All I Want

by J. Daniels

  Arms wrap around my waist from behind, and her head presses against my back as she flattens herself against me. “How old were you?” she asks in a gentle voice.

  “Fifteen.”

  “Is that why you became a cop? Because of what happened to her?”

  I stare down at her fingers as they grab the bottom of my shirt, curling around the material. “Yeah, I guess.”

  She breathes against me, in then out. “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine losing somebody like that. Were you really close with her?”

  The second I feel her finger run along the skin of my stomach, I pull my hands out of my pockets and grab her wrists, gripping them with a warning. “Don’t do that.”

  “Don’t do what?” she asks, but doesn’t resist my hold on her.

  I take in two calming breaths while my reaction to her stirs wildly in my blood. “You know what. Don’t play with me, Tessa. I’m not here for that.”

  “I’m not playing with you. I was just…” She sighs loudly before something thuds against my back. “I was just trying to comfort you. I wasn’t going to go any lower.”

  I turn around, breaking her hold on me, and stare down into her eyes. She looks pained by my rejection, also slightly embarrassed, and I tilt her chin up with my finger when she tries to avoid me. “You don’t need to comfort me. I just want to be near you.”

  “But your mom. That’s so sad, Luke. I don’t know how you do it. I just…” Her bottom lip begins to tremble seconds before she crashes against me, wrapping me into the strongest hug of my life. My back hits the hard edge of the counter and I wince through a groan. “Please let me just do this for a little while. I won’t go under your clothes. I promise.” She sniffs and wipes her face against my shirt. “I love that you got her name tattooed on you. I bet she would love it too.”

  I press my mouth to her hair as the ache in my back numbs out. “I doubt it. She hated my dad’s tattoos.”

  “But yours is different, and the fact that you only eat cookies the way she ate them… Can we go lay down in my bed?”

  Fuck no. Is she crazy?

  “No.”

  She tilts her head up, blinking the tears away. “Just to do this. I promise. I won’t do anything besides what I’m doing now. No more touching than this.”

  I set my jaw as I try and come up with at least one reason why this is a bad idea. But every reason, good or bad, escapes me when her full lips mouth a desperate please.

  I tilt my head down, staring at the front of the T-shirt she’s wearing. “With clothes on. I know what you normally wear in that bed, and I can’t handle that right now. Okay?”

  She steps back, letting her hands fall away from me. “Okay,” she echoes before moving in the direction of the bedroom. Halfway down the hallway, she glances back to make sure I’m following her.

  Where the fuck else would I be going?

  I wait for the moment to hit me, the sudden clarity that should move my ass away from anything that’ll put Tessa in a horizontal position, but it never comes.

  She shoves something into the drawer of her nightstand as I enter the room before tugging at the blue tie in her hair. With her free hand, she motions toward the bed.

  I stand there, wondering what the fuck I’m about to do right now. Tessa has always thought what we had was based solely on sex. It never was, not for me, and I’ve spelled that out for her already, but I know how she is when we’re in bed together. There’s never any space between us. Having her touch me in any way makes me crave her, and I’m trying to prove what I texted her earlier wasn’t just some bullshit to get her away from that guy she was with.

  She stares at me as her hair falls past her shoulders, waiting.

  This is where I need to leave the room, or say I don’t think this is a good idea, or even suggest the fucking couch instead of her bed.

  “Please,” she says, taking a step closer. “I’m tired, and I just want to talk, and maybe fall asleep with you. That’s it.”

  I look at the bed, then back at her. “I meant what I texted you earlier. I meant every fucking word of it.”

  She tucks her hair behind her ear, looking up at me from underneath her lashes, and I catch the slight tremble in her hand before she drops it to her side. “Okay,” she replies in the softest voice I’ve ever heard her use.

  I settle on my back in the center of the bed, tucking my hand underneath my pillow to boost myself up.

  “Were you really close with her?” she asks as she climbs onto the bed, resting her head on my chest. Her arm wraps around me, then her leg, until I’m completely blanketed by her tiny body.

  We don’t need to talk. The only thing I need from her right now is this. She has no idea what this does to me, what this has always done to me.

  I look down the length of my body, staring at the top of her head. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I can’t imagine going through that. Losing a parent in any way is so unbelievably sad. It was devastating to Mia, but she at least knew her mom was sick, and there was always that chance something could happen to her. But with you…” She squeezes me harder. “How did you handle it?”

  I look up at the ceiling, concentrating on the steady rhythm of her heartbeat against my side. It’s crazy how much that soothes me. The feel of her, breathing, living—having her right here like this.

  She sniffs, and I know she’s crying again as she nuzzles closer. “Luke?”

  I remember her question, shifting my body underneath hers a bit so her leg stops brushing against my cock. “I don’t know. I was forced to handle it, so I did. What else was I gonna do?”

  “I don’t know what I would’ve done. And your dad, oh God, was he devastated?” Her head tilts up and she rests her chin on my chest. “He must’ve been heartbroken.”

  “I don’t want to talk about him,” I reply, watching her eyes dilate behind the tears in them. “And don’t call him my dad. He stopped being that a long time ago.”

  “What happened between you two?”

  “Tessa, what the fuck?” I practically shout, startling her. Her hold on me tightens as she sucks in a breath, and I can tell she’s regretting pushing this shit. Her mouth falls open, the tears still spilling down her face. I slide out from underneath her and sit on the edge of the bed, resting my elbows on my knees and dropping my head. I’m no longer calm. I’m fucking tense, anxious like I was sitting outside her door.

  The bed dips behind me, but I don’t turn around to look at her.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispers, brushing her body against my back.

  I cup my hands together and rest my chin against them, staring blankly at the wall. “I don’t talk about shit I don’t give a damn about anymore. Yeah, he was heartbroken and devastated, but while he turned to getting piss-drunk every day, I was left with nobody. I had to deal with that and the shit he put me through alone, and I will always deal with it by myself. It’s my fucking burden, no one else’s.”

  She sniffs again, louder this time, as her hands flatten against my chest from behind. “I just… I want to be there for you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. Whatever it is, we can handle it together.”

  “Why can’t what I’ve given you be enough?” I ask. I look over my shoulder, connecting with her tear-filled eyes. I’m beginning to feel as shattered as she looks right now, because I know she’ll never be content with just this. But that doesn’t stop me from telling her I will.

  “Just being with you has always been enough for me,” I say, turning my body until she’s next to my side. I hold her face with both my hands, sliding my thumbs along her skin. “I don’t know what it is about you, Tessa, but you make all that bad shit go away.”

  She starts full-on crying now, and I pull her into my lap, really holding her for the first time in days.

  “I don’t want to let go of you,” she whispers against my neck, pressing kisses there.

  I close my eyes, dropping my head to her shoulder. I savor the breath I take in, the sc
ent of her, as if it’s my last. My lips touch her neck, then her ear. “Do you want your tea?”

  She laughs softly, leaning back to look at me. Her hand touches my cheek, then a finger traces the line of my jaw. She always used to do that. “I forgot about it. Will you get it for me?” she asks through a yawn as I wipe the tears from her face.

  I watch her settle under the covers before I walk out of the bedroom. I need to take a piss first, and as I’m finishing up in the bathroom, I hear the faint echo of Tessa’s ringtone, sounding from the direction of the kitchen. It starts up again just before I reach the counter where her mug was placed. I walk over to her purse and pull out the cell phone, my face hardening at the name flashing on the screen.

  “Yeah,” I answer, more as a demand than a question, because I’m really not fucking interested in what this guy wants right now.

  “Uh, this is Tessa’s phone, correct?”

  “Yeah, it is, and she’s busy.”

  I hear a faint laugh. “Right, mate, sorry. Luke, is it?” He pauses, and my silence is the only response he’s going to get. I roll my shoulders back, trying to loosen up as I wait for him to hurry the fuck up with this so I can give Tessa her tea.

  “I’ll take that as a yes. Listen, I was just calling to see if she was okay. She was pretty upset when I dropped her off.”

  “She’s fine,” I grunt out, trying to keep my voice low as I lean against the table.

  “Yeah? That’s good. I’ve seen some pretty sad women before. My sisters like to dump their man problems on me ’cause I’m a good listener, but I don’t think I’ve seen any of them cry like Tessa did. She was pretty heartbroken, mate.”

  I know what that looks like. I know too damn well, and just picturing it kills me. If it were any other guy making her upset, I’d find out who it was and beat the shit out of them.

  But it’s me. She’ll never stop crying over me.

  “Do you like her?” I ask, hearing the fear in my voice as my free hand wraps around the edge of the table.

  “Uh… yeah, mate. Sure, I like her, but—”

  “She’ll love you, and it’ll be the best damn thing you’ve ever felt. Nobody loves the way Tessa does, and she deserves somebody to give her that.” I swallow hard, closing my eyes. “Are you sticking around here?”

  “Yeah, for a while, at least. I like it here.”

  “Good.” I hang up the phone and push it back into her purse.

  After re-heating the tea in the microwave, I carry it into her bedroom and set it on the nightstand.

  “It’s really hot, so be careful,” I say as I take a seat on the edge of the bed.

  I stare at the wall, letting my eyes lose focus.

  I know what I have to do.

  “You changed my life the second I saw you getting out of Ben’s truck. It was fucking crazy. I’ve never felt like I needed somebody before, but I needed you, and I knew it. Then I had you, and… I’ll never need anybody again. I know that. I hate keeping you out, but you’re so good, Tessa, and I don’t want you affected by this shit. It’s dirty, and ugly, and everything you’re not, and what I’m about to do is going to fucking kill me, but this is what I can give you.”

  My heart thunders in my chest, trying to break its way out before I destroy it.

  “That guy can be good for you. He seems decent, and he’ll give you things I can’t.” I drop my head, keeping the shaky breath I take in quiet. “You’ll always be mine, Tessa. In a couple years after you’ve forgotten about me, you’ll still be mine. You’re going to hate me for doing this, but I need you to be happy, and I think this guy can help with that.”

  I wipe my hands down my face, drying the wetness there before turning sideways to look at her. She’s in a deep sleep, her heavy, even breathing escaping the small opening between her lips.

  I lay my hand on hers, memorizing the feel of her skin. “I love you. Those words are yours. I’ll never say them to anyone else.”

  I bend down, pressing my lips to hers. A gentle kiss that she’ll never know about.

  The last one I’ll ever have.

  I pull my phone out of my pocket as I walk to my truck. The call connects after three rings.

  “Yeah? Hello?” a gruff voice answers.

  “Captain Kennedy, this is Luke Evans. I’m sorry to be calling this late, Sir.”

  “Luke. That’s all right. Hadn’t meant to fall asleep. I’m hoping you’re about to give me some good news.”

  I open the door of my truck, looking over my shoulder one last time at the apartment building. “Yes, Sir. I’d like to accept the position.”

  ***

  I knock on the door, trying to be as quiet as I can in case the kid’s asleep. My efforts to be discreet either failed or wouldn’t have mattered as the door opens and Nolan pops his head around the side.

  He focuses on me through heavy eyelids, then the excitement pours out of him as he shoves the door open all the way, stabbing it with his sword.

  “Uncle Wuke! Check this out!” He produces a small airplane from the pocket of his dragon-covered pajamas and soars it above his head. “I got to climb on one of these with Daddy. It was so cool, Uncle Wuke! Mommy didn’t want me to because she said I could get hurwt, but…” He looks behind him back into the house, then steps closer to me. “But Daddy let me do it, and I didn’t get hurwt. Don’t tell Mommy, okay?” he whispers, bringing me down to his level. His eyebrows pinch together as he studies the airplane in his hand. “My dwagon keeps trying to eat this.”

  I muffle my laugh, reaching up and rubbing a hand over his wild hair. “Listen, Nolan, I’m not going to be around too much anymore. But you’re going to be a really awesome big brother, you know that?”

  He drops his hand down to his side, plane in one hand and sword in the other, as his big gray eyes study me. “Arwe you going to fight bad guys?”

  I nod. “Yeah. I’m going to go fight bad guys. But I need you to do me a favor, okay? Can you do something for me?”

  He bobs his head up and down, eagerly.

  “Your Aunt Tessa might be a little sad when I’m gone. Do you think you could give her a lot of hugs for me?”

  Nolan’s mouth turns up into a crooked grin. “I wike hugging Aunt Tessa. She smells like stawberries.” He puts his hand up to the side of his mouth and leans close to my ear. “And she lets me have cookies when Mommy says I can’t have any.”

  “Nolan, what…” Mia enters the doorway, dropping the frown on her face when she sees the two of us. “Oh, hey, Luke.”

  “Hey,” I say through my laugh.

  She puts her hand on her hip and looks down at Nolan. “What did your daddy and I tell you about answering the door without us?”

  Nolan turns around to face her, and I straighten up. “But it was Uncle Wuke.”

  “Did you know it was Uncle Luke before you opened the door?”

  He shakes his head, then drops it with a sigh. “No.”

  She waves him toward her. “Come on. You should already be asleep by now. It’s way past your bedtime.”

  Nolan steps into the house, but turns around before he gets too far. He wraps a hand around Mia’s leg and looks up at me. “Uncle Wuke, do you want my dwagon? He could help you with the bad guys.”

  I force a smile through the pain I’m feeling, noticing the peculiar look on Mia’s face before shaking my head. “No, that’s okay, buddy.”

  He raises the hand holding the airplane and rubs his knuckle against his eye. “But he keeps eating my airwplane.”

  Mia places her hand on his shoulder, gently directing him in the direction she wants him to go while I drop my head, laughing under my breath.

  “Sorry,” she says, smiling as I look up at her. She steps aside and holds the door open. “Are you going to come in?”

  “No, I just wanted to talk to Ben real quick. Can you send him out?”

  She pinches her lips together, but gives me a tentative nod. “Yeah. He was just getting out of the shower. Let me grab him
.”

  I don’t say goodbye to Mia, because I don’t want her getting too worked up right now. Ben says she’s extra sensitive about stuff with the pregnancy, and the last thing I want is to upset her.

  I lean against the side of my truck, sticking my hands into my pockets and staring at the dirt. Ben walks out and gives me a nod as he pulls his T-shirt on.

  “What’s up? Why do you have Max with you?” He walks up to the truck and pets Max’s head as it sticks out the window. He tilts his head, peering into the backseat. “All your shit’s in there. What the fuck, man?”

  “I accepted that job,” I tell him, stepping back as he lets his hand fall to his side. I see the emotion wash over him like a wave, the kind that takes you under and lets you know just how fucking powerful it is.

  “You what?” he asks sternly.

  “I’m leaving tonight. Right now, actually. Captain Kennedy is letting me stay at his guest house until I can get something set up there.”

  Hands fist my T-shirt, and before I know it, I’m being shoved up against my truck. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you tell her? Does she know?” he yells, and I let him. I don’t fight him off in any way.

  “I’m doing this for her. I don’t want to leave her, you fucking know I don’t, but I can’t keep hurting her like this. She’ll understand eventually.”

  He leans in close, gripping my shirt hard enough I think he’s about to shred it. I watch his nostrils flare with rage, and the whites of his eyes glaze over. After several breaths, he backs off with a final shove. He points at my face. “She’ll never understand this. You’re making a huge fucking mistake, and I think you know that. You’re just scared. You think all this stuff with your dad is going to push her away. That’s why you keep her out, and it’s bullshit. Tessa can handle anything.”