Tangled Secrets

by Anne-Marie Conway

  Kieran was already in the cemetery when I got there the next morning. It was weird how normal it felt, as if we’d been meeting each other there for months. We walked up Banner Road together, talking about the meeting with Vivian and Jasmine. I told him how Jasmine said she’d always wanted a sister. How confusing it was.

  “I saw her go in actually,” he said. “She rushed past me as she came out of the toilets. I’ll tell you something, she looked a lot more frightened than you.”

  “You’re not taking her side, are you?” I said. “You know how scared I was!”

  Kieran rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m not taking sides. It’s not really about sides, is it?”

  Gemma was waiting for me by the gates. She looked a bit embarrassed when she saw me coming up the road with Kieran. I think he must’ve realized. “See you later,” he said, and melted into the crowds. I watched him go until I couldn’t see him any more, my eyes fixed to the back of his head. The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to be with him.

  It was English straight after registration. I slipped into class a couple of minutes early to talk to Miss Owen. I explained about rewriting my homework and she said it was fine – that she’d stick it into my book and mark it straight away so she could hand it back with the others at the end of the lesson.

  “I’m impressed, Maddie,” she said. “I can’t actually remember anyone redoing their work without being asked first.”

  Gemma arrived five minutes later. “Where did you go? I haven’t told you about Nathan.”

  “What about him?”

  “It’s just, well, I don’t think I like him any more.”

  “Gemma, what are you talking about? I thought you were crazy about him?”

  She pulled a face. “I know, I was, I am, but he’s never going to notice me, not in a million years. Not like you and Kieran. He’s obviously mad about you.”

  I couldn’t help grinning. “No he’s not. Anyway, we’re just friends.”

  “Do me a favour, Maddie. It couldn’t be more obvious if you tried.”

  I was about to deny it again when Miss Owen cleared her throat and everyone stopped talking.

  “Before we go on to the final chapters of Holes,” she said. “I’m going to ask one or two of you to read out your homework from last week. There was such an amazing variety of ideas, and some of the pieces were extremely moving.”

  Her eyes began to scan the room. I automatically looked down. I was certain she wouldn’t choose me anyway – I’d only just handed mine in – but a moment later she said, “Maddie. I’d like you to go first, please.”

  My head snapped up. It didn’t mean I wanted to read it out, just because I’d rewritten it. Why did she always pick on me? Why did she always choose me to get up in front of the class? Sweat dripped down my back. I glanced round at Kieran. Our eyes locked. He was giving me that look – the same look he’d given me yesterday just before I went into the meeting with Vivian and Jasmine. He thought I was brave. He thought I could do it.

  I pushed my chair back and stood up slowly, making my way to the front of the room. Miss Owen handed me my book and I stood next to her desk, my mouth as dry as sand, convinced I wouldn’t be able to make a sound. Never mind about jumping into a freezing cold swimming pool, this was like diving in head first.

  “Just over seven months ago…” I started. My voice sounded terrible – squeaky and quiet like a mouse. I cleared my throat, swallowed hard and tried again. “Just over seven months ago my nan had a stroke and a week later she died. We were very close. She was more like a mum to me than a nan, and losing her left a massive hole in my life.”

  I peeked over the rim of my book. Everyone was watching me, waiting. I blinked hard and looked back down, blocking them out, forcing myself to keep speaking. “When I came back to school after the funeral, everything was different. I couldn’t stop thinking about my nan, wishing she was still alive. I didn’t really feel safe without her. I couldn’t concentrate in class and my grades went down. I didn’t know how to stop missing her so much.”

  My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I needed water. The first bit was hard enough to say, but the next bit was even harder. I gulped down my nerves and carried on. “Luckily I have two special friends at Church Vale who have helped me come to terms with losing my nan – who have helped me to see that I am strong enough to cope. First of all there’s Gemma. She’s funny and generous and kind and she accepts me for who I am. I can tell her anything, and I know she won’t judge me or think less of me. I’m so lucky to have her as my best friend.” I paused again, glancing up for a moment and then looking back to my book.

  “My, um…second special friend is Kieran Black.” A few people started murmuring, turning round to stare at Kieran at the back of the room. “Someone told me earlier today that I’m one of the bravest people they know. Maybe I did do something that was brave, but Kieran is so much braver than me. He’s the bravest person I’ve ever met. The hole in his life can never be filled, but I really hope my friendship will help him as much as his friendship has helped me.”

  I lowered my book, staring down at my feet. I had no idea how Kieran would react, if he’d be angry with me for saying something so personal. There was a moment’s silence and then he scraped back his chair and stood up. I held my breath, convinced he was going to walk out, that our friendship was over. But then the most extraordinary thing happened. He raised his hands and began to clap. For a second it was just him, but then Gemma joined in, and then Miss Owen, and a moment later the whole class was smiling and nodding and clapping as I made my way back to my place.

  I don’t think I stopped grinning for the rest of the lesson. It was like a miracle. I’d read my work out in front of the class without fainting or having a panic attack or running out. Nan would be so proud; I could almost hear her cheering, see her arms raised above her head. Miss Owen said she was giving me my first A for months and months. “What a brilliant way to end the year, Maddie,” she said. “I knew you could do it.”

  Everyone was talking about it, saying they couldn’t believe I’d written something so personal and especially about Kieran. I overheard someone say how surprised they were I’d had the guts to read it out and Gemma turned round and said, “Well if you think that was good, you should see her at rounders club – she’s brilliant!”

  “Come on then, best friend,” she said, linking her arm through mine as we made our way out of English and down the corridor to maths. “You might want to warn me next time you’re going to tell the entire class how kind and funny and generous I am!”

  “What do you mean, warn you? I had no idea Miss Owen was going to ask me to read it out. I nearly died.”

  “I’m only joking,” she said. “But, god, that stuff you said about Kieran and then the way he clapped. I had goosebumps all up my arms.”

  “It was all true,” I said. “He has been a good friend and he’s really helped me. So have you. I honestly meant every word.”

  I didn’t see Kieran again for the rest of the day. He must have slipped out while Miss Owen was talking to me at the end of English. My tummy did a somersault every time I thought about what had happened. I’d basically told the entire class that he was one of my best friends.

  He was still off school the next day. I was hoping he might be waiting for me in the cemetery but there was no sign of him. It was horrible; I didn’t even have a number to text him. I went to see Vivian in the end, to tell her how worried I was. She did her best to reassure me. She said as far as she knew he was fine and that he’d be back at school by the end of the week.

  “I heard about your English lesson,” she said. “Mrs Palmer told me. I don’t need to tell you how proud I am.”

  I smiled up at her, my face growing hot. “Thank you. And thank you for everything.” I stood there for a moment, my arms hanging by my sides. I wanted to give her a hug, to show her how grateful I was, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. I don’t think
she had any idea how much she’d helped me.

  “Um…do you think I’ll be seeing you again?” I said in the end.

  “I’m not sure,” said Vivian. “There’s only a week to go until the end of term, but if you and Jasmine want to come and see me together, one last time, I’m more than happy to arrange it with Mrs Palmer…”

  Me and Jasmine. Together. Again.

  “I’ll think about it,” I mumbled. “I’ll let you know, okay?” I turned and raced off down the corridor. Me and Jasmine together. It still felt scary. But I couldn’t help feeling a strange flutter of excitement at the same time.

  It was the last rounders session after school. Gemma’s last chance to impress Nathan. She was still insisting she didn’t like him any more, but it was so obvious she did. I made her promise she’d wear her glasses just for this one game, just to prove to herself that she could actually hit the ball.

  “It won’t make any difference,” she moaned as we trailed out of the changing rooms. “I’ll still miss. I’m rubbish at rounders and that’s all there is to it!”

  Nathan was already on the field when we got there. We could see him standing by first base with Mr Skinner talking to someone. As we got closer I realized it was Kieran and that he was wearing his PE kit. I was so surprised I went running straight over to ask him what was going on.

  “I’ve come to play rounders,” he said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world – as if he hadn’t been away for the past two days – as if the last time we saw each other I hadn’t just told the entire class that he was one of my best friends.

  “Kieran’s joining us for the last session,” said Mr Skinner. “Apparently he used to play in his primary school and he’s keen to try out for the school team.”

  “I don’t believe this,” I said as we walked over to the others. “I thought you didn’t do after-school clubs!”

  “I didn’t,” he said. “But that was before you challenged me. And I’m on the other team, Maddie, so you’d better watch out!”

  Kieran’s team was batting first. It was weird playing against him. I was dying to know what he thought about my essay and where he’d been for the past few days. I watched him as he got up to bat. He hadn’t been with his aunt and uncle for very long but he’d changed so much. Almost as if they’d given him permission to enjoy himself again.

  He was right about being good. He whacked the ball so far across the field he could have crawled round on his hands and knees and still scored a rounder. I could tell Mr Skinner was impressed and it was great to see him get a cheer from the rest of his team. I had to stop myself cheering along with them.

  “Beat that, Maddie Wilkins!” he called out, running past me on third base.

  “You just wait!” I yelled after him, although I didn’t really care if I beat him or not, I was just happy he was there and that he was having a good time.

  Gemma wasn’t having such a good time. She missed at least three catches while we were fielding and when it was our turn to bat she refused point-blank to get up for her turn.

  “There’s no point,” she wailed. “I’ll never hit it and I’ll just make an even bigger fool of myself than I already have.”

  “Come on, Gem, you have to. Just try to stay calm and remember everything Charlie taught you.”

  “But I can’t remember! That’s the whole point – it was weeks ago!”

  I pulled her up and gave her a quick hug. “Keep your glasses on and stay focused. You can do it, Gemma, I know you can!”

  She stood with the bat in her hand, peering at the bowler. I half-closed my eyes, praying she’d hit the ball, even if she didn’t score a rounder. A boy from our form called Hadif was bowling. He took a step forward, pulling his arm back at the same time. Gemma raised the bat ready. Come on, I whispered to myself. Come on, come on. Suddenly there was a crack, the sweetest sound in the world, and the ball was sailing over Hadif’s head.

  “Run!” screamed Nathan, and everyone started to chant, “Gem-ma, Gem-ma.”

  “I hit it!” she squealed, racing towards first base. “I hit the ball!”

  She only got as far as second but it felt as if she’d scored the winning rounder.

  Our side won 10–8 in the end. I scored two of the rounders and Mr Skinner said he definitely wanted me in the school team next year; my name was already on the list.

  “I still hit the ball further than you did,” said Kieran as we made our way down Banner Road and into the cemetery. “So you didn’t officially beat me.”

  “If it makes you feel better,” I said, laughing. “I had no idea you were so competitive.”

  “There’s lots you don’t know about me,” he said.

  I glanced across at him. His face had clouded over, his shoulders hunched again. We stopped by the bench and sat down.

  “My dad was in court yesterday; that’s why I’ve been off school. I didn’t have to go, but I wanted to.”

  “What happened?”

  Kieran leaned back, sighing. “It’s complicated. He’s not going to prison, that’s the main thing, but I won’t be able to move back in with him. Not until he can show the courts he’s stopped drinking. He has to sign up for this special treatment programme.”

  I turned to face him, drawing my knees up under my chin. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but my mum works at this addiction clinic and I’m pretty sure your dad goes there, or used to go there. She doesn’t talk about it or anything, it’s completely confidential, but I just wanted you to know.”

  “It’s all right,” he said. “I already knew.”

  We sat in silence for a bit. He took a stone out of his pocket. It was small and round and very smooth. “We went to Brighton once,” he said rubbing the stone around in his hand. “I was only about five. I was so excited on the drive down, it was my first trip to the seaside, but when we arrived and I realized it was a stony beach, that there was no sand, I couldn’t stop crying. I was devastated. I wanted to make sandcastles with my dad, proper ones with moats and tunnels; I’d been planning it all the way there.”

  He stared ahead as if he was remembering the actual day, as if he was still five years old.

  “I was in such a state, my mum sat me on her lap and she told me a story about the stones. She said there once lived a prince who was allergic to sand. He loved the seaside, but whenever his skin came into contact with sand he came out in blisters. The prince lived right by a beautiful beach, but year after year he had to stay inside the palace while all the other children played on the sand and swam in the sea.

  “The Queen couldn’t bear to see her son so upset so one summer she arranged for a massive delivery of stones – hundreds and thousands and millions of them to be delivered to the beach and laid on top of the sand. She told the little boy that stones were better than sand – that they didn’t get stuck in-between your toes or ruin your picnic. And so that year, for the first time ever, the Prince was able to play on the beach like everyone else.”

  He turned to face me, his eyes bright with tears. “She had lots of stories,” he said. “But the one about the stones is my favourite.”

  “It’s a beautiful story,” I said, blinking back tears myself. “It reminds me of my nan. She used to say there’s only one side of life worth looking on, and that’s the bright side.”

  “In other words, stones can be just as good as sand.”

  “Exactly,” I said, smiling. “And sometimes they might even be better.”

  Chapter 28

  Dad and I had a long talk on Sunday morning. I told him about the note Sharon left on Nan’s grave and he explained what happened, how Sharon had written to Nan after she was first diagnosed with cancer to tell her about Jasmine. How she wanted Jasmine to meet her family and thought contacting Nan first would be the best way to go about it.

  “Apparently Nan was thrilled. She called Sharon straight away and they made arrangements to meet up, but Sharon lost her nerve and backed out at the last minute. Nan didn’t sa
y a word to me or Mum about it, but she told her friend Bessie and it was Bessie who contacted Sharon to let her know Nan had passed away.”

  “It must’ve been a terrible shock,” I said.

  “It was a massive shock. That’s when Sharon decided she had to let Jasmine meet the rest of her family. You can’t imagine how guilty she feels that Jasmine and Nan never got to meet. That’s why she left that note saying sorry. She was so worried about her own diagnosis; it never occurred to her that Nan might fall ill and die before her.”

  “What was it like when you first met Jasmine?” I said, half-wanting to know, half-dreading it. It was the one thing I’d been too scared to ask up until now. “How long was it after you first met up with Sharon?”

  “I called Jasmine a few days later and we had a long chat on the phone, but the first time we actually met was the day we got back from the lake. It wasn’t planned or anything, but do you remember the phone rang in the car? Well the hospital had called to say Sharon had taken a turn for the worse and Jasmine couldn’t get hold of the friend she was staying with and she didn’t know who else to call…”

  “But it was Sharon who rang you that day,” I said, confused. “I saw her name come up on your phone…”

  “That was only because Jasmine had Sharon’s phone. It was Jasmine who actually called.”

  “And what was it like, then, the moment you met her? How did you feel?”

  Dad smiled. “Nervous. Scared. Curious. Guilty. A whole mix of emotions. It was frantic at the hospital, and then later on when we finally got the chance to chat I ended up talking about you and Charlie for most of the time, telling her how wonderful you both are…” He trailed off, glancing down at his watch. “Listen, I’m sorry, love, but I’ve got to pop up to the hospital now…”