Kiss Like a Fist_A Paranormal Harem Pulp Novel

by Jake Richter

  Ash immediately began searching the room.

  “Hey, take it easy,” he said.

  She looked back. “Like I’m going to make it more of a mess.”

  She pulled up his mattress and rifled through a set of drawers.

  “Ah-ha!” she exclaimed, holding up a small cigar box. She opened the lid on the box and removed the cartouche.

  “Do you know what this is?” Ash said.

  “My grandfather’s cartouche. The one you gave me. How did you know where I kept it?”

  “What I know could blow your mind, and trust me, I need you intact. And this is much more than just a cartouche. It’s a key.”

  “To what?”

  “Most likely the Otherworld if what your grandfather told me is correct.”

  She handed the cartouche to Alex. He rubbed it gently, then found a chain to thread it onto before looping it around his neck. It made him think of his grandfather.

  He smiled, then watched as Ash held up his iPad, staring at it quizzically. “It’s rare that I get a chance to play with technology from your world.”

  He kept a close eye and chuckled with her as she watched the screen display Candy Crush and was absorbed by the fun graphics while bopping her head to the music.

  Ash set the iPad down and picked up the framed photo of Alex’s grandparents, smiling in better times. She read the names on the photo. “Alexander Archer Senior and Cassie Turner Archer.”

  “That’s them,” Alex replied. “Basically the only parents I ever knew.”

  In the photo, Alex’s grandfather had on a short black-brimmed fedora and horn-rimmed glasses and sported a goatee. He looked like a total badass even though in the picture he was sixty-two years old. Alex’s grandmother was a beautiful lady who had aged well. Her plump cheeks and soft smile exuded warmth, but her icy blue stare showed a toughness and perseverance.

  Ash’s eyes went wide. “Gods!”

  “What? What is it?”

  “Look. don’t you see, in his glasses. There’s a reflection!”

  Alex looked at the photo but didn’t see anything aside from his grandparents posing together against the backdrop of a cornfield.

  “What? I don’t really see anything.”

  Ash drew her fingers across the photo and the images undulated, growing larger as if Alex was looking at them under a magnifying glass. “Look closer,” she said.

  Alex did and noticed something he hadn’t seen before.

  A reflection in his grandfather’s glasses.

  A stark building with a spire rising up out of it. He had a faint memory of seeing it before, but where?

  “That’s a church,” Ash said.

  Alex scratched his head. “Which is weird, because he wasn’t really a spiritual person.”

  Ash nodded. “He said he never went to church.”

  “But my grandmother always did.”

  “Don’t you see,” Ash said, smiling. “He gave you this photo for a reason. The church may be the clue we need.”

  She pointed to the cartouche. “We’ve got the key, and now we know where to go.”

  “To the church?”

  Ash nodded. “Isn’t it clear?”

  “What’s the opposite of clear?” Alex asked. “’Cause that’s what I’m feeling right now.”

  Ash placed her hands on Alex’s shoulders. “You have to trust me on this one, Alex. Your grandfather loved to, in his words, keep his cards close to his chest.”

  “Sounds like something he’d say.”

  Ash smiled. “Before he vanished he told me that if ever anything happened, I was to look for the clues that are hidden in plain sight. That I was to find a place he wouldn’t have set foot in.”

  Alex turned his gaze back to the photo, to the church.

  “Do you know where that church is?”

  Alex shook his head. “But my grandmother probably does.”

  “Where is she?”

  “Northern Illinois.”

  Ash placed a finger on the photo and whispered something under her breath that sounded like a prayer to Alex. “There are no coincidences.” She swapped looks with Alex. “This was meant to be, Alex. And your grandfather knew it! If we get the right pieces together and do it fast, we can end this before anyone gets hurt.”

  Alex glanced at Ash’s wrist, to the tattoo which was slowly vanishing. More of the ink had melted away.

  “We’re running out of time,” Alex said.

  “Less than six days now. But we can do this. If we can track your grandfather, we can find him and locate the sickle. The most important thing is to get to your grandmother. We’ve got a day, maybe less, because if and when Grimwood becomes aware of her, she’ll be in great danger.”

  Alex felt like he was on the verge of a mental meltdown. If what Ash said was true, it was just the two of them. Two against the forces of darkness and the utter annihilation of the entire, fucking planet. They needed backup, reinforcements. He immediately thought about Spence, one of the few people in his life he could trust, at least some of the time.

  There was a knock at the door.

  Alex flinched. “Who is it?”

  “You know who,” Giselle said in a sing-songy voice.

  Ash shook her head, whispering, “We can’t be too careful now. If Grimwood knows where we are, he may have sent a familiar or two to track us down.”

  “Familiar?”

  She nodded. “Somebody that he’s turned.”

  Another knock. This time louder.

  Alex wheeled around, ready to tell Giselle to piss off when the door exploded from its hinges.

  11

  The door flew past Alex, who shrieked and rolled across his bed.

  He elbowed himself up as Giselle, or what used to be Giselle, lumbered into the room, screaming, “Time to join us! And we aren’t taking no for an answer!”

  Giselle was completely naked and holding her whip. Her face was screwed up in a look of agony or ecstasy (Alex couldn’t tell which), and she was stroking her erect nipples while grinning lasciviously at Alex.

  “I heard you’ve been keeping secrets from me, Alex.” She stabbed a crooked finger in his direction. “A little birdy told me you were a very talented bartender. Not only can you serve drinks with the best, but you know how to locate things. Very, very precious things.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Alex replied, holding up his hands.

  “You are such a fucking liar!” Giselle screamed, loud enough to shatter the nearby window. “We want the sickle!”

  Alex crabbed back next to Ash who was without her Bitch Killer gun.

  “We’re gonna need you to step aside, whore,” Ash said calmly.

  Giselle squared up on Ash. “And if I don’t?”

  “I’m gonna move you.”

  Giselle grinned, opening her mouth to reveal that her teeth had somehow morphed into fangs. She licked her lips and charged while throwing a haymaker at Ash who did two things almost at once: she ducked under Giselle’s punch and grabbed one of Alex’s sporting trophies.

  Sliding to a stop, Giselle pivoted and—

  WHAM!

  Ash planted the top of the trophy, a metal figurine of a kid hitting a baseball, right in the middle of her forehead.

  Giselle squealed in pain, clawing at the trophy as blood geysered all over the room.

  Giselle yanked it free along with a large flap of flesh and grinned. “Oh, I like it rough!”

  “Then you’re gonna love this!” Ash replied.

  In one swift movement, Ash violently jump-kicked Giselle through the shattered window.

  “GIVE GRIMWOOD MY REGARDS!” Ash yelled as Giselle’s cries rose and then fell followed by a sickening, wet thud!

  “HOLY HELL!” Alex said, reeling.

  “Ain’t nothin’ holy about that ho’!” Ash replied.

  Alex vaulted to the window and saw Giselle’s body splattered on the streets below like an overripe tomato.

  “Guess I�
�m not getting my security deposit back.”

  Ash shrugged. “She had it coming.”

  There was more noise coming from downstairs. Alex and Ash could hear the loud approach of the other participants in Giselle’s naughty reindeer sex games.

  Ash grabbed a second trophy and lobbed a third to Alex. “Thank me later!”

  Ash led Alex out into the hallway where they spotted three forms at the other end: Frank, Lance, and Libby.

  The first one to approach was Libby.

  The trio’s faces and bodies had warped. They had talons instead of fingers and their eyes glowed like candles at the bottom of a cave. They dragged their talons along the walls as they approached Alex and Ash.

  “Where’s Giselle?” Frank asked.

  “She had an appointment,” Alex replied.

  Libby hissed. “With what?”

  “The sidewalk,” Ash said, raising her trophy.

  Libby and Frank traded looks and then the three figures rampaged forward.

  Ash hurled her trophy like a baseball, shattering Frank’s skull as he fell back. Then she leaped forward and threw a punch that obliterated Libby’s windpipe.

  Libby doubled over as Lance rocketed past Ash, throwing himself at Alex.

  The impact knocked Alex back. He landed on his side, the wind knocked from him, the trophy skittering out of his hand.

  Lance mounted Alex, smiling, a long rope of bloody drool dangling from his mouth. “I always wanted to see what you tasted like, Alex, and now I’ve got my chance!”

  Lance’s jaws opened wide, and Alex rolled sideways.

  He managed to avoid Lance for a moment, but he quickly recovered and swiped Alex, his claws gouging a slash across Alex’s neck. The chain on the cartouche severed and the cartouche itself skittered across the floor. Blood flowed and Alex gritted his teeth. The pain was intense.

  He caught sight of Ash finishing off Libby, but knew he needed to get the cartouche. Lance had other ideas of course. Before Alex could reach it, Lance steamrolled toward him. Alex grabbed the trophy and bashed it across Lance’s head.

  The figurine split Lance’s scalp open, but the blow only stopped him for a moment.

  Suddenly, Alex felt a surge of warmth in his pocket. He reached down and withdrew the pearl that Ash had given him. It was glowing white, casting off a beautiful light.

  “Touch him with it!” Ash screamed.

  Lance turned and Alex rammed the pearl against his opponent’s chest—

  BOOM!

  Lance’s body was catapulted through the nearby wall.

  And kept on going.

  His entire body was rocketed through the drywall, studs, and exterior wall, leaving a body-shaped hole in his wake.

  The pearl stopped glowing and Alex looked up at Ash, and then at Libby who was lying on the ground, bent and broken.

  Alex held the pearl up. “Wow, this thing is—”

  “Fucking awesome, right?”

  Alex nodded, marveling at the pearl which he pocketed. Then he reached down and grabbed the cartouche.

  Ash grabbed his hand and the two quickly descended the stairs.

  Ash stopped in the foyer, listening to the sound of screams and sirens outside. She popped a black cigarette between her lips and offered one to Alex who deferred. “Those things will kill you!”

  Ash grinned, blowing a perfect circle of smoke.

  She opened the front door and pulled back a fist at the sight of Spence!

  “HEY! WAIT!” Spence said, throwing up his hands.

  Ash tensed, ready to swing. “Another one of Giselle’s playmates?”

  Alex grabbed Ash’s fist and pulled it down. “It’s my friend! It’s Spence!”

  A look of recognition washed over Ash. “Last night…in the club.”

  Alex hastily made the introductions and Spence, not surprisingly, didn’t believe a word of what Alex was saying until he spotted Giselle’s and Lance’s gory bodies lying on the street.

  Spence held up his hand. “May I ask the obvious? What in the actual motherfuck is going on?”

  “Long story,” Alex said.

  “Try me.”

  Alex stopped and looked Spence dead in the eyes. “Well, the quick and dirty is a powerful figure in the Underworld tried to stage a revolution, but my grandfather stole the one object that could solidify his spot as the top dog. Unfortunately, he hid it in a place where only he knows how to get to, and it’s up to us to find this Otherworld, get the sickle and save the day cause if we don’t it’s the end of the world as we know it in six days.”

  “Like the old REM song?” Spence asked.

  “Yeah, but much, much worse.”

  Spence chewed on his lips. “So what do we do?”

  “You don’t do anything,” Ash said, grabbing Alex by the arms. “This is a matter that only Alex and I can handle.”

  “Fuck that,” Spence said. “If Alex is going on some suicide mission, then I’m coming with.”

  Ash spun Alex around. “This is a huge mistake. The chubby one cannot come with us.”

  Alex shook his head, thinking back on what he’d contemplated only a few moments before. If they were going to try and outwit Dante and whatever other nightmarish things might be looking for the sickle, they’d need reinforcements. Spence was present, loyal, and besides, he was a gun nut who was well-versed in all manner of weaponry, which Alex thought might come in handy. “The chubby one has to come,” Alex said.

  “What do I get if I help?”

  Ash shot him a look. “How do you feel about sex? With a lot of women?”

  Spence raised a finger. “Um, I’m all in favor of it.”

  “Good, you can come then.”

  “Oh, I plan to,” Spence replied with a smirk. “Multiple times.”

  Ash frowned and pointed down the street. A police foot detail was visible outside of Alex’s place. They were peering at Giselle’s and Lance’s bodies. Then they looked in Alex’s direction.

  A few heartbeats, and then Alex, Ash, and Spence ran to the Challenger.

  12

  … It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine.

  Alex was surprised to hear the REM song pounding through the Challenger’s speakers as the muscle car tore down the city streets, and he wondered whether it might be a good omen. Bartender by day, protector of the world by night! he thought, a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips. If only my grandfather could see me now.

  Alex shifted his gaze to Ash. She was next to him, chillaxing with the seat way back, soaking in the changing scenery.

  Alex continued driving from the heart of the city towards the waterfront. The whole area looked like it had been frozen in the early 1980s, featuring old-school laundromats, sketchy thrift shops, and several bodegas that sold videos, books, and gear for adults only.

  All the while, Alex savored glances of Ash’s long tanned legs. His vision and imagination moved upward between her strong thighs, visually caressing her smooth skin until he reached the outline of her inner lips, Alex eager to taste Ash’s honeysuckle sweetness.

  Alex felt Ash’s gaze on him. He turned, and Ash smiled while whispering, “Thinkin’ about how to get into my world?”

  Alex’s blushed and looked away from Ash’s smoldering green eyes. “Um, yeah, your ‘world’?”

  She nodded. “Through the portals I mean. They’re what we call our walkways or gateways to the different worlds.”

  “Like doors?”

  “Kinda. They’re also the reason we call humans ‘heartbeats’ in our world. Because the portals, the doorways to the Otherworld, are shaped like human hearts. They open and shut only twice a day though. And that’s why we call you heartbeats, because when we come to reap humans, we only have one heartbeat to get to this world and one heartbeat to get you out of the world.”

  Alex’s brow furrowed. “So these openings to the Underworld, anyone can get through?”

  “Ironically, anyone without a heartbeat. Meaning a living human c
ould go through, but they’d have to be chosen or protected.

  “So my grandfather?”

  “Was pretty damn special.”

  Alex digested that for the moment. Wow. I actually feel like I’m following in my grandfather’s footsteps. I mean, maybe not exactly but he was looking for a new world and ended up being part of a whole new one that he didn’t know existed. And if Ash is right about all of this, maybe we can find some answers from my grandmother, and yeah, we might be able to do this! Find out what happened to my grandfather and get the sickle.

  “Stop!” Ash shouted.

  Alex was jolted out of his thought bubble and slammed on the brakes. The Challenger skidded to a stop as the smell of burnt rubber wafted through the air. The street was an asphalt artery that had seen better days.

  “We’re here,” Ash said.

  “Next time just say ‘we’re here’ without the ‘stop’ drama.”

  “I’m keeping you on your toes.”

  “I think I’ve been on my toes since the first couple demons tried to kill me. Facing death is instant caffeine.”

  “It’s also a strength builder. Believe it or not, the pearl I gave you is making you stronger. Reflexes, coordination, building on what you have. By the end of this ordeal, you should be able to handle anything.”

  “Should?”

  “Your grandfather was extraordinary. My guess is that you are too. If you are, when the time is right, you should be pretty damn special yourself.”

  Alex smiled. “You believe it.”

  “I wouldn’t have brought you to my home base if I didn’t.”

  Alex scanned the streets outside. “This is home?”

  He glanced outside, studying the desolate industrial area. There were several construction companies, a printing shop, a pawn store, a grungy takeout joint advertising fried fish, and…a Radio Shack.