The Pixilated Peeress

by L. Sprague De Camp

  They went down with Thorolf cradling the bundle. Vasco appeared, saying: "How doth your lady, Sergeant? Ye told me she ailed."

  "Much better now, thanks to Doctor Bardi. She's already gone forth. The good Doctor will pay the scot, and your sheet shall be returned on the morrow."

  Thorolf strode out, leaving a quietly fuming Bardi fumbling in his purse. The cart stood beneath the tub, to the sides of which were affixed handles for carrying.

  Bardi appeared, saying: "Is that all, Sergeant? I'm fain to return to my sanctum."

  "Nay. sir!" said Thorolf sternly. "You shall remain with me until we have delivered her."

  He climbed up on the wheel of the cart and dumped his bundle into the tub, saying to the carter in the local dialect: "This is a rare fish, meant as a gift to the King of Carinthia if we can keep it alive. Goodman Wentz, wilt take a look at your mule's off rear foot? Methought it limped a trifle on our way hither."

  Cursing under his breath, the carter climbed down from his perch and examined the hoof. While he did so, Thorolf untied the corners of the sheet and pulled it out from under Yvette. He spread the sheet over the tub.

  "Nought amiss here," the carter grumbled, resuming his place. "Good; let's go!"

  -

  Long before, when Rhaetia had been under the kings of Carinthia, the kings' servants had erected a frowning castelet on a hill in the midst of Zurshnitt, to house the garrison and overawe the citizens. Since independence, Zurshnitt had grown far beyond its former boundaries. Left derelict, Zurshnitt Castle had been bought and refurbished by the Order of Sophonomy.

  Thorolf and Bardi walked through the Street of Clockmakers to the base of Castle Hill, followed by the cart. When the slope steepened, the mule balked until Thorolf put his massive shoulder to the tail of the cart and pushed. The street became a winding path to the castle gate.

  The curtain wall with its corner turrets was made of a gray gneiss, in which flakelets of mica sparkled in the sunshine. Reaching the gate of Zurshnitt Castle slightly out of breath, Thorolf saw a pair of chain-mailed guards in azure livery standing stiffly at attention. As the cart approached, these two crossed halberds with a clang before it. One said brusquely:

  "State your business, sir!"

  Thorolf noticed that the swords worn by these two were not belayed to their scabbards by peace wires, as required of the civilians of Zurshnitt. He said: "We have the victim of a spell gone awry, and we are told that Doctor Orlandus can cure such maladies."

  "Who is this victim?" snapped the guard. "Is it ye?"

  "Nay; she's in the tub. It is vital to keep her covered."

  The guard glowered. "Think ye we'd let such a mysterious load into our headquarters uninspected? Ye maun be daft! Uncover it, Crasmund!"

  "Ho!" cried Thorolf. "Don't—"

  The other guard had already seized a corner of the sheet. Now he whipped it off and stared into the tub. He reeled back with a shriek: "A demon! A demon!"

  "What?" cried the other guard, pushing forward for a look. "Nay, 'tis a monster!"

  The carter gave a squeal like that of a rusty hinge, leaped down from his seat, and ran.

  "A demon, I say!" yelled the first guard.

  "Nay, a monster!" shouted the second.

  "A demon!"

  "A monster!"

  "A demon, as any nullwit can see!"

  "Fools!" roared Thorolf. "It's my patient, for Doctor Orlandus to treat!"

  "Demon or monster, I'll send it back to its native hell!" screamed the first guard, raising his halberd to thrust at Yvette with the spearhead on the end.

  "Stop!" yelled Thorolf. He sprang toward the first guard and seized the shaft of the halberd below the ax head. "You idiots, that's the Countess of Grintz, ensorceled!"

  "Ha!" snorted the first guard, wrestling with Thorolf for possession of the halberd. "I once met a countess, when I soldiered for the Count of Treveria, and she looked not at all like this! Guard! Turn out!"

  With a mighty wrench, Thorolf tore the weapon from the guard. Losing his grip on the shaft, the guard, backed against the side of the cart, reached for his sword. He had it half out of the scabbard when a mottled, brown-and-white tentacle snaked out of the tub, caught him round the neck, and dragged him shrieking over the edge.

  Sensing motion behind him, Thorolf whirled to meet the other guard. The man swung his halberd in a decapitating blow. Thorolf knew that, while the swing of this top-heavy weapon was slow enough to be usually evaded or parried, when such a blow got home it commonly killed. He also knew that he fought at a disadvantage. While the guards seemed eager to kill him, he did not wish to slay either and thus foreclose all chance of help from Orlandus.

  He caught the swing of the other halberd on the head of the one in his hands. The ax heads met with a hideous clang. Instead of retaliating in kind, Thorolf reversed his shaft and rammed the butt into the guard's solar plexus. The coat of mesh mail and the padded acton beneath did little to break the force of the thrust; the man went sprawling on the cobbles, doubled up and clutching his midriff.

  Thorolf turned to glimpse the carter in flight down the path up which they had come, and Doctor Bardi crawling under the cart. The legs of the guard whose halberd Thorolf had taken dangled kicking over the edge, of the tub, while from the tub came the bubbling sounds of a man trying to shout with his face under water.

  "What in the seven hells betides?" shouted another armored man, an officer from his scarlet insignia, issuing from the portal at the head of a squad of blue-clad guards.

  "I came to present a patient for Doctor Orlandus to treat—" began Thorolf.

  The felled guard, who had stopped coughing, climbed to his feet and cried: "He—he seeks to smuggle a monster into the castle!"

  "Give up your weapons, and we'll look into this matter, " the officer growled.

  "No, sir, I will not! I am a soldier of the Rhaetian Army, and those idiots attacked me without provocation."

  "What doth my man in yon tub?" asked the officer.

  "My patient, who is in the tub, came to mine aid," Thorolf said, leaning the halberd against the cart and pulling the barely conscious guard out by the legs. Thorolf turned him over, hoisted him by the middle, and shook the water out of him. The man went into an agony of coughing.

  The officer stepped to the tub. "That's your patient?"

  "Aye; she's a noble lady under enchantment."

  "Ha!" said the officer. "When I believe that, I shall believe the legend that Arnalt of Thessen rode his horse across Lake Zurshnitt atop the waves."

  "Ah, Sergeant Thorolf of the Fourth Foot, I believe! " said a new voice from the gateway. The cluster of guards opened out as the newcomer approached. As he passed among them, they placed hands over their hearts and bowed low.

  The object of their reverence was a tall, lean man with a long, mobile face, wherein slanting eyebrows and greenish-blue eyes effected a slightly eerie look. He wore a scarlet robe of shimmering stuff. Upon his midnight mane of long black hair reposed a golden academic cap, whose dangling tassel glinted with little gems.

  "Who is that beneath the cart?" demanded the newcomer. "Ah, I do perceive my respected colleague, Doctor Bardi. Come out, my dear fellow! None shall harm a hair of your venerable head."

  Brushing dirt from his robe, Bardi arduously rose. "I am sorry, Doctor Orlandus," he coughed, stooping to pick up his mortarboard. "Dear me! I fear that I be too old for the robustious games your minions play. Had ye not appeared so timely, they would have harmed far more than the hairs of our heads."

  He finished brushing his cap and ceremoniously raised it to the Psychomage, who in turn tipped his cap to Bardi before he strode to the tub.

  "Who was this when she had her normal form?" he asked in a mellifluous voice.

  "Countess Yvette of Grintz," said Thorolf. "Bardi tried to alter her appearance, the better to elude her foes; but something went awry."

  "Ah, yea; the widow of Count Volk. A woman of exceptional qualities; she could easily become
a diaphane, thus enhancing her already notable powers. Our spells never miscarry thus." He turned to his guardsmen. "Captain, tell four men to bear this tub within.

  Choose another to fetch fodder for the mule, and guard the cart until the carter return for his property. Now follow me, my dear friends."

  As they walked leisurely under the raised portcullis, Orlandus continued: "Your Countess escaped from Duke Gondomar with nought but a horse, her garments, and her coronet, did she not? And presently lost both horse and clothes to her pursuers. Where is the coronet now?"

  "In safekeeping," growled Thorolf suspiciously, glancing about.

  -

  On the inner side of the curtain wall, many stairways led to the parapet. Between the stairways, casements had been built into the massive lower wall, forming living quarters. In the middle of the enclosure, separated from the curtain wall by a space of twenty or thirty feet all the way round, rose the keep, a massive, turreted building of rust-red sandstone. It overtopped the curtain wall by a whole storey. On the second and third levels, the present owners had replaced the arrow slits by diamond-paned glass windows.

  As they crossed the courtyard, persons of various ages bustled out one door and in another. All wore robes, calf-length for the men and ankle-length for the women. Some were bright yellow and the rest gray, save for one or two in scarlet like that of the leader. Beyond, Thorolf glimpsed a couple of women in nondescript attire washing clothes in a tub and three small children playing. The guards' families, he thought.

  In the midst of the yard, three men and two women in gray robes were on their knees, washing the cobblestones with scrubbing brushes and water buckets. As Thorolf passed these scrubbers, one of the women, young and pretty, looked up. At Orlandus' frown she hastily looked down again and resumed her labor.

  They entered one of the massive doors of the keep and passed down a hall. Another young woman in gray stood meekly aside as they entered and then resumed polishing the inside doorknob. Orlandus said:

  "Ah, yea; my prudent sergeant would deposit Yvette's bauble safely, would he not? 'Twould fetch a pretty sum—belike twelve thousand marks."

  He conducted them up a long stair, down the right-hand one of a pair of long halls, and into a spacious room, containing chairs, a divan, and a large desk. Seating himself behind the desk, Orlandus motioned Thorolf and Bardi to chairs. At another gesture, the soldiers set down the tub and departed.

  Thorolf glanced around. In contrast to Bardi's dusty clutter, the chamber was as clean, neat, bare, and orderly as if it had never been occupied at all. The door through which they had come was one of a pair on one of the long sides of the room, which was cheerfully lit by diamond-paned casement windows at the ends. On the long side facing the doors was a low fireplace, but no fire had been laid and there were neither ashes nor cinders on the hearth.

  Above the fireplace hung a huge framed painting, extending to the ceiling and dark with the dirt of decades. Through the grime it faintly showed the God and Goddess, Voth and Frea, of the Dualistic Church of Carinthia and the Empire. A small tear above Voth's head had not been repaired.

  The Divine Pair had originally been painted seated on the natural thrones formed by a pair of thick-stemmed, twisted trees. The divinities extended benedictory hands above a multitude of tiny figures, representing mortal mankind, which swarmed about their feet. The Pair had originally been nude, Voth with a great black beard rippling down his chest and a wreath of laurel leaves on his hair; Frea as a beautiful blond woman of matronly figure. Someone had later painted bronze-green oak leaves over the Divine Couple's sexual characters.

  Following Thorolf's glance, Orlandus said: "This was the audience chamber of the Carinthian governors when they ruled in Rhaetia. When the Carinthians departed, they evidently found the moving of yon painting more trouble than they deemed it worth. According to a Tyrrhenian expert I had in, it is second-rate art. Still, it might be worth cleaning some day when we have the time."

  Thorolf said: "Here are the garments she wore ere her transformation." He laid the bundle on Orlandus' desk before sitting down. "I see you are not using the fireplace, Doctor, albeit winter will be upon us erelong."

  Orlandus smiled. "The fireplace is more ornamental than useful. The castle hath an amenity invented in the days of the old Neapolitan Empire but neglected since. It is clept central heating. A furnace in the basement sends warm air through ducts to the far reaches of the building."

  Another good-looking woman of about Yvette's age, also swathed in gray, entered and began mopping the floor, although Thorolf could not discern a speck of dust. He said:

  "You keep a neat hold, Doctor."

  "Surely. I am a modern, scientific magus. All operations are conducted in accordance with the latest principles of natural philosophy. One cannot be efficient without order."

  Thorolf exchanged glances with Bardi, whose sanctum was at a polar extreme from their present surroundings. The soldier jerked his head towards the woman mopping. "Do your folk clean even when there is no dirt?"

  Orlandus chuckled. "She serves a light sentence of expiation for a breach of discipline by a member of our order, of the lowest or probationary grade. Only when the aspirant hath risen to the rank of diaphane is he or she immune to such discipline. Since the recent warm spell hath made it needless to stoke the central furnace, I have instead passed sentences of cleaning and polishing. A diaphane, however, knows the right thing to do on all occasions and does it.

  "Let us return to the concomitants of my treatment of your Countess, since you expressed the desire that I do so. The price of the coronet would not nearly cover the cost of the Spell of Mimingus needed to restore Yvette to her winsome former self. You, Sergeant, have seven hundred-odd marks on deposit with Banker Virus, saved up for your tuition. And you, Doctor Bardi, have at least fifteen thousand in the hoard you secrete in your house."

  "How knew you?" blurted Thorolf.

  "Ah, what good were my arcane powers if I kept not abreast of my clients' affairs? Adding the sums from the coronet and your respective assets, that gives a total of about thirty thousand marks. Not nearly enough, I fear."

  Thorolf bristled. "Meanst that you'd leave her in her polypose form if we cannot raise money beyond all we own?"

  "My dear fellow! Take not so rigid a view. With a little adjustment, I am sure we can come to an amicable arrangement. I know somewhat of Yvette of Grintz, whose presence would much enhance my following. There is no rush about paying me all at once. I shall expect payment in installments of, let us say, one-tenth at a time, to allow you gentlemen time to arrange for loans.

  "Meanwhile I shall keep Yvette here. Come back in a fortnight, with the first installment, and you shall find her restored. But she will not return to you until you have met the full cost of this difficult operation."

  Thorolf thought privately that anyone who tried to hold Yvette against her will would find his work cut out for him. He said: "How would you stop her from leaving the castle?"

  "Not by bars and shackles, I do assure you. She will understand that she owes it to me to remain here until the costs of the operation be met. The total reckoning will be—ah—thirty-five thousand marks."

  "Ye'd beggar us!" grumbled Bardi.

  "I am truly sorry, but this cannot be helped. Without resources I cannot carry on my great work for the benefit of mankind. Let it be agreed that one or the other shall return a fortnight hence with the first payment, thirty-five hundred marks, in good Rhaetian gold or silver." Orlandus rose. "Now let us part so that I can begin the arduous and costly preparations."

  Taking each visitor by the elbow, Orlandus steered them to the gate, talking smoothly the while: "After this affair be wound up, my good Sergeant, I should welcome you as a subject for my mind-enhancing treatment. I do perceive you to be a man of great potential, combining the body of a mighty warrior with the mind of a scholar. This is a rare blend; we might even make a diaphane of you, could you stay the course."

  "Gra
mercy for your compliments," said Thorolf. "But do your treatments require more money?"

  "Certes! We cannot conduct this world-saving institution and maintain our headquarters and laboratories on air. But I am sure that arrangements can be effected, once you are enrolled amongst the followers of Sophonomy. We can rid you of all the fears and guilts accumulated in previous lives."

  "For now," said Thorolf, "my obligation is to the Commonwealth and its Constitution. I'll do nought that conflicts with those."

  "But of course, my dear fellow! Many of my people also give loyal service to the Commonwealth in various capacities." He spoke to a gate guard: "Where is the cart these gentlemen brought that tub in?"

  "The carter returned and drave it off, Master," said the guard, placing a hand over his heart and bowing.

  "Good! We are scrupulous in such affairs. We shall discuss these matters further. Sergeant. And now, my friends, farewell. Remember, a fortnight hence!"