The Gutfeld Monologues

by Greg Gutfeld

  December 23, 2014

  This is pretty amazing: After the cold-blooded murder of those two police officers, a poll of the press revealed what they believe is the top story of the year: police killing blacks. I wonder if they could see any cause and effect in their overblown reporting that might have led to the deaths of these minority officers. I’m probably overstating it, in that question—I don’t know. I just remember the endless coverage that portrayed law enforcement as evil and lawless. Could that have had unforeseen consequences? I remain, as always, wondering.

  An AP poll of the U.S. press asks for their top story of the year. They chose police killings of blacks. Not Ebola, not ISIS, not a missing airplane and its 227 people. The police killings of blacks. I call that bad timing, but it’s also the media completing its self-fulfilling premise. This is how it works. You take something awful and claim it reflects an epidemic; when the facts refute, you resist, because you dig the excitement of antagonism.

  Then comes the looting, the assaults, and now murder. Who built that? Such incidents are stories, but the media shaped them into an indictment creating an exaggerated narrative that endangered cops.

  Is it any wonder the press is currently about as trusted and respected in this country as a Russian hedge fund? Their approval numbers are hovering somewhere near scurvy. Scurvy is bad, right?

  And now that cops are making fewer arrests to protect their own lives, CNN asked if crime could spike.

  What are you talking about?

  Isn’t that what you wanted—a stunted police?

  This kills me: You have a network that has played the police brutality song over and over, and now acts shocked and worried that the police are skittish about doing their job.

  Now that’s what you have. The media also wonders if the killings would derail protests. Shut up. The cop killings derail something far nobler—the cops’ lives.

  See, for the media, protest is their pal, for it allows them to slam law enforcement as a proxy for America itself—it’s the leftover habit from college.

  Fact is, the police save more minority lives every year, and the communities value their presence. You remember the Public Enemy song “911 Is a Joke”?

  About how cops wouldn’t come to black neighborhoods?

  Now they do.

  And they’re despised for that as well. Funny how the left created the term “hate speech,” yet they’re the ones who mastered it.

  This makes me wonder: What is “hate speech,” really? The left sees it as speech that hurts people, I guess. But what about language that encourages violence against a group of people? By that definition, the media’s treatment of law enforcement is textbook hate speech—for it contributed to a climate that led to the deaths of young officers—minority officers—just doing their job.

  April 21, 2015

  This monologue focuses on reformers trying to get the New York City police to swear less, tell fewer jokes—as if this is our biggest problem. Sorry, if you’re not swearing and telling crude jokes, I don’t think you qualify as a New Yorker. I get it—bigotry has no place in the force—but have they seen the force? It’s more diverse than the cast of This Is Us, or the staff of any newspaper or left-wing cable network that criticizes them.

  The feds overseeing police reforms have this advice for New York cops—don’t be racist, don’t be sexist, don’t be jerks.

  Finally, now crime will vanish!

  So another bureaucracy lectures a group of men and women who have saved more life than airbags have—and I include Al Sharpton in that. These guys have risked their lives daily and they are told now to watch their language.

  That’s like going up to a nurse in the ER and saying, “You know, darling, you should get your hair done.”

  By the way, have you seen the police force lately? Minority is the majority. It’s a well-armed Benetton ad.

  I need a new description besides “Benetton Ad.” Does Benetton even exist?

  So we have marches for every color but blue. The only time you see some appreciation is at the cop’s funeral. Strange that it’s only the police force where a few bad apples are cast as the norm.

  Have the feds ever lectured the Crips on manners? What about extremist imams?

  Now this new advice comes after a story emerged this morning in the papers, about a creep who raped a woman in a New York City bar. The rapist still roams free, and the feds are busy chasing mean jokes.

  The fact is, most slime arrested for such crimes would be in jail much longer if it weren’t for a court system that has more cases than it can handle, mainly due to arrests for regulatory crimes.

  So instead of solving those crimes, the feds prefer to slam the decorum of the world’s best and most integrated police force.

  But it’s not about words. It’s about cops forced to chase smokers and taillights, instead of rapists. If I were a cop, I’d be swearing, too.

  In retrospect, I can’t even believe this was a thing. What a perfect distillation of an administration’s elevation of feelings over results, of regulation over reality. It’s a miracle there’s anything left for the adults to build on.

  April 30, 2015

  The short-term effect of demonizing the police: The police stop policing. The rebound effect: The public wonders what the hell happened to law and order. How Hillary did not see this as an opportunity to distance herself from the far left is beyond me—wasn’t she supposed to be a canny political thinker? Instead, Trump had that turf all to himself, which underlines a core theme: If the police favor a candidate more than another, you want to be that candidate. If the cliché is that people vote with their pocketbooks, it stands to reason they vote the safety of those pocketbooks, too.

  On Monday we watched as Baltimore police retreated from the rioters, making stores bull’s-eyes for bandits. Then, a baseball game was played to no one, so no one would get hurt.

  Here is the mayor of Baltimore explaining why a game was played to no fans.

  STEPHANIE RAWLINGS-BLAKE, MAYOR OF BALTIMORE: I think in the heat of a state of emergency, every decision that’s made is going to be scrutinized. The Orioles wanted to make sure that they were able to continue to play. We had to make sure that we protected our police resources, so the best decision based on what was available was made.

  Those empty stands were an empty stand.

  For such appeasement energizes those who pretend to champion the underclass when, in fact, they seek destruction. This is not about race, but radicals. Forget facts; they want friction. Radical idiocy abounds. You can’t call a thug a thug, but you can call the police an occupying force.

  This leads to imitators in New York blocking tunnels and traffic. Who does this hurt really? The man? Please, you’re only hurting people trying to get home from work. But activists don’t care. They’re in this for themselves.

  Sure, a Baltimore CVS burns, but if you get your pills at a Brooklyn store, who really cares? They claim the protest was in solidarity, but with whom? The folks whose buildings burned? The people who lost the senior center? The stadium vendors who lost business?

  The solidarity was with other cretins who treat black suffering as a nighttime hobby. Shouting at cops is their aerobic anthem, recorded for ego-stroking playback in their comfy, well-lit dorm.

  Protest is, for the left, their most effective group therapy.

  Fanning the destruction—just to say they were there, these are the casual collaborators of minority pain. They don’t suffer the outcome. Their buildings don’t burn, but they get a neat story to tell their friends back home.

  You wanna hear a funny story about how TV works when the narrative doesn’t? I had a close friend appear on Larry Wilmore’s show—when he had one on Comedy Central—and one of the topics was about how street gangs banded together to protect stores from being looted during the rioting. It was a feel-good story for the myopic liberal. During the segment, when Wilmore mentioned how great it was that gangs got along better than our own political pa
rties, my good friend pointed out that the story wasn’t nearly that wholesome. The gangs did indeed dissuade looters from looting black stores—by pointing the criminals instead toward destroying other businesses, owned by other races. Which they did. That entire section was excised from the show.

  May 8, 2015

  As I read these monologues, now, three years later, I can’t believe how we tolerate the media bias against cops to unfold. We had a media/academic/entertainment complex all but sanctioning the hatred of police. And then the killings start, and they go silent. Or worse, defend the killers!

  Today is the funeral for New York police officer Brian Moore, who was shot dead last week. On Monday, this Monday, National Police Week starts to show appreciation for all of our fallen officers. It’s needed now more than ever because, unlike cop activists, cop supporters have jobs.

  So we must try harder to thank the police, because they won’t be asking for it. It was just months ago that ghouls demanded dead cops.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What do we want?

  Here we play the video of a group chanting.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE/FEMALE: Dead cops.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: When do we want them?

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE/FEMALE: Now.

  Mission accomplished, you dirtbags. What is happening to police is what happened to businesses decades ago, activists smearing entire enterprises with isolated events—car companies, drug companies. You can’t think of the oil industry without thinking of oil spills. This tactic is now applied to police.

  The point: The police are now targeted like all the other so-called evil monolithic goliaths that compose the greatest country in history. It’s all part of the same attack. The barfbags who demonize the military or “big business” are the same ones who apply the smear to law enforcement. It’s an ideological strategy to dismantle a country. (Until, of course, they have to call the cops when someone steals their backpack.)

  Fact, in New York City, the number of people fatally shot by police has dropped 90 percent since the 1970s. But yet, they are the bad guys. No spotlight on gangs, or their black victims. To point that out would be racist. Condemning crime is condemning a lifestyle. Even with Baltimore’s police mug shots, both black and white, the dukes of division make it about race. For this is really about subversion. Forget big business now. If you bring down the cops, you bring down society. That’s the goal of the agitator, who has an edge over you. For while you go to work, the agitator has no such commitment. This is all that they do.

  This is an important point: Does no one in the media ever wonder why a demonstration by “activists” is so well attended on a Wednesday afternoon?

  So how do we stop that? Why not give them what they want? I call it the police exemption pass. If you hate cops, then ask for a pass that says, “Under no circumstances will the police ever assist you.” It’s a “do not resuscitate” for radicals. Getting them to live by their actual words. I mean, why would you want to be saved by the people you want dead? The cops have a duty to protect you, but do you have the guts to refuse it?

  This is one of my absurd ideas. And sadly, no one took me up on it. Is there a way to disconnect the 911 system for the Antifa members and the media elite who love them? How about for all of Hollywood and NY’s Upper West Side? I know that’s a terrible idea, but if you can’t posit terrible ideas in books written while drinking, where else can you posit them? And can we please ban the word “posit”? I don’t even know how I started using it. It sounds like the perfect name for an acne medication.

  May 14, 2015

  I love stories that have a happy ending. My version of a happy ending is the ventilation of a creep, of course!

  For the last few days a sick creep has roamed New York City attacking women with a hammer. Yesterday, he assaulted a female cop, and her partner filled him with lead. Nice. Here’s Police Chief Bratton.

  BILL BRATTON, NYPD COMMISSIONER: These officers had no chance to call for assistance. . . . The whole incident that you will see took about three seconds from start to finish. During that, the officer O’Rourke was attempting to call on her radio as she was being struck and fell to the ground, her partner officer, making a literally split-second decision to save her life, shot the suspect, seriously wounding him. Again, I want to commend both officers for their alertness and their behavior during the performance of this incident.

  So why are we covering this? Well, FNC must balance the other networks’ obsession with police misconduct. After all, who stopped this fiend? Not a student activist stinking of bong water, or a CNN hack in fake glasses full of faux concern. Two beat cops did, and they didn’t hesitate for fear of outrage. Do you think Sharpton or your typical social justice screamer would have stopped this guy? Those cops did more in three seconds than they will do in a lifetime. It reveals who stands between you and the world’s worst threats. Could you ever handle that job, Mayor de Blasio? No, you’re busy staining the country on a self-promoting tour, touting history’s failures as new ideas.

  Here’s tape of the jackass:

  BILL DE BLASIO, NEW YORK CITY MAYOR: We pledge to reach out all over the country to hundreds and hundreds of our fellow progressives and start a movement that would reach all the way here to Washington, D.C., and make an impact, so we could finally address income inequality.

  They say everything is bigger in Texas, but New York has the biggest boob, and it’s this guy.

  He’s worse than Mayor McCheese. If he only knew the thin blue line separates us from the horribles.

  Speaking of, the attacker was a schizophrenic with many violent arrests, a pile of weapons, and a public passion for blood-dripping hammers.

  He was allowed to roam the streets like a lion loose in a playground.

  Until we rebuild our institutions for the mentally ill, such attacks will repeat and the only people who will stop them are the cops maligned for their fearlessness. That’s true bravery, which in the face of easy criticism and outright insanity might be called senseless.

  To counterbalance all the negative press cops were getting in 2015, you’d need a twenty-four-hour cable channel just reporting incidents like these. Something tells me that sort of thing would be a hit.

  But again—not in Hollywood or in New York’s tonier neighborhoods. In fact, not in any neighborhood dominated by Pilates addicts who go to book clubs in their yoga pants. That line was in no way directed at a specific person . . . who may or may not be on The Five.

  September 10, 2015

  This is an amazing story. God, I love doing this book! It reminds me of how vile and stupid so many in the media are.

  BuzzFeed, the website devoted to lists about which bean you look like, decided to address the sensitive issues of policing with a video called “Men Try on a Police Uniform,” where thoughtful beta bros dress up as cops, then comment on their feelings. It will make your brain puke. Here’s a sample from the video:

  Note: The unidentified males are actors in the video. I don’t differentiate them, because they’re essentially all the same monotonous bozos who I hope are still unemployed and eating canned soup in a shared bathroom. So when you read these quotes below, remember, they are wearing police uniforms and telling you how they feel as they see themselves in a mirror. Enjoy.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Honestly, I see jerk before I see hero. And that sucks.

  Seriously, eff this guy.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The fashion sensibility of being a police officer seems like it would be sort of a weird burden to deal with. You know, how do you carry yourself like a cop? What does a cop stand like?

  Not like you, you douchebag.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We could look at this police officer and feel safer, but I look at myself now, it makes me a little uncomfortable and skittish, if anything. Especially because it’s me.

  You should simply jump off a cliff.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Seeing this reflection of myself, I want to turn away from myself.

  I would, too, if I were yo
u, you pointless piece of emasculated shit.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: To see myself in this uniform feels like a joke. And you realize that there’s guys who get up and look in a mirror like this every single morning, and it’s not a joke.

  You’re the joke. I hope no police officer ever helps you in your time of need. But they will.

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I feel like I understand why people run away from these guys.

  Christ, were these idiots raised by plankton?

  UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We can resolve our problems without resorting to this.

  How much you wanna bet these jerkwads call the police when they find a spider in their futon? I don’t think I could hate any person more than whoever wrote this shit.

  These creeps make Barney Fife sound like the Terminator. No wonder the Chinese are militarizing. These idiots will make good house servants someday, if they can master Mandarin!

  What a stinking pile of rotting garbage. You know why these guys felt bad about wearing the uniforms? Because they lack the guts. To them it’s like dressing up as an astronaut on Halloween. Donning the apparel was amusing, precisely because it disconnected from their nonexistent skill set.

  For these tools, dressing up is easier than showing up. They couldn’t even wear a cop uniform as strippers at a bachelorette party. The girls wouldn’t buy it, because they’re not men but boys withering under the heft of responsibility.

  It’s not really us versus the police, but cops versus pampered, coddled, clueless media hacks with no concept of how the world works.