Lily (Song of the River)

by Aaron McCarver

  Jasmine glanced toward Lily for confirmation. Although Lily didn’t want her youngest sister to hear about their father from Aunt Dahlia, it couldn’t be helped. She needed to figure out how to handle this situation, and she couldn’t do that until she talked to her father. Why had she ever let him remain on the Hattie Belle?

  “Why don’t you come up to the hurricane deck with me?” Their father put a gentle hand on David’s shoulder. “I’ve been wanting to show you how to whittle a turtle, and I think now would be a good time.” His shoulders drooped as he led the boy away.

  Wondering what to do, Lily jumped when someone touched her arm. “Tamar.”

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” She held out two envelopes. “Your grandmother wanted me to deliver these to Mr. Blake and Captain Henrick.”

  “Captain Anderson.” She took the envelopes and sighed. “We need to start calling him by his full name. I suppose that’s as good a place to start unraveling this knot as any.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Blake stepped closer. “I know a certain fellow who’s been ornery as a bear since a certain hardhearted female told him to stay away from her.”

  Tamar’s head dropped toward her chest. Were her cheeks darkening? Lily almost smiled at her friend’s response to Blake’s teasing. But then her problems came crashing down on her once again. What was she going to do? Where could she turn?

  She fought a strong desire to loose the Hattie Belle from her moorings and float away. But where could she escape her bad decisions? By the time she realized no place would be far enough away, Tamar had disappeared.

  “What’s going through that head of yours?” Blake’s voice was warm, containing none of the condemnation she deserved.

  Lily shook her head. She wouldn’t—couldn’t—cry in front of him.

  His hands cupped her elbows, pulled her closer. “It’s not that bad, honey.”

  His reassurance crashed through Lily’s defenses. She needed to rest, to lean on his strength. Melting into him, Lily sobbed against his shoulder. After a moment he reached an arm under her knees and picked her up, cradling her against his chest as the hot tears continued unabated. On some level she knew he had moved her out of the way of prying eyes and ears. But mostly she simply released all the worry and dread that had been building inside for so long.

  How had everything gone so wrong? Where had the first misstep happened? Was it when she bought the Hattie Belle? Or even earlier, when she’d refused to bow to her aunt and uncle’s bidding? Perhaps she should have married Mr. Marvin in spite of her misgivings. Or maybe everything would have been different if she’d sent her father away the moment she discovered that Blake had hired him.

  Finally the tears ran out. Drained by the storm of emotion, Lily lay against Blake’s chest and breathed unsteadily. Little by little she noticed several things. She was sitting in his lap at one of the dining-room tables. His hand was rubbing gentle circles on her back. His shirt was wet under her cheek. She wanted to push away from him but didn’t know if she would ever gather the nerve to look him in the eye.

  “Feeling better?” His low voice eased some of her embarrassment.

  Lily sniffed and lifted her head, her gaze not quite reaching his face. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize.”

  She pushed back and reached for the floor with her feet.

  “Be careful.” He released his hold on her.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Her voice still sounded shaky, but Lily stood up anyway. “I’m not usually so overcome.”

  He thrust something under her nose. A handkerchief.

  Lily used it to wipe her face.

  When she tried to hand it back to him, Blake caught her hand. “Keep it for now.”

  She shrugged and tucked the damp square into the waist of her skirt. “I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  “I’d suggest a cool, wet cloth to wash your face.”

  A giggle bubbled into her throat. Finally she looked at him. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Are you asking for my advice?” His eyes, as clear and blue as a summer sky, considered her. For a moment they stood, watching each other. How did he manage to look so handsome, so capable?

  “Yes.” Lily felt an almost overwhelming urge to place all her burdens on his shoulders, but for now she would only ask for his advice.

  “You’re going to have to be truthful with your family—every one of them, your sisters, even the aunt and uncle you don’t agree with.”

  She thought she had emptied the reservoir of tears on his shirtfront, but suddenly she could feel the burning of a fresh supply. “I’m afraid they won’t forgive me, especially Camellia. She was so hurt and angry when she left.”

  “Of course she will, Lily. She’s your sister. She may be angry with you for a day or two, but she’ll come around. She loves you. Both of your sisters adore you. They will forgive you.”

  The tears receded a bit as his words gave her hope. But another thought intruded. “How can they when I cannot forgive my father for what he did all those years ago?”

  A light entered his eyes. “You once told me to make peace with the past and with my father. I’m telling you the same thing today. You have to forgive your father.”

  She gulped, remembering how easily she had dispensed that advice. Odd how her words had come back to haunt her. Could she let go of the fact that her father had abandoned them when they needed him the most?

  Backing away from Blake, she moved toward the bedroom she shared with Camellia and Jasmine. “I’ll think about it.” She turned and fled before he could extract a promise from her. She needed to do some praying before she decided what to do next.

  Chapter Fourty-three

  The room was as tidy as they’d left it. Lily moved toward her trunk and opened it. She dug through the clothes inside until her fingers closed over the solid edges of the item she sought. Her Bible. Pulling it free, she perched on the edge of her bed.

  Clasping the leather volume to her chest, she knelt next to her bed, closed her eyes, and began to pray. The words came slowly at first, but then they began sliding across her mind as she felt His presence beside her.

  Lord, You know what’s wrong. Please help me figure out how to fix it. I’ve gotten so far from Your Word, and I’m sorry. Please don’t hold that against me. I come to You with my head hung low. I know better than to let my faith grow weak and forgotten in the press of days. I ask for Your forgiveness and patience. Help me to do better. Show me how to lead my sisters so that they will continue to embrace You no matter what our futures may hold. Thank You, Lord, for being so faithful. Amen.

  Getting up to sit on the bed, Lily opened her Bible to the New Testament. She flipped a few pages of Matthew’s Gospel, her eyes sliding across the familiar verses and stopping when she reached the Lord’s Prayer. The words soothed her, bringing peace. Then her breath caught. The warning contained in verse 15 jumped out at her: “‘If ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’”

  This was the answer she’d been searching for. If she wanted God to forgive her for ignoring Him and trying to do things her own way, she would have to forgive her father. She glimpsed the seriousness of her sin—how she had turned from her Creator, how she had considered herself better than others, how she had relied on her own understanding.

  The look of betrayal on Camellia’s face haunted her. Yet hadn’t she nurtured her own feeling of betrayal? Why had she never told her sisters that their earthly father was alive? Why had she gone along with the lies her relatives had fabricated? Her arrogance had stopped her from telling them, even making him promise to hide the truth. She had thought it would be best for Camellia and Jasmine. Best for everyone. But when had Jesus ever taught that lies were better?

  She had to forgive her father for walking away from them. No matter the reasons, no matter the circumstances. Lily looked up at the ceiling. “
I want to forgive him, God. I don’t want to hold on to the anger and blame any longer. Please help me see him through Your eyes.” Warmth spread throughout her body. The pain of betrayal slipped away. Freedom filled with love took its place.

  Lily closed her Bible and stood. She couldn’t let any more time pass without telling him. She left the room and hurried down the passageway toward the stairs. He would most likely be in the pilothouse. Her feet took wing. She felt like a prisoner seeing the sunshine for the first time in years. She hadn’t realized how dark her life had been, overshadowed by anger and distrust.

  He stood on the upper deck, looking out at the sea of boats surrounding the Hattie Belle, but turned as she walked toward him. “Lily, are you all right?”

  Shaking her head, Lily stopped in front of him. “You’re not to blame. I’m the one who insisted we hide the truth from my sisters. I want you to come back to Les Fleurs with me. I don’t want any more lies between us.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t know why I left.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” She took a deep breath. “What matters is that you want to be near us now. I should have seen that earlier. Please say you’ll forgive me. I want things to be different from now on.”

  His eyes filled with tears. “Lily, you don’t have to ask for my forgiveness.”

  “Yes, I do … Papa.”

  He gasped, and his face crumpled. He opened his arms wide.

  Without any hesitation, Lily stepped into his embrace. “I love you, Papa, and I’m glad God brought us back together.”

  “I’m just so happy to have my Water Lily back.” His voice choked with emotion. “You’ve given me a gift beyond belief, second only to that moment when He entered my heart and changed it forever. I love you so much, my little Water Lily.”

  Lily hugged him hard, closing her eyes and thanking God for setting them both free. It had taken her far too long to get to this point, but thankfully she was no longer holding on to her bitterness. She only hoped Camellia would forgive her more easily.

  The sun was setting as the rented carriage pulled to a stop in front of her grandmother’s door. Lily’s gaze met her father’s as he helped her down from the carriage. He was dressed in borrowed finery loaned to him from Blake’s wardrobe. The fit of the blue coat was not perfect, since it would not quite button over her father’s midsection, but it looked much better than his usual attire. For this occasion his hat, also borrowed from Blake, had the taller crown and narrow brim befitting a gentleman.

  “I still don’t think this is a good idea.” His face mirrored his uncertainty.

  Lily smiled at him. “It’s going to be fine. It’s about time Mama’s family acknowledged you.” She swept up the steps and pushed open the door.

  Before she took more than three steps, Uncle Phillip emerged from his study. His expression changed from curiosity to outrage. “What is he doing here?”

  “He’s here at Grandmother’s express invitation.” Lily lifted her chin and faced her uncle, daring him to continue.

  “I don’t believe it. Your grandmother would never go against your grandfather’s wishes.”

  Now it was Lily’s turn for confusion. Her grandfather, the man who had treated her sisters and her like princesses, had forbidden their father’s presence? She turned to Papa. He was studying the marbled floor. “Is it true? Is that why you never contacted us?”

  His nod was all the confirmation she needed. If Lily had held any doubts about forgiving this man, they vanished completely. What had that forced separation cost him? “Why would Grandfather do such a thing?”

  Her father looked up and met her gaze. “He loved your mother so much. I think it drove him a little crazy when she died. He blamed me, and I agreed with him that I bore the responsibility for her death. He was determined to protect you girls from a similar fate.”

  “And as his heir, I feel obligated to continue his wishes.” Uncle Phillip cleared his throat. “Besides, he’s the reason your aunt nearly collapsed from shock. Both of your sisters are in their rooms. I understand Camellia is inconsolable.”

  Her uncle moved as though to step past Lily, but she stopped him with an angry glare. “All of that is my fault, not his. I’m the one who demanded he keep his identity hidden. When Aunt Dahlia came to the boat, she recognized Papa.” Lily shrugged. “I don’t see why she should be so overcome, but she is a practical woman. This is a matter between me, my siblings, and our father.”

  Her uncle sputtered. “I still—”

  Lily cut off his words. It was time to remind him that he was far from blameless. “In reality, you have only yourself to blame for Papa’s appearance here tonight. If you hadn’t tried to force me into marriage with a man I did not love, I would never have gathered the courage to buy a riverboat, and I would not have met my father in New Orleans.”

  Uncle Phillip’s response was drowned out by Grandmother’s voice as she opened the parlor door. “Whatever is going on out here?”

  Aunt Dahlia was close on her heels. “I can’t believe your effrontery.”

  It seemed her aunt had recovered. It wasn’t clear if Aunt Dahlia was addressing her or Papa, but Lily didn’t care. She lifted her chin and squared her shoulders. “What effrontery? All I’ve done is bring my new captain to dinner as Grandmother requested.”

  “You should know he’s not welcome in this house.” Aunt Dahlia’s voice was heavy with spite. “But trust you to flout the wishes of your family. You have always thought you knew better than anyone else.”

  Her words struck at Lily’s heart. Hadn’t she promised God she would not be so rebellious? Did He mean for her to meekly follow her relative’s directives, even when they were wrong?

  Grandmother clapped her hands and waited until everyone had turned to her. “That’s enough melodrama for one evening.” She nodded toward Lily’s father. “You are looking well, Henrick.”

  Aunt Dahlia’s mouth dropped open. “But—”

  “Calm down, Dahlia, and close your mouth before you swallow a fly.”

  Uncle Phillip put an arm around Aunt Dahlia. “I don’t see—”

  “Although I dearly loved my husband and would never have countermanded his dictates, I don’t believe Isaiah was right to keep my granddaughters separated from their only living parent.” She turned to Lily’s father and offered him her hand. “I hated seeing them so lost, but I didn’t want to oppose my husband. Perhaps now we can bury the past along with poor Rose.”

  Lily’s father bowed over her hand before straightening. “If I could have traded my life for hers, I would have.”

  Grandmother tucked her hand in the crook of his arm. “I know that feeling well. It is difficult to bury one’s spouse.”

  Grandmother turned to Lily. “Why don’t you go talk to your sisters? It’s about time for them to celebrate instead of experiencing all these histrionics that Dahlia has encouraged.”

  “Camellia is overwrought, Mother.” Aunt Dahlia pulled away from her husband. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for Lily to bother her.”

  “While I am the first to admit that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Aunt Dahlia, I am not going to allow you to come between me and Camellia.”

  “Why do you always imagine I am your enemy, Lily?” Aunt Dahlia put a hand to her forehead. “The good Lord knows I only want what’s best for you and your sisters.”

  Lily could feel her eyes widening. “What’s best for—”

  “Lily.” Her grandmother’s voice interrupted her scathing response. She turned to her daughter. “Dahlia, you will not interfere with Camellia further. I believe we can allow Lily to handle the situation in the way she thinks best. And you will smile and converse politely with your brother-in-law tonight and in the future.”

  Lily escaped to the upstairs bedrooms before anyone else could stop her. Leaning her head against Camellia’s door, she took a deep breath and said a prayer for wisdom. Then she knocked and entered.

  “What do you want
?” Camellia was sitting on the window seat in her dressing gown.

  Lily closed the door behind her. “I need to explain why I didn’t tell you about Father. I realize now how bad a mistake that was. I’m so sorry. Please say you’ll forgive me.”

  “Do you think it’s that easy?” Camellia hunched her shoulders. “Do you think you can waltz in here and tell me you’re sorry and I’ll say it’s okay?”

  “No, but I want to explain why I did it.”

  “Maybe I don’t want to listen.”

  Lily sat beside Camellia and touched one of her sister’s ringlets. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life.”

  Camellia’s eyes opened wide in a perfect imitation of Aunt Dahlia. “Do tell.”

  Disliking the influence she saw in her sister’s behavior, Lily sighed. She had to get her sister away from this world. But for now she needed to concentrate on the current problem. “I know. But please believe me when I say my intention was only to protect you and Jasmine.”

  “By hiding the truth from us?”

  “You’re right. It was a terrible idea. But honey, I was afraid our father would burrow his way into our hearts and then disappear like he did when you were barely more than a baby. It was only after I started listening to him that I realized how much he’s changed. He asked Jesus into his heart, and it’s made him a new man. I no longer think he’ll desert us.” She hesitated, but now was not the time to hide anything. “And if he does, God will see us through it.”

  Camellia stood up and walked to her dressing table. She fingered the pearl-handled brush and moved a couple of hairpins around. “I wish you’d let us make the decision to accept Papa or not.” Camellia looked toward her, her pale-blue eyes wet with unshed tears. Her bow-shaped mouth was pursed as she considered Lily. “You shouldn’t try to keep such things from us, especially me. You’re not my mother, you know. And I’m no longer a child.”

  “I am reminded of that every time I look at you.”