Kiss Like a Fist_A Paranormal Harem Pulp Novel

by Jake Richter

Alex looked at the ground and then Aunt Esther tapped his shoulder and pointed to several lengths of pale PVC pipe jutting up out of the ground.

  “How are we gonna get down?”

  Aunt Esther took a long drag from her cigar. “You gotta know where to knock.”

  She moved over, searching the ground, following a trail only she could see. Alex watched her drop to her haunches and study several spots on the ground and then she finally stopped, laid a hand on the ground, and brushed something aside. She pulled back a heavy brass knocker and rapped loudly several times.

  When nobody responded, she grabbed a handful of dried cornstalks and lit them on fire with her cigar. These she dropped down several of the sections of pipe. “That oughta do it!”

  They waited silently and then Alex felt a tremor underfoot. Soon there were shouts and the sound of footfalls and then the ground opened up.

  A concealed hatch of some kind was shoved open and out lumbered a broad-shouldered man in his sixties, bald as an egg, who was dressed in dust-covered clerical garb and clutching a sawed-off shotgun. He flinched at the sight of Alex and the others, particularly when he spotted Aunt Esther with her cigar and Ash with her Bitch Killer gun.

  “You’re trespassing,” the bald man said.

  “We’re in trouble,” Alex said. He removed his cellphone and swiped a few screens before settling on photos of his grandmother and grandfather.

  There was recognition in the bald man’s eyes as he took in the images of Alex’s grandmother and grandfather, but he quickly turned away. “I’m sorry, but you have to—”

  “It’s me, Pastor Bob,” Aunt Esther said. “It’s Esther.”

  The bald man lowered the gun and squinted at Esther. “My God…Esther…how long?”

  “You had a full head of hair the last time I saw you,” she said, extinguishing her cigar. “That’s how long ago it was.”

  “Where have you been?”

  “Fighting some personal demons.”

  Pastor Bob swallowed hard. “And now?”

  “We’re fighting some different kinds of demons, sir,” Ash said.

  “We were hoping you might have some information, pastor,” Alex said.

  “Information relating to what?” Pastor Bob replied.

  “The Otherworld,” Aunt Esther said.

  Pastor Bob paled and cast furtive glances in every direction. “Hurry up. Follow me and watch your step.”

  Alex followed the others down a set of metal stairs that had been built into a bunker in the ground. Pastor Bob snapped on several lights, closed the hatch and then led everyone down more stairs, going deeper underground.

  “This used to be a military installation back in the fifties,” Pastor Bob said. “We bought it in the mid-sixties.”

  “Who’s we?” Alex asked.

  “The members of the church.”

  He signaled for everyone to follow him down the stairs. Alex looked over at Ash. “Wanna know the last time I went to church?”

  “Never,” she replied.

  Alex touched his nose and nodded.

  “That’s cause you’re a heathen,” Aunt Esther said with a grin. “But you’d best abandon what you think you know about this church. Keep an open mind, because this is going to be a brand new experience.”

  They descended the stairs, moving through the semi-darkness to a pair of double doors. Pastor Bob shouldered them open to reveal a long corridor that was dotted with a series of religious statues and figurines, including holy men and women captured in stone, their faces frozen in aguish, arms raised to the ceiling.

  “Looks just like I remember it,” Aunt Esther commented.

  “What happened to them?” Spence pointed to the statues.

  “They’re reminders,” Aunt Esther replied. “Replicas of the ones who crossed over. Pain in this life. Eternal bliss in the next.”

  They moved to the end of the corridor and down a ramp where they stopped in front of a slab of polished metal. On the other side of the door Alex heard a few whirs and clicks.

  “It’s an old church, old ways, but if memory serves they always tried to keep up with the times,” Aunt Esther whispered.

  Alex smiled. “You’re sounding awfully lucid, Aunt Esther.”

  Aunt Esther laughed. “Lucidity wasn’t my offense. But talking about other worlds, demons and the like, well, that’ll get you an express ticket to the crazy farm.”

  The sound of movement from above forced everyone to look up. It was a device the size of a CCTV camera mounted near the top of the metal slab.

  “What’s a retina scanner doing in a church?” Spence asked.

  Aunt Esther grinned. “I keep trying to tell ya, this ain’t your normal kind of church.”

  A beam of red light issued from the scanner and swept over Pastor Bob’s eyes.

  A red light flashed green and the door groaned and then swung to the left, revealing what looked like a tunnel hewn into the ground. The walls and ceiling were stone and there was a string of lights that provided illumination.

  “Welcome,” Pastor Bob said. “This is the Prelature of the Order.”

  “We used to call it just The Order,” Aunt Esther said.

  Alex was amazed. “What is this place?”

  Pastor Bob looked back. “An offshoot of the Catholic Church. Think of it as…Opus Dei on steroids.”

  Spencer was baffled. “Opus delight?”

  Aunt Esther clarified, “It’s an organization devoted to overseeing and controlling the overlap of the physical and supernatural worlds.”

  Pastor Bob led the team cautiously and they advanced through the tunnel which eventually opened into an impressive space that resembled an underground cathedral. They passed a chapel complete with a small sacristy illuminated by rows of votives. Next to this was a niche filled with men and women who were strapped to chairs, trembling, speaking gibberish while being watched over by men in clerical garb.

  “What are they doing?” Spence asked.

  Aunt Esther stepped next to Alex with hushed tones. “I do believe they’re attempting to communicate with souls.”

  Alex pressed. “Souls from the Underworld?”

  Ash shook her head. “Doubtful. I’ve heard about places like this. Places where mortals try to converse with those from the Underworld who’ve passed on, but I don’t recognize what they’re saying.”

  “How could you?” Pastor Bob asked.

  “Because I speak a variety of languages.”

  Pastor Bob’s eyes widened. He looked from Ash to her gun and then to Minnie and Camille. “Who are you? Who are you really?”

  “I’m Ash. That’s Camille and Minnie.”

  “What do you do, Ash?” Pastor Bob asked.

  “I transport things.”

  “What kinds of things?”

  Ash pointed to the people trembling in the chairs. “The kinds of things that those people in there are trying to talk to.”

  Pastor Bob made a motion over his chest as if he were making the sign of the cross. He turned and Alex and the others followed him to an object in the middle of the room.

  A stone fountain full of gurgling water that was lit by an eerie violet light.

  “This is it,” Esther said, gasping. “This is the well where the messages come in.”

  Alex peered into the water and was surprised that even though the water was clear, he couldn’t see the bottom of the well. Suddenly, something fluttered up to the top of the water, what looked like four letters fashioned from white shaving cream.

  Pastor Bob leaned down, studying the letters. He used a small metal hook to rearrange the letters into a single word: HELP.

  “This happens all day and all night,” Pastor Bob said.

  “What is it?”

  “Messages from the great beyond. Most of it doesn’t make sense, but every once in a while, something of great value comes through. Your grandfather was able to send a few to us but we haven’t had anything in the past few days. I don’t know what that m
eans, but I wanted you to know.”

  Alex took that in. “He may not have been able to communicate anymore. It’s possible, right?”

  Ash nodded, but she didn’t look too confident.

  “Come, let’s go this way.” Pastor Bob pointed to another door which hissed open to reveal a hi-tech space filled with computer equipment, monitors, and all manner of communications gear.

  A man stood at the center of the room, his back to Alex and the others. He was in his late-fifties, tall with a shock of black hair, wearing a tight long-sleeved pewter shirt, and was shadowed by two thick-necked guards who were dressed in black shirts and khaki pants. He looked less like a religious man than someone you might see overseeing covert military operations.

  “Greetings,” the tall man said, flashing a smile. “To what do we owe this honor?”

  “They’re in trouble, Father Coats,” Pastor Bob said.

  The tall man, Father Coats, smiled. “Aren’t we all?”

  “There’s someone after us, sir,” Alex said. “A thing called Grimwood.”

  Father Coats’s gaze roamed over Alex and stopped on Aunt Esther. “My God is that…Esther?”

  Aunt Esther smiled. “I’m back. And I brought my nephew Alex and his friends here because this Grimwood fella has kidnapped Cassie.”

  “Cassie Archer?” Father Coats asked.

  Aunt Esther nodded. “There’s a rumor going around that Alex has stolen a sickle.”

  “What kind of sickle?”

  “The kind that could destroy the universe,” Ash offered.

  Father Coats took this in, nodding, seemingly deep in contemplation. “Where is the sickle?”

  “Most likely in what we call the Otherworld.”

  “And so…what? You expect us to go in and retrieve this sickle for you?”

  Alex shook his head. “We were hoping you could just point us in the right direction. We’ll do the rest.”

  Father Coats and Pastor Bob traded a quick look. Then Father Coats moved over and placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “You do understand what you’re asking us to do, don’t you son?”

  Alex nodded. “My grandfather always said, when one door closed, another one opens…”

  Father Coats motioned for Alex and the others to move over and then he pushed a red button as the floor groaned and then began moving down.

  Alex peered at his feet to see that everyone was standing on a metal lift that was powering down into the ground.

  They traveled for several minutes, watching the stone and earth walls shift past until they came to a stop in front of a Suburban SUV that was facing the mouth of a dark cavern.

  Father Coats pointed to the SUV and cavern. “Matthew sixteen, verse eighteen says ‘on this rock, I will build my church, and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it.’ The reason, of course, is that we’ve built this church inside a structure that rested on top of it…one of the entrances to the other side.”

  Ash smiled. “So this is it then, huh? This is the entrance into the Otherworld.”

  Father Coats nodded. “This is as far as I or any of our people go. Nobody has ever gone down into that cavern and come back.”

  “Nobody before us,” Alex said.

  Father Coats smiled. “You’re just like your grandmother, Alex.”

  Father Coats lifted a set of keys for the Suburban and tossed them to Alex. “God be with you.”

  They entered the SUV, with Ash seated in the passenger seat, and Spence, Camille, and Minnie in the back.

  Aunt Esther remained standing outside.

  “We’ve gotta move, Aunt Esther.”

  Aunt Esther smiled. “This old body only allows for so many adventures, Alexander. I got you where you needed to go. I think I’ll rest for a while.”

  “But Grimwood might be coming.”

  Aunt Esther nodded. “So be it. Besides, I’d kinda want a chance to meet the fella that kidnapped my sister.”

  “We can’t protect you.”

  “That’s okay. I can handle whatever that bastard dishes out.”

  Alex moved over and hugged Aunt Esther. Then he returned to the Suburban and drove down into the cave.

  27

  The Suburban shot down through the subterranean chute, slicing through layers of bedrock. Alex sighed as his ears popped and felt that everything he knew about the world he lived in was giving way to something brand new.

  The chute swerved to the left, then hooked to the right, the Suburban picking up speed until Alex had to tap the brakes and clench the wheel to keep the machine from sliding out of control.

  In minutes, they were rocketing down through the cavern, cutting through fog and mist and weird, arcing lights.

  There was a shimmer up ahead and Alex jammed on the brakes as the Suburban slid to a stop.

  Everyone exited the machine to see a titanic slab of polished stone blocking the road ahead.

  Alex moved forward and touched the slab, which was etched in strange runes and weird symbols and bathed in a constant blue supernatural haze.

  “Angelic speak,” Ash said, running a finger over the symbols. “The first language and it mentions the secret names of God.”

  “What does it mean?”

  She grinned. “It’s a kind of code. It’s the way in.”

  Ash closed her eyes and began uttering an ear-shattering howl, repeating whatever words were scrawled on the slab of stone and then—

  WUNK!

  The slab vibrated and shifted aside to reveal an opening and a knoll that looked down over a valley, a vista of copper-colored dunes and forests of what appeared to be dead trees and upthrust rock.

  “Gods!” Ash exclaimed. “We made it! We actually made it into the Otherworld!”

  Alex couldn’t believe his eyes as he drove down over the knoll, the SUV shooting down the hardpacked earth. He saw a raised bed of what looked like ash that led to a

  primitive cityscape of shattered buildings.

  The city was surrounded by a wall and ringed by an orange river. In the distance were a series of hills and beyond that, a line of snow-capped mountains. Hovering in the air were little blobs of light that cast an eerie red light over everything.

  “I can’t believe we made it, amigo,” Spence said, holding up a hand that Alex fist-bumped.

  “Neither can I,” Alex replied.

  A scoff came from Ash. “That was the easy part, boys.”

  Spence’s face fell. “Please don’t tell me that.”

  “Now we have to stay alive and track down Alex’s grandfather.”

  Alex drove to the edge of the city, which was ringed by a wall made of scrap, stone, stacked mud and apparently whatever else could be cobbled together. There were several holes in the wall large enough for a vehicle to drive through. Figures were visible on the other side: men, women, and other forms that were decidedly non-humanoid.

  “Choose your madness,” Ash said.

  Alex looked back at Spence and the Belles who were sitting on the edge of their seats, gripping their weapons.

  “Let’s do this,” Alex said.

  He juiced the engine on the Suburban and drove through the closest hole in the wall. Alex stared outside at a dusty verge where people and misshapen creatures stumbled past. Everybody sported the kind of thousand-yard stares you might see in combat veterans.

  “What’s wrong with them?” Alex asked.

  Nobody had an answer.

  Ash suddenly pounded on the dashboard. “Stop the car!”

  Alex looked over. “What is it?”

  Ash pointed to a figure up ahead, a short slump-shouldered man in red overalls who was limping across the street. “I know him! I crossed him over!”

  Ash jumped out of the car and Alex watched her run up and grab the small man by the shoulder. The man turned and jumped several inches into the air. Ash held the man’s arm to keep him from running away and then they conversed for several seconds. Ash held up a hand and pointed to an alley.

  The a
lley was barely wide enough to allow the Suburban to pass but they drove in and parked anyway. Alex and the others exited and moved toward Ash. Alex stopped, noticing that the air carried the funk of burning wood. He could see the little man was squirming, whispering something to Ash that he couldn’t hear.

  “Thomas Pollard, meet the guys,” Ash said. “Guys, meet Thomas Pollard.”

  “I’m absolutely not pleased to meet any of ya,” the little man said.“Me and Thomas go way back,” Ash said.

  “You can go fuck yourself, Ashley, we’re in Otherworld. Your rules don’t matter.”

  Ash shook her head. “Watch it.”

  Thomas smiled, revealing a mouth of blackened teeth. “I’ve got nothing to fear from the lot of ya. Like I said, your rules and your powers don’t mean nothing down here.”

  Alex swapped looks with Ash. “Is that true?”

  “Well, sort of,” Ash replied. “See, the reason why souls flock here is because they know that they’re safe, at least from people like us, collectors sent from the Underworld to track them down.”

  “I don’t understand,” Spence said.

  “When you travel from the Underworld to the Otherworld, you make certain sacrifices,” Ash added.

  “You forfeit your powers,” Minnie added.

  Ash nodded. “The three of us, me, Minnie, Camille. The moment we entered the Otherworld we lost our special abilities.”

  “We’re basically mortal now,” Camille said.

  Ash grinned and pulled out her Bitch Killer. “Even though I’ve still got my bitch and my Belles. And we got you and Spence. So…”

  Spence turned and nodded, pointing at Thomas. “So don’t mess with us, man.”

  Alex moved closer to Thomas. “We’re looking for my grandfather. Have you seen him? He looks like an older version of me.”

  Thomas squinted at Alex. “I ain’t seen no kin of yours.”

  Alex shot a look at Thomas. “You’ve got ten seconds to tell us the truth.”

  “And if I do?” Thomas asked. “What’s in it for me?”

  “We won’t tell Grimwood where you are,” Ash said.

  Thomas’s face went wooden. “That’s a goddamn lie. Everyone knows that Grimwood ain’t got the goods on this place. He don’t know his way in.”