I’ve just made up spreads across Tessa’s face before I turn away from her and follow Ben inside the house.

  “Jesus, man. After a year, I thought the hostility between you two would’ve died down a little,” Ben says over his shoulder. He walks into the kitchen where Mrs. Kelly is chopping up vegetables with Reed. I can’t help but laugh.

  “Where’s your apron, Reed?” I ask.

  He looks up at me, pausing with a knife in his hand. “Shut up.”

  “How are you, Luke?” Mrs. Kelly greets me with a smile.

  “I’m here,” I reply, a bit colder than I mean. I soften the sting of my response with a shrug, and she nods.

  Tessa resembles her mother, but only in appearance. The friendly demeanor Mrs. Kelly always has skipped right over her daughter.

  She rounds the counter with a tray of food in her hand and kisses me on the cheek. “It’s good to see you. Why don’t you boys help Reed with those vegetables?”

  Ben hands me a beer as I take in a noticeably annoyed-looking Reed. “Oh, I don’t know. He seems to be handling the kitchen duties better than we could,” I answer, smiling when Reed flips me off.

  “Yeah, Mom. I think he’s got it under control. Look at the cute little arrangement he’s making,” Ben adds with a grin.

  Once Mrs. Kelly walks outside, Reed places the knife down and throws the chopped up peppers onto a tray. “You’re both assholes. If Tessa wouldn’t cut my balls off, I’d bail on this shit.” He looks up at Ben. “Once again, really happy for you, but the next time you have an estrogen party, leave me out of it.”

  Ben laughs behind his beer, leaning on his elbow against the counter. “So, who was this chick last night?” he directs at me.

  Chick? What chick? It takes me a minute to realize why he’s asking me that question. I’d completely forgotten about the lie I had dropped a few minutes ago. I look out the sliding glass door, narrowing in on Tessa right away as she continues working on her bullshit gift arrangement. “No chick. I just had to say something to shut your sister up.”

  Reed laughs. “She tell you about this guy she met online?”

  I whip my head around, glaring at him. “Online? She’s going out with some creep she met online? What the fuck is wrong with her?”

  Ben frowns. “What’s the problem?”

  I take a massive chug of my beer, needing the alcohol to calm my nerves that are now on edge. I look between Ben and Reed, settling on Ben who, for some strange reason, doesn’t mind his sister picking up men on the Internet. “What’s the problem? This guy could be a psycho. She’s not seriously going out with him, is she?”

  Ben shrugs. “I don’t know. Ask Mia. Or Tessa, if you’re that concerned.”

  “Well, what the fuck? Why the hell aren’t you concerned? She’s your sister.” I look over at Reed. “Or you? Aren’t you two best friends?”

  “Hey, I told her to make sure she meets him somewhere public, and she is. I’ll be at the bonfire to eye up this guy,” Reed states as he picks up his knife and cuts into a cucumber. “People meet online all the time. It’s not that big of a deal.”

  The sliding glass door opens and gains my attention. Nolan walks through and tugs at his T-shirt, trying to pull it over his head. “Daddy, can I go swinnin’ now?”

  “I’ll take you, Nolan,” I say, leaving my half empty beer can on the counter. “I need to go outside anyway.”

  “She’s going to flip out on you if you say something to her,” Reed warns me.

  I help Nolan with his T-shirt and pull off my own, throwing them both onto the couch. “Let her flip out. She’s crazy if she thinks I’m going to let her go out with some punk she met in some chat room.” I grab Nolan’s hand and lead him back the way he came.

  “Why can’t you two just do your own thing and not worry about what the other person is doing. Or who they’re doing?” Ben asks.

  I ignore his question and slide the door open. Why do I worry? I don’t know. But after a fucking year of trying not to care what Tessa does, I’ve given up on fighting it.

  It’s a losing battle.

  “The girl I fucked last night. What a dipshit.”

  “What?” Mia asks, returning to my side after grabbing a plate of food. She snaps into a carrot as I continue to busy myself with the gift arrangement. Not that it needs it. I just need to keep my hands active right now because if I don’t, I might punch someone.

  Luke, to be specific.

  She nudges me. “He probably only said that to piss you off. How did you think he was going to react to you insinuating in front of him that you’re going to have sex with some guy next weekend? With a high-five and a ‘go get ’em’?”

  I open my mouth to answer her when the sliding glass door opens, and then every single word out of my vocabulary is stolen from me at the sight of who walks through it.

  Shirtless.

  Tanned.

  Tattooed.

  FUCK.

  “Nolan, hold up a second,” Luke says before walking directly toward me. I grab a gift and quickly hold it in front of me, needing a barrier in between that body and me. He stops a few inches away, glancing down briefly at the gift. “You’re meeting up with some guy you met online? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Nolan, wait for Uncle Luke,” Mia says behind him.

  Luke whips around, grabbing Nolan who is inches away from the edge of the pool, and hauls him up on his shoulder. He returns to his spot in front of me, leaning closer with expectant eyes.

  As if I actually owe him an answer.

  As if he hasn’t done worse.

  I place the gift back onto the table, no longer needing a barrier. His mouth just wiped out every tempting thought that was circling in my head and I’d actually like the use of my hands right now. Or a finger.

  I straighten, glaring up at him. “Spare me the holier-than-thou attitude you have going on right now, Luke. I don’t really see the difference between hooking up with some guy I meet online, and grabbing the nearest willing slut at a wedding.”

  He steps closer. “What I’ve done is not your concern.”

  “And who I do is not yours. Last time I checked, we aren’t together. In fact, I don’t think we ever were.” I see the reaction to what I’ve just said spread across his face. Shock and then bitterness.

  He masks it quickly with a steely look, shifting Nolan’s squirming body in his arms. “You’re right,” he says, leaning down so his face is inches from mine. I swiftly glance at the day-old stubble along his jaw I used to run my finger across before he continues. “We weren’t. Do whatever you want, Tessa. See if I give a shit.”

  You wouldn’t. Because giving a shit would require actually caring about someone.

  He turns, walking to the side of the pool with the stairs. Nolan slides down his front and they both descend into the water, Luke holding on to him even th
ough my nephew is a good swimmer.

  I know Luke cares for Nolan, but seeing him act like a damn parent bothers me. Every time I saw him with Nolan last summer, he acted the same way. Loving. Protective. But back then when I was around it, it sparked a whole new set of feelings inside me. Feelings I’ve never felt for a guy. It gave me this delusional family image in my head. One starring a man who I now know wants nothing to do with that fantasy. So, when I see him playing with Nolan in the pool, smiling and laughing as if he’s actually enjoying himself, it infuriates me. Because it’s just another one of his lies.

  The door opens and Reed comes out carrying a tray of food, Ben walking out behind him. I walk over to them, wanting to talk to Reed, when my brother grabs my elbow and pulls me to the side.

  “Ow. What?” I ask, jerking my arm out of his grip.

  He gives me his typical sibling look, one that’s full of concern and judgment. “What’s the last name of this guy you’re talking to online?”

  Oh, hell no. First Luke and now Officer Kelly? I’m done with the interrogation.

  “Why? So you can look him up in your database?”

  “That’s exactly why.”

  There’s one thing I know for sure about my brother. He’s relentless. If I don’t give him a last name, he’ll just keep bugging me for it, or he might even go so far as to hack into my online profile and get it himself. I wouldn’t put that past him. But this is nobody’s business but my own. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. And even though I’ve only chatted with Tyler briefly, and sexually, he seems like a decent guy. I’ve seen some of the profiles on Ignite that scream sociopath, and his isn’t one of them.