by E. L. Todd
I kept my breathing controlled despite the blow I just received. She tore me into pieces with just a simple look. Somehow, she told me exactly how she felt with her eyes.
And I never felt worse in my entire life.
I made her look at me this way. I was responsible for destroying the most beautiful thing we’d ever shared. My gaze could hardly hold hers any longer. Shame washed over me, and I knew I didn’t deserve her. I had no right to walk into her shop that morning.
Then I looked down. My eyes focused on the chain that hung around her neck. It was made of platinum, the same material of the necklace I got her a lifetime ago. The pendant disappeared under her shirt so I couldn’t see it. But I suspected it was the very one.
She took a step closer to me, silently threatening me to walk out and never come back.
I took a step back, yielding to her aggression. It was difficult to stand up like a real man after what I did to her. Instead of being strong for her, I was swallowed by my grief and became…a coward.
Worse than anything else was the disappointment. It was written all over her face. She expected so much more from me, stood by me despite the odds, and gave me faith when no one else did.
The undeniable truth hit me square in the chest. She may be the love of my life, but she would never forgive me. Not now. Not ever. I stared at the floor between us, feeling the distant moisture enter my eyes. I’d lost a lot in my life but losing her was something completely different. She was everything to me. Even when I didn’t make that clear, she was.
I kept my head bowed and walked out of the shop—knowing I was no longer welcome.
Carved
Francesca
I expected Hawke to walk back into my life at some point, but I expected it to come a lot sooner than six months. Without saying a word, I knew why he was there. The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know.
But I refused to listen to a word of it.
I kicked him out of my life and threatened him to stay away from me. I wasn’t his anymore, and I didn’t owe him a damn thing. His problems were his own, and I was sick of his emotional games.
He meant nothing to me.
I never told Kyle what happened. After he asked me all those questions about Hawke, I thought it was best to keep it quiet. There was nothing to tell anyway. Hawke and I didn’t exchange a single word—with our mouths at least.
Hawke wouldn’t return to that shop—not after I ripped into him like that with just my eyes. He backed up and bowed his head, knowing he deserved every look I gave him. He knew he didn’t belong there. And like a dog, he tucked his tail between his legs and bowed out of the game.
I tried to forget the whole thing.
***
Axel sat beside Kyle on the couch. They both had beers in their hands and they were enjoying the basketball game.
“Dude, I love the Knicks.” Axel was one of the biggest sports geeks I ever knew.
But Kyle was too. “They’re awesome. My firm has season tickets but I always forget to go.”
“Say what?” Axel almost spilled his beer. “How can you forget?”
Kyle shrugged. “I’ve got a lot on my plate.”
“You hardly go into the office.”
Kyle chuckled. “Well, I have a girlfriend so that takes up most of my time.” He gave me a dramatic wink before he turned back to Axel. “I golf a lot—getting pretty good, actually. And I still have to do paperwork and all the boring stuff.”
“I wish I had your life.”
“No, you don’t,” Kyle said. “I’m dating your sister, remember?”
“Gross.” Axel shook his head. “Good point.”
Marie’s voice came from the kitchen. “Babe, can you give me a hand?”
Axel set his beer down. “Looks like my wife needs me.”
Marie came around the corner and looked at me. “Frankie, can you help with the kabobs? I never know how to skewer them.”
I smiled triumphantly then walked with her into the kitchen.
“What the hell?” Axel said to Kyle.
“What a burn,” Kyle said. “But I can’t blame her. Frankie is a very desirable woman.”
“Don’t make me break this bottle over your head.”
I came to Marie’s side and tuned out the guys’ conversation. “They’re funny, aren’t they?”
“They get along really well.” She set a bowl of different ingredients aside and we skewered everything on wooden sticks. “Axel loves Kyle.”
“He does?” I didn’t think Axel loved any of the guys I saw.
“Yeah, he really does.” Marie concentrated on her fingers and slid the mushrooms and peppers on the stick. “He said he hopes Kyle is the last boyfriend you’ll ever have.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “Seriously?”
She nodded, a smile on her lips.
I’d always thought Axel wanted me to be with Hawke. But I guess the brutal way we broke up changed everything. “Well, I’m glad you guys like him.”
“He’s so perfect for you.” Marie snuck a bite of chicken.
“I don’t know about that…but he is pretty great.”
“He’s more than great.” She grabbed the tray of completed kabobs then carried them into the living room.
I stayed behind and worked on a new batch of sticks.
Axel walked in a moment later and grabbed a beer from the fridge. “I’ll try not to take offense to that babe comment. After all, you’re the one in here slaving away.”
“It’s better than listening to you talk.”
Axel stood beside me and twisted the cap off his bottle. “Kyle said he’ll take me to a Knicks game next week.”
“Cool.”
He continued to stand there, lingering in an obnoxious way.
“What?”
“I really like him.” He blurted that out of thin air. “I just want you to know that.”
“Uh, thanks. But I’ve never cared about your opinion.”
“Yes, you do.” He argued with me but not in a smartass way. “I wouldn’t mind being his brother-in-law, if it ever came to that.”
Now this was getting weird. “Axel, I’m glad you like him but where is this coming from? Kyle and I have been dating for a month. Why is marriage even being mentioned?”
“You’re right.” He raised both hands like that was supposed to keep me calm. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
My brother never apologized for anything, even when he was wrong. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?” He stood awkwardly, like he was trying to be cool but failing at it.
“Why are you being weird?”
“I’m not.”
When I looked into his eyes, I finally figured it out. “Don’t worry about Hawke. I’m never going back to him. There’s nothing he could ever say or do to change my mind.”
“So…does that mean you’ve spoken to him?”
Not technically. “He came by the shop last week. He was there for two minutes then left. He won’t bother me again.”
He set his beer down and sighed. “I told him off when he asked about Kyle. Apparently, he saw all of us together at karaoke.”
Now I actually felt bad for him. Hawke walked into that bar expecting a regular night only to see Kyle and I exchanging kisses and under-the-table touches. But then that pity disappeared. “He’ll get over it.”
“He only came to talk to you because he realized you moved on. Frankie, he’s an ass—”
“I’m not going back to him, not now or ever. But I really don’t want you to change your relationship with him because of it. Hawke was in a really dark place when everything happened. The last thing he needs is to lose his best friend.”
“Well, he shouldn’t have fucked with my sister.” Axel slammed his beer down then walked away.
I stared at the pile of sticks for a moment before I got back to work, forgetting the argument the second it was over.
***
; Kyle and I went to his place after dinner.
“Axel and I are going to a game next week.”
“He told me.” I walked into his bedroom and immediately fished for one of his t-shirts out of his drawer.
“He’s actually a pretty cool dude.”
“He’s alright.” I tossed it on the bed then began to undress, ready to get to bed. When my bra came off, Kyle blatantly stared at my tits. “He’s a good brother but he annoys me sometimes.”
He stared at me without processing a word I said.
I kept my panties on and pulled his shirt on.
“Why are you putting clothes on? I prefer it when you take them off.”
I pulled back the covers and got into bed. “I like to tease you.”
“Well, consider yourself successful.” He got into bed beside me and immediately pulled me underneath him. “You have one smoking body.”
“I have small tits, a tummy, and a flat ass.”
“Shut the hell up.” He lifted my shirt and kissed my stomach. “Baby, you’re perfect.”
“You’re the one who’s perfect.” I lay back and turned my neck, giving him full access. I liked it when he kissed me there. His tongue felt good on my skin, making my inner thighs ache in longing.
He sucked my bottom lip slowly before he pulled my underwear off. “I’ve been thinking about this moment all night.”
“Even when you were bonding with my brother?”
He moved his face between my legs. “Every. Second.”
***
I opened the shop then got to work in the back. Around six, the other workers came in, getting started on the pastries and other goodies we offered during breakfast time. I usually listened to my headphones in the morning. It was my alone time when I worked on my craft, designing beautiful cakes that people stuffed in their bellies.
When I felt the tension slide up my back and rest on my neck, I knew he was there. I couldn’t explain it in words. Somehow, I just knew. The air was different. The lighting was different. Music blared in my ears but I could swear I heard him. I pulled them off and tossed them on the counter before I turned around.
He stood in jeans and a hoodie, his brown hair a little longer than it used to be. The same devastated look was on his face. Apparently, my brutal rejection wasn’t enough for him.
I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to come into this bakery again. When he came by last week, I assumed that was the last interaction we would ever have—no matter how silent it was. “I’m very busy, and I don’t have time for people who don’t matter. Please go.”
He didn’t leave.
I knew he wouldn’t make it easy. “I told you exactly how I felt last week.”
“You didn’t say anything.”
“I didn’t need to.” I placed one hand on my hip and glared at him. “And that says a whole lot more.”
Hawke stood absolutely still but his eyes showed every ounce of emotion. A war was raging inside him, and it’d been going on for some time. But there was something else there as well—a demented surge of hope. “Muffin—”
“Don’t. Ever. Call. Me. That.” My temper flared up like a volcano. “You do not get to walk in here and talk to me like I’m yours. I’m not yours, and I never will be again.”
He put his hands in his pockets and bowed his head.
“Please give me five minutes.”
“No. You had all the time you would ever need. I was there, ready to listen and be whatever you needed me to be. You don’t get five minutes of my time. Actually, you don’t get any of my time.” I grabbed the spatula and returned my attention to the cake.
Hawke didn’t move. “I’ve been miserable—”
“Don’t care.” I hoped my brutality would shut him down and make him leave. I’d given him too many chances to be the man I knew he was capable of being. I’d cut him too much slack. But I was done with that.
“Francesca, listen to me.”
“I don’t owe you anything.”
“I’m not going to make excuses for my behavior. I’m not going to talk my way out of it. All I want is to apologize to you. I need you to understand that I regret what I did. I want you to know I’m suffering.”
The rage disappeared when I heard those words. It didn’t matter what he did to me or how much he hurt me. I never wanted him to suffer, to feel any unnecessary pain. A part of me would always love him, and that part couldn’t handle his grief.
I tossed the spatula in the bowl and faced him head-on. “I’m listening.”
His eyes glowed slightly, showing his appreciation. “I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what I said to you all those months ago. I’m sorry for how I treated you. I’m sorry I ruined that beautiful thing we had. And I’m sorry…for breaking your heart.”
“You didn’t break my heart, Hawke. I didn’t mourn for you like last time. I got over it.” I turned back to the binder on the counter with the specifications of the decoration. “The moment I walked out of your apartment, I was done. I’d said my goodbye at the door and moved on. We both know the only reason you’re here is because I’m with Kyle now.”
“No.”
“Yes.” I gave him a dark glare.
“I’ve felt this way for the past six months. Nothing has changed.”
I wanted to scream. “Whatever. You went back to your old ways the second I was gone, fucking anything that moved and taking supermodels on vacation. The second I start sleeping with someone new, that’s when you get a wakeup call.” I shook my head in disapproval. “You’re the most selfish man I’ve ever met.”
He bowed his head again, his shoulders slumped. “I haven’t been with anyone else.”
Now I wanted to stab him with my spatula. “Don’t insult me.”
“I’m not lying. I’ve never lied to you and I never will.” He held my gaze as he said it, the sincerity in his eyes.
“You expect me to believe you’ve remained celibate for the past six months?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t believe you for even a second.”
“I jerked off a lot but I was never with anyone. The only person I want is you.”
“That makes zero sense.” I held my hand up, forming a circle with my forefinger and thumb. “Then why haven’t I seen you in half a year?”
“Because I know I’m not good enough for you. I don’t deserve you. But I want you anyway.” He held his breath as he stared at me. “My life has been a meaningless blur. The only thing that keeps me going is our memories. I know there’s still something here, underneath your resentment and hatred.”
“You’re mistaken.” I said goodbye to our future the second I left his apartment. “Kyle is a great guy, he treats me right, and he would never hurt me.”
“So, you’re going to be with someone just because they’re safe?” He came closer to the counter, infecting my personal space. “Because they won’t hurt you? Francesca, no matter how much people love each other, they will get hurt. It’s just the way it is.”
“I’m with Kyle for other reasons too.”
“You don’t love him so those other reasons don’t matter.”
I slammed the utensil on the counter. “You have no right to make such an assumption.”
“Yes, I do. Because you still love me.”
I shook my head and looked away. “Whether I love you or not is irrelevant. You walked out on me when I needed you. You broke your promise to me and broke my heart. I’m not a doormat, Hawke. You can’t just come and go as you please. I would rather be with someone who respects me than be with you.” I gripped the counter as I remained still, needing something to grab onto.
He was quiet for so long I thought the conversation was over. He remained at my side, breathing quietly. “I wish I could take it back.”
“But you can’t.”
“I know. But I want another chance—one more.”
“Look, it didn’t work the first time or the second time. It sure as hell isn’t going
to work the third time.” There was nothing he could do or say to change my mind. When I made a decision, I stuck to it. I was sticking to my guns now. Letting him walk back into my life like his behavior was acceptable wasn’t an option.
“Francesca—”
“No.” I kept my voice steady and fell prey to my rage. “The answer is no. I’ll always be here for you if you ever need anything else. That’s a commitment that will last my lifetime. If there’s anything you ever need, I’m always here. But that’s it. So, unless there’s something you need, it’s time to walk away.” I couldn’t tell the future but I knew what would happen if I went back to Hawke. He would hurt me the way he had before, over and over. While I would always yearn for that burning love we shared, I needed something tamer. I needed a partner I could rely on, someone who wouldn’t crash and burn the second things got tough. There was no way to know what would happen with Kyle down the road, but I was more likely to end up with him than Hawke.
Hawke looked across the kitchen as he worked out his next line. He was trying to find a loophole, something to fix the mess he just made.
Hawke hurt me in the past but I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. If he said he wasn’t with anyone else since we went our separate ways, I believed him. As ashamed as I was to admit it, the revelation made my heart ring like a distant bell. It hurt to picture him with anyone else, and knowing he’d been alone this entire time broke down a lot of my defenses.
But I stayed strong.
Turmoil
Hawke
I was naïve to think I could sweet-talk her into changing her mind. When I said I wasn’t with anyone else while we were apart, I thought that might be enough to make her consider giving me another chance. My hands hadn’t touched anyone but her since we got back together the second time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough.
I really hated Kyle.
I hated the fact he was good to her. He was loyal and appreciated her in a way I failed to. He made her laugh and made her smile. Right before my eyes, he was sweeping her off her feet.
And he might get her for the rest of his life.
If I didn’t fix this, I was dooming myself to an early grave. Without her in my life, there really was no point in going on. She was still my soul mate, and she would always be my soul mate.
