All I Want

by J. Daniels

  My control breaks, snapping completely in two. “No, you didn’t!” I stop in the middle of the hallway as Luke stumbles to a halt, eyes wide and wild, on me. We’re only a foot apart, and I quickly close the gap, stealing his personal space out from under him. I get as close to his face as my tiptoes allow me, and I don’t hold anything back.

  “Don’t you dare act like you didn’t have a choice! You left me because you wanted to! You chose this, and you were a fucking coward about it because you didn’t even tell me goodbye. You knew… you knew I wouldn’t let you leave. You should’ve stayed and fought for us, Luke! I will always fight for us.”

  He leans down, scowling, giving me his own neglected anger. “You broke up with me, remember? Who was fighting for us then?”

  “I did that because you didn’t want a family with me. I wanted that!”

  “I will always want anything that gives me you!”

  I suck in a breath so fast I start to feel light-headed. Blinking into focus, I read him for any signs of dishonesty, but Luke isn’t avoiding my scrutiny with little-to-no eye contact. He’s giving me just the opposite.

  “I fucked up, okay?” he says, bringing his voice down so that it’s just us in this conversation, and not everyone in the state of Alabama. “You think leaving you didn’t kill me? Because it did.” He jabs a finger at his chest. “I’m a dead man, Tessa. There’s nothing in here anymore. This part of me died when I left. But I did it because I was trying to protect you.”

  My eyes well up with tears, but I don’t blink. I won’t give him that.

  I take a step back, and he moves with me until I hold my hand up. “I never asked you to protect me, Luke. I asked you to love me.” I let my hand fall. “That’s it. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you, and you left me because you couldn’t do that.”

  He moves in front of me when I try and continue down the hallway. “Wait.”

  “Did you even listen to any of my messages? I called you, every day, sometimes more, just to hear that stupid voicemail recording.”

  He blinks, then swallows. “I listened to one, last night. I think six times, or something. The one where you just wanted to pretend we were together.”

  “That’s it? That’s the only one you listened to?”

  His eyes widen at my question, glazing over with guilt. “Yeah.”

  “Give me your phone.” I move into him and hold out my hand, palm up. He hesitates, but only briefly, and produces it from the side pocket of his shorts. I take it from him and dial his voicemail, entering the code, and ignoring the look he gives me because I know it.

  He’s so close to me I can smell the shampoo he uses, the faint hint of his cologne. He’s freshly showered and I probably look like death run over.

  Fucking awesome.

  I hit the speaker-phone button, and begin sliding my thumb along the bar to get to the end of a message. I know what I want him to hear. The only important thing I ever said on these messages.

  “I love you today. I wish you were here to ask me.”

  His eyes shift from my face to my hand, back to my face. Blinking, as if he can’t believe that phone, the very one he’s had with him all this time, had those words hidden inside it. I go to another message, and another, letting him hear seventeen versions of that sentence.

  “Tessa,” his whispers, reaching up and pulling me into an embrace. One hand grips the back of my neck while the other secures around my waist.

  I don’t fight it. I don’t want to. There will never be a part of me that doesn’t need him, vital and desperate like this.

  He drops his forehead to mine. “Tessa,” he repeats, even softer, as his eyes close.

  “Ask me.”

  I see the slight shake of his head. The hesitation.

  His eyes flash open when I lay my hand on his cheek. “Ask me. Please, ask me.”

  He waits, shifting his hand on the back of my neck to get a better hold. As if I’ll run, and the thought terrifies him.

  “Do you love me today?”

  I nod, sending the tears down my face. My yes blows across his lips as he slides his mouth along mine. It’s unexpected, and perfect, and I’m done. I’m so done for with that kiss. He moves from one corner of my mouth to another. Pressing, pressing harder, until I’m being pushed up against the wall. His hands hold my face, guiding me with a tilt so he can kiss along my jaw, my cheek to my ear, where he whispers, “Ask me.”

  I don’t breathe as my eyes open to meet his. He smirks. The asshole actually smirks, and it’s beautiful.

  “Not here,” I say, and he looks wounded until I run my hands around his neck, pulling him back against me. His lips tease mine, then his tongue, and I know he’s doing it to get what he wants right now.

  “God, I fucking missed you,” he softly presses against my mouth. “Missed this so much.”

  “Hey, if you two want to see Chase, knock that shit off and get in here.”

  We both turn our heads, locking onto a very amused looking Ben. Luke grabs my hand and pulls me off the wall, moving us in the direction we need to be going.

  Ben raises an eyebrow as he looks between the two of us. “Are we happy now?”

  “Yes,” I answer, blending with Luke’s teasing, “Fuck off.”

  We follow behind Ben as he walks into one of the birthing suites. My dad and mom are standing beside the bed, looking down at Mia and the tiny baby in her arms. Nolan is sitting next to her, perched on his knees and leaning to get closer.

  Mia looks up at the sound of our entrance, glances between Luke and I, and smiles. “Hey, you made it.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it,” Luke replies, walking with me to the side of the bed. Ben walks to the other side and sits on the edge behind Nolan.

  My hand curls around the bedrail as we both look down at Chase.

  “He’s really small. Is that normal?” Luke asks, concern softening his voice.

  “He’s perfect. I was only six pounds when I was born, but he’s a healthy seven,” Mia replies, shifting Chase so he’s now on her chest. “Do you want to hold him?”

  I’m expecting Luke to decline. Most guys aren’t into holding babies unless it’s their own.

  “Yeah, I would,” he says, extending his arms and leaning over the bed to allow Mia an easy transfer.

  “Just make sure you support his head. Like this.” She adjusts Luke’s elbow, tucking it closer to his body. “There you go.”

  He straightens up slowly, releasing his breath on a soft exhale. His lips tease into a smile and he drops his chin, running his nose along the top of Chase’s head.

  Goodbye, ovaries.

  “Dude, did you just sniff my kid?” Ben asks.

  Everyone in the room laughs, while Luke shrugs unapologetically. “He smells good. Better than you.”

  A hand touches mine, and I drag my gaze off Luke to look down at Mia.

  You okay? she mouths.

  I let my smile answer for me, and she rests her head back, her eyes misting over.

  A knock on the door alerts everyone of company, seconds before Reed and Mason step into the room, quietly arguing about something.

  Reed tosses up a mini football into the air and catches it again, looking behind his shoulder at Mason. “Whatever, man. She was clearly looking at me. If you had opened your mouth, and said something in that accent of yours, I’d give it to you.”

  Mason lowers the giant gift basket he’s holding to see in front of him. “You wouldn’t even know what to do with a woman like that.”

  “Oh, I’d know exactly what to do with her,” Reed counters.

  “Did you two idiots forget you walked into a room?” Ben asks, standing from the bed.

  Reed doesn’t seem fazed by that, but Mason tenses.

  “Sorry, mate.” He hands over the gift basket to Ben, slapping a hand on his back. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. Good God. What all is in here?” Ben holds the basket up and begins examining the contents through the cellophane.


  “Candy!” Nolan yells, scrambling off the bed. “Can I have a pop, Daddy?” He jumps up and down, trying to poke the bottom of the basket with his finger.

  “Here, Nolan. Look what I brought you.” Reed bends down, reaches into his back pocket, and produces a small airplane. “It’s a fighter jet. My granddad used to fly these.”

  Nolan snatches it out of Reed’s hands. “Cool! Daddy, look! Look what Uncle Weed bwought me!”

  “Uncle Weed is awesome,” Ben teases. “He should be legalized.”

  “Benjamin,” my mother scolds with a glare. “You’re in law enforcement, for Christ’s sake.”

  “How did you guys get back here past Nurse Ratchet?” Mia asks through a yawn. She drops her head back on the pillow, looking half ready to pass out. “I thought only family was allowed in here this late.”

  “I sweet-talked her. Didn’t take much,” Reed says, shooting her his familiar flirty smile. He points to his face. “This will get me in anywhere.”

  I suddenly realize Luke’s attention is fixated on Mason, and Mason only. I remember Mason telling me what Luke had said to him on the phone the night before he left. How he was basically giving Mason permission to be with me, to let me love him instead of Luke, and the tension wrinkling his brow begins to make sense.

  I give Luke’s arm a gentle squeeze, gaining his attention. “We’re just friends,” I say for only him to hear.

  “Hey, good to see ya, mate,” Mason greets Luke with a friendly smile.

  Luke’s shoulders drop, and he shifts Chase against his chest so he can shake Mason’s hand. “You too,” he replies, sincerity in his voice.

  Chase gets passed around the room, spending a little more time in my hands than anyone else’s. He is small, but so was Nolan, and I doubt a guy like Ben, massive and built like a brick house, could produce anything that wouldn’t rival him in size eventually. He has Ben’s dimples, which I point out when I see Chase slip his thumb into his mouth. Mia immediately starts crying when she hears that. They hadn’t known if he had Ben’s dimples or not, and even though she says they are happy tears, Ben still kicks everyone out of the room so she can get some rest.

  “Tessa, can I talk to you for a minute?” Mason asks when we all reach the parking lot.

  I wave at my parents as they walk to their car before turning my head up at Luke. “Give me a minute?” I ask, releasing his hand.

  He looks at Mason, nodding. “All right.” They exchange another handshake, and Luke walks off with Reed toward their trucks.

  “What’s up?” I ask.

  “I’m moving.”

  I frown, crossing my arms disapprovingly. “Back to Australia? But you just got here.”

  His hand swipes up and brushes back the hair that fell into his eye. “I’ve been here for five months. I never really planned on staying in one place that long. I like to travel, and there’s a lot I want to see in this beautiful country of yours.”

  “So, you’re what? Becoming a gypsy?”

  He shakes his head with a chuckle as his finger flips his keys back and forth. “No, not quite. There’s a business opportunity for me in Chicago. A buddy of mine I met at the gym told me about it. His cousin lives out there and he’s in real estate. I could open up my own yoga studio.”

  “Chicago? Why can’t you open up one here?” I ask.

  “Who knows how long I’d be waiting for that? Owning my own business has always been a dream of mine. I might not get a chance like this again. The building is apparently in a really hip neighborhood. I could do well there, and I’ve always wanted to go to Chicago.” He smiles. “I hear they have good pizza.”

  I cut my smile with a pout. “I’ll kinda miss you, mate.”

  I actually think if I begged Mason to stay, he’s the type of guy who would. We’re only friends, we’ve really only ever been friends, but just in the way he’s looking at me, like he’s afraid to disappoint me by this decision, I know he’d stay.

  I would never ask him to give up a dream like that. And who knows? Maybe he’ll find someone in Chicago who’s worthy of such an amazing guy.

  “I’m really happy for you,” I state, nothing but pure honesty in my voice.

  He motions with his head in the direction behind me. “Is he sticking around?”

  I turn and spot Luke, leaning against his truck, hands in his pockets, and staring directly at us. My heart constricts when I think about him leaving. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about anything yet.” I look back at Mason. “But I think he loves me.”

  “I know he loves you,” he says, tilting his head with a smirk as the heat burns my cheeks.

  I give Mason a hug goodbye, wishing him luck, and threatening to remove his manhood if he doesn’t stay in touch.

  Luke pushes off his truck when I approach and wraps his arms around me. His lips brush against the shell of my ear. “What was that about?”

  I close my eyes, pulling him closer, ducking my head under his chin.

  Don’t leave me.

  “He’s moving to Chicago. He wanted to say goodbye.”

  “Was he good to you?”

  I look up at him, running my finger along his jaw as his amber eyes study me. “Yeah. He was a really good friend.”

  “Good.” He presses his lips against the top of my head, breathing me in.

  “Come home with me?” I ask, and maybe it shouldn’t be there, but the worry, the fear of him leaving floods my voice with doubt.

  His finger lifts my chin. “Is that what you want?”

  “Yes,” I answer, immediately, adamantly, and so fucking sure, it’s as if he just asked me if I wanted to continue breathing.

  His lips press against mine, smooth and full, answering my yes with a kiss that melts away everything that doesn’t matter, that whispers the answer to Mason’s question against my mouth.

  He’s staying.

  ***

  Luke’s waiting for me outside my apartment door, his back leaning against it, and I know he’s smirking when he sees me step onto the landing. Even in the darkness, I know.

  “You beat me.” I insert my key into the top lock, clicking the latch open, as my mouth stretches into a yawn. I work my way down the five deadbolts as his body presses to my back.

  “Tired?” he asks against my hair, placing his hand on top of mine and twisting the doorknob.

  I break into a squeal when he spins me around and lifts me, securing my legs around his waist.

  I smile against his lips, giggling, as his foot kicks the door closed. “Not anymore.”

  “What you did for my dad,” he says, and my smile disappears as quickly as it came on. I’m tempted to squirm free of his hold, beat him to my bedroom, and lock myself away until he forgets all about my ballsy attempt to help him.

  “I’m sor—”

  He silences me with a finger to my lips. “He’s sober. I don’t know if it’ll last, and if it doesn’t, you will not see him like that. If I have to go get him, I do that alone.”

  “You’re never doing anything alone again.” I draw his face closer to mine as he stops dead in the hallway, his shoulders lifting with tension. “If you have to go deal with him, you can go, but I will know where you’re going. No more leaving me in the middle of the night and not telling me why.”

  “I don’t want you affected by this.”

  “Well, too fucking bad.”

  His laugh warms my face before he drops his head against mine. “It’s ugly, Tessa. I don’t like who I become when I deal with him.”

  I unhook my legs from around his waist and slide down to my feet. “You think I won’t like it?” I ask, reaching up and flattening my hand over his chest.

  He grabs the back of my neck, his other hand gripping my hip, sealing our bodies together again. “I. Can’t. Lose. You.” The emphasis he puts on those four words wrecks me, his honestly staggering. This is it. This is why he keeps me out.

  “If this is too much for you, and you pull away from me…” H
is eyes close on a heavy blink. “Tessa, you’re the only thing that keeps me still.”

  I mold my hand to his cheek, the weight of his head falling into my palm. “I’m not going anywhere. Your dad may stay sober; he may not. If he doesn’t, we’ll deal with it together. No more doing this alone.”

  I see the struggle in his eyes, the battle he’s waging against himself.

  I turn his head and move my lips over his ear. “Let me in, Luke. I’ll make it so good for you.”

  His hands tighten on my body, rooting into my skin.

  I drop back onto my heels, nearly stumbling at the sight of his tongue teasing his bottom lip. “Are you trying to bait me with sex to get me to agree to this?” he asks, his tone firm, but he can’t hide the playful glint in his eye.

  I step out of his grasp, tugging at the top button of my blouse. “I’ll use whatever means necessary to get what I want.” I pop the next button. “And I want you.” Pop. “All. Of. You. Every inch.” I hold the last button between my fingers, waiting for him to make his move.

  He pulls at his belt, snapping it off and tossing it onto the floor. “What do you want to do with all of me?” he asks, moving his hands to his shorts.

  My blouse falls to the floor, and his gaze drops, widening at the sight of my breasts. “Love you.” I wait for his eyes to reach mine. It happens immediately. “Is that okay with you?”

  “Fuck yeah, it is.” Fabric rustles as he lowers his shorts, but I can’t look anywhere but his eyes right now, the hungry shift in them pinning me in place, and willing my fingers to snap open the button of my jeans. His forearm flexes, and that gets my attention immediately, because I know exactly what’s causing those beautiful muscles in his arm to roll.

  He’s working his cock at a painfully slow pace. Pulling the skin, teasing the head with a slide of this thumb. “Take them off,” he orders, dropping a nod as he stares at my waist.

  “You take them off.”

  “Are you going to work this for me?” he asks, his hand stagnant on his cock.

  “Depends,” I run my finger over the seam of my jeans, teasing my pussy.

  “Fuck,” he groans.

  “Me,” I add, and he moves like lightning, forcing me with two firm hands on my waist down the hallway. My back hits the bed and his hands rip my jeans off in one swift motion.