The Boyfriend Arrangement: A Fake Marriage Romance

by Lara Swann

  “Well, it’ll mean you’re actually civil to me for a week, which is a plus.” His grin widens. “And you’ll owe me a favor.”

  “Done!” I say quickly, before he can change his mind.

  It’s the best thing I could’ve thought of, and I get a small thrill of excitement as we clink glasses in agreement, downing the last of our drinks.

  Even more than just the thought of having a boyfriend to stave off the incessant comments and pressure, I realize I’m happy simply that Josh will be there, a friend to support me through the week with my family.

  “So, crisis solved then? I’m pretty good, huh?” Josh asks me as we stagger out of the bar, his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

  I lean into him, partly for balance, partly for warmth and partly because he smells good. Despite the large quantities of alcohol we’ve both consumed.

  I laugh at that, actually feeling light-hearted again now. “Ohh, the crisis has just started, but at least this way you’ll be there to solve it with me. And yeah, hun, you’re the best - so long as you still agree to this when you wake up sober tomorrow morning, anyway.”

  I squeeze his waist, momentarily serious in my appreciation.

  We talk shit at each other all the time, but this…this is the sort of moment that shows you who your friends are.

  Chapter Three

  Josh

  “You brought snacks! Best fake girlfriend ever.”

  Cassie laughs at me as I lean over into the backseat and pull the bag full of goodies onto my lap, rummaging around appreciatively. The stress in her expression seems to fade just a little and I smile to myself as I see it.

  We haven’t talked about this trip much in the last month or so - I’ve had a few auditions to prepare for, and Cassie was obviously filing it under ‘solved for now, do not think about’, which was fine by me.

  But the last-minute anxious “you’re still up for this, right?” text this morning made her mental state all too clear.

  “Six hours on the road with you, I figured I’d need something to distract you from annoying the hell out of me.” She gives me an easy smile, and I raise my head from where I’d been debating between a tuna or cheese sandwich. “Do try not to finish it all in the first hour - and save something for me if you possibly can, Josh.”

  “Hey, we’ve done road trips before and got on just fine.” I object, “Remember that trip to the Grand Canyon a few years back?”

  “Mmhmm - I remember you convincing me to swing by Las Vegas on the way back. Worst. Decision. Ever. Did you never wonder why we haven’t done one since?”

  I pause for a moment, my eyes narrowing at her as I try to work out whether she might actually be serious about that. That trip was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time.

  She laughs again at my expression, then nudges my arm. “Nah, it was great, Josh. Though I’m still not babysitting you in Las Vegas ever again.”

  “Isn’t getting stone drunk, losing all your money and falling into bed with women who only tell you they’re prostitutes afterward just part of the experience?” I ask with a grin.

  I select a cheese and ham sandwich and offering it across to Cassie.

  She waves it off. “We’ve not even gone two miles, Josh, I’ll wait a little.”

  I shrug and unwrap it for myself. “I didn’t have lunch, this is exactly what I need.”

  “You ‘ran out of time’ again?” She asks with laughing eyes. “I would’ve thought you’d prioritize food, at least - that usually ranks pretty highly for you.”

  I have a bad habit of being late to things. It’s something I’ve been trying to correct for years now - I’m pretty sure it comes from having so many projects on the go at once, and an unrelenting optimism that I can get them done quicker than I actually can. At least that’s the argument I’ve always used.

  “Yeah, Tony sent over a podcast he wanted my advice on, and then I saw a new role coming up in a B-list movie that’d be perfect for me, so I was looking into that…there are some things that even food can’t beat.” I grin at her, still excited about that opportunity. “Besides, it wouldn’t have been hard to stop off at some drive thru on the way out - though this is much better.”

  I gesture to the bag of food as she shakes her head at me. “And delay our journey before we’ve even begun? Even if I don’t really want to get there - if I’ve decided to go, I’d rather be on time.”

  “It’s LA traffic. We could probably drive through a fast food joint and come out the other side to reclaim our place in the stop-start mess.” I point out, then laugh. “I’d forgotten that you like every little stop to be planned in advance though - you’re right, we probably did annoy the hell out of each other on that trip.”

  I reach over and flick the top of her ear just to prove her right.

  I mean, when her reactions are so much fun, it shouldn’t be surprising that I enjoy provoking her.

  She pushes my hand away in irritation, giving a long-suffering sigh and rolling her eyes at me.

  “You know, that’s something you should cut out around my family. You’re meant to be sweet and affectionate, after all, not an annoying brother figure. My boyfriend wouldn’t do that.” She says pointedly.

  I laugh at the valiant attempt. “I’m doing you a favor, Cassie - doesn’t mean I’m playing some fantasy boyfriend for you or letting you pick and choose what you like about me.”

  “Such a pity.” She mutters, but she can’t quite hide the smile tugging at her lips.

  “Actually, that’s a point.” It suddenly occurs to me. “Do your family know about me already, as a friend? Please don’t tell me I’m going to have to pretend to be someone else entirely.”

  She shakes her head, sending me a sidelong glance. “No, I haven’t mentioned you at all. We don’t talk all that much and believe me…having a guy as my best friend? I’d never escape the questions.”

  I nod, not saying anything for a moment. It’s what I’d expected - and makes things easier. But for some reason hearing it out loud makes me feel a little strange.

  I haven’t mentioned you at all.

  What the hell does that mean? I try to shake it off, but it’s surprisingly hard. Which is ridiculous - I know I’m important in Cassie’s life. It doesn’t matter that she hasn’t mentioned me to the family she doesn’t even like - it’s obvious she values this friendship as much as I do.

  I get another moment of unease at that thought, knowing what I’m intending from this week.

  Playing Cassie’s boyfriend gives me the best opportunity I’ll probably ever have to show her what having one is like. And to see for myself what we’d be like together.

  Sure, I’ll piss off her family like she wants, but for her…I’ll make it real.

  And so fucking good that we won’t be talking about breaking up by the end of it.

  “You’re an actor, though, Josh. Pretending to be someone else is meant to be what you do. I thought we might go with that anyway.” Cassie continues, taking my silence as one of those lapses in conversation or lost-in-thought moments that happen easily between us.

  We’ve carried on conversations for days like that before, drifting in between topics or even not talking at all, until one of us brings the conversation back around to whatever we were in the middle of discussing.

  I raise an eyebrow in her direction, even though she’s only giving me the occasional glance. “And how long have you spent developing the persona for me to take on? Some of it depends on how well the character is written, you know. And since we’re trying to convince them of this, the more we base it in truth the better.”

  “Okay, okay. I guess you’ll be Josh, my boyfriend, then.”

  I nod and lapse into silence, partly distracted by the direction my thoughts had taken earlier, and partly by the sandwiches Cassie had made. She doesn’t really cook, but she can throw together snacks and food for lunch better than anyone I know. Probably because she pretty much survives on low-effort food.

&
nbsp; After we start pulling away from LA’s traffic and get out onto the Interstate, we both relax a little and I start fiddling with the radio, settling back to enjoy the long drive.

  “Here.” She passes her phone to me, “I got a playlist ready to go.”

  I make the mistake of hooking it up without checking it first, and promptly wince as the familiar beat of the latest over-played pop songs come out of the car’s speakers.

  “Aww, c’mon Cassie…” I start.

  “What?” She shoots me another smile, honking the horn in time with a few beats. “It’s feel-good crap, Josh. And last I heard, I’m supposed to like feeling good, hmm?”

  “Yep, I’m remembering that last road trip better and better…” I mutter.

  “It’s better than the same crap only broken up with endless ads that you get on the radio.” She points out.

  “Mhmm.” I make a non-committal noise.

  “Okay, okay. You can put your screeching noise metal bands on for the second half of the journey. It’ll give you time to come up with a playlist anyway.”

  I roll my eyes at her as I reach for my phone. I am definitely taking her up on that offer. “Well, I can already see why I’m going to be breaking up with you in a week…I couldn’t listen to this all day.”

  It has the desired effect and she laughs.

  Then, after a moment of thought, she grows slightly more serious. “We should probably work that out, actually - what we’re going to break up over. How this whole thing is going to go. Plan it out.”

  I look over at her and shake my head in slight bemusement. I’d wondered when that was going to start.

  “Hah, you always do this, Cassie…can’t go anywhere without a plan.” I give her my most charming smile. “Chill. Less than an hour into our fake relationship and you already want to know what the fake ending is gonna be…how about we see where it goes, huh? Which of your oh so irritating traits ends up pissing me off the most?”

  “You’re such an ass, Josh.” She laughs again, her shoulders relaxing a little more.

  “I do try.” I smile.

  “Well, you’ve had a ton of experience breaking up with people, I’ll give you that.” She says lightly. “Though I would’ve thought you’d find it easier to act if you know the plot.”

  “Improv is always fun too.” I shrug. “Heyy, maybe I could use this as part of my portfolio - Cassie’s boyfriend. Will you give me a reference?”

  She just rolls her eyes at me before turning back to the road, and I continue eating in content silence for a few minutes.

  “We’re really not going to talk about this at all?” She finally asks, those worry lines back across her forehead. “How are we going to convince everyone if we don’t work this out, Josh…”

  Well, you made it an hour into the journey before we got down to ‘business’.

  I glance over at her. “You know, we’ve somehow convinced everyone we’ve met in the last four years that we’re secretly fucking, so I can’t imagine it’ll be too difficult. Don’t worry too much.”

  I squeeze her shoulder and she gives me a brief, appreciative look.

  “I guess that’s true.” She admits, not responding to the humor of my comment as she had before, and I already know the only thing that will help is talking things through.

  “Why don’t you tell me about your family, for starters. I’ve known you for years and the only thing I really know is that you can’t stand them.” I suggest.

  At least we’re not talking about the ‘break up’ anymore.

  I’ve got a vested interest in keeping the focus away from that for a while.

  “It’s not that I can’t stand them.” Cassie starts, then hesitates. “Well, maybe being around them is hard to take sometimes. But sure, it’d be good for you to get an idea before we arrive.”

  “And while we’re safely somewhere that you can bad-mouth them all you like.” I point out, and she laughs again, before clutching the steering wheel tighter and directing most of her focus into the surprisingly empty roads.

  “So my Mom is all about family values and keeping up the appearance of having a large, happy family. I think she likes imagining herself as the typical rural housewife, growing up on a ranch and with children running around her feet—”

  “You grew up on a ranch?” I ask, surprised.

  “No.” Cassie laughs. “Which makes it all the more ridiculous, but I swear that’s the image she’s had in her head all these years. Part of the reason we visited this ranch throughout our childhood, I guess.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “I didn’t realize you knew the place. How close is it to where you lived in Arizona?”

  “About an hour and half away. I grew up in Yuma in the south-west - this place is a little more central.” She nods.

  “Okay - sorry, you were saying?” I prompt.

  “Oh, yes. Mom. That’s pretty much it with her - she’s just a little hard to be around if you don’t fit her idea of what things should look like. Dad…he checked out a while ago. I think he just stopped caring about all the drama that Mom creates - except for how much it’s going to cost, anyway. He tries not to let her need to show off bankrupt them.” Cassie sighs and shakes her head, and I squeeze her shoulder again.

  She gives me a thin smile. “It’s fine. I accepted it all ages ago. Anyway, I have two sisters and a brother. The eldest, Maria, is thirty…thirty-three now I think, and her husband John works in the Sheriff’s department in Yuma. They’re fine, we’ve just never been that close. She’s a fair bit older and the only thing she ever wanted was to settle down and have children.”

  “Not the best thing to build a rapport with you.” I comment lightly and she gives me a quick smile.

  “To be fair, her children are probably the best part of my entire family - Lucas and Ellie, who should be…seven and five now.” She smiles more genuinely this time, and I join in. “I’m actually really looking forward to seeing them again.”

  She pauses for a moment, thinking about that while she navigates through some of the traffic that’s built up, and I take the opportunity to offer her a sandwich for the second time.

  This time she takes it with a grateful smile, and bites into it before continuing.

  “Mark is older too, though only a couple of years, and we’ve always gotten along well. He gets my drive to actually do something with my life in a way the others don’t. His wife Anne is pregnant now though, so his focus might have shifted a little. I haven’t spoken to him in a while.” She muses, chewing thoughtfully.

  “What does Anne do?” I ask.

  “Nothing.” I shrug. “Or, at least, in a few months’ time she’ll be raising children. She’s like Maria - always wanted to be the housewife type. They get along pretty well, I think.”

  I nod. “And…the other one, who just got engaged?”

  I can’t remember her name.

  “Beth.” Cassie says shortly. “And Neil, her fiance. I don’t know Neil well, but Beth…takes after my Mom. You’ll see when we get there.”

  She stops talking, and doesn’t start up again. I get the message. Beth will be interesting.

  “Well, with any luck they’ll all distract each other, and no one will notice us.” I try and lighten the suddenly tense air, but she gives me a foreboding glance instead.

  “You’re the first boyfriend I’ve had in years…and the only one I’ve brought home ever. They’re going to be all over you like flies on shit.”

  I snort at that. “Great…nice imagery, Cassie.”

  That does get a flash of a smile out of her, and she finishes off the sandwich while I think about it for a bit.

  “Well, sounds like nothing to worry about - I’m sure I’ll find ways to piss them all off.” I consider.

  “I’m sure you will.” Cassie quips.

  “If you want my advice though…I should probably try to charm them, at least a little. It’s what they’ll be expecting and it would make more sense for us to gradually show glimpses
of problems and issues - if we’re fighting immediately, they’ll wonder why the hell you brought me in the first place. Plus, we don’t really want to spoil things for everyone until after your sister’s engagement party.”

  “Wanna bet…” I barely hear Cassie’s muttered comment, and I’m not sure I was supposed to.

  I continue anyway. “It can be more powerful to change someone’s opinion, instead of just having them hate me from the start - that way they’re more likely to feel a personal level of betrayal when I prove their initial opinion wrong, and—”

  “Okay, okay.” Cassie interrupts before I can really get into my lecture on psyches and how you can play the audience to make them feel and sympathize where you want. She glances at me. “Seriously, whatever you think best, Josh. You know what you’re doing - I’ll follow your lead on it. If you want to kiss ass for a couple of days…I’ll try not to gag on it.”

  I give her a crooked smile. “I wouldn’t go quite that far - I’ll just be subtle at first. I’ve got plenty of time to get worse after the engagement party.”

  She nods, chewing the inside of her lip as she looks out at the road, and it’s obvious she’s wondering what this week is going to be like.

  I am too, for more reasons than one.

  What I said about acting theory is partly true, I just might have left something out…

  Bad first impressions are really, really tough to change.

  And I’m hoping I might have reason not to want her family to hate me forever. I mean, sure, Cassie doesn’t get on well with them, so if they end up hating me…things might still work out.

  But I’d rather not take that chance. This way, I can give them all a mixed enough view that it could go either way - the disastrous break-up that they can be secretly relieved about, or an opinion that I can come back from, if I need to.

  Cassie breaks away from her thoughts to give me a smile, and I feel a little thrill of excitement at the week ahead. It’ll be a crazy time, but I’m going to be Cassie’s boyfriend for it…and I’m looking forward to showing her exactly what that means.

  She doesn’t stand a chance.